Author's Notes: Hmm...Sorry guys, but I've always been a fan of the Miaka/Yui pairing, and I had to write at least one story where it was at least mentioned a little. ^_^ A few years after leaving the book, Yui reflects on love, Miaka, her seishi, second chances, and life in general.

Warnings: Very mild shoujo-ai, mildly adult themes.

Spoilers: Entire series, particularly episode 11.

Obligatory Disclaimer: I own on part of Fushigi Yuugi or any of its characters. The song I Wish is Yui's first image song, and the translated lyrics were provided by www.animelyrics.com.

I Wish


ai wo oboeru tabi
hito wa yowakunatte-iku
kitsuku mune wo daite'te mo
hitori ja irarenai

Once they learn love,
people become weak.
Even if they hold it tightly in their hearts,
they can't be alone.


-I Wish, Yui Hongo

It's a strange and lonely city street I'm driving on now. Strange because Japan is hardly ever deserted and empty as it looks right now. I hardly even need to stop for the light as I fly through downtown Tokyo, driving noticeably higher than the speed limit posted.
But I'm willing to take the risk. In the time I've rebuilt my life, I've come to understand that some consequences are trivial in the freedom of flight. Because in liberty, there is joy.
Not that I'm escaping prison doors, mind one, but the feel of wind rustling my hair as it whistles past me is more than enough to settle the broiling fury that had taken hold of me when I left Tetsuya's house.
Glancing to seat next to me where a Chinese mythology book rests, I frown slightly at the memory of our argument before shaking my head and wiping the look from my face. There's no need to dwell on things past and done. I've learned too well what it means to allow hatred to consume you, and not Tetsuya, or any person I know and care for, deserves that bitterness.
I sigh, taking a moment to shake my hair loose from its clip as I halt for a red light. It's noticeably longer than from a few years ago, more akin to the length I wore mine in sixth and seventh grade, before unwanted attention from boys drove me to cut it. Funny how I yearn for those infatuations of long ago. They were so simple, so blindingly innocent. Nothing like the treatment I received upon first entering the Universe of the Four Gods. Perhaps, in the end, that's what brought Suboshi and I closer together--we were alike, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. All we ever wanted was to be loved.
The light changes now, and I gun the motor, frowning slightly as sounds of a straining motor fill my ears. It's about time for a trip to the motor shop. Cars can break down so easily, their fuel running low, their break resistance failing at the worst times. But there's always that helpful auto shop nearby ready to get you back on the road, back on your feet. So much the same as their owners.
Because everything man creates is simply a reflection of who we are.
The streetlights cascade illumination on me as I pass through, cascading down like rays of sunlight even the darkness of night. I'm not angry at Tetsuya any longer. What we fought about wasn't really worth a confrontation in the first place. I realize now that he was only trying to help me, to further heal the wounds inflicted upon me while in the book.
Again I glance at the mythology text book next to me. What secrets could it possibly to reveal to me now? Nothing worth reliving the past for, and surely nothing that was worth the violent and angry words that were exchanged over it.
I understand Tetsuya's intentions; I know his motivations and can sympathize with them. I'm his girlfriend, the one he cares about first on his long list of close companions.
Understanding...Yes, I think that's the greatest gift of all Seiryuu bestowed to me. For everything he took, he returned. It just took me some time to realize how precious he held us all, even through the torment we suffered through.
Seiryuu...Casting my eyes to the sky for only a moment, I instinctually turn my eyes to the East, catching a glimpse of seven familiar constellations before forcing them back to the road ahead of me. They, too, are in the past.
I understand that now as well.
That doesn't mean I've forgotten who they are or even what I've done. No, those memories are too deeply imprinted to leave me. And I know that I still owe a large debt to the ones I love most. Because I hurt them, and some of those old scars are going to take awhile before they disappear.
One I love...I smile ruefully, glancing at my reflection in the mirror as I speed faster through the streets of Tokyo. Sometimes even those we love are in the past. And sometimes it takes awhile for us to understand that.
There was a time when I thought myself capable only of love. I would never know of hate, would never comprehend what it meant to desire another's pain. But I was wrong; I am capable of terrible things. Even Miaka knows of anger, of rage and frustration, of bitterness and lies. And if she, the angel of my eyes, knows of the darkness of human souls, than I too am no different.
It was during those idyllic years that I loved her. More than as a friend, more than just the girl I grew up with baking cookies and playing on the swings with. More than the girl I went to grade and middle school with. No, more than that. She was the one I was willing to give up high school for, the one I thought completed the missing half of my soul.
Seiryuu...changed me. Those men in the alley way shattered that idealism I once held. The memory of dirty hands and cruel eyes have never quite left me and never will. Nakago may have saved me from their desires, but he could not save my heart and soul. And when I saw Miaka and Tamahome kissing in that back room, the forlorn melody of the music box echoing in my ears alongside her confession of love and devotion...I died.
I didn't know who I loved after that. I stole Tamahome from Miaka out of desperation: I wanted to show her that I was still loved too. She who was surrounded by those who would die for her sake, while I sat on folded knee and clasped my hands in prayer, begging God or Seiryuu or whomever was up there to please save me from this loneliness, this desolate, burning desert in which I was slowly withering away. I wanted to be loved as much she was, even if it was just for a moment in time.
At one point, I think I may have even loved Nakago. If he hadn't been so cold and I so naive. If he hadn't manipulated me and I hadn't been taken in by it. If we had met in different circumstances, when he wasn't a broken, hateful man and I a frightened and bitter girl.
And Suboshi...I wish that I'd had a chance before he died to grasp his hand and hold him close and tell him just how much he meant to me. Of all the seven who had served me, he alone had died for my sake. I had told him once that he knew nothing of love--but then, what had I known either? I think, at the end, that he understood it far better than I.
Memories, all of them, but how powerful a force they continue to be in my life. Miaka has Taka, and I have Tetsuya, whom I know loves me. I should probably forget about those I loved before.
But I can't. I refuse to do so. They taught me too much for me to brush them off as a passing cloud in the sky. Because all things come to pass whether we want them to or not; it is only our willingness to record their passing that keeps them alive.
I ride through the city streets and onto a bridge. No longer do I have the street lamps to light my way, leaving only the half-moon and the stars to illuminate my path.
But that's all right. Because their lights are strong, and there is hope in their fiery depths even in the darkness that surrounds me.
I know I've made mistakes, and I need that hope to continue flowing deep within me in order to continue fulfilling that emptiness inside me. I've come to love my warriors, even if they never loved me, even if I didn't know who they were. Because they were preordained to serve me, and they were cast in my imperfect image. And I cannot hate what I already am. Perhaps one day, if Seiryuu sees it fit, I'll see them all again, and there won't be any animosity between us, and we'll all love each other, not because of who we are or what can gain from one another, but because we are there, because we were preordained to do so.
And there are old loves whose flames will continue to flicker, and I need that hope to keep those tiny fires from becoming a conflagration of bitterness and anger. Miaka's has already ravaged my soul; I do not need to burn again.
And then there are new loves who need that hope to know we are together, to know that this argument isn't the end of everything we've shared so far. Tetsuya, are you afraid right now? There's no need. Because I understand what's important now. All of you, beloved new and old, have taught me that.
I wish...Two powerful words that gave me everything and nothing.
Ahead of me, I can see the hoods of cars rising to meet mine, so I slow down and enter traffic. The streets are no longer empty; I am imprisoned once again.
But even in the stronghold of Tokyo's streets, there is freedom. As long as I have people watching over me, people who love me, there are no boundaries.
I wish...
New and old, memory and present, past and future...all follow different roads, but they are illuminated by the same stars.
I wish never to have regrets again.
The wind ruffles my hair, carrying with it the scent of summer, the blossoms of the cherry trees, and the hope of eternal freedom. I turn on the radio and lean back as one of my favorite songs comes on. I hum along with it as the blanket of night encloses me in its warm depths.
I wish...
To Miaka, wherever you are, be happy, and know that in your joy, mine can be found as well. Even if you are not the other half of my soul, at least understand that you own a piece of it.
To Suboshi and Nakago and all of my warriors, I'm sorry, but know that I'll be waiting for you when the stars burn even brighter than tonight.
And Tetsuya...man who holds my future, one I may marry and bear children for, one with whom I will ride passenger to on these same roads while holding your hand, know that you are forgiven, and that there was never a reason for anger in the first place.
I toss my head to the skies above and laugh in utter bliss.
I wish.
In the dark of the night, my song echoes loudly in the air, carrying through the eves of traffic as I come to a rumbling halt in the middle of a Tokyo Bridge. The wind rustles past me, traveling to places beyond my scope of vision, beyond my understanding.
And my laughter? That carries to the stars.

