A/N: This may very well be the beginning of a TMM parody series, if I so choose. I mean no offense to any shippers reading this; it's all meant in fun. R&R! (Oh, and just to be clear, I don't ship Pai and Lettuce. I'm open to reading them, but I prefer RxL.) Ah, well, what can ya do, eh? Certainly not flame, because I will use them to power my flamethrower targeted at the flamers!

Disclaimer: Well, since Ichigo has yet to glomp Kisshu, I think we can safely assume that I DO NOT own Tokyo Mew Mew.
Now, ONWARD!

OMGITSAPAIXLETTUCESHIPWHATWILLWEDO

It was an off evening at Café Mew Mew, but one mew was feeling lonely.

"Oh dear," sighed Lettuce, "I'm feeling lonely. I think I miss that purple alien – that one I've exchanged maybe three sentences with." She began to twirl her hair sadly as she thought of his manly side-ponytail, and his pretty (but dangerous) fan, and his long ears . . .

Her deep, loving thoughts were interrupted by Ichigo, who was spazzing out yet again. Once the Mary Sue – oh, excuse me, I meant pink mew – had calmed down enough to speak sense, Lettuce heard her declaring her eternal love for Kisshu. This, of course, was thrilling.

"Oh, yay!" exclaimed Lettuce. "If Ichigo loves an alien, we're going to be making a truce!" (Because if Ichigo thinks the aliens are nice, well then, by golly, the aliens are nice! No matter that Pudding had been claiming that for ages already.) "This could be my chance!" She transformed into Mew Lettuce for no reason at all and zoomed off to find Pai.

Of course, usually Pai would be in his ship discovering a new way of (failing at) taking over the world. But, by the awesome powers of shipping authors, he just happened to be strolling down the street by Café Mew Mew.

Wow, he thought, that green mew, Lettuce, is ever so lovely. She makes the sun rise and the birds sing. Her green hair cascades down her back like a waterfall. . . He continued thinking uber-romantic thoughts like that and being generally out-of-character when – SURPRISE! – he happened to collide with none other than Lettuce herself.

"What a coincidence!" she squealed, overjoyed. "I was just looking for you!"

Pai, his cold exterior shattered, grabbed Lettuce by the shoulders and gave her a huge, heart-melting, loving, totally-in-character (cough) smile. "Lettuce, there's something you should know."

Her huge, wide emerald eyes glimmered hopefully. "What is it, O dear Pai-kun?" she gasped.

Pai drew her in close. "O Lettuce," he declared, "you are gorgeous beyond measure. And despite the fact that we have shared perhaps twenty seconds of screen time throughout fifty-two episodes, you are the love of my life!"

"Oh, Pai-kun," Lettuce whispered, love dripping off her words like honey (or sarcasm, but that's my area of expertise), "I didn't know you cared so much!"

Pai stared – again, feel the love – deep into her eyes. "What?" he proclaimed. "The horror! Of course I do! You are fairer than the flowers in spring, and I love thee." And although he just showed more sentiment in one sentence than he had in an entire television series, he had absolutely no shame in declaring this.

"Oh, Pai!"

"Oh, Lettuce!"

And they shared a passionate kiss in the moonlight. Again, more emotion from Pai than we've seen before. Ever.

Suddenly, Zakuro ran up, causing the two lovebirds to break apart. "Pai!" the purple mew sobbed. "How could you! You're off with her" – here she flailed a hand toward Lettuce – "while I'm carrying your child?!"

Pai gasped. "I'm sorry! I didn't know!" Then he paused, remembering something crucial. "Wait. This is a Pai x Lettuce. I think you've gotten lost among all the (crack) pairings. The Pai x Zakuro's are over in that direction." He pointed west, where hordes of screaming fangirls were crowding into an auditorium.

Zakuro's tear faucet stopped immediately. "Oh, right," she said, flashing an emo look at said auditorium. "My bad." She reluctantly headed off to entertain fangirls.

Pai and Lettuce resumed their passionate kissing.

But it was not to be! For who should come zooming up but Ryou Shirogane?

"Lettuce!" he bawled, somehow not out of breath. "Lettuce, you cannot kiss this man! Or alien. Whatever."

Lettuce was thoroughly appalled. "And why ever not?"

"Because," Ryou proclaimed, "I love you!"

Lettuce cocked an eyebrow at this. She was seriously tempted. After all, the guy had gorgeous eyes, and pretty hot hair too . . . but no! A quick glance at the title reminded her that this was a Pai x Lettuce!

"Oh Ryou," she cried, "I have given my heart to another!" But she added thoughtfully, "But you have pretty eyes, so maybe if you ask pretty please."

"Noooo!" Pai bellowed, jumping from beside Lettuce to in front of her. "Ryou Shirogane," he announced, "I challenge you to a duel!"

Ryou considered it. "What's the prize?" he asked cunningly.

"Lettuce's heart!" Pai exclaimed. The girl in question nearly swooned from all the attention.

Ryou nodded. "I accept your challenge!"

Pai readied his Magical Fan of Death ©, then saw that Ryou had nothing with which to fight. "What will you use?"

Ryou cocked an eyebrow mysteriously. "You'll see," he said cryptically.

Pai snorted. "Oh, bring it."

"It's on now!"

"Pssh, you don't even know!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, really!"

"Oh, REALLY?"

"Yeah, REALLY!"

"OH, REALLY?"

"YEAH, REALLY!"

Unfortunately, their eloquent argument was cut short by the nearby shriek of a fangirl. "Hey, this way, girls! I think I hear a Pai x Lettuce x Ryou!" Of course, when the fangirls are about to attack, petty disputes are forgotten.

"Rock paper scissors?" Pai offered. Ryou nodded.

"Rock – paper – SCISSORS!" they both shouted.

Pai brought out a rock, Ryou scissors.

"Dang it," Ryou muttered.

"Ah, boy, you had no hope," Pai said smugly. "This is a Pai x Lettuce. Do you really think the shipper writing this would let you win Lettuce's heart via a single rock-paper-scissors match?" Ryou sighed dejectedly and headed back to the café in search of comfort food. Meanwhile, Pai and Lettuce got back to their business.

"Oh, Pai!"

"Oh, Lettuce!"

SARCASMISMYBESTFRIENDANDWEGOEVERYWHERETOGETHER

A/N: Wow! That was exponentially fun to write. Oh, but wait! Is this the end? What will I parody next? What was Ryou going to fight with? Do I even know? Well, actually, yeah, I do. But enough chatter. I'm off to go poke fun at something else. ^^