Author: MIBbabe

A/N: this is my very first story. An AU story. Don't shoot me for how bad it is, please? I have no beta and apologise for any errors and such.

This story is built around a phrase I read in another fanfic story. I recommend you all to read it if you haven't already. The Title: Happily Ever After, Author: Silent Me found on pff7. You will find the phrase below.

Thank you, Silent Me for sharing your story and giving me inspiration to write this.

Lastly, I do not own these characters and am not making money. They belong to Janet Evanovich.

Enjoy! Or not.

Title: "When does the fire go out?"

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Ayn Rand.

I stop myself, once again, but not before beginning to say something. Sigh, how do I stop doing that? Then I resort to the redundant "nothing" or "it's fine" phrases. How do you stop saying what you are feeling or what is on my mind? It is so hard. Why is life so hard? Because it is meant to be, nothing is easy. That's what I am told.

"What did you say?"

"It's fine Joe", I look at him for a moment trying to read him then I walk away on the pretext of needing to do something but really it is to avoid saying more than Joe wants to hear and I deserve to say.

Why don't I deserve to say anything? Because I have been told by my therapist in couple sessions that the way I have treated Joe is selfish and hurtful, among other things. Subconsciously I have not remembered all that happened on this particular day at our session. Never will I forget the feeling of being ganged up on by Joe and my therapist, along with feeling intimidated, worthless, selfish and just basically beaten down and completely wrong. A very bad person. That was a few years ago now. I blew up after I said what I was feeling and thinking, which was that I thought Joe and I should separate just temporarily while we work out our individual problems. Then the hits came. I was told that I should suck it up considering all the shit I put Joe through over the years and he stayed with me being a bitch throughout including sleeping with Ranger.

It's true.

After that blow up I walked out broken and in tears, then half an hour later I rang the therapist and arranged for us to meet again with Joe. I broke down and apologised copiously for being so hurtful to Joe. I was a bitch once again and they forgave me or at least I think they did. Why do I still remember parts of that day? Sigh.

I go about things, Joe doesn't ask any more about what I was going to say, as usual. I am somewhat relieved because it means one less argument if I don't mention my feelings, thoughts or even ask for anything. But it also pains me. He doesn't want to know what is going with me. I am sure that I am too much trouble for Joe.

I gave up my job finally. I just couldn't take it anymore and if it saved arguing with Joe, saved us, then all better, right? I was told it was the right thing to do because of the way I was treated, not being paid consistently and the work I put into finding and capturing my skips was well more than I was paid to cover my legwork. It is true, I know that and it really bothered and upset me sometimes but I loved that job, really I did. Vinnie used me and it is true, he did. I didn't get paid enough and that is also true, I wasn't paid enough. I miss my work like crazy. Of course when I told people I was quitting I told them it is so I could focus on family and the baby that was on the way. I went back to work 5 weeks after our first son, 5 years old Jake was born. I was busy off my feet and yes I was stressed but I still enjoyed my work and mostly the only time I didn't was when Joe and I would argue about it or simply when I just had a bad day. A lot of the stress came from me worrying about what Joe would say, what we would argue about next. I stressed over money too and not having enough.

"Have you been paid yet, Steph?"

"Not yet"

"When will you be? This is bullshit; we need the money for bills".

"I don't know Joe. I know we need to pay bills".

The arguments always start the same then blow into a screaming match. I should have spoken to Vinnie about my pay arrangements but I always said it was OK when I was told about why my pay was late and there usually was always a reason. I know that's not right and I really hate confrontations particularly with my friends and Connie, although she handled the money in the business was also my dear friend. I didn't want to get into it with Connie.

