Damaged Expectations
Written Pre-Season 2
So I thought about it! & I came up with a lot of what ifs.
What if Caleb was living back with his foster parents?
What if Caleb did find where his mother was only in a different location?
Would he be happy to find her?
Would it be everything he hoped it would be or would it take a turn for the worst.
P. S - I adore Hanna & Caleb to bits so in my imagination they've got over their trust issues and are a happy couple once again.
Damaged Expectations
The street was covered with crispy leaves, the paths, the gutters even the drains. Tree branches had become brittle as Fall had come to pass.
Scooping ice cream from her cup Hanna toyed with it in her mouth.
" God this is so good..." Enjoying its flavor. " Its been such a long time since I've had chocolate ice cream...or ice cream in general for that matter ".
As they turned the corner toward his foster home Caleb offered Hanna a spoonful of his own Butterscotch Vanilla ice cream.
" Come on just try this one...its only a small spoonful...it wont hurt you " he held it in front of her.
" Says the cat in the hat " She smirked. Caleb stood still & waited.
Hanna stopped on the path and looked back at him pushing the spoon toward her mouth. She rolled her eyes, giving in she opened her mouth and took in the sweet tasting ice cream.
Caleb waited for her response, when she rolled her eyes and moaned he knew she liked what he had.
" I'm going to be so bloated after this..." She continued along the pathway through another pile of crispy leaves.
" Don't you just want to run through that pile of leaves and kick them into the air " She looked at the next pile in front of them.
" Then why don't we? " He looked at her then back to the pile of leaves.
Hanna hesitated, she waited for someone to come rushing out of their home & scold them for making such a mess.
Caleb gave his cup of ice cream to Hanna and walked over grabbing a huge pile of leaves. Lifting them above his head he walked toward her.
She looked up at him then at the leaves threatening to fall, biting her bottom lip he smiled and threw them into the air above them.
They stood on the path as the leaves fell around them, Caleb watched her face light up with happiness. He reached for her waist pulling her to him placing a soft kiss upon her lips.
She pulled back & slapped his chest.
" You are so corny sometimes..." She continued walking. Looking over her shoulder she grinned & scrunched her nose.
" But you know I love it ".
Caleb wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they continued walking back to his house. Stopping at the gate a few minutes later Caleb tilted his head toward the house.
" I should go in before he comes home...God forbid there's a crumb on the floor in this hole of a house." He attempted to smile.
" I wish you didn't have to stay here...I liked kissing you at the bottom of the stairs before bed, and having you one door away...plus walking in on you whilst you were showering was just... " She laughed twisting her body side to side too embarrassed to say the exact words.
" Its better this way...in some sick and twisted way. Just until I can find my Mom then I know everything will change ".
Caleb turned his head to where a letter was sticking out of the mail box, reaching for it he looked at the stamp mark and seen it was from Arizona. He ripped it open, eager to see what it was, Hanna looked at him & wondered what was so urgent.
He quickly unfolded the letter & breezed through the words. Half way down the page he finally saw the words he'd been searching for the better half of a decade, he handed the letter to Hanna with a look of hope in his eyes.
Hanna read down the page then looked back at him with the hugest smile. Caleb's friend in Arizona had found his mother.
His mother. The woman who gave birth to him. His only connection to a proper family.
Actual Family.
" Caleb..." She whispered." They found...your mother."
Caleb walked back out the gate and sat on the curb. Hanna joined him but questioned the cleanliness of the gutter, it wasn't exactly a great neighbourhood but anyone who bathed meticulously had reason to hesitate.
He kept staring at the words " We found your mother. "
Hanna touched his shoulder and looked at his face, she could see he was relieved but at the same time his lips were shaking. He never thought they'd ever find her. He thought she'd be gone in the wind, never be found or never get to know her son.
" What are you...I mean, are you going to go to Chicago and see her?" She asked.
" I uh-I don't know...I mean I want to I just...I don't know what I'd say...Hey Mom missed me? Ready to start where we left off?". He joked.
Hanna didn't know how to respond, she was completely loss for words.
" I thought I'd never find her, I've always felt like I was chasing a ghost like she didn't want to be found...maybe she didn't want me back. As bad as it sounds I always thought maybe I was her biggest regret " He said looking back at her resting her chin on his shoulder.
