Hey everyone! so this is very different from what I usually write. very dark and depressing. And now listen up cause this is really important; i refuse to believe that Susan's only interest became nylons and parties and lipsticks and boys. And i refuse to believe she tried to forget Narnia. So, instead, she did the opposite. She never went out and retreated completely into herself, always staying home and never going out. THIS HAS NO CONNECTION TO MY OTHER STORIES WHATSOEVER so don't let it confuse you. Anyway, it is kinda Alternate Universe too. it is going to start out with an OC who is very similiar to Caspian which is the reason Susan resents and loves him at the same time. He slowly is able to pull her out of her depression and help her to see the light again. Meanwhile, the Pevensie's and Caspian are coming up with a plan to save the one they all love.
Anyway I hope you all really like it and please tell me what you think.
Disclaimer: i do not own the Chronicles of Narnia or the characters and or plots. All credit goes to c.s. Lewis.
Peter worked so hard. He spent every hour of every day studying to be a doctor, every minute spent in the hopes of someday saving someone's sister or mother or son from an early death. He had never told anyone but Peter's professor had found it scribbled in one of his notebooks he left in class one day. The professor told Susan it was the most beautiful thing he had ever read though he couldn't quite understand it when he handed her the crumpled paper at the funeral. Susan had broken down into desperate, wailing, heartwrenching sobs as she caught a glimpse of Peter's warm, slanted, regal looping words on the corner of the rumpled paper. He must have scrawled it in his textbook when he was up very late studying to keep himself going and to convince himself that it would all pay off when he saw the look in someone's eyes when they saw a loved one laying there, alive in a hospital bed because of him.
It had taken days for Susan to build up the strength to smooth out the wrinkled paper and read the slanting words. The pain and loss and depression and despair was more than she could ever imagine it was possible to feel. Seeing those small, slanting words had taken everything out of her. She couldn't go on. She couldn't be alive when they were not. It just wasn't fair. How could she, the pathetic, worthless, insignificant coward she was, breath and walk and feel the sun and be alive when they were not. She didn't deserve to live. She didn't deserve to be alone in the world. She didn't deserve this kind of hell. She felt as if death would have been a sweet relief as she read the looping words of her brother, her rock, her best friend.
Sometimes I feel like I will be crushed under the weight of it all. The Latin, the homework, the lectures the notes, the family. I try so hard to keep it all together, for Mum and Lucy and Edmund but mostly for Susan. I want her to be okay so badly. I want her so badly to feel good and happy again. I wanted to drop out weeks ago and more than once I went down to the registration office to turn in my books and everything but I just couldn't do it. And each time I saw my sister's face. No matter how torn apart and how dead and broken and vile I feel on the inside I had to hold it together for her on the outside. Because all of my suffering and heartbreak and pain is nothing compared to hers. I hadn't been ripped away from someone I loved. I hadn't found my other half and then been told I would never see him again. I have to show her that life goes on and that hers can too.
And then I remembered Lucy's cordial. The look on someone's face when the red drops touched their lips and the life came back into them. And I thought to myself 'Wow. My baby sister just saved a life. Someone gets their father or their brother, son, uncle, cousin, boyfriend back. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to live without my family. And I sincerely hope I never have to. And now their family doesn't have to either. And months after we returned, I knew that that was what I was meant to do. I wanted to be the man that saved lives. I wanted to be the one that was proof that miracles could happen. And I had to do this. It was all I had left after losing everything I loved. I may not be a king anymore but I can still make a difference.
She dropped the precious scribble to the ground, her heart breaking and twisting and her tears pouring down her face. It wasn't fair. Why? What did she do wrong? Why was it that Peter, sweet caring wonderful, magnificent Peter died while she survived the horrible accident. He wanted to do something with his life. Something noble and brave and good while she, who had convinced herself she had no future and was only interested in staying home and reading, got to live. No, this wasn't living. Not even close. Surviving a train crash, living with all the memories and the images and the sounds, knowing that those screams were coming from your sister and the bodies being flung from the car were your brothers, was not living. Living hell maybe, but not living.
This was crueler than death. It was life with death. Living with the death of everything you loved one step behind you. Looking at your father's sitting chair or your little brother's chess set and bursting out in tears. No, this wasn't life; this was living death. This was a thousand times worse than wished so desperately it had been her on that train that had died. She would have given anything to have died on that train with her family. To die with them, not survive only to be trapped in this eternal hell.