When Jake was 3yrs old I decided I would do a degree in criminology, it would help with my job and open more opportunities later for me when I wanted to do less BEA work. It was ok for a while then that was strained also. I felt I couldn't ask Joe for some time at the library to study while he watched Jake. I could feel the tension. That he didn't want me to go but he didn't say anything. There would also be arguments about that also; eventually I stopped doing study around Joe, telling myself that I could do it when he wasn't home. Naturally, I fell behind and that added to my stress and anguish altitudes. We argued about late fees and me not doing enough essentially to finish and the cost of the course didn't help matters. Eventually I just let it slide and didn't go back. Joe has never once mentioned it. It is one less thing for us to argue about and one less thing for him to be despondent about from me. It breaks my heart that I haven't finished it. Jeez, I am such a screw up. I can't even manage study, work and looking after a family. I maybe a screw up but it made Joe happier didn't it? So, then it has to be better for us, right? After all he didn't want me to do it. Oh, he would never say it out loud, "I don't want you to study", but the little comments and remarks, hidden meanings in his words and actions screamed otherwise. It was passive aggressive and Joe is a master at it.

We discussed my work in regards to when our second boy was born. Joe said we would save day care fees if I didn't work, so that's what I did. Day care really is expensive. Don't get me wrong I loved spending 8 months home with our Anthony. I never got to do it with it Jake. Jake is not missing anything by me going straight back to work like a lot of the Burg believed he would. I term the Burg Bigoted Busy-Bodies or "the BBB".

Joe came home one day and said an educational representative and trainer was going to be at the day care centre and he arranged for me to meet with her.

"You should do child care, Steph"

"We won't have to worry about Anthony, he will be at day care while you work and Jake starts school this year anyway" Joe added.

I thought about it briefly, "ok" I said. Really, since giving up my work I didn't know what I wanted to do. I am feeling lost, very lost, so I agreed to it. I had nothing else to do and this is what Joe wanted me to do. Money has become a major issue again so I am working again not that I mind. I really enjoy working. I just miss the work I love.

Over the past two years or so I have tried and tried to open our lines of communication. Since my therapy sessions I have come to learn the value of communication, honesty and trust in a relationship. This is fundamental for me now in relationships. A relationship will not work without them. Yes, we talk. Joe will talk about gossip going around work, usually about someone else's life. It irritates me now and I don't appreciate listening to it.

Joe will ask, "Are you listening Steph?"

"I don't really want to know what is going on in some else's life unless It impacts on us or they ask for our advice/help. How would you feel Joe if someone spent their time talking about what was going in our private life?"

I don't think he ever really got it.

Finally, it was too much for me, "Joe you have no problem talking about everyone else's life but what about what is going on in our life?" I was pissed and I let him know.

Arranging to have a coffee outside of home was my starting place for working on our communication. I thought a date would be too much straight up and I was also trying to avoid another argument about spending money unnecessarily, that we could not afford to. Meeting for a coffee, we would be away from the distractions at home and forced to sit opposite each other and talk. I initially asked for once a fortnight. Joe said we could not afford that so I negotiated for once a month. Well that didn't work. Joe said he could not get away from work. When I asked about doing it in his lunch hour, his very reluctant reply of "might be able to do it", told me he didn't want to do that either and when I asked him to let me know what day works for him better he never got back to me or mentioned it again. I tried not to let it get to me but I am sure Joe knows that I was not happy about it. Maybe Joe really is that unaware. As usual, he wouldn't want to have coffee with me when I was angry. Sigh.

That was one of my attempts. When my other attempts of talking and opening up to each other face to face did not work I tried connecting through text messaging via the phone. Joe never checks email so the phone it was and any communicative connection is better than none right? Rarely were my text responded to. I really am too much for Joe, Fuck I am so messed up he doesn't even want to deal with them through texting. Realising that maybe my texts were too touchy feely for him, I focused on being flirty in text messages. I was a novice but I gave it a go. It was a big thing for me because I am so self-conscious about my body and sexuality. I guess I really sucked at sexting. No avail there either. Often, I didn't even get a response but when I asked if he received any texts from me he said his phone wasn't working properly. That's got to be true? I guess I just don't know how to flirt. I know I am not beautiful, pretty bland really and fat. So there should be no need to be surprised by Joe's lack of reactions, right? Then why does it hurt so much? I am weak.

