Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or anything of it.
~ * ~ Say… ~ *~
Careless. Clumsy. Crybaby. Poor schooler…
Say, when my teasing of you transformed into tenderness…?
Change I
Lights. Cars murmur behind thin window glass. Random faces.
I cannot take away my eyes off you, fearing to hear your quiet, soul-tearing and ineptly regretful "I am sorry". You don't even need to say it aloud – that "Sorry" glows brightly in your blue eyes. But you will say it all the same – gently, as if fearing to aggravate a barely healing wound; sympathetically, trying desperately to make no offence.
And your look… Sharp. Burning. Unbearably blue. Frightened and almost imploring. Your eyelashes flutter, and the depth of your eyes seems unfathomable; piercing and transparent. A vortex. A whirl that engulfs me easily.
…
What was I trying to do by saying that?
Only destroyed everything we had, everything we could have had… What a fool!
"I am sorry, Haruka-san. You know I love Mamoru, don't you?" Your voice is thin and tender – you obviously hate hurting my feelings.
Do you think I didn't know it? I just cannot hold it inside anymore.
It was stupid of me. I have no idea what's gotten into me. I've never intended to open my heart's secret for you.
…
But I saw you walking in the street. Alone.
With such long legs, despite your short height.
And slim figure, despite your scary passion for gluttony.
Wearing a reddish sundress, yellow leggings and a white top with a rabbit printed in the front.
What a crazy outfit.
You've got quite a… peculiar taste for your clothes, Odango. Only one thing always leaves me wondering – how come all those absurd incongruous things get to look on you so… lovely.
…
You would have passed by – not having recognized or even noticed me – but I didn't restrain myself, called you out.
…
Do you know how beautifully your eyes shimmer in the dim light of the café lamps? Amazingly blue.
Slightly surprised; I would even say guarded but to me they only look more adorable.
You probably do not know why you agreed to my offer to stop by here.
I myself have no idea why I made this offer in the first place.
I confess I only took an advantage of your foible, promising to indulge you with whatever you choose. I had never seen anyone with the eyes happier than yours at that moment. You even rejoice over so little, Koneko.
Do you know that I simply wanted to spend time with you alone?
Without Mamoru. Without Starlights and your girlfriends. Without even Michiru.
I guess it's just a weird day today. A day of Haruka's vulnerability. Of mine, that is.
Somehow I seem to indulge all my whimsies today. Peaceful life must have spoiled me a great deal.
…
"Odango…" I smile taking a sip of my tea and showing to the crown of your head with my eyes. Two golden balls.
You jerk your head up abruptly, most likely reacting to the nickname of yours but after realizing I was only talking about your hairstyle you smile shyly and touch your hair.
"It's just more convenient this way." It's almost as if you apologize.
…
You barely look me in the eyes today, avoid my look – and sit quietly, staring into your cup of coffee. Your milkshake melts in the high frosted glass beside you. Even the cake… you have hardly nibbled at it and now it lies there forlorn. What is going on with you, Koneko? You are not yourself.
I would like to help but I don't even know what happened. Never mind I have no idea how to start a heart-to-heart conversation.
If it were Rei in my place, you would probably have spilled everything right away. Or if it were Seiya… Even that blockhead contrived to win your trust somehow, even though you know each other next to no time. But when it comes to me… apparently, you still are rather wary of me. Or is it that my presence oppresses you so much?
Perhaps I shouldn't have invited you here. Look how cheerless you are now.
True, it was definitely not the best idea.
…
"Tastes bad?"
Yeah, great. Congratulations, Haruka, you are definitely an expert in putting a start to cordial talks. I wonder briefly if there were any remarks worse than this in my life. You know what, I seriously doubt there were.
"Eh?" It is as if you woke up from your thoughtfulness. You give me another empty smile and hurry to cram your mouth with a piece of cake. "Why, no, everyfing ish delifiouf."
What an enchanting girl. I let out a smile, barely repressing a laugh. Although, I don't actually feel like laughing now.
You always seem to hold everything inside, ne, Odango? Making everyone smile, you prefer dealing with your sadness alone. Am I not right?
Change II
Do I really ask for too much? I only want to love you! Though… who am I kidding, it had never truly mattered if I wanted it or not. When did it even depend on my will, to begin with?
If it did, I would have never wished for myself to go through this tumult. This is just too… painful.
It's not that I am not used to pain, you know that well – we have been through so much together. But this pain, it's different.
It turns my very soul inside out.
…
And jealousy…
I hardly behave in Mamoru's presence and am still ready to take down Seiya. It is unfair how easily he manages to do something I only dream of – to express feelings for you. Besides, he hangs around you a lot. Drives me wild.
Say, why tenderness transformed into sweet pain…?
…
"Ara, ain't you partial, Haruka?" Michiru is an expert of careful wording.
"Partial." Huh! I'm going to screw a head off of anyone who dare hurting this lovely being, now curled up and even more alarmed after my confession.
Why, why are you so cautious of me, Koneko?