And she lay on the floor, sobbing her heart out. She wanted to die. She wanted to be with them. She couldn't take this pain. This pain so intense and excruciating that she couldn't even breath. She could literally feel herself being torn apart from the inside out. She could feel the fire inside of her heart, reducing everything inside of her into ashes. That was all that was left of her life. Ashes. Memories of the metal screeching and her brother's arms tight around her. Memories of Edmund's blood splattering her face and seeing Peter's mangled form beside her.
Somehow she managed to drag herself to her brothers' room, the pain as she saw the familiar wallpaper and plain, cheerful walls driving the knife even farther into her heart. She let out an earsplitting wail and clutched the letter to her heart, her own tears smudging the ink on some of her brother's last thoughts. Her brother that had died trying to protect lump in her throat was slowly suffocating her as she pulled herself onto Peter's bed and buried her face deep into his pillow. The cloth was soaked with tears in a moment but she clung to it as if her life depended on it. And it still smelled like him. Peter. Her best friend and her big brother.
Always smiling, forever loving, always helpful Peter. Always there for her brother and sisters. Putting everything he had into being a good brother. So good and strong and pure and sweet and loving and kind. Always there to protect her and listen to her and help her, even when she screamed at him she didn't need it. He tried so hard to help her start living again. Tried to take her to parties and get her to go out again. Even just taking her to library or restaurants. He tried so hard to help her and all she did was push him away. Peter didn't deserve to die.
And Edmund. Her sweet, impish, teasing, over protective, amazing little brother. She missed them all so, so much. Before she would never have even thought it possible to feel so empty. She knew how horrible it sounded but she thought that perhaps she missed him the most. She cried and cried and cried into Peter's pillow, snatching a blanket off of Edmund's bed and enveloping herself in its softness. She clung to it, clinging desperately to the very faint smell of her little brother that still soaked into to the thin blanket. And she had been so horrible, to all of them.
Out of all her memories, her last memory of Edmund was the most painful of anything she could have ever experienced. She had just been sitting at home, by herself again, trying not to let the giant gaping hole in her chest overcome her. She hadn't spoken to anyone other than her family for days. She was terrified she would run into someone who looked similar to Caspian and break down right in the middle of the street. Her whole family, including Eustace and Professor Kirke and Miss Plummer, were all going away just for a few days, to visit Professor Kirke's old house for a few days, as the new owners were going away for a few days and had invited them all to keep house for them.
Lucy had begged Susan to come with them but she just couldn't do it. She couldn't be in that house where it had all started. She just couldn't do it. She wasn't strong enough. She had told her family she would stay here, mind the house. Peter had been furious and she supposed Edmund had too but he hadn't yelled and screamed and ranted at her like Peter had. to. He knew how the thought of going back to that house was unbearable for her. But he tried. Lucy begged and pleaded and Peter had yelled and screamed at but not Edmund. He always seemed to know exactly what to say to her.
"Don't stay here all alone Su. It's really hard to watch you be in so much pain. I'm trying to help you Susan. If you'll let me. All you have done all year is being alone. And I know it hurts and I know it is going to be hard seeing that house but please come with us. Everyone will be there, Miss Plummer, Professor Kirke, Peter, Lucy, me. We can all remember together. We can all hurt together. You don't have to forget Susan. You don't have to-''
"Forget? Is that what you all think I am trying to do?" she said in a small, trembling voice. She shook her head sadly.
"I never forgot Edmund. Maybe I lost faith along the way I'll admit it but I never forgot. I never stopped believing in Narnia Ed. I never stopped remembering Caspian and Tumnus and the beavers and how much it hurt me not to go back. That day at the portal, that was the worst day of my life Edmund! I died that day. At least you got to go back. At least you got to see him again. And I know this sounds horrible but I hate that. I hate that you and Lu got to see him again and I didn't because 'I had learned everything I could from Narnia.' And I hate that I sit her everyday remembering how much it hurt to leave him and how much I still love him while meanwhile he was marrying someone else. And everyday that thought killed has always been there haunting and following me, everyday, and no matter how much I want to I cannot forget all the pain that place caused me" she said, tears pricking her eyes. Edmund just looked at her with his big brown eyes and then took her hand.
"Then come with me! Come with me and we will all remember together. Come with me and we can keep Narnia alive! I know how bad it hurts, but you can't give up Susan. Please, if you ever loved Narnia at all, come with us," he said in a pleading almost desperate voice.
