I have come up with an amazing idea. I am going to leave my son Evan with my husband's aunt, Kathryn, while we go house hunting in Atlanta. The thing is, Kathryn is deaf, and hasn't learned to lip read or use sign language. I know it sounds irresponsible of me to leave him with her, and… well, it is. But I think it's also a stroke of genius on my part, leaving the brat with someone who can't listen to him whine.

My husband disagreed with that decision, so we argued about it. Evan eavesdropped on us. Brat. He thinks he's so clever and sneaky, that we don't know he constantly eavesdrops on us. I should probably tell him to stop, but what's the point? He never listens to me.

Of course, the second we got there the brat started whining. Exact conversation:

Evan: *tugging my hand* I don't want to stay here. Please don't leave me here.

What I wanted to say: SHUT UP! God, SHUT UP! I'd take you with me if you weren't so unbearable!

What I actually said: Evan, you're twelve. Don't act like an infant.

Evan: I hate when you say that!

What I wanted to say: And I hate it when you whine like a little bitch, but we can't always have our way, can we?

What I actually said: Nothing. I raised my hand, wanting to slap him, but then I realised if I did, he'd never stop whining. So instead, I "gently" ran my hand through his hair. Of course, he whined about that, too.

Evan: And I hate it when you do that! Don't touch my hair. I hate it!

What I wanted to say: What did I ever do deserve your whining?

What I actually said: I guess you hate me, then.

Evan: *not denying that he hates me – I guess my feelings towards him are mutual* Why can't I come with you? Just give me one good reason.

What I wanted to say: Because you're an insufferable brat who makes my life hell every time you open your mouth.

What I actually said: Your shoelace is untied.

Evan: So? I like 'em untied.

What I wanted to say: I hope you also like a slap to the face, because that's what you're going to get if you keep this up.

What I actually said: You'll trip.

Evan: Mom – have you ever see anyone trip because their sneaker was untied?

What I wanted to say: Please get away from me.

What I actually said: Well… no.

And so on and so on. FINALLY, I managed to drag him into the house. Once we were inside, Kathryn took an interest in Evan's love life. She asked if he had a girlfriend. Then she kept going on about how "He likes the girls, eh? Just like his father. His father always liked the girls." Evan looked horrified. It was quite amusing despite the awkwardness.

Then Evan started whining again. I gave him some money, hoping it would shut him up. Then I left for my vacation from Evan – I mean, to look for houses in Atlanta.

The truth is, we found a house in the first few days, but we still wanted some time away from Evan, so when we called him, I lied and said we needed more time. Shockingly, he didn't whine about this, and just said everything was fine…at first. Then he said he thought Kathryn hated him. Whoa, Kathryn and I have something in common! Of course, I reassured him and said "oh, I'm sure she doesn't hate you", blah blah blah.

The weeks after that were bliss. Actually, the entire vacation – I mean, house hunt was bliss. But of course, all good things must come to an end. I have to pick up the brat now. Wish me luck!

…I have no idea what just happened. Long story short, Kathryn isn't deaf anymore, there's a blob of green goo in the house, and Evan has gained a few bruises and a new friend. I'm just as confused as you are.

First of all, Kathryn told me the most insane story. She lost me at "evil cat witch". I thought she had completely lost it, so I just smiled and nodded until it was time to leave. But then Evan told me it was true. I thought he was playing some kind of joke on me, so I just ignored him. Either that or he's spent too much time with Kathryn and became just as batty as her.

What's more, Evan actually made a friend. Can you BELIEVE that? I've barely managed to restrain myself from flinging him off a cliff all the time I've had to raise him. The idea of someone willingly choosing to spend time with him because they like him is baffling to me.

What's more, they were flirting with each other. Well. Sort of. As close as twelve-year-olds get to flirting, anyway. I overheard him awkwardly offer to write to her and she offered to call him, just as awkwardly. Ah, awkward preteen flirting. She's pretty, I'll give her that. He has good taste. Can't say the same about her.

And Evan has a few bruises on his face. I'm guessing someone finally got sick of his whining and decided to teach him a lesson. I asked him about it. Not because I cared, but because I wanted to know who did it so I could congratulate them. Also because I knew he'd whine about it anyway. Shockingly, he tried to brush it off as nothing. Those people must've beaten him into submission. Either that or they threatened to hurt him if he told anyone. Probably the latter. I decided to let it slide since we were flying to Atlanta in a while and they couldn't bother him there unless they were really determined.

Okay, this is ridiculous. We're on the plane, and Evan is STILL going on about Kathryn's made up story. Maybe Kathryn put something strange in the food she gave him. I'm sure it'll wear off in a few hours.

I actually don't hate Evan. In fact, I sympathise with him a lot and think he gets way too much hate. I even wrote a post defending him on the Goosebumps Reddit that you can check out if you want. However, it's still fun to write about his mom making fun of him.