Fear and Loathing: A life in Turmoil
Alex/Olivia
I don't own anything
Olivia POV:
I hate that it hurts. That I feel anything at all is a sign of weakness in me. I hate myself. Those words are so plain and simple but they convey such an utter self-loathing that is makes me sick. Inevitably everyone around me will leave me because I am fucked up. She will leave me because she deserves to be happy, and by pushing her away, I am really saving her.
In the end, I will be utterly alone because I deserve to be. Why? Why do things have to inevitably end badly? What I am afraid of? I am afraid of the pain that comes from loving. If I love something I will eventually be hurt by it. Loving makes you weak. I love her but I do not deserve her.
I hear a key in my door, and cringe because I know it is her. I hate that she knows me well enough to know that I would not open the door if she knocked.
"Are you done with this self-loathing yet?" She asks nonchalantly.
Not more than an hour ago I broke up with her because I knew in the end I would hurt her or she would leave me. Yet here she is, standing in front of me, and looking at me with those blue eyes that could quite possibly melt my soul.
"Alex I just broke up with you. What the hell are you doing here?" I'm angry. Anger is an easier emotion to convey than love. Why is she here? Doesn't she know that I did this to save her, to protect her? All I care about is protecting her.
"I do not accept your proposition" Alex responds to my anger with a calm and oh so lawyer-like response.
"It is not something to bargain on Al. Can you please just leave?" I can feel my resolve slipping. She is staring straight into my eyes. She will not break her gaze on me.
"Olivia, do you love me?" I start talking, but she interrupts, as is her usual manner "yes, or no Liv"
"You know I do" I reply somehow conveying all that my heart has to offer in those simple words.
"Say it"
"I love you Al, more than I love myself"
"And that is precisely why I cannot accept your proposal for a break up"
I turn away from her stare, and say in quite possibly the smallest voice ever, "I'm just going to hurt you"
She walks up behind me and wraps her arms around me. "You are hurting me now. Don't you understand? I love you baby. You are worth loving. You make me happy. Please don't try and do this all by yourself. I need you, and I know you need me."
I slowly turn around in her embrace, and look at her. I really look at her. I study her face, her eyes, and her lips. I struggle for a few more moments internally, before all my defenses fall. I kiss her. Slowly, savoring ever texture and taste. She takes my hand and leads me to my bedroom.
I might not deserve to be loved, but she loves me in spite of myself. I swear to myself then and there that I will do anything in my power to never hurt her again.
I verbalize my last thoughts, "I promise never to hurt you, Alex."
I lay us down on my bed, and she says something unexpected, "You can't promise that Liv, and neither can I, but I can promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for every mistake I make. I can promise to kiss away every painful word I say, and put band-aids on every boo-boo I cause your heart. I can't promise I will never hurt you, but I can promise that I will always try not to. Love is work, and love is about loving one another despite all the stupid shit you do"
At her last words, I laugh a little. " All my stupid shit?"
"Yeah you broke up with me"
"Touché"
"I am sorry Al, I got scared. I would give anything to protect you. I would die for you."
"I know baby, I know"
We just hold each other. We hold on to one another, like if the other let go the world would stop spinning, and she started to hum a song.
"Whatcha humming babe?"
"Just this song that reminds me of you"
"What?"
She starts singing:
"it's not now or never
it's not black and it's not white
anything worth anything
takes more than a few days
and a long, long night
don't push so hard against the world
you can't do it all alone
and if you could, would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl,
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands
rest your head
you've got two pillows to choose from
and a queen size bed
hold out for the moon
don't expect connection anytime soon
feel the light caress your fingertips
you have just begun
the word has only left your lips
maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun
don't push so hard against the world, no, no
you can't do it all alone
and if you could, would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl,
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands
are your open hands
I kiss her lips again, and I say, "I don't want to do it all on my own" And for the first time in my life I actually meant those words. I am the one always saving people, but at that moment I needed her to save me.
"Thanks for saving me Alex"
Deb Talal: Big Strong Girl (I do not own)