Behind A Painted Smile
To the outside world, Kyle McGrath seemed to have it all. At the age of 32 he was a ten year veteran of the Los Angeles County Fire Department, and had several commendations for bravery to his credit. His good looks were that of a movie star, and he had a winning personality. He was a loving son, brother, and uncle…a great friend, and a doting fiancé. Engaged to a beautiful sweet girl named Julianne, Kyle was to be married in four months. Though he always had a smile on his face, his friends and family would never have known that it had hidden something so dark.
An experienced hiker, Kyle had gone out on a hike on one of his favorite mountain trails one early July morning, and sadly, never returned. His body was found several hours later by some hikers who had come across his lifeless form at the bottom of the cliff. No one was able to figure out exactly what had happened to cause him to go over the edge of the trail. The weather was clear, and the trails were in good condition. It wasn't until his fiancée had found a note on his kitchen table that afternoon, were they able to put all the pieces together. The note had been written in Kyle's handwriting and simply said, "I'm sorry, but I can't go on…it's too hard. I will forever you love you all. Kyle."
Word had spread quickly about the young man's demise. He had been a popular member of the department, and the shock of his passing was quite evident throughout. Just four days before he had died, Kyle had filled in at Station 51 for a vacationing Chet Kelly.
When 51's Crew had heard the news about Kyle, they were on duty. It was Roy and Johnny who had found out about it first. That evening they had been at Rampart on a follow-up when they were told of it by Dr. Brackett. Their reactions were much the same as everyone else's…that of shock and disbelief.
Returning to their squad, both paramedics were very quiet. The death of anyone was sad, a friend's death was even sadder, and to know that it had been a suicide was even harder to take.
Roy sat in front of the steering wheel, the key in the ignition, his hands resting on the wheel like two blocks of frozen ice, but no effort was made to start the vehicle. Johnny was sitting in a similar position. It was his hand that hovered near the radio mike, but no effort was being made to make them available.
It was Roy who had finally broken through the deafening silence. In a voice not much louder than a whisper he acknowledged his partner. "Johnny…"
Nodding his head slowly, the junior paramedic knew what Roy wanted him to do. The thing was that he was still in too much shock to make his mouth work properly. In his mind he was thinking back in time to a few years earlier when his good friend Drew had died. Though his friend's death was a line of duty death, and the circumstances tragic, it seemed to Johnny that Kyle's death was even sadder than Drew's. With seemingly everything to live for, the young firefighter chose to throw it all away.
After a few moments, and with his voice cracking, Johnny got on the radio. "LA, Squad 51 available…returning to quarters."
"Ten-four, 51."
Hearing the dispatcher's reply, both paramedics wondered if the person on the other end of the radio had been as touched by the tragic news of Kyle's passing, as the two of them had been.
With the first step taken care of, Roy turned the key in the ignition and they started their sad journey back to the station. Knowing that Mike Stoker was a good friend of Kyle's, the two medics knew that telling Mike and the others would be difficult, that is unless the other men had already heard the tragic news.
Without the usual banter between them, the squad was eerily quiet as each paramedic was in deep thought. When the short trip back to the station was over, Roy backed the squad into the vehicle bay as usual, but rather than both of them getting out quickly like usual, and making their way into the squad room for coffee, they stayed inside the cab for a few moments longer.
Hearing the squad return, but not hearing the doors opening and closing, Hank had come out to greet them. Upon seeing the expressions on their faces, he had a sense that something very bad had happened.
So deep in thought were they that they both jumped when their captain had softly knocked on the driver's side window.
Seeing his curious look, they surmised that news of Kyle's death hadn't hit Station 51 yet.
Slowly opening his door, Roy got out.
"What's…what's going on, fellas? You don't look so good."
Roy nodded his head. "Uh…we have some news to share with everyone." Peering into the squad's cab, he caught his partner still sitting in his seat, no body part ever having moved. "Johnny…"
Swallowing hard, Johnny rubbed the back of his head, and then glanced at his watch. "Six-fifteen…" Writing the time down on the call slip, he then placed the slip under the visor with the others, and proceeded to get out of the vehicle.
Continuing to look at his two paramedics, Hank knew that whatever the news was that they had to share, was really bad.
"Everyone's inside." came Hank's soft but firm voice.
Johnny wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom at this point. The news had made him sick to his stomach, but he knew that he had to be there with the others when Roy told them all the news about Kyle.
Following behind his partner and captain, Johnny made his way to where he knew the others were all probably camped out in various forms of leisure.
Chet was about to pass a clever remark to his favorite sparring partner, but refrained when he saw the look on both of the paramedics' faces.
"What's wrong? You guys look awful."
Hank took a moment before speaking. "Listen up, Roy has some news to share with all of us. Roy…"
Roy stole a quick look over at his partner before starting. It had been very difficult news to digest, but even so, he worried about Johnny who looked like he was about to cry.