" Caleb...you deserve to know why she left you...you need this. You've chased this her for long enough ".
Caleb nodded, swallowed the lump in his throat. His voice broke, aching with vulnerability.
" Come with me please...I need you...I need you to come with me ". He didn't need to convince her much, she turned her face to his and kissed his lips.
It was all the confirmation he needed.
Two weeks later...
Throwing their bags into the back of her mothers car Hanna closed the trunk and called out to Caleb.
" You ready? ". She waited for him to come outside.
Caleb locked the door behind him and walked down the front steps to where Hanna was waiting for him. He stopped at the curb looking left to right, letting out a deep breath.
" You sure we're going to be back in time? I don't want you to get into trouble with your Mom ". He looked at Hanna, his hands tucked into the front pockets of his black jeans.
" Trust me Caleb...she wont be back until late Sunday night, pamper weekends go the entire weekend day & night " She laughed sidestepping his technique.
Caleb felt sick to his stomach ever since they decided to take this trip, all those years of searching for his mother had come to a halt. He knew where she was, knew his mothers name, and place of work.
It was the most he'd ever known about her.
His stomach twist and turned all afternoon, feelings of hope were now turning into fear. What if she wasn't as he'd imagined her? What if she didn't want to know him? All those years ago leaving him on his aunt's porch as she drove away, Was that the best mother she could be?...Was she the kind of person who had children because they were irresponsible or was there another reason why she abandoned him?
Hanna grabbed Caleb's hand squeezing it lightly.
" Come on Caleb...we better start driving now if we want to get there by tomorrow."
Sitting inside the car Caleb looked out the window at his current home, it never felt like it was a home, just a place to stay until he finished school.
He'd only ever felt attached to one home...hers.
They were the only family he really ever thought he had a chance at keeping, but he made the choice once she chose to forgive him for his lies and mistrust that he would not return to their home fearing he'd wound up homeless every time he and Hanna fought. He would separate himself from their gorgeous home but keep them in his life, it was the one positive thing he had.
Hours into the drive Caleb hadn't said much, even as the glare from the afternoon sun shone through their windows Hanna could still see his eyes through his sunglasses.
He kept his knuckles pressed to his lips for the most part only moving them to answer her questions and even then, he was somewhere else.
" Caleb...I said do we need to stop for a bathroom break or you're still good? "
Caleb turned her way and pulled his glasses up to rest in his hair.
" No...I'm good just keep driving " He replied.
" Caleb you don't have to keep it bottled up you know...its only me here, you look worried or freaked out. Your face is as pale as a ghost " She said watching the road ahead of her.
Caleb pushed his head back into the head rest and turned to face her, he knew he'd been quiet. He smiled at her, she always had a way of reading people and figuring out what was going through their minds.
" I'm going to find my Mom...My. Mom " He repeated. " I don't think I've ever used that sentence before. Its kind of hitting me that after nearly a decade I'm going to finally meet her ". He pulled his leg up toward his chest, resting his chin on his knee.
" That's a good thing right...I mean finding and meeting your mom " Hanna asked.
" Yeah...I think so...I just..never...I thought I would " He paused. Hanna made sure there was no oncoming traffic when she turned her head & looked at him.
" Do you remember what she looks like?". Caleb sat up clearing his throat, he wasn't expecting that, honestly he hadn't really thought about what she looked like. It had been too long since he remembered anything.
His aunt did the best she could for seven years but time wore her down, her body became fragile unable to care for her nephew whom she'd come to love as her own. He was never a wild child, she made sure he knew his manners & to respect your elders, work hard and reap the benefits.
Caleb was twelve when she passed away, he didn't really understand why she died, or why another person was leaving him behind. Moving across the country side with a variety of families had an affect on him though. He wasnt the same child who entered the foster system. He'd became self efficient, learning quickly to only depend on himself and not others, for they too shall leave one day and what was the point of caring for these people when his life would not make a significant impact on theirs.
The further across the country he moved, the more disconnected he became and the more he disappeared into the background. Calvin here...Calen there...Caleb now. Somewhere along the way he knew he lost his identity, in a way his mother left with his identity and his aunt took the last piece he had with her too.