Since my therapy I have been absolutely honest in our relationship except for the one time when I didn't tell him I was using money to buy a surprise birthday gift of a Men's Health magazine subscription for him. We have argued over honesty or dishonesty in our relationship. I guess he has the right to lie to me because of times I have lied to him in the distant past even if I have completely turned myself around for the last few years. Sigh. I guess I deserve it.

Would one count my keeping myself held within being dishonest? I am not convincing myself. I even yelled this at Joe in one our arguments to no response. Surprise! Sometimes I think so, that keeping me within is dishonest to us, but I am the one with the problems so I have to deal with it. It is not Joe's liability, correct? So why should he need to know or care? He has told me numerous times that I need to restart my therapy sessions. I am digging my heels in on that. Not because I don't want to, I know firsthand the benefits of therapy. I am not sure why, I feel like I am silently screaming out something to Joe. But what?

Joe ignores me a lot when I speak, that sends me from 0 to pissed in 2 seconds flat. Then he won't talk to me at all because I am so pissed.

"I am not talking to you when you are like this". Usually, he mumbles something else as he turns his back on me and walks away. Probably what a bitch I am.

Jeez, why am I so fucked up? Jake does the same thing now and although I try so hard to see the five year old, my vision blurs to Joe and all the times he has treated me the same. Sigh, god I suck as a mother too.

What I hate is that I am mostly not pissed when I start talking... until he ignores me, arrogantly sometimes even. Then there is Ranger. He wants to know what is going on with me, what's swirling around in my head. It is like all the information he gets about me he files away in the Stephanie file and he uses it to build his knowledge on who Stephanie is, what makes Stephanie who she is. Ranger takes time to listen and think about what I am saying if he doesn't understand where my thinking is at after some thought he asks me. He even appears to be interested in me and what I am talking about. I would even go as far to say Ranger is genuinely interested. Ranger sees my bad traits and my good ones. And even when I blow up and behave poorly I still get a "babe".

Joe doesn't call me "Cupcake" anymore. I guess I am just not anymore.

Joe and I have another one of our blow-ups. I am not doing enough around the house; I am not helping him enough. It is true, I know that. I just hate my life sometimes and trying to live it with Joe that I do others things to escape my unhappiness, mainly a lot of reading and eating. Joe has told me to stop fucking reading and do more work around the house. And he is right. My life sucks, I can't even look after a household.

After this blow up, I send Joe a text.

"Now you told me what I do wrong I can fix it. You won't have to worry about seeing a messy house again, ok?" Text message one.

"Do me a favour please and don't message me again unless it concerns Jake or Anthony only? It's easier this way and I will return the favour by not bothering you with messages and emails from me unless it concerns the boys only. Thanks." Texts message two.

"And if you think I was angry in those messages I am not, just resigned to nothingness." Last text message. I am trying really hard to keep my word. Joe doesn't need or want to have to deal with me and my crap. God, why am I so difficult?

Joes been sending me a lot of messages recently, asking for sexual favours. I ignore some and reply to some. Never being committal to them. Why? I am trying to stick to my word and also because I have no sexual drive. Sigh. God I really am a disappointing wife and partner. Truthfully though, I have been doing lots of reading about sex, trying to improve our sex life because I have been so difficult regarding our sex life for years. My therapist told "I have to just do it. Even though I feel uncomfortable, it will get better and that I have been treating Joe wrongly for not giving him sex." She said she was "surprised that he stuck around for as long as he has." It's true; it has been on off sex for 10 years. God, I am pathetic. Anyway, with all the reading I have been doing and yes I have been reading romance novels for ideas too. Totally cliché and lame I guess. I have been trying different things in bed, hoping that I would be a better partner in bed. I don't know if it is working or if Joe likes it or not because he rarely says anything to me. Sometimes, when I am doing something in bed I think I am not doing it right because I can't seem to get any reaction out of him. I don't think he likes what I do sometimes, I have tried to ask if he likes something and I simply get an "it's good" or "yeah, ok". Sigh. I just don't know. What am I doing wrong when he can't reach orgasm when I am going down on him? I even started sending emails of sexual scenes in books to Joe, why? It was my way of gently saying I would like to try this or I would like you to try this with me. God, I am an idiot. Why was I sending these? Recently, I realised he doesn't satisfy me in bed as much. Did all the reading have me recognize something? I don't know. What I do know, is that I sometimes can get frustrated as hell that he can't find my clit.