"We received some bad news at the hospital before. Kyle McGrath died this morning…an apparent suicide."
Hearing the news was a shock to everyone, especially given the fact that the firefighter had filled in at the station only four days earlier. And as Roy and Johnny had predicted, Mike Stoker especially had taken the news hard. The normally calm and unflappable engineer's face turned white almost immediately as the color had drained from his face.
Mike wanted to talk…to say something, but he simply could not get his mouth to move.
"Mike…?" Hank called out softly.
It was clear to everyone that the engineer was not doing well.
Walking over to his second in command, Hank placed a hand on the other man's shoulder.
"Mike, it's okay to be upset. He was a good friend of yours…we all understand. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
Going over to Hank, Roy whispered in his ear. "Send him home…he can't work."
Hank nodded his head in agreement. "I'll make the call."
Leaving the group, the captain went to his office to make a couple phone calls. One call was to take the engine temporarily out of service, and the other one was to call for a replacement engineer.
While their captain was in his office, the others were still in the process of dealing with the tragic news.
Mike continued to stand, though he was now leaning over the table. To the rest of the men it looked like their friend was about to pass out. Roy was able to coax Mike to sit down, and when he did, he broke down.
Unable to watch the scene continuing to unfold before him, Johnny quietly left the room.
Marco and Chet got up and joined the senior paramedic at Mike's side.
Mike knew why he was taking this news so hard. It wasn't just because a good friend had died, but rather because of the circumstances surrounding that death. In recent months whenever the two friends had spent time together, the engineer had gotten a sense that something was going on beneath that gregarious exterior. Like the proverbial duck on the pond…while above the surface of the water the duck appeared serene, but underneath his little legs were paddling like crazy. That's the kind of thing that Mike had sensed in Kyle…calm and happy on the outside, but quite turbulent on the inside.
Returning to his crew, Hank again went to his engineer's side.
"Michael, I'm sending you home. Marco and Chet will take you."
The two men glanced at each other, grateful to be able to have something to do, and also that they would be together.
Marco placed his hand on the engineer's back. "It's okay, Mike. We'll get through this. Me and Chet will take you home…unless there's some place else that you want to go?"
Shaking his head, Mike was able to get out a few words. "Home is fine."
Wanting to help, Chet offered to get Mike's things from his locker.
"Mike, I'll get your stuff."
Entering the locker room, Chet was surprised to see Johnny sitting in his locker, his head in his hands. He tried to be as quiet as he could so as not to disturb the paramedic, but Johnny, hearing someone entering the room, looked up.
"I'm…I'm sorry, Johnny. I just…I just came here to get Mike's stuff. Me and Marco are taking him home."
Wiping a few stranded tears from his cheek, Johnny nodded his head. "Good. He doesn't need to be here right now."
As he pulled Mike's bag from the locker, he kept his eyes on his friend. "You gonna be okay?"
Exhaling loudly, Johnny nodded his head. "I'll have to be…still have to work. Kyle wasn't one of my close friends…he was Mike's. I worked through Drew's death, and I'll do the same for this."
Closing Mike's locker door, Chet wanted to say something to his long-time friend, but wasn't sure what. "Johnny…"
The paramedic nodded his head, sure that he knew what his friend was trying to say.
"Thanks Chet."
By the time that Chet had returned to the squad room, Mike and Marco were ready to go.
"Chet, I'm going to drive Mike in his truck…you'll follow behind in your car. That way he won't be stranded at home."
Chet nodded his head in understanding. Under the circumstances Chet wanted things to be as simple and easy for his friend as possible.
While Marco and Chet were gone, Hank set about making sure that his two paramedics were okay to continue working. Johnny had come out of the locker room, and despite how he was feeling on the inside, was able to gather himself enough to appear that he was okay…which he was. Kyle's death had dredged up some bad memories for the paramedic, but once he got his feelings out, he was fine.
"You guys doing okay?" Hank asked the two men.
Roy sighed softly and nodded his head. "I'm alright. I just worry about Mike."
"You and me both. How about you, John? How are you doing?"
"I'm alright, too. Did they say who Mike's replacement will be?"
Shaking his head, Hank shrugged his shoulders. "No. But whoever it is, I'm sure will have heard the news about Kyle already."
"Yeah." came Johnny's soft reply.
Hoping for a call so they could keep busy, the two paramedics never got one.
An hour after they had left the station to take Mike home, Chet and Marco returned.
"How's he doing?"
Marco shook his head. "Not good, Cap. We got him settled, and even offered to call someone for him, but he said no. He was so quiet on the trip to his house. I know we've all experienced losses before, but this is something else. And to see Mike this way…he's usually like the giant redwood trees…tall and strong."
