Miserable (s) Vacation
A/N: Written 30 minutes before midnight while virtually high on sugar and Christmas specials, so….beware. WARNINGS: FLUFF, slash, AU, Marius being a girl
Disclaimer: I don't own Les Mis, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, eggnog, Pine-sol, Napoleon Bonaparte, or the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas".
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"ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
R AND ENJY KISSING IN A TREE
ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
FEUILLY SEXING POLAND
AND R AND ENJY KISSING IN A TREE!"
Cosette Pontmercy attempted to cover both her ears with her one free hand as she gathered up spilled eggnog glasses with the other. "Marius, dear," she asked, her voice taut with stress. "Does he ever shut up?"
"And on Christmas Eve, 1803, Napoleon was….what honey?" Marius Pontmercy pushed a pair of reading glasses further up his nose as he raised his eyes to meet his wife's glare. "Oh, Jehan? No, unfortunately, he doesn't."
"One time at the Musain, he got into Grantaire's brandy stash," Courfeyrac commented from his spot beside Marius.
"Now that was disastrous! He sang nonstop for twelve hours!" interjected Bahorel.
"ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
EVERYONE LOVING MY SINGING
FEUILLY SEXING POLAND
AND R AND ENJY KISSING IN A TREE!"
"CAN IT, JEHAN! I AM NOT DATING POLAND! ….A person can't date a country anyway," Feuilly sulked.
"I don't think 'sexing' is actually a word," noted Combeferre. Everyone ignored him.
Cosette ran her fingers through her long brown hair, sighing gustily as she did so. She understood that her husband hadn't seen his friends for years, but did he have to invite every single member of Les Amis de l'ABC AND that obnoxious gamin to their house for Christmas? Her father had added another name to the list when he'd invited his old mentor, the Bishop of Digne. Add to that the fact that dear old Papa had insisted she "try to heal the wounds of her past" and invite the Thenardiers as well! All four had shown up clad in little more than dirt and rags, and to top it all off Monsieur Thenardier had had the audacity to drag along that scruffy band of villains Patron-Minette as well!! The result—complete and absolute chaos.
Yes, Cosette thought as she glanced around the wreck that had once been the Pontmercy living room, chaos about sums it up. Marius, Courfeyrac and Combeferre sat in a veritable ocean of papers (most of which, she feared, were bills). Gavroche was taking aim with his slingshot at the ornaments on their Christmas tree. Thenardier was playing some form of card game with Bossuet, which of course the latter always lost, resulting in him banging his hairless head against their newly-polished wood table….well, many more times than she could count. Enjolras and Grantaire were, as Jehan had so aptly noted in his song, having some R-rated fun in the corner, surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol. That slick-looking fellow, Mont-something-or-other, was alternating between sending her seductive winks and making out with Eponine Thenardier. The one with the mask—Claquesous, was it?--had locked himself in the bathroom, insisting that he "maintain his anonymity while among the enemy," causing the rest of Patron-Minette as well as Bahorel to attempt to break down the door so they could go. Madame Thenardier was in the kitchen, cooking—the odors emitting from the large oaken door reminded Cosette of mud mixed with Grantaire's worst alcohol breath mixed with chicken droppings thrice dunked in the fetid waters of the Seine. Joly was running around the room screaming "GERMS, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" while spraying the room liberally with Pine-Sol and antibacterial soap, leaving a coating of foam over just about every bit of furniture the Pontmercys owned. Feuilly was sulking in a corner, still insulted by Jehan's remark about Poland, completely oblivious to the fact that the bishop was attempting to lecture him about the evils of holding grudges. Azelma Thenardier was off somewhere chasing after the cat. And, of course, Jehan was singing….
"ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
LOTS OF SHINY GLITTERY THINGS
EVERYONE LOVING MY SINGING
FEUILLY SEXING POLAND
AND ENJY AND R KISSING IN A TREE!"
"Hey, love," Marius whispered in her ear. Cosette allowed her muscles to relax as her husband's arms encircled her waist. "I know it's chaotic. But come on….everyone's having so much fun!"
As Gavroche shattered yet another limited-edition glass ornament, the housewife cringed. "Yeah….fun…."
"Hey, if you need to get away for a few minutes, why don't you convince your father to join the merriment?" the lawyer suggested.
"Hmm…." As he spoke, it dawned on Cosette that there was one person missing from the overcrowded scene of holiday cheer….her adoptive father, Jean Valjean.