With no fatherly figure to guide him in his way Caleb became a stranger to most, disappearing for days at a time, sleeping on park benches and bus stations with his belongings crammed into two back packs he held onto them as they were the most precious items in the world.
He would never let anything happen to that one card. It was his ticket to a new life, or an old life he should have had. The only thing he can remember was being given a kiss on the cheek by his mother as she whispered into his ear " I'll be back soon baby ".
" No. I don't remember a thing." He replied, turning his head back out to the dusty tainted sky. Hanna began to worry, he wasn't ready for this. Under all that cool calm demeanor he was still a young boy searching for his innocence, trying to find the one real thing he had to connect to the world other...then her of course.
It was well after one in the morning when fatigue hit Hanna, her eyes fell heavy, her body relaxed. She knew if they didn't stop soon they would wind up on the morning news wrapped around a pole or be involved in a head on vehicular accident.
Hanna turned off at the next rest stop, reaching into the back of the car she pulled their blanket and pillows out. Caleb insisted Hanna lay across the back seat whilst he pulled his seat forward and lowered his seat down. It was cramped but it beat paying for a motel or not waking up at all, Hanna fell asleep almost immediately whilst Caleb laid watching her for a while longer.
He drew lazy circles in the palm of her hand, a small whimper was all he could hear, he really did enjoy these private moments with her. Laying beside her watching her, looking at her dainty nose, her soft glossy lips, skin like porcelain, scanning his eyes over her body. He loved the fact Hanna still had curves like a real woman, he didn't see her past when he looked at her body he only seen her for who she was in the moment. She loved him for the damaged young man he was & always saw the good in him.
He weaved his fingers with hers, her soft skin sweet & intoxicating. Watching over her as she slept peacefully Caleb fell into a slumber. Early next morning the sun crept over the front of the car, burning her eyes.
She pulled up the blanket and tried going back to sleep; when a truck driving past repeatedly blared his horn Hanna shot up in her seat.
" Alright I'm up! " She yelled to no one. Caleb shot up and looked around, when he too saw nothing he frowned at Hanna.
" Just...don't okay I needed sleep and I didn't get it. I'm warning you in advanced I may get a little crabby today! " She stated.
Caleb didn't say anything he just looked at the time pulling his seat back up he got out of the car. Stretching his body he looked to the other side of the car where Hanna was getting holding the blanket around her.
" Do you want me to... " He started to ask before she walked in the other direction.
" No! I think I can manage peeing on my own " She snapped pulling the blanket even tighter around her body.
Boy was he going to tread lightly today.
An hour later they were back on the road, only a few hours from their destination. Hanna began seeing that twitch in him again, the bouncing of his knee, knuckles pressed to his lips, staring at the long road ahead & the biting of his lip which on most days she found it to be absolutely sexy, today though it was a concern.
Neither one of them had said anything, she needed her coffee fix and he needed to either be there already or turn around and go home. It was late in the morning when they arrived outside her work. Four times Caleb attempted to reach for the door but every time he tried he pulled his hand away.
" Caleb...if you're not ready we can just turn around and go home...I'll support what ever you chose " she said grabbing his hand.
This was it. He was here. She was here. And he wasn't going home until he got what he came here for. Or at least until Hanna pushed him through the doors. Either way he was going to meet his mother.
Stepping out of the car Hanna checked her make up in the side mirror of the car making sure she looked as good as possible even though it was her moment she wanted to leave a good impression.
Walking around to his side of the car she opened the door and held her hand out to him.
" Come on...take my hand. We'll do this together " she waited.
Caleb stepped out of the car facing the diner straightening his clothes. She wrapped her arms around his waist and poked her head out from behind him kissing his neck.
" We're going to be fine Caleb...we're in this together. Now come on I need my coffee". She dragged him toward his mothers place of work.
When they walked inside Caleb looked at the first, second, third and fourth person inside and wondered " Is she the one? ".
Sliding into the nearest booth they watched as a brown haired woman came over to their table dressed in a snug yellow dress with white sneakers. When she spoke Caleb hadn't heard a word she said, instead he was staring at her.
Hanna kicked him under the table bringing him back down to reality.
" Hey! She asked what do you want? I'm so starving I could eat a horse! " She glared at him. Caleb shook his head & ordered bacon & eggs with a coffee as did Hanna.