''Edmund I can't I-"
"Yes you can! You have too. You have to keep going Susan. Caspian is gone. I know you loved him and I know its hard to admit it but he isn't coming back. But you will see him again someday Su. Aslan promised. He promised and if you can't have faith in me at least have faith in him. Please. I am begging you. Come with us," her little brother said, his eyes boring holes through her. He looked so young and scared and determined and Susan couldn't say no to him. And so she grabbed her coat and she let Edmund drive her to the train station.
Edmund loved her. Edmund understood her. Edmund helped her. Edmund didn't deserve to die.
Finally they puled up to the station and Edmund hopped out of the car and ran to the other side to open his sister's door for her. She thanked him with a smile and grabbed hold tight of his hand. She was scared. She hadn't seen Peter in weeks. And the last thing he had said to her was that he couldn't make her keep her faith and he was done trying. Her parents thought she had some sort of eating disorder or mental disease or a chronic depression problem. She didn't know what Professor Kirke and Miss Plummer thought of her.
And Eustace. She hadn't seen him since he 'transformed'. Last time she had seen him he had been a snotty, spoiled little brat who didn't know how to keep his mouth shut. But apparently, he was different now. He had seen Caspian. And she had not. He had been to Narnia. And She had not. He was going back. And she was not. He had met Caspian's son. The son he had with another woman.
She remembered when Edmund and Lucy came home from Eustace's house and told her and Peter they had been to Narnia. And she had told Susan that Caspian had a message for her. And Lucy had whispered in Susan's ear that Caspian loved her. Liar.
He told Lucy he loved Susan and yet he married Lilliandel not two months after the voyage was over. He lied. He didn't love her. He didn't care about her. He didn't need her. He didn't miss her.
Not like she loved him. Not like she cared about him. Not like she needed him. Not like she missed him.
And after Eustace had told the four Pevensie's about his visit with Jill Pole, Susan spiraled even deeper into her depression. He had gotten married. He had a son. He didn't love her. He was dead. That was what hurt her the most. Made her heart ache and burn and twist. He was dead. Sweet, handsome, kind, generous, tender, caring, strong, courageous, brave Caspian.
Caspian didn't deserve to die.
Susan had cried and sobbed and wailed for days after Eustace's visit. They all had. Lucy would burst into tears at random moments of the day, running up to her room and collapsing on her bed in heart wrenching sobs. Even Peter, who had gotten off on quite the wrong foot with Caspian, had been horribly upset by the news. And Edmund, Edmund took it the worse perhaps except for Susan. He had lost his best friend. His second brother.
They had all cried for days and days, barely speaking to one another, staying in their rooms most of the day. And poor Lucy had been crushed but stil tried to comfort Susan before herself, crawling into her sister's bed late at night, holding her hand on the walk to school, cuddling with her on the couch.
"He really did love you, you know." she whispered to Susan late one night when the two were sleeping. Susan sighed and her eyes welled up with tears.
"He got married two months after he told you that Lu! He found that Lilliandel person and I just vanished. He didn't love me Lu, he never did. He lied to you." she said in a trembling voice, partly trembling with anger.
"That's not possibel Su! You didn't see his face when he asked me about you! He was horribly depressed. He asked me or Ed about you every other day. He was a mess, he just didn't want to show it. But I could see it in his eyes. He loved you so much," she whispered in a soothing voice.
Susan shook her head, sending tears flying through the air and splattering the pillow.
"Su he HAD to get married. You know that! He was king, he needed to give Narnia an heir. That doesn't mean he loved you any less," Lucy said in a barely whisper.
Lucy. Innocent, optimistic, beautiful, sweet, sunshiny little Lucy. The ray of sunshine in the family. Most loved by all. The baby no matter how old she got. Lucy didn't deserve to die.
But she had. They all had. And Susan hadn't; which was a fate crueler than anything she could have imagined. She wanted to die. She had nothing to live for. Peter didn't deserve to die. Edmund didn't deserve to die. Lucy didn't deserve to die. Miss Plummer didn't deserve to die. Professor Kirke didn't deserve to die. Mum didn't deserve to die. Dad didn't deserve to die. Eustace didn't deserve to die.
But Susan, Susan deserved to die. But she hadn't. She was still here, rotting in this hell.
Well there you go, the depressing prologue. I will probably be updating this chapter less often than TBF so just a head's up. i really hope you like it and please let me know if this is worth continueing. Reviews/suggestions/ comments/constructive criticisms greatly appreciated and welcomed!