Juliet in Despair

AN: Accompanying piece to my story "Russian Romeo". This time not based on a song-fic. Could be read separately, but read "Russian Romeo" if you want to know which song Harm's singing…

Disclaimer: If they weren't mine in the other stories, what makes you think they're mine now?

On with it…

Mac's POV

From the moment we tentatively shook hands in the Rose Garden, it seems like we're involved in the World's most horrific soap opera. And I don't even like soap opera's. in fact, I hate them, especially when we're starring in one. We, meaning yours truly (Major Sarah MacKenzie, USMC) and a handsome sailor turned flyboy turned lawyer called Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. and since I adamantly refuse to play in this horrific story, so does he. We just pretend to be nothing but friends.

Until real life made us stop pretending. When we went looking for his father, MIA during the Vietnam war and supposedly somewhere in Russia. I couldn't let him go look on his own, one of us needed to keep their cool and it wasn't gonna be him.

We did end up finding the truth, but it crushed me to see Harm so devastated when the outcome wasn't what he had hoped for. Expected maybe, but certainly not acceptable. I comforted him as best as I could, in a way we now both pretend never happened.

We are friends. We're partners. I have the utmost respect for him. Therefore it's better not to talk about it, not to even think about it anymore. What would happen if we confront the other one and end up with nothing but misunderstandings? It happened before, it's easy enough to imagine it happening again. So we don't take the risk and just don't mention it, pretend nothing out of the ordinary happened. It's a thin layer though, easy to resurface.

How long can one pretend? Pretend not to care how it felt to be kissing him? Simply forget how our bodies seemed to fit together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle?

I guess we pretend because there's no other choice. Because as soon as we were done, we realized we'd made a terrible mistake. He needed the comfort I so readily gave to him. But nothing more.

We never said anything, not even an apology, until it was simply too late to mention it again. But meanwhile we both all but choke in the tension. We simply let the one chance to forever clear the air get away from us at that specific moment. We did what we always do: we stuck our heads in the sand from the moment we dared to look up. I let go of him and he immediately turned away, seemingly indifferent.

And to top it off: we let it happen again. He came home after telling his mother and stepfather about what we had found out. I can only imagine what it must have felt like for his mom, knowing her husband had escaped and rebuild his life with another woman. What a loss, what a waste. When Harm made it home he was crushed even more, but at least he was sure he'd left his mom in Frank's good care. And then he came to me, obviously in search for some comfort of his own.

I gave in willingly, telling myself it was just to be there for him, to offer him all the warmth I had to give, even just for one more night. I found heaven in his arms, it was so good I almost blacked out. I'm sure at some point I told him I loved him. And that I cried. He was so gentle, wiping my tears from my cheeks, soothing me until I fell asleep in his warm embrace. All was perfect for that little moment in time. I just wished it could last forever. But of course it didn't. the harsh reality of the morning told me Harm had left.

Nothing has happened since and neither of us ever brings it up.

It's been weeks since then and I guess you could say we're friends. Kind of. But it's a mixed blessing, it's not real. Sure, if you take a peak, it would look pretty normal. We work, eat, fight like usual. To an outsider, it would seem nothing has changed.

Meanwhile, everything has. I had my wake-up call. I want Harm. I want more of him than just sex, that was never my intention, believe it or not. But I don't do pity-sex. I only make love to someone I feel close to. I never truly liked the though of one night stands. If that's what I'd want, I'm sure I could have it. Sexy dress, swaying hips…

But that's not me. I'm not that kind of woman. I'm the kind who wants to start a family someday, with a man who's as devoted to me as I am to him. And I know exactly who I have in mind. If only I could get myself to open up.

I can't remember if there's some unwritten rule about the kind of weather to accompany bad news, but in the soap opera of my life it's freakishly appropriate.

Here I am, standing at my window, watching the rain drum steadily on the pavement below. I just cranked up the heat inside to full power, but I'm still shivering inside. Of course it's winter and while it's not freezing, it's definitely chilly, but this chill doesn't come from the outside. This cold has settled itself in my heart and no central heating is gonna change that. There's no room temperature comfortable enough to cure the cold from a broken heart.

Harm was here just now. As I opened the door, he looked forlorn, almost scared. He was holding a small bouquet of flowers that must have cost him a fortune in this season. Obviously he wanted to talk. The talk, the dreaded one, the one that could either start or end it all.

I didn't know what to say, I totally clammed up, but I let him in anyway. It was…surreal I guess. Here he stood, the man I'm helplessly in love with, ready to give me everything I ever wanted, offering me a life, a future, a family, a house with a white-picket fence. Himself. All I had to do was simply take it, let him into my home and my heart.

If I believed him. God knows how much I want to believe him, but I've been burned before and if I take my chance with him and blow it, I won't recover. And how can I be sure he didn't put his heart on the line because he feels lonely? Because he was hurt in Russia and only needs me to keep him company because he doesn't want to be alone? I know that if he was for real, I broke his heart, but everything inside of me just wants to make sure mine doesn't.

But it was too late for that. My heart shattered into a million pieces when I registered the look on his face when I apologized to him. I told him I was sorry for sleeping with him. I'm not, but I had to make him believe that. To make sure it would never happen again. So I lied through my teeth and told him to just forget about it all.

I coaxed him out and shut the door behind him, without taking his flowers.

I told him to move on. Without even knowing how I'm supposed to do that myself. I might be able to pull of a lie to him, but I can't lie to myself and make my heart believe I could actually go on pretending. I did say I loved him, and I meant it. Sure, I got swept up in the moment, but I sure as hell know exactly what I said when I said it. And it's not something I say to every guy I meet. I'm not like that. Only with Harm. But I'm not with Harm.

