I DISCLAIM EVERYTHING
The first time Gaius caught Gwen staring listlessly out of her window he got a horrible flashback of Uther following Morgana's betrayal and had nearly keeled over in relief when she answered him with perfect awareness after he had called her name. The second time she took longer to respond and the third had pretty much the same reaction time as the second. She seemed like she was waiting for someone just like Uther had been. He didn't find it odd though, thinking that part of her was still in denial over Arthur's death. He knew that even though she appeared strong and stoic in front of the council, knights, common people and foreign dignitaries most nights she cried herself to sleep and she didn't sleep in her bed rather in separate chambers or the couch or she'd sneak out in the night to her old house. Percival even found her asleep on the floor twice. She ate very little nowadays and when she wasn't in council meetings or staying up until the wee hours of daylight knee deep in paper work she was staring out of the window or standing outside Gwaine or Elyan's room door just staring at the room from beyond the threshold, refusing to enter. Gaius was getting extremely worried and so was Leon and Percival. They also knew she was having some of the knights on some top secret mission that she refused to elaborate on. She'd more than once showed that though she was a merciful and good queen she wouldn't tolerate being thought of as less equipped and she wouldn't be the council's puppet queen and as a result two lords had already been banished from the council. Though no one contested that decision Gaius felt Gwen was cracking and that especially disturbed him as his suspicions on her condition deepened. The next week was spent watching Gwen get sicker and feeling his suspicions deepen.
One day that particular week, he walked into her room to see her staring at her food but not eating it.
"My lady, you must eat." He advised worriedly.
"I know." She replied but made no move to do so.
"Guinevere, this isn't healthy especially with you running a kingdom."
"I know." She repeated. He took a deep breath before taking the plunge he had been avoiding for two weeks.
"The baby needs the nutrients." He said tentatively. Gwen didn't move for a few moments before she reached her hand out, picked up her fork and began eating. She didn't say anything about the fact that Gaius sat down across from her and stayed to make sure she ate it all. When she was finished she finally looked up at him with tears in her eyes.
"I know. I've known since about a week after Arthur died. I didn't want to believe it but... I know."
"Why did you not say anything?" He asked.
"Arthur and Gwaine died and then I found out I was pregnant. I just... it's supposed to be happy news and it is but Arthur isn't here to share it with." Gwen explained.
"I understand. You need not say anything further on that matter. I will procure a midwife and set you up with prenatal potions." Gaius assured, taking her hand across the table.
"Thank you, Gaius." She replied gratefully.
"What are the patrols for?" Gaius asked curiously. Since she was opening up he decided to try his luck.
"They're for Merlin."
"You're arresting him?" Gaius asked frightened.
"No! Of course not!" Gwen exclaimed, shocked.
"Why would you think such a thing?"
"You now know he has magic and Arthur died in his charge."
"Which isn't Merlin's fault, I know that, but he's a known sorcerer now and people will be after him. I need him here where I can protect him." Gwen explained, getting up and standing by the window.
"Protect him? From who?"
"Everyone, himself: take your pick. I just need to know in no uncertain terms that he is okay. I need him as much as I expect he needs me. I've sent Hunith messages but she has not seen him."
"I didn't know you were trying so ardently to get him back." He commented with surprise at Gwen's actions towards having Merlin in Camelot for a non hostile purpose.
"If you have contact with him tell him I'm not mad, Gaius. Upset, yes, but not at him. I just want him to be okay. He needs to come home. Tell him I'm waiting for him." Gwen said, still staring out the window and now he understood. She wasn't waiting for Arthur to come back to end a horrible nightmare, to stop the rain. She accepted it would now be a permanent fixture in her life. She was waiting for Merlin. She needed him there with her so she had the strength and willpower to learn to dance in the rain, to be able to live with the pain and he wasn't there. He was probably as worse as her and he didn't yet realize what she had: they needed each. Gaius had often times thought of Arthur, Gwen and Merlin as a triangle. They all needed each other. Now with Arthur gone and Gwen and Merlin separated from each other they were just two sides floating in the wind. If they found each other, if they came together again, they could learn to live without Arthur. They could be like two parallel lines forever in juxtaposition to each other, forever together as equals. He needed to find Merlin and find him quickly.
MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN MERLIN
She was doing way too much and all the knights, servants and Gaius knew it. It had now been four months since Arthur died, two since Gaius told Gwen of her pregnancy which they were keeping a secret, and there was to be a big meeting between Camelot, Caerleon, Nemeth, Meredor - Odin's kingdom - and Rhegad - Olaf's kingdom - to settle any border disputes, fortify treaties and offer condolences to Gwen it would seem. She had heard the words 'I'm sorry for your loss' more times in the past two days that Camelot had been playing host than she had in the past four months. Vivian, who had accompanied her father, came up to Gwen in the dining hall during a feast.
"I feel so awful." She lamented.
"What?" Gwen said, looking away from the window towards the blonde.
"Arthur. His death. It's all I think about. How my love died without me there to give him one last kiss." Vivian gushed as tears welled up in her eyes.
"Your love?" Gwen asked blankly. Some part of her brain reminded her that Vivian was under a love enchantment and probably didn't know better but that didn't stop the feelings of anger from welling up inside of her.
"Arthur: he was the only one for me and now I shall die a widow." Gwen's eyes widened in disbelief at her words.
"You? A widow? Have you any idea, little girl, what I'm dealing with right now? Can you even imagine... I have no family left. My parents are dead, my brother died and three months later so did my husband and one of my best friends. I'm left to run this kingdom on my own. Now the one person I need, the one person who could help me through this, is nowhere to be found and you're busy venting to me about your pain and about your sorrow over losing Arthur. Have you gone mad?" Gwen railed in anger and disbelief. She squeezed the glass in her hand so hard it broke in her hand, shards of it puncturing her skin. Most of the people close enough to hear were now staring at the two women.
"I loved Arthur too, he was my true love! He was everything to me! I loved him more everyday! If he had been with me, he'd be alive today!" Gwen felt the urge to slap Vivian across the face but she was a queen so she had to act a certain way. She mustered her waning strength and spoke directly to Vivian.
"Until you spend years of your life with someone, until you wake up with that person everyday, until you make plans for a future that won't ever come don't you dare presume that you can explain to me what true love is because you've no idea. No idea at all." Gwen said lowly before the stinging in her hand got too noticeable. She strutted out of the dining hall ignoring the stares and whispers and Olaf's apologetic face. She managed to reach the end of the corridor before she began feeling woozy. She stumbled and before she could do anything she found herself falling forward. She registered hands catching her and lowering to the ground softly.
"I've got you Gwen." She heard a voice say but she was already too gone to register it. When she woke up she was in her bed. She could feel gauze on her right hand and as she snapped her eyes open she saw Annis leaning over her with a motherly smile in her face.
"Welcome back, Guinevere." Annis said softly.
"What happened?" Gwen asked in confusion.
"Vivian got you quite riled up and you ended up taking a bit of a spill. The fact that you've not been eating well and are pregnant might have a bit to do with it." Gwen looked alarmed and Annis chuckled at that
"I have six children dear, I know when a woman is pregnant. Plus, I've barely seen you touch a morsel since I've been here. You must care for yourself better. I know your pain. I am a widow as well so please feel no shame in corresponding with me whenever you need to."
"Thank you Annis." Gwen said earnestly as she felt her eyes stinging. Annis wasn't Merlin and wouldn't completely understand losing Arthur but she could understand losing your husband and inheriting a kingdom in a way Merlin wouldn't understand.
"I'd actually like to stay in Camelot for the next few months."
"But your kingdom-"
"Is in my eldest son's hands. I've been wanting to see how he will do without me and this seems a perfect opportunity. It's too good to simply pass up." Annis assured.
"You'll need a woman whose been through a pregnancy by your side and luckily I've been around the block a few times." Annis said, smiling again.
"Thank you and thank you for having your man catch me."