"Yes, I suppose I should get him…." She sighed. "Oh, Marius, ever since that revolt on the barricades and the day he told us the truth, he's been so….quiet. Pensive. Sad. Lonely. I frankly don't know what's wrong with him!"
"Well, if anyone can cheer him up, you can," the too-cheery Marius responded with an overabundance of gaiety as he kissed the top of his wife's head. "You're amazing at that."
Cosette sighed for what felt like the millionth time, wondering how anyone with the slightest grain of common sense could still be cheerful amidst all this. Holding her skirts daintily with one hand, she ascended the stairs to her father's study just as Jehan began another verse.
"ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
BOSSUET LOSING…AGAIN
LOTS OF SHINY GLITTERY THINGS
EVERYONE LOVING MY SINGING
FEUILLY SEXING POLAND
AND ENJY AND R KISSING IN A TREE!"
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One Hour Later
"ON THE TENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
JOLY BEING WEIRD
FERRE IS A FERRET
THAT INNKEEPER GUY IS CREEPY
MARIUS BEING A GIRL
LOTS AND LOTS OF EGGNOG
BOSSUET LOSING……AGAIN
LOTS OF SHINY GLITTERY THINGS
EVERYONE LOVING MY SINGING
FEUILLY SEXING POLAND
AND ENJY AND R KISSING IN A TREE!"
Cosette slid her arm around her father's waist as she tried (once again unsuccessfully) to cover both her ears and his with a single hand. "Trust me….you get used to it," she assured the older man.
"Used to what…..oh…..that. The singing. Yes, singing." Valjean noted in a distracted manner. "I hadn't noticed. The singing, that is."
Cosette opened her mouth to ask her father what was wrong when suddenly he was surrounded on all sides and carried away from her by a veritable tide of humanity. The small, ratlike Thenardier held out his hands as though demanding money, the bishop was saying something about "my brother," and Marius….well, she had no idea what Marius was doing.
Suddenly, a large mass of flesh blocked Madame Pontmercy's view of her husband and father. "Try a bit o'pie, won't you, Cosette luv." The mask of pancake makeup that was Madame Thenardier's face was wreathed in a hundred-watt, incredibly fake smile as she proffered a tray of gray, foul-smelling gook with black-and-purple-spots….the Thenardiess's pie was more unlike pie than anything Cosette had ever seen.
"Um…no thank you, er….madame." Cosette attempted to push aside the tormenter of her childhood, failed, and finally managed to squeeze through the small space between Madame Thenardier and Joly, resulting in a full blast of Pine-Sol to the face.
Coughing and hacking, Cosette made her way over to where Marius had finally gotten Valjean's attention. "Um…Monsieur," her husband was saying, pushing a lock of his growing-out hair behind his ear….
My, he does look a bit like a girl….she noted before her husband began to speak.
"Monsieur, I….I do not believe I have ever fully expressed my thanks to you for rescuing me from the barricade. If you….if you would, Monsieur….I would like to get you a Christmas present…whatever it is you may want. I know I do not have much money, but for you, Monsieur, anything."
Suddenly, something within Jean Valjean broke. Cosette saw a strange, wild look come into his eyes, a look she had not seen since their midnight flight through Paris in the early years of her life.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT?" the usually soft-spoken man exploded. The entire room (even Jehan) went silent. Even Montparnasse and Eponine stopped kissing. (Enjolras and Grantaire; however, did not).
"YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT?" Valjean repeated. "YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT, MONSIEUR PONTMERCY? I WANT….I WANT THAT PREJUDICED LIFE-RUINING DOG-SCENTED LOWLIFE SNUFF-ABUSING DAMNED POLICEMAN, INSPECTOR JAVERT, BROUGHT HERE WITH A DAMN RED BOW ON HIS HEAD, SO I CAN TELL HIM WHAT A PREJUDICED LIFE-RUINING DOG-SCENTED LOWLIFE SNUFF-ABUSING…..CHEESE EATING SURRENDER MONKEY HE REALLY IS!"
Silence reigned for another second, except for a soft "thump". The bishop had fainted at the ex-con's use of coarse language.
However, in a crowd so large, silence cannot last. In a minute, the babble resumed.
But when Cosette next looked around, she could not for the life of her locate her husband….