" Ok sweet peas... let me get that for you." She tore off the order from her book and walked toward the kitchen.
Hanna looked back at Caleb & leant over the table whispered as low as she could.
" Way to be inconspicuous, she must have thought you were retarded or something...Pull yourself together gees " She leant back.
" I'm sorry but they don't have name tags, so its a bit hard to just grab their arm and ask are you my mom!? " He defended his actions.
Hanna sympathized with him, his mind must be going a mile a minute not knowing which woman was his mother. After an agonizing ten minutes the woman bought Caleb & Hanna their breakfast, as per usual before Hanna even had time to bite into her first slice of toast Caleb had ninety percent of his meal finished.
Hanna took her sweet time biting her toast and slicing into her eggs. Caleb sipped on his scorching hot coffee & Hanna wondered if he even had any taste buds left. Looking over at him she seen that nervous twitch, he began drumming a beat to the edge of the table.
" Do you have to do that? " She looked at him annoyed she couldn't enjoy her breakfast in peace. Although she wasn't usually a breakfast person she needed nourishment to keep her energy levels up.
" I cant help it. I cant just sit here and play a guessing game " He said. He stopped drumming but within seconds he'd begun bouncing his knee, Hanna rolled her eyes and continued eating her breakfast.
Fifteen minutes later he had enough of waiting, he stood throwing money on the table including a tip.
" This was a stupid idea...I don't know what I was thinking " He said changing his mind. He started to rush out the door when Hanna called out his name.
" Caleb wait! ". The second the words fell from her mouth so did the coffee pot from his mothers hand, splashing all over her feet as it hit the floor. Hanna turned to the noise of breaking glass and looked at his mother. Her jaw dropped, frozen on the spot, she knew there was a reason why this boy was acting odd.
" Did you say Caleb? " The woman asked her from across the diner.
" Uh...No...I mean yes " She stammered.
Caleb was almost to the car when he turned back to see Hanna was still inside the diner. He walked back to the diner, yanking the door open he reached for her hand to pull her outside. When the woman spotted him her hands covered her mouth, tears welled in her eyes, her body shaking.
" Caleb..." She whispered.
Caleb froze on the spot looking at Hanna and then back to the woman crying in front of him.
" Mom? " the words fell from his lips, he stared at the woman in front of him. When she took one step toward him Caleb took a step back, she paused. His heart was pounding in his chest, a sick feeling built inside him, he couldn't breathe but yet he couldn't move.
Eleven Years...It had been eleven years since he saw her last.
Then it all came flooding back, reliving the memory all over again.
His mother pulled his jacket tightly across his chest shielding his small body from the cool wind, pushing his hair from his eyes she gave him a kiss on his cheek and forehead as her tears fell from her eyes.
" Mommy, where you going?..." He asked. " I want to come too Mommy...please take me with you " He pleaded.
" I'll be back soon Caleb I'm just going to the store." He watched her walk down the front stairs, never once did her eyes leave his, she waved to him as she got into her small blue car and pulled out of the driveway.
His Aunt reached out for him but Caleb was too strong, too determined. He ran from the porch, down the stairs to where his mother was pulling away.
" Mommy wait! please don't leave me! I promise I'll be good! " He cried.
His Aunt finally caught him in the driveway, grabbing him by the arm she picked him up & carried him back through the gates. He struggled against her kicking & screaming until he was free, wriggling free from her hands he ran out onto the street with tears in his eyes and screamed.
" Mommy! Don't leave me! ". It broke his Aunt's heart to see a little boy idolise his mother the way he did, and to witness her leaving him so cruelly.
Even though his mother didn't tell him where she was going, somehow Caleb knew this was goodbye. He would watch people endlessly & predict their next move. He knew his mother was leaving him when she packed his bags and cried the entire way to his aunt's home.
His Aunt scooped up a distraught Caleb and carried him back inside her home. Caleb kicked and screamed, it had always been just he & his mother. Running to the the front door he tried escaping. His Aunt picked him back up again & held him in her arms even though he resisted her comfort for the next hour.
" Mommy!" For hours on end Caleb cried, his face red & puffy. No matter what his Aunt tried nothing settled him that day. When his body grew tired from the constant flow of tears Caleb curled his body into a ball on the sofa, looking out the window for when his mother would return...but she never did.
