Hey hey hey! What up fanfictioners?! Now, I know what you're thinking: this isn't an ice age fic, no sir it is definitely NOT an Ice Age fic. However I chose to do this because I just couldn't help myself! But don't worry, for the readers that follow my current Ice Age story "When Louis Met Jessie" I will NOT, I repeat, I will Not give up on that story and it will be continued eventually, just need patience.
Now without further distractions Here's : Kung Fu Panda: Murderers and Lovers
Disclaimer: I do not own KFP, I own the plot and The OC's.
Tigress never saw it coming; she was right in the middle of a sparring match with viper when Master Shifu suddenly received a distress letter form the constable of Shanghai, requesting dire help. Murders had spread throughout the city, the mayor hadn't done anything to confront the problem , the police are doing everything in their power to catch the cold blooded killer. But he proved to be as slippery as an eel. Investigators couldn't get a proper lead on the suspect, because he never leaves anything behind, except for a cold, dead, body of the victim; or whatever's left of them.
So there they were, the Furious Five and the Dragon warrior out on the road towards Shanghai, it take them at least five days or so to get there, they've packed food, tents and everything that said travel needs for the journey, and guess who Shifu had assigned (correction: Forced) to carry it all.
"Po, would you hurry up! You're lagging behind!", Tigress shouted
Way behind the pack, Po was struggling to keep his balance in check due to the weight of the equipment that was forced upon him. The poor panda was practically buried in traveling gear. In the order of Master Shifu, the Panda was to carry everything they need for the way there. They've already covered the first five miles, just two more to go!
"Carry all the gear he says, it'll be good for losing weight he says. YEAH! Weight my ASS!" he thought darkly. Don't get him wrong, it's bad enough that Shifu had to make cracks about his weight , the master had to make him a pack mule.
"Seriously, first Tai-Lung then Lord Shen, to think I'd get more respect than this"
He was snapped out of his sulking reverie by Tigress' loud hollering.
"Po c'mon! there are Tai-Chi movements that move faster than you!"
She received multiple looks form her teammates, Viper in particular was eyeing her best friend with a suspicious eye.
"Tigress, are you alright?", she asked
"I'm fine Viper", she said, but her firm tone says otherwise
Not planning on pressing on the matter, the serpent just nodded and remained silent. Viper had seen the feline get pissed off before, but never in the reptile's life had she seen Tigress act like a slave driver, at least that's what Viper had known. They've been friends ever since they've met and for 6 whole years, Viper still hasn't made a dent in the striped feline's personality.
Behind them, Viper could sense mantis smirking.
"Maybe because it's that time of the month again", the bug joked quietly, as he was perching on Monkey's shoulder.
"Mantis!", Viper grilled
Tigress groaned inwardly, pinching the bridge of her nose in aggravation
'This is going to be a long walk' She concluded
After Five bathroom breaks -Mostly that was Po's bathroom breaks, he had to endure the awkward silence while he peeing and as if Mantis knew he was finished he had the liberty of shouting: 'Shaking it more than twice is playing with yourself!' and it pretty much help the process along- three lunch breaks and 2 excruciatingly long –and albeit out of tune- singing later; they've finaly reached Shanghai, with a day to spare
"Oh thank the Gods, we made it! Anymore walking and I'll be giving myself a heart attack!", Po exclaimed before dropping all the baggage that strained his movement
They were near the City gates, it was conveniently placed besides the local market. Sellers and merchants hollered about their wares as passing potential costumers took notice of their products, some were arguing and haggling for an agreeable price.
It was very crowded at this time of day; the heat was quite unbearable due to the blazing summer sun that glared upon the city folk.
"PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG! NOW!"
Well….. the sun isn't the only thing that was blazing today.
VVV
Meanwhile, about half way into the City from where the six warriors were:
The hot summer sun bored down into the pavements of a certain street, so much so that it made the Gobi desert look like a summer paradise. In a peaceful coffee shop named "Guan Long Café" a serpentine individual entered the doors.
"Hey Peng", a score of people greeted the snake cheerfully
'Peng' however wasn't deterred by the warm welcome. His eyes were shot, cheeks damp and looking pretty downed by something
"Hi", Peng finally greeted back, but not as enthusiastic as his company had hoped.
