What could you do when you didn't understand something? How could you cope when not everyone was focused on you?

This is our perfect piece of forever. My husband, Edward, is incredibly beautiful. He has beautifully sculpted abs, a gorgeous set of eyebrows, and gleaming topaz eyes to go with his sparkling skin. He's a vampire. I'm also a vampire, ever since he got rid of my stupid humanity (seriously, what is the deal with that? Eating, sleeping, pooping-ugh. Vampires are so much better). It involved him using his teeth to give me a caesarian section so my half-vampire daughter, Renesmee, who was beating me up from the uterus could be born. So romantic.

Speaking of Renesmee, my best friend, Jacob, has been in love with her since she was born. Literally since she was born. See, werewolves (like you didn't know) have this thing called imprinting, where they see the love of their life once and instinctively know "that's the one." Before child services gets involved, I need to clarify something. Renesmee grows at a really fast pace, so by the time she's seven she'll really be eighteen, physically and mentally! It works so well, and now Jacob will stop force-kissing me.

So right now my Edward is out hunting. We need to subsist on animal blood and all so we don't kill humans, because we're vegetarians and morally superior to the other vampires who go after humans. Renesmee is reading a book on human anatomy. No idea why she's dog-eared the pages on reproduction. I don't know where Jacob is… whatever, he's probably chilling with his pack.

I'm going to go see if I can find Edward. He's been out hunting for a while now. Maybe he's bringing me back a mountain lion. It's like take-out, but really fresh take-out. That's weird… he doesn't usually knock down the forest, but it's especially weird with the trees going every which way. I wonder if he found a whole herd or something. Well, I'm hungry, so I'm not complaining. My eyes are kind of reddish—I look like I have pink-eye. Ew. Maybe it's just the lighting, because they're really almost black, like empty puddles of pain and suffering. Whatever. But I didn't think mountain lions had orange fur…

Is something roaring? I swear I hear roaring, or maybe barking. Like there's a difference. Renesmee's heard it too, it seems, and the anatomy book has been tossed to the side. She looks up at me with her chocolate brown eyes ("but why chocolate? Why not poop?" she once asked me), and then looks away, as if she's hiding something, or knows something I don't. But because I read the classics and am smart, that can't be the case. So I'm just going to ignore her as she goes into her room and locks the door. Is she crying? I didn't think she had tear ducts. Weird.

I'm going to go see if Edward needs help. I'm really good at hunting. I'm really good at hunting in heels and a cocktail dress, especially after I gave birth. Which I haven't done recently, you know, but Renesmee was a difficult pregnancy. There's no way that Edward could need my help really, because he's so perfect and stoic and godlike, but I'm a woman and emotional and weak. Clearly. But if Edward's hunting, then why is he not back by now? He's never been out this long, he always wants to be with me. Usually he takes me too, except on those camping trips with Emmett. Okay, that's it, there's one to many knocked down trees for my taste- not unless I'm the one making them happen, if you know what I mean.

After I've donned my sparkliest party dress and highest heels, I'm ready to go. Now I'm in the woods, or what's left of them, looking for my beloved. He's so beautiful, I'm afraid I'll cry when I see him. I hear more crashing, so I'm going to check it out. I hope I find him.

Oh, there's Jacob! I didn't know he could grunt like that. He's also shirtless, which is his natural state and therefore no surprise, but I do wonder about his lack of pants. Oh well, who cares? I found Edward! YAY! I sparkle in delight upon glancing upon his beauteous visage.

He's also shirtless, which is hot. He's sparkling, of course. His pants have seemingly been kidnapped. This is strange, but I think nothing of it because he is so beautifully stunning when he's shirtless. And pantless. He's also lying underneath Jacob. Maybe they're wrestling? Without clothes? I guess there's less friction that way. Or maybe they're fighting over me again. Awww. Without clothes, which is also for my benefit, I'm sure. Now they're staring at me.

"AH! Ohshitohshitohshitohshit, Bella…" Jacob yells, grabbing Edward's beautiful butt. That's odd. Maybe they're finally friends. Dogs do that, right?

"Bella!" Edward shouts in a manly sexy way, while sparkling. "You were supposed to be out shopping with Alice, or rubbing the fact that you have a kid in Rosalie's face. Or something. Whatever the hell you do that isn't reading Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet and think that they're romances. Jesus."

He thinks I'm as good as Jesus! "Oh, Edward, I love you so much!"

Jacob is looking kind of awkward. Maybe he realized how he was interrupting our exchange of true love. Edward sighs, and then tells me to look away. I don't really know why, and I don't care, so I do as he tells me. Because he's so gorgeous, and I want his image engrained in my mind forever. I'm working on keeping it there. My mind doesn't do well with remembering things. Oh well. There's Edward to do it for me. He loves me and that will never change. Our love is eternal. Our love is forever.

Edward sighs, mumbles something along the lines of "oh sexy dog, you sexy dog you, I'll see you tomorrow at our time, right here." Jacob growls in what seems to be assent, rubbing up against my husband. That's odd. Men have such weird ways of bonding. Then he transforms, Edward slaps his butt, and with a brief glance at me bounds off to god knows where.

"Oh, Edward, we're finally alone!" I cry, ready to tear off my cocktail dress. But what's this? Edward is unhappy, as evidenced by his frown! Impossible! He must be disturbed by something else. Perhaps we should knock down some trees to make him feel better.

"Isabella… you know what? I do have something to tell you. I suppose I owe you the truth. Well…" he looks at me, then cuts himself off.

"What? What's the truth? Is the truth that you want me and I'm your exact brand of heroin and we should have forest-breaking sex now?"

"You know what Bella? Yeah. Yeah, that's it. And I'm saying this with a straight face, right? Like, a heterosexual face?"

"Yep."

He's so perfect, isn't he?