Random strange idea I had. Long name at the end got me up to 1000 words.

Even though he had no lungs, the Sorting Hat managed to sigh dolefully. One must ask the first-years present at the time whether the sigh was actually audible or not; after all, you know, hats don't always express their emotions aloud.

Another year of students. The same old "GRYFFINDOR GRYFFINDOR GRYFFINDOR, PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU!" or "If you don't stick me in Slytherin, I'll sic my house elf on you!" The former were usually stuck in Hufflepuff for being so darn annoying and wimpy; the latter were always stuck in Slytherin. It wasn't that the Hat thought he should cater to the whims of spoiled, stuck-up purebloods; he just thought that they shouldn't infect the other students with prejudiced stupidity.

Yet it wasn't that bad. Each year, there were first-years who were particularly creative and brilliant, and as the Hat could read their thoughts, he was always delighted to find these people. Thinking over the knowledge he had gleaned from their minds, he would somehow manage to amuse himself for the year until the next sorting. This alone had kept him sane over the past thousand years.

Of course, sanity is fleeting. The Hat feared this possibility as he glanced around the room. There were no apparent geniuses in the room: some first-years twirled their hair; others smacked Drooble's Best-Blowing Gum, spreading blue bubbles throughout the room. Oh no...was that girl humming?

Professor McGonagall unrolled the parchment as the noise in the Great Hall died out. "Annily, Lorelei," the grim, bespectacled woman called.

To the horror of the Hat, the humming girl bounced towards him. She grinned at him before the professor placed him on her head. And so it began...he could hear her thoughts.

Hi, Mr. Sorting Hat! I'm Lori! Er, do you have another name I can call you? Mr. Sorting Hat sounds kind of awkward.

"No--" the hat attempted to answer, but the girl rambled on in her head.

Reminds me of when I was home schooled by my parents before coming here. I wanted to call my mum "Professor Mother", but she told me to shut up and get back to my algebra, or else I'd never pass arithmancy when I get to that. I told her I didn't want to take arithmancy. I want to take Muggle Studies and Runes instead. You know what mothers are like. "What can you do with Muggle Studies? Go into Muggle Relations or something? At least take subjects you can do something with!" So I told her that runes were very useful, since you could read them upside down and turn your enemies' ears into kumquats! I think it was then that she broke down and started crying. Mothers do cry a lot, don't they? Hey, have you ever had a vampire go through Hogwarts?

Speaking of crying, the Hat felt like doing so. "No, we haven't. They usually get bitten after they leave school anyway. Er, why do you ask?" He realized too late that he should not have asked this.

Well, I was wondering what would happen if they cried. After all, they don't drink water. Does blood run out of their tear ducts instead? That would be interesting to see. I wonder if it gets boring, just drinking blood. Maybe different types of blood are like different types of drinks for us. Like AB would be firewhiskey--really strong. A would be butterbeer. B would be...I don't know, hot chocolate or something. Sugar high. And of course, O negative would be water. Hmm, I wonder what O positive would be, then. Water with a lemon slice on the edge of a glass? I can just see a few vampires walking into a blood bank. "Bartender, AB for all of us!" "Well, an O for me; I'm the designated apparater. Oh, what the hell, throw in the Rh factor and make it an O positive."

Do you think there are vampire animals? She plowed ahead without waiting for an answer. After all, why would there be a humanoid version and not an animal...oid...one? There's this Muggle book I read a few years ago called Bunnicula. It's a vampire bunny, but instead of sucking blood, it sucks juice from vegetables. Now, why would anyone want to do that? I mean, jeez, vegetables are gross! I hope they're not enforced in our cafeteria diet. As has been said quite often, that's not food! That's what food eats! Of course, I won't say no to some chocolate cake. My sister had the chocolatiest cake for her birthday last month. She invited all the fifth-year girls, and even some booooooys. There was this one she seemed to be pretty good "friends" with. Euan Abercrombie. Oh! Small world! There he is over there, in Gryffindor! Hey, that reminds me of a song I heard when I went on a trip two summers ago to Florida! Of course, I didn't catch all the lyrics then, but I liked it so much that I looked up the lyrics! "It's a world of laughter, a world of tears, it's a world of hopes, it's a world of fears, there's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware it's a small world after all! It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a--"

He could not take it anymore. Someone this evil had to belong in--"SLYTHERIN!" The girl pouted and hopped off the stool, handing him back to Professor McGonagall.

Lorelei. The German siren who sang sailors to their doom.

How extremely apt.

For the damage was done. The Hat stood--sat--uh...was located?--shaking as much as a hat possibly can. His mind was devoid of any true thought; all that remained was "IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL..."

But he had to continue.

"Thomas Andre Quentin Earl Marcellus Zeus Robert Cameron Christian Arturo Lobachevsky Azenin...the eighth..."