Interrupting the exchange, the replacement engineer entered the room quietly.
"Hi there." The firefighter said softly. "I'm Cody Ross. I'm the replacement engineer."
Extending his hand out, Hank smiled wearily. "Welcome. I'm Captain Stanley. Chet Kelly, Marco Lopez, and these are the two paramedics Roy DeSoto and John Gage."
Nodding his head, Cody continued to stand there, not quite sure what to do. He had heard the news, and just wanted to do his job quietly so as not to rock the boat.
It was Marco who jumped in first. "Let me show you around, Cody."
Deciding to join his friend, Chet followed the two of them into the locker room.
Once Hank had made the engine available, they were quickly called into service. In fact, both the engine and the squad were kept busy through the rest of the evening and night.
It was about 2AM when the paramedics had returned from another one of their calls. Too restless to sleep, Roy and Johnny decided to go out behind the station to enjoy the peace of the outdoors. Sitting on the hood of his Rover, Johnny looked up at the star-filled sky. Roy stood next to him, leaning on the Rover's front driver's side door.
"I just don't get it, Roy. Kyle had it all. What makes someone like that do something like what he did?"
Roy shook his head slowly. "I don't know, Johnny. They say looks can be deceiving. I guess…I guess despite what he portrayed on the outside, he was really hurting on the inside."
"Kinda like a mask? Or…or those models who wear all that make up? Take off all that stuff, and you have…just a regular face."
"Yeah, something like that."
"A painted smile." Johnny said softly.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Three days after Kyle's untimely passing, he was buried at Cliffside cemetery. Since his death was not a line of duty death, his family and the County Fire Department worked together to make a proper send off for the popular and much admired firefighter.
Despite Kyle's Irish Catholic heritage, there was not a church service, but rather a graveside service. His flag-draped coffin was transported by Engine 110…the engine on which he worked. His three brothers were pallbearers, along with Mike Stoker, and two other close friends of his. Kyle's mother and father, along with his fiancée Julianne sat heartbroken near the grave. The rest of his family, and friends, and all the other firefighters who were there to pay their last respects to an apparently tormented young man, were also heartbroken.
After the priest spoke, and several prayers were said, it was time for Kyle's eulogy. The eulogy was to be given by his brother Ryan.
Dressed in a black suit, with a green carnation in his lapel, and dark sunglasses on, Ryan got up to speak.
"My brother Kyle was one in a million. He was my best friend…and a better best friend I could never have asked for. He had the biggest heart that I had ever known. He would give you the shirt off of his back, and all the money he had in his wallet, if he knew you needed it. He was funny and playful, and told the funniest jokes and stories. As you all know, he was also a talented firefighter. In the course of his ten years on the job, he had received three commendations for bravery. Some of you are even here because he had saved your life, pulling you out of a burning building or car, or helped to bring a fellow firefighter to safety. He was also very handsome, something that he often got teased about. The ladies loved him, but he had given his heart to only one woman, Julianne. The two of them were to have been married in four months. It was something that we were all looking forward to. Julianne, despite the fact that the two of you will never be married, you will always be a part of our family. I'm not really sure what went wrong. To the rest of us it had seemed like Kyle had it all together. That he was happy in life, but sadly we know now that that wasn't true. I just wish he had talked to someone about things…we might still have him here with us if he had. People can say what they want about what happens to the souls of people who commit suicide, but it is my feeling, and I am sure everyone else's as well, that my brother is now up there with the angels. I sure will miss him, but I will always have a piece of him in my heart…his memory will live on forever. On behalf of my family, I would like to thank you all for coming, and a special thank you to the County Fire Department. Kyle loved being a firefighter more than anything else in the world. When you remember my brother, please do so with a happy heart…I know he would have wanted it that way."
Shaking hands with the priest, and the fire chief, Ryan rejoined his family.
Amazing Grace was played by the bagpipers and the last bell was rung. Both things caused many folks to break down, but Mike Stoker managed to keep a stoic face. The flag that had been draped over Kyle's coffin was folded and offered to Mr. and Mrs. McGrath.
Just like that 32 years of life had come to an end.
Walking back to Johnny's Rover, Roy looked over at his partner. "Johnny, for now on…whether I want to hear it or not, please tell me whenever there's something bothering you. I never want to see a painted smile on your face."
Johnny smiled sincerely over at his best friend. "You got it, partner. You, too. The next time you and Joanne have a fight, or…I wanna know about it."
Roy returned Johnny's smile. "Yeah."
"We'll really have to look after Mike…make sure he's okay. Here on out…no more painted smiles."
The End
**Author's notes: This story is dedicated to my brother-in-law Mike. It was ten years ago that he had tragically taken his own life. Depression and being bi-polar got the best of him. We miss him, but I know he is in fact up there smiling with the angels, and having a good time fishing with my father and brother.