…
I run my fingers through my hair. Darn, I hate this habit! It gives me away completely – it's clear at once I'm nervous.
Here, you noticed it too; I see you tense on your seat and sit up straighter.
I stretch my hand upwards, ask for the bill. You haven't eaten anything. Poor girl, it's all my fault. I shouldn't have called you here. And shouldn't have said anything, that is for sure.
…
"Er, you know what… I'm sorry. Forget what I said, okay? Let's pretend you never heard anything. Let everything remain just the way it was before", but in your eyes I see clearly that nothing will remain 'the way it was before'. Suddenly I feel an urge to crash down something. What a terrible fool I am! "I mean… seriously, forget it. I know my place."
Sitting there with you feels all of a sudden suffocating, unbearable. I wait until the bill is ready, pay hastily.
…
I drop a "I'll go outside for a moment", get out of the table and leave the café, reminding – almost ordering – myself to not run. Chilly air cools down my flaming cheeks, and the wind begins to ruffle my hair. You are about time, buddy, I really need to cool off.
My head seems heavy and noisy as if I drank.
Maybe I should have had, indeed. If I had, it would give me at least an ample excuse for my actions, for these untimely, unnecessary, unsuitable words.
Change III
Haruka-san is so beautiful. It's obvious that her heart is in a tumult.
Feverish blush – on her cheeks, her eyes sparkle – narrowed, almost as if they are angry yet burning with particular fire; her hands clench tightly; her hair disheveled.
Right now she could not remind less of that self-composed, almost indifferent and near to defiantly calm Haruka we all used to know. Restless soul… How much of it is there in her?
She got up from her seat, halted only for an instant – graceful, impetuous – and then darted off.
…
Yet, even like that, she is exceptionally beautiful. I am happy to have witnessed this side of her as well.
How come a girl like her could fall for me? "Fall for me"… Love me!
I would have never guessed that… she always disguises her feelings so artfully…
Could it be that it was only a joke of Haruka-san?
But no, otherwise she would not appear so shaken as if heavens fell on earth.
Change IV
A small hand seems very warm – it's only then that I realize how frozen I am – and unexpectedly strong – I cannot even move that hand of mine that you squeezed in yours.
"Haruka-san…"
Your voice sounds soft and gentle.
Too soft and gentle.
Damn it! Do you think I don't know what you are about to say to me now?
…
"If you", my words come out too harsh and rude, "are going to feed me with rubbish like 'I'm grateful to you, I love you all, and we will stay together for ever', you better give up this idea, I'll leave right away."
…
But to my surprise, you only shake your head, and a light blush adorns your cheeks. I notice the remnant of the cake's cream in the corner of your lips and, in spite of sharp pain in my chest, a hot wave of tenderness washes over me. A bitter smile. 'How untimely…'
"To me, you are special, Haruka-san", your tone is quiet yet firm. You've got a beautiful voice, Koneko. "It wouldn't work out for us – everything is too much complicated and tangled. But to me, you have always been and will always be a very special person."
…
'Oh my, Odango… you are as ever… And what am I supposed to do with this confession of yours…?'
…
A long stare in the evening sky. A hardly audible yet heavy sigh. Resignation.
Carefully, I draw my hand out of your grip and, slightly bowing my head, close this conversation by changing the topic of the talk.
"Want me to give you a lift?"
"Ah no, it's fine, I'll walk a little longer."
"As you wish."
…
Childishness. It had never been my style.
But for some reason, with you around, it doesn't happen any other way.
I walk to my car, open the door and halt there, not getting inside.
Even from my spot I can see your amazingly blue eyes. Pressing your clasped hands to your chest, you watch every little movement of mine attentively.
It seems I will make one more mistake right now. But I don't care anymore. Impulsiveness is catching. And today is just like this. No way I could retreat now.
"Odango!" I call out for you, and my voice is surprisingly clear, almost cheerful. In spite of everything, I feel a smile on my face.
Your eyes become two bottomless ponds.
"We've got plenty of time. Eternity lays ahead us. Someday we will make it for sure. And till then – I will wait for you!"
I jump into my car and speed off, wincing at the protesting screech of the tires. Let it look as a flight – so obvious maybe for the first time in my life. I don't want your answer. Don't want to hear you say "useless, impossible". I know it as it is. I know it perfectly well! But to hear it from you – no, I don't want it. Leave me hope. Let me… wait.
…
Had Haruka stayed an instant longer…
She would be greatly surprised. A soft blush glowed on Usagi's cheeks, and happiness kindled timidly in the deep blue of her eyes. For the first time during this evening the girl let out her genuine smile – radiant and lovely.
o- o -o
A/N: This is somewhat of an experiment. Playing with words. Hence crazy OOC, I think. I only wanted to write something torn, mosaic that would lay into one picture in the end. And also I wanted to take a step aside from my usual idyllic perception of the world, to play with emotions a little. Although, it seems to me that in the end I was drawn back to it anyway :) I can't be helped I guess…