I hear him rev his engine as he finally leaves the parking lot. I know he's been outside all this time, not willing or able to get himself to drive away. Something tells me he's not going home right away and momentarily I'm jealous for his capability to drink tonight's nightmare away.

The next few days…

So that effectively ended every chance of a normal friendship between us. I try to avoid him as best as I can, turning my back to him, or leaving a room when he enters it. It doesn't do anything for my pain, but I simply can't look at him now. Which makes the courtroom the only place I can't ignore him. But at least I can play the tough as nails officer around there, maintaining a professional attitude.

It hurts so much I'm surprised I can still breath, as every other movement makes me sick to my stomach. And since I brought this upon myself, I don't know how to fix it either.

If this is gonna be my life from now on, I'd rather be paralyzed. I'm looking at myself from a distance and I don't want to be me anymore.

I'm thinking about resigning, or a transfer. Maybe I could be a judge, or pick up my job as a chief of staff at another office. There has to be someone who needs a well-trained Marine who speaks more than three languages fluently?

I don't care where I end up, as long as it's far away from this horror story I've put myself in.

Briskly, I walk outside into the bullpen to get some files I need and maybe some coffee, but a solid mass of human being collides head on with me. A body I could have recognized in my dreams and not just for his height only.

We apologize, but I don't dare look him in the eyes for all the obvious reasons. I can only feel my body react to his close proximity and I can feel myself gasp. He smells wonderful and I almost whimper. I miss him so much. The electricity between us could light up the entire building and I'm so afraid he'll notice, even when he's barely in control himself.

What am I to do? Do something, anything. But I'm reeling, standing in some kind of Vortex, where only Harm and I exist, going at a snail's pace. It feels like that one second before an earthquake hits the surface. I can't get my lungs to function, nor my brain for that matter.

Say something, damn it! Come on, Marine, now's your chance. But he beats me to it. His voice is quivering, but the sentence that comes out is both true and old.

"We have to talk."

Before I have a time to react, he continues. "McMurphy's, tonight, after work. I'll be waiting for you."

I can only nod. McMurphy's. I'm tired of this dance, I want it all to end. Either tonight I'll have him back, or I'll have lost him forever, but either way, I know I'll have to be there. Take the last piece-offering he'll hand out.

So I forgot to get my coffee, didn't even glance at my files while I'm trying to figure out what's gonna happen tonight. What we're about to say to each other. I have to apologize, again. Not for sleeping with him but for lying to him. About me not loving him. Because I do love him. I need him in my life, need him to make my dream of a family come true.

I hope he has a better idea than I do. Idly I listen to the radio, but I can't concentrate on the songs, even though some of them were written just to fit our situation. Maybe I could ask the station to dedicate a song to my flyboy.

I don't get the chance since he's gone home by the time I dare to venture outside my office again. So I just sit there until it's time to go.

As soon as I come in, I try to ignore the summersaults in my stomach. I brought Bud and Harriet with me for some moral support. If this doesn't turn out to work for us, I'm gonna need them. Is he nervous? As much as I am? Does he mind I filled in Harriet about the reason we're here? She doesn't know about what happened between us, but I did tell her we had a huge misunderstanding. Which didn't strike her as surprising…

Suddenly, Harriet pokes me softly in the ribs and directs my attention to the small stage in the corner. He's there! He looks amazing! But what's he doing over there?

The manager is putting up a microphone and turns on the spotlight. After making sure everything works, he gives Harm a nod and leaves. Harm is standing there, guitar in hands, his gaze searching the crowd for mine.

"Good evening everybody. I'm Harm Rabb and I'd like to dedicate the song I'm about to sing to a very special Marine…"

He starts singing and I'm hypnotized. The song he's chosen comes as an attack directed at me and my mistakes, but I take it in stride. Everything he sings, no matter how cryptic, is perfectly true and I can't blame him for being mad at me for the way I've treated him. Looking back, I'm mad at myself too. So I take the bad lyrics in stride with the good ones.

…says something like you and me babe how about it?

The song comes to an end with this question and as his look is still intensely focused on me, there's no mistaking his meaning. And his vulnerability. The truth hits me like a ton of bricks: he's offering it all. In front of dozens of people I'm getting my way back in. Subconsciously I cling to Harriet's arm who involuntarily sucks in her breath. I apologize quickly and let go of her.

Other guests are cheering for him, yelling for more, but he doesn't take any notice of them. To him, they're probably not even there.

I leave Harriet's side and take the first step in his direction. Followed by another one, and another one, until I'm standing head to toe with the man I love.

"I love you."

It's all I can say and apparently, it's enough. The next moment I'm in his arms, coming into close contact with his body…and with the guitar. Damn, I forgot about the damn instrument.

Momentarily I suck in my breath and I feel tears prickling in my eyes as the instrument hits me hard. Harm quickly puts it aside and wraps me up in his embrace to kiss the tears away.

I can hear the applause grow into a thunderstorm, although I'm not sure if they're cheering for the song or for our little display here. But I don't care. I can't stop kissing him, the beating of our hearts overpowering the sounds of the public. They might as well not be there at all.

By the time we end our kiss, we're totally breathless and giddy. Panting, he manages to give me his knee-buckling grin before repeating the last line of the song.

"You and me, babe, how about it?"

Well, what do you think?

"You and me, Flyboy."

We seal the deal with another kiss. I guess this means we're friends again?

THE END