One of his friends -a lion- scoffed
"This guy says: Hello, I wanna kill myself" the lion described
"Chang!", A female panda scolded him, she then proceeded to comfort Peng
"Are you alright, sweetie?", she asked
"It's okay Cynthia", Peng reassured
"I just feel like someone just reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck"
"Cookie?"
All three people glared at a female eagle right after she courteously and mockingly offered the down hearted serpent a cookie
"Rae!", Cynthia scolded again
"Sorry"
Peng ignored her as he took a seat near Cynthia who graciously put a sympathetic hand on the serpent's back.
"Is this about Ling again?" Chang asked, Peng only nodded
"Oh sweetheart, you have to let her go. She's no good for you", said Cynthia
"Yeah man, you deserve better", Chang agreed, a look of complete sincerity plastered on his face. But he wasn't finished
"I mean seriously, she's a conniving little bitch, you dated her for five years and yet you never knew was lesbian"
Wow, no wonder they broke up…
"NO! okay?", Peng exclaimed
"Why does everybody keep fixating on that?" he asked
"She didn't know, how should I know?!"
"You know sometimes I wish I was a lesbian", Rae confessed, earning herself an eyeful of weirded out looks from her friends, that's when it hit the avian
"Did I just say that out loud?"
As usual, everyone ignored her and focused their attention on poor Peng
"I don't know about you guys, but I don't think I can go through with this". Peng said sorrowfully
Chang went ahead and patted the snakes back in attempt to console him.
"Hey man, don't worry. We're here for ya"
"I don't know Chang, I mean, Ling and I dated for five years. I mean sure, she broke my heart by leaving me but those five years that we had were the greatest days of my life"
He whimpered as a single tear ran down his scaled cheek
"And now that I'm alone, I just…. I just couldn't take being alone. I just wanna be in a relationship again"
And at that moment, a female serpent, looking much like his own age decided to enter the shop. She looked like she had been in a fight, her head ornaments were out of place, and her back was smudged, soiling the tattoos that ran down her back right down to her tail.
It seemed that she was looking for something, judging by the way she frantically turning her head side by side, she was probably in a rush.
Peng and his friends stared in bewilderment as the stranger kept looking about, 'till her eyes rested on Peng and his staring back. He felt a slight panic when the other snake suddenly slithered toward him
"Are you Officer Peng Maverick?", she asked out of the blue
"Er…"
"Close enough!"
He didn't have time to breath when she suddenly wrapped her tail just around the male snake's middle and hastily yanked him out of his seat.
"Come with me, I need you!", she said as she dragged him out of the door
The three that got left behind looked on, thoroughly confused. What the hell just happened?
"And I just want a thousand yuan", Rae confessed, it worked with Peng, Maybe it would work for her. The avian held out her wing towards the door, as if her 'Thousand yuan' would just fly into her open wing, but of course it never happened.
"The Fuck?"
VVV
Peng's mind was racing with questions, who was this girl? And what could she probably need him for? But then again he was a man of the law, maybe she got her purse stolen or maybe she needs to report a complaint.
"Okay stop!, just Stop!", Peng ordered
"What?", she asked
"Whatta ya want from me? And why did ya dragged me out here?"
Their –for a lack of a better label- conversation was cut short when a crate flew by the pair and slammed against a wall, smashing it to pieces. Peng looked ahead in time to see an ax flying towards his direction. Brandished and sharpened, ready to claim first blood.
He knew better than to just stand there like a sitting duck, he jumped into action. Literally.
With sharp precision, he snapped his at the blunt end of the ax like a whip, causing it to ricochet up into the air. At the last second, as the axe started to fall to the ground, he wrapped his tail around the handle of the weapon. Despite being smaller than the ax itself, he was able to swing it and throw it back to the one who threw it at him at the first place, a boar bandit.
The boar didn't have time to react when he suddenly flew backwards as the ax made contact with the sleeve of his burlap shirt, pinning his arm to a near by wall, temporarily immobilizing him.
Pleased with his work, he beamed towards the female snake only to find out that she wasn't there anymore.