"Oh I can't take the credit for that. That was your fool-turned-sorcerer." Gwen's eyes widened and she sat up quickly with her eyes darting around the room. Merlin stepped out of the shadows hesitantly with a sheepish expression. Annis stood up from the bed.
"I shall leave you two alone." Annis said before sweeping out of the room. Gwen stared at Merlin who stared back at her. Gwen reached her hand out to him and he hesitated to go to her.
"Come." She said simply. There was no demand or order in her voice, it was more a request than anything else. He sighed before walking over to her and taking her hand in his. She pulled him onto the bed with surprising strength and immediately pulled him into an embrace. He opened his mouth to speak.
"Gwen-"
"Don't... just... just... hold me." He was painfully aware of when Arthur had said the same to him before he died. With that thought in mind and the remembrance of his cold body growing stiff, limp and heavy he sunk into the hug. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and he tried to keep them at bay but they came anyway. He closed his eyes against the tears and with a sob he pulled Gwen closer. Gwen could also feel tears in her eyes and at Merlin's broken sob they began to run slowly down her face as she stared out at the room she used to share with Arthur. She only just realized this was her first time laying in this bed since Arthur died. She closed her and breathed out a deep sigh before pulling back and pulling Merlin's face into her hands. She wiped his tears away with her fingertips and he did the same for her. She smiled reassuringly at him before speaking.
"Merlin..." She trailed off a bit before pulling one of his hands into hers and resting her other on his cheek. She breathed out deeply again before saying what she had been wanting to say for months now.
"I wasn't usually the kind of person who talked to guys locked in the stocks. I didn't do that, I didn't stop but I did for you. You made me stop. It was the way you were brave enough to stand up to Arthur and all those bullies for a stranger and then it was that goofy smile but there was more there in your eyes. I got a sense of abandonment from you, sorrow, fear and a sense of misdirection. Like you didn't know your purpose and all that culminating in your eyes. They were sad a lot, they were even sadder than mine. Before you came to Camelot, I was all alone." Gwen looked down with a sad smile.
"There were moments, people who managed to sometimes convince me I wasn't as alone as I thought but it always came back: that loneliness, that sadness. Then I met you and you brought me back. You really did and you helped me find Arthur, the real Arthur. I wouldn't be here without you."
"That's not true. You got yourself here by being you and you're not alone. You never were." Merlin protested.
"Physically, no. Not at first anyway but Elyan left and even though I still had my father and Morgana I was taking care of them and I didn't mind it really but now with everything that's happened... people lie and they leave and t-they die but you're not just anyone Merlin."
"Neither was Arthur... or Gwaine." Merlin's voice cracked on Gwaine's name and he looked down sadly. He had barely given himself enough time to really sit down and think about that particular loss as he had been dwelling on Arthur's.
"I know that. You know I know that more than anyone besides you but they are gone now. We lost them and we can't lose each other too. So whatever is holding you back, whatever was keeping you from home I need you to let it go." Merlin had tears slipping down his face faster. Gwen lifted his head up by his chin.
"I need you to be here safe. I need you... period because I can't do this without you. You are... everything to me right now Merlin. I need you with me, please. I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe as long as I can keep you. Whatever I need to do, whatever you want: you tell me and it's yours." Gwen pleaded with no shortage of desperation in her voice. Merlin shook his head before resting his forehead against hers.
"I don't need anything apart from to be here with you." Merlin replied reassuringly.
"You'll stay?" Gwen asked, needing confirmation.
"I was alone before I met you too, apart from my mother and Will. I was an outcast, I was a bastard child but you didn't care. I don't want to go back to being me without both you and Arthur plus with Gwaine gone... I'll stay here with you and I will protect you and your child." Merlin reassured. Gwen smiled and hugged Merlin again.
"We'll protect each other." Gwen amended. From the corner of the room Arthur's spirit smiled. He couldn't truly rest knowing they hadn't found each other yet, now he could. His wait thus began.
AN:Gwen's little speech was inspired by a scene between Olivia and Huck in Scandal.