But I can't say anything because as my therapist said I have to "suck it up". It's the least I can do after everything I put Joe through and I don't want to displease him because if I do he says something to intentionally upset me.

I am not comfortable with Joe going down on me either anymore. One day he told me I was "smelly". It cut me to the core. I was humiliated and shamed. So not only am I fat, I am smelly. For a while after he said that I wouldn't let him touch me unless I had a shower. Then after sex I would rush to the bathroom to shower myself clean so I didn't smell. Its takes everything I have not to run to the shower after sex now and I still doesn't let him touch me down there until I have showered. I try so hard to not let things run around my mind during sex and to relax and enjoy it. Sigh. I can't even do that. This is how inane I am, after he said I was smelly, I went to the bathroom and touched myself, smelt myself on my fingers and tasted myself, even breathed the scent of my underwear and honestly I couldn't smell any difference to my usual scent. For a long time this scent was me. Does that mean I have been smelly all along? And he didn't say anything until recently? God.

Well, I have to do my part to make things better between us and I feel I have tried. I gave up my job that caused us to fight so often. I dropped out of schooling to relieve the tension and give him more time. I go to bed when he says, even though I really do have a couple of hours of house work to do. But I do it because he wants me to. I got another job after money became a big issue but that was not without its arguments. I was offered two jobs after he told me I had to find work. He was all for it, me working two jobs. I have no issue finding work but when I did he was upset because he didn't know how we were going to manage the kids around his job and my two part time jobs. I cried. I wanted him to tell me what he wanted from me, I found a job, two jobs even and he was happy, then he wasn't. I let one job go after our argument. He hasn't mentioned the second job again. So I guess I did the correct thing although he is still not happy with the small amount of money I bring in now at my one part time job. I have tried to improve sex and at one point if he asked I gave but for a few weeks now my sex drive is expired. I am not sure how to get it back. Once again I fail in the bedroom. I have to try harder. Suck it up Steph. I avoid talking about what's on my mind or about my feelings so not to bother him. Not that I have to worry about it too much because he never wants to know anyway. I am pretty sure he prefers it that way, so that's an improvement, right? I also try my hardest not to ask for anything for myself. I always get an aggressive or hostile response from him if I do. Though he never outwardly says he doesn't want to do it. Each and every time I ask from him for anything I am left feeling like I have just abused his goodwill and kindness and I am not worthy of such things. Clearly I see it is the last thing Joe wants to do. Joes tone is immediately negative with hostility or aggression. What else can I do? I am not sure but I feel like I haven't done enough. I will keep working but I just don't know what else to do. Sigh.

If I am doing all of this to improve our marriage and relationship why do I feel like my inner "spark" is slowly distinguishing? I am "not-quite" finished improving myself to be a better wife, partner and person. I am "not-yet" adequate in the bedroom because I have no libido and I smell. This is "not-at-all" to blame on Joe, it is all me. Right? Yet, why do I feel like I have let my "soul perish in lonely frustration for the life"? This is the "life you deserved" because of my bitchiness past in regards to my treatment of Joe. What "road" am I supposed to be on? Is the "nature" of my "battle" to survive and improve myself for my marriage and Joe my partner? Am I winning the "world you desired"?

Well one thing is apparent in life... "It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Or is it? After you have done what you have done in life maybe life is not yours but is changed to making up for all your depravity from past to the ones you love. Your redemption.

How long does it take for the "fire to go out"?

The End.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Ayn Rand