A battle cry rang into his ears, despite the loud roar of the other combatants. That was when he noticed that the female snake was amongst the melee. She was doing just fine on her own, actually, Fine was an understatement; she was kicking some serious ass!
Wait…. If she can handle this herself….then what the hell was he doing here?!
VVV
Tigress fumbled at the balls of her feet as she tried to balance herself midst the brawl.
'Come on Tigress, get your damn act together!', she scolded herself as she dodged a sword that swung by a mere few inches near her head, the wielder was a one eyed wolf, and judging from the lupine's clothing and armor he was the bandit's leader.
The Canid was slashing the blade violently; for a bandit, the display was impeccably skillful. So much so that it made Tigress slip a few times but she always manages to pull through, despite her 'condition'.
Then something happened that made the feline's heart sink in fear, she tripped over some debris when she backing away from the bandit. She fell flat on her back, with no chance recovering, she closed her eyes and gritted her teeth expecting the sharp blade to deliver the final blow. But yet it never came.
A growl and a canid yelp reached her ears, she opened her eyes to a big looming figure standing right in front of her.
Chang, Cynthia and Rae arrived just in time. Cynthia was currently punching her way through a wall of armed boars; Rae was busy slicing her talon through the metal swords that armed a hoard of Crocs. Chang Face the same wolf bandit who had acquired a new sword after Chang had kicked it out of the old one out of his paws and received a punch to the face afterwards. The lion carefully analysed his opponent, deducing every single detail.
Chang's POV
Right eye scarred, possibly got it from a knife causing said eye to go blind, lessening depth perception. blind spot, right flank.
Faint aroma of rice wine, heavy drinker, weak leg strength, even weaker liver.
FIrst: distract target with false swipe
*Chang throws a fake punch, making the wolf do a downward chop with his sword, but misses8
Second: Kick the sword away then use blind spot to gauge left eye with elbow strike
* Chang kicked the wolf's hands causing the canid to lose his only weapon. Then Chang spinned counter clock-wise with his elbow pointed and poised for inflicting damage,hitting its mark when it made contact with the wolf's good eye*
Third: lastly , double kick target, one on his liver and one on his knee cap
*Delivering two kicks to the Canid's body, one on his obliques where his liver should be and one powerful kick to his knee cap*
CRACK!
*the wolf fell down*
Unarmed, both eyes blind, a shattered knee cap and a bruised liver. Estimated time for recovery: Six months.
Estimated time in jail: Six years
Normal POV
Chang took a moment as he observed the wolf who was now writhing in agony; Chang glanced behind him and lend the fallen master a hand. Tigress stared guffawed at the lion, she's seen a lot of styles of Kung Fu, but she had never seen a style so straight forward and... hard.
She had also noticed a badge on the lion's breast pocket, the chinese characters for 'S'-'P' and 'D' engraved on the bronze plating. "S.P.D" she mentally read, and that's when it hit her.
"Shanghai Police Department", she said as she took the lion's massive paw within hers to help herself up. She couldn't help but notice how firm his grip was, how strongly he pulled her up, how tall he was; How...how masculine, how...Hot-
She rid herself of the intruding thoughts out of her head.
"You alright miss?", Chang asked, snapping Tigress out of her thoughts
"Er... yeah. I am, thank you", she managed to say, whilst marveling on how deep his voice was, Damn it! Pull yourself together!
She looked away from his to distract herself, she was a little surprised when she saw that
all the bandits had already been detained and handcuffed for jailing.
Chang tightened his grip on the other feline's paw making her look back at him with a questioning look, which disappeared immediately when she saw the -ever so sexy- lopsided, toothy grin on the lion's face
"Well, that's good to know..."
Before Tigress could even have time to react, Chang had twisted her wrist (Not to break, just to manipulate)
and before the striped feline even knew it, she was pinned to the ground, flatt on her belly
and her paws were handcuffed
"...Cuz you and your friends...are under arrest"
And there you go! I hope you enjoyed this cuz I really had fun writing this...
So whatta ya'll think...good?, bad?...
Po:Awesome?
CookBoss: Yeah, What he said, well anyways pls don't forget to review and remember: I do not own Kung Fu Panda...Cuz if I did... I should be swimming in wads of money right now...but alas... 'tis noting but
wishful thinking...WELP See yah!