I am landlocked and incarcerated, but I am always, always free.
Beloved Seiryuu, god who tortured and relieved my pains, who stole everything but gave me so much more in return...Thanks you for giving me the world, so that I may no longer have to wish.

Final Notes From the Author:

I think Yui's a more complex character than people give her credit for. I know I sure didn't give her enough until I pulled myself into the world of Seiryuu fanfiction and attempted to write her. Things didn't...quite work out the first and few times around. ^_~

I think, however that this fiction, of all my Yui fics, is probably the best one I've written so far. When I wrote this story, I was attempting to convey the thoughts, reflections, regrets, and confusion that may have gone through Yui's mind after quite some time has passed since she left the book. By that time, I would think her to have gotten over whatever self-hate she may have held, but at the same time, would still be somewhat upset over what she did.

One of the big things I tried to tackle in this story was Yui's love for various characters. Some of them you may have agreed with me on, others you might have thought I was insane. Did Yui love Miaka that way? Did she love Tamahome? Was Nakago ever an item of her affections? How about Suboshi? These are questions I don't even think Yui would be quite sure about quite yet, as she is only about a year or two older in this story than when the anime ends. So I tried to communicate the sense of affection she had for this people without ever being aware of how she truly felt for them.

Well, anywho, I hope you enjoyed the story. I know that I really, really loved writing it. Thank you for reading and have a nice day!

-Chaotic Serenity