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Another Hour Later
"ON THE ELEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
CLAQUESOUS HIDING IN THE BATHROOM
JOLY BEING WEIRD
FERRE IS A FERRET
THAT INNKEEPER GUY IS CREEPY
MARIUS BEING A GIRL
LOTS AND LOTS OF EGGNOG
BOSSUET LOSING……AGAIN
LOTS OF SHINY GLITTERY THINGS
EVERYONE LOVING MY SINGING
FEUILLY SEXING POLAND
AND ENJY AND R KISSING IN A….
The sound of the door opening and then closing with a "bang" silenced even Jehan. In the noiselessness that descended upon the room, he ventured a soft, hesitant "tree" but was silenced by a glare from Courfeyrac.
Standing just inside the door, snow dusting his coat and bright pink (wait….PINK! no, it wasn't a trick of the light, it really was pink….) scarf, was Marius Pontmercy. And beside him was, Cosette decided, the weirdest thing she had seen all evening. And that was saying something….
Tied up in a bright red ribbon was a tall man Cosette didn't think she knew. He wore a coat and boots and had long, brown hair pulled into a ponytail, as well as a craggy face, fierce eyes, and absolutely enormous sideburns. On his head, dusted with a light covering of snow, was a bright red ribbon bow.
Now Cosette knew the man. It was her father's relentless pursuer and personal demon, the one and only Inspector Javert.
Silence, as it tended to do in the Pontmercys' living room, didn't last. This time, it was Jean Valjean who broke it.
"Javert…" This time his voice was calm and level, with a threatening undertone. "For all my life there is something I have wished to say to you."
The fearsome man (admittedly, his ferocious appearance was negated by the bright red bow still resting on his head) narrowed his eyes at the ex-con. "Speak, 24601, but I cannot guarantee that I will listen."
"Javert, you are….. A DAMN PREJUDICED LIFE-RUINING DOG-SCENTED LOWLIFE SNUFF-ABUSING…..CHEESE EATING SURRENDER MONKEY!" (Apparently, he wasn't very good at coming up with insults) "AND YOU STINK MORE THAN JEHAN'S SINGING!"
"Oh, BURNED!" yelled Gavroche. The bishop fainted again. Jehan burst into tears, though it was debatable whether it was due to the insult or the fact that he couldn't come up with the twelfth and final verse for his song.
"The same to you, 24601," replied the tied-up man in an icy tone. Apparently, Javert was no better at coming up with insults than his enemy.
Suddenly, something incredibly unexpected happened. (And no, it wasn't Santa Claus, as much as some of those present wished it was). Jean Valjean stalked up to his mortal enemy, the man who had pursued him for most of his life with the intent of locking him in jail or killing him, the one human being on the face of the planet that he could say he truly hated…..
….and kissed him full on the lips. And didn't stop kissing him for a full five minutes.
And after the second minute, Javert began kissing him back.
Cosette (as well as everyone else, except Azelma, who was still chasing after the cat,) stood stock-still with her mouth agape. Even Grantaire and Enjolras stopped kissing for a minute to watch the mortal enemies simultaneously realize the true reason for the years-long pursuit.
The silence lasted a record-breaking seven minutes and forty-two seconds before the two men broke away from their kiss to smile at each other in a singularly awkward manner.
"I thought I hated you….but I think I love you," admitted Javert in what could almost be considered a shy voice.
"Yeah….same…." whispered Valjean reverently.
And then Marius, girl that he was, burst into tears. "I LOVE YOU, COSETTE!" he exclaimed.
Smiling slightly at her husband's over-enthusiastic display, she nonetheless went over and wrapped her arms around his waist. "I love you too, Marius. Merry Christmas."
A huge grin split his face as he buried it in her hair. "Merry Christmas, Cosette."
For a moment, the room was filled with declarations of love and wishes of holiday greetings. For a moment, there was almost a sense of….normalcy.
Until, that is….
"ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
JEAN AND JAVVIE MAKING OUT
CLAQUESOUS HIDING IN THE BATHROOM
JOLY BEING WEIRD
FERRE IS A FERRET
THAT INNKEEPER GUY IS CREEPY
MARIUS BEING A GIRL
LOTS AND LOTS OF EGGNOG
BOSSUET LOSING……AGAIN
LOTS OF SHINY GLITTERY THINGS
EVERYONE LOVING MY SINGING
FEUILLY SEXING POLAND
AND ENJY AND R KISSING IN A….
TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"
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A/N: Happy Holidays, everyone!