The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters isn't out on bail yet. Just something that came through my mad mind after Deadly Prep.
Dummy Prep
"Well I tried to warn you," Ray gave Lana a look in the break room. It was the day after she had been released from jail. And she was not in a good mood.
"Shut up bitch," Lana grumbled. She was looking a bit more refreshed and her weave had been returned to her hair after her stint in jail.
Nevertheless, she was still not happy about her incarceration.
"Don't get mad at me for trying to save you from yourself!" Ray pointed out.
"You should shut up before you end up like Archer," Lana growled.
Archer was sitting at the table too with a huge black eye. "Now you know why I waited until you were behind bars to tell you," He grumbled as he took a sip of scotch.
"Bars, a glass wall and a pack of guards is the safest way to give her bad news," Ray nodded.
"You're lucky that's all I did to you!" Lana glared at him.
"Wow, prison has really made you mean hasn't it, Cookie?" Archer grumbled.
"You couldn't spare a few lousy dollars in my canteen account couldn't you?" Lana barked.
"Lana, the charges were dropped at your bail hearing and you were out of there before two!" Archer groaned. "I wasn't going to waste money on you being in prison for about three extra hours."
"You were just lucky Shapiro was able to get you off," Ray pointed out. "Not to mention the fact that for some reason they couldn't find the arresting officer. Or the actual police report! Well most of it anyway…"
"That's always a real crimp in any case," Archer snorted.
Somewhere in the LAPD:
"What do you mean you forgot to file a report?" Detective Harris snapped at his partner.
"Well I obviously filed some of it. Just not all of it," Detective Diedrich shrugged.
"Another incomplete report?" Harris groaned. "What excuse did you give at the bail hearing?"
Diedrich blinked. "Oops when was that again?"
"Well thanks to your wonderful police work I'm guessing another perp walked out with probation," Harris groaned. "You really gotta work on your paperwork."
"Uh partner," Diedrich pointed to Harris' desk. It was full of paperwork. Overloaded actually.
"Oh right…" Harris groaned.
"You were saying?" Diedrich grinned.
"Shut up," Harris glared at him.
Back at the Figgis Agency…
Archer shrugged. "So you got away with it. Not that you actually did anything but make semi-decent pastry…"
"Yes, but I'm on probation for carrying an unregistered weapon. And now I'm banned from going anywhere near County Day school!" Lana groaned. "AJ will never go there now!"
"And the fact that Ivy is dead certainly didn't help," Archer shrugged as he drank some scotch. "Well it helps me sleep at night knowing that douche is dead."
"I can't believe I got arrested and thrown in jail…" Lana groaned.
"Before any of us," Archer said. "You broke the office pool of who would get thrown into the slammer first. Now no one gets the pot."
"I've ruined my daughter's life," Lana groaned. "Well technically Mallory had a part in it too…"
"Lana it's not the end of the world," Ray told her. "Look at me. Ferlin didn't exactly have a well-rounded public school system. But I worked hard and ended up graduating from Marshall University!"
"Is that a good school?" Archer asked.
"It's the Harvard of the Virginias," Ray snapped. "Only we're not as snooty as Harvard."
"Still…" Lana sighed. "Now what do I do about AJ's education? Maybe there's another school in another county…?"
"As my granny used to say, Private schools don't mean doodle squat!" Ray barked. He pointed to Archer. "Look at Exhibit A over here."
"Oh ha, ha…" Archer said. "Although considering my experiences, you do have a point Ray."
Just then Krieger walked in carrying a large net. "Have either of you seen a pig wearing a sparkly headdress and a tuxedo?"
"Ladies and gentlemen," Ray said drolly. "I give you Exhibit B."
"Oh that's right," Archer realized. "Mother sent him to a private school too. Well once he got out of the labs."
"And he still couldn't get into Grenada," Ray added.
"Only because they were snobs!" Krieger bristled. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find a pig of questionable gender!" He left the room in a huff.
"Although I admit I see their point," Ray added.
Cheryl then walked in sniffing and licking some glue. "Exhibit C," Ray added.
"Yeah private school really shaped her life," Archer quipped. "Hey Carol! Tell Lana all about the private school you went to."
"Ugh," Cheryl made a bored noise. "Boring and stupid. Do this. Learn that. Be quiet. Shut up. Don't run in the halls or set anything on fire. Rules, rules, rules…blah, blah, blah…Except for the occasional fire drill or stabbing it was just so boring!"
"Stabbing?" Lana did a double take. "In a private school?"
"I know. They didn't allow those either," Cheryl grumbled. "The stupid teachers and headmistress always threw a hissy fit whenever I did that. Luckily all my father had to do was throw them some money."
"So you didn't learn anything in school?" Ray raised an eyebrow.
"Uh duh of course I did!" Cheryl gave him a look. "Glue is awesome!"
She took another sniff and had a giggle fit. "Are you sure your heart is still set on private school Lana?" Archer asked.
"Look there's only so much you can do against genetics," Lana pointed to Cheryl as she left the room.
"Here Victor/Victoria!" Krieger was heard shouting. "Here girl, boy or gender fluid! Or however else you self-identify!"
"Again…genetics," Lana gave the guys a look. "He is a freaking Nazi experiment clone after all. Or a clone of a clone…But whatever he is, odds are he was messed up long before he went to school."
"Well there you are Lana," Mallory walked in carrying a glass of scotch. "Nice to see you out of the big house."
"And last but certainly least," Ray added. "Exhibit D!"
"Are you explaining to Lana what goes on a trial?" Mallory said bitterly. "Because if she keeps getting arrested she may have to get used to that!"
"Mother…" Archer sighed.
"The shame of it all!" Mallory said dramatically. "The mother of my grandchild arrested! I mean, I'd expect this from several of the whores Sterling gets involved in but not you!"
"The woman arrested for treason and got us involved in a cocaine cartel is lecturing me about shame?" Lana barked.
"It was the LAPD being racist pricks Mother!" Archer snapped.
"And how were they supposed to react to Lana stomping about in her boots with an unregistered gun in her purse?" Mallory snapped.
"Standing on a front doorstep carrying pastry," Ray gave her a look. "Yes we all know the terrible rash of dessert related crimes ravaging this city!"
Lana fumed. "I wouldn't have even been there in the first place if you hadn't insulted the headmaster with your racist comments!"
"Well how was I supposed to know he was Jewish?" Mallory bristled. "He certainly carried himself like a person of the upper class."
"Newsflash Mother," Archer rolled his eyes. "There are upper class people of the Jewish faith as well."
"Well entertainers and rabbis certainly," Mallory waved. "And educators…Oh wait."
"You really want AJ to end up like her?" Archer asked Lana.
"Then again there is a case to be made for public schools," Lana admitted.