Hanna touched Caleb's hand and gave it a light squeeze.
" Caleb..." She whispered into his ear. " Say something...she's talking to you."
" She left me..." He said under his breath. " She drove me to my Aunt's and left me there. Alone. I remember it now ". He turned and looked at Hanna, her eyes welled up the second she saw the hurt in his eyes.
" I screamed and screamed for her to take me with her but she didn't. she just left me there. Who does that...to their own kid? ". Caleb looked over at his mother.
" You have to understand Caleb...I wasn't right to care for you..." She pleaded.
" You. Left. Me! " He yelled, suddenly Caleb resented her. He didn't care he was making a scene inside the diner, he could care less all eyes were on him. He built this great expectation that when he found his mother they could rebuild their lives.
He never anticipated feeling like this, the pain from that day. He wanted her to know how much she hurt him.
" Caleb please..." She asked for forgiveness.
Caleb started walking back until his back hit the wooden door. When Hanna stepped toward him he grabbed her hand tightly dragging her behind him. Hs mother came rushing out behind them and called out.
" Caleb please stop! Let me explain! ".
Caleb stopped at the car, when she walked toward him she could see his chest rising and falling. Caleb had worked himself up good and proper.
" What is there to explain?...Huh? " He waved his hand into the air. " You left me all alone and you didn't come back. Do you know how that feels? To be left all alone. I had no one! " He yelled at her.
" I'm sorry Caleb...I will always be sorry for what I did to you." She cried.
Caleb shook his head and paced back and forth beside the car kicking the dirt under his boots, he didn't know what to say anymore. He knew he wasn't happy to have found her, he now wished he never did. What she did for her own selfish reasons he could not understand.
He was just a little kid.
She had a responsibility to her son, to herself but failed the both of them. As a result Caleb endured a trauma no child should ever have to go through. She would never know the emotional & psychological abuse he suffered.
She took his innocence with her the day she left.
Hanna looked at Caleb, he was emotional. She'd never seen him this worked up.
" It was a mistake coming here to find you... I should have left you in the past where you left me " He said angrily.
" I guess I deserved that " She took a step closer toward him.
" You don't know half the things I've done just to get here..." He pointed to the ground. " And for what? " He looked at his mother. She managed to creep close enough to him, holding out her arms to him, Caleb shook his head and his eyes welled up.
" Caleb...let it out " She said softly like any other mother would have.
" You...left...abandoned me. I was just a kid. I was five years old. I will never ever forget that " Caleb bit down on his bottom lip and closed his eyes trying to stop the tears from falling.
" I know..." She whispered.
He felt his mother's arm wrap around his body, slowly pulling him toward her.
She didn't say anything she just held him just like she did the day she walked away, holding him like there was no tomorrow, almost as if this was the last time she would see him.
Tears began falling from Hanna's eyes, she watched Caleb slowly wrap his arms around his mother pulling her to him he held her tight. They cried on each other's shoulders.
She whispered into his ear that she was sorry but happy now he found her. Caleb pulled his tenth birthday card from his bag and showed it to his mother, she started crying all over again.
" It was the best thing I ever got. I was so happy to get that card." She smiled for a second and wiped her tears with the back of her hand, almost forgetting she sent him this card. She had to wonder if she hadn't sent this card to him, would he still be searching for her.
" Hey we've got customers in here! Remember!" Her boss stuck his head out the door bellowing out to her.
" Be right there Hank " She called out over her shoulder.
She gave the birthday card back to him, and hugged him one more time.
" Are you going to hang around or do you have to get back to..." She asked hoping he would wait around for her.
" No...we have to get back " But before he could say where they were from Hanna called out over the roof of the car.
" We can wait until your shift is over. Its not a big deal ".
Caleb looked at Hanna giving her a small smile, he knew she had put her allowance, and her freedom on the line for the sake of he & his mother. His mother started walking backwards with a smile on her face.
" Ok. Well I better get back to work. I cant wait until this shift is over so we can talk ".
When she stepped back inside Caleb walked around the car to where Hanna stood pinning her against the car. He cupped his hands around her face his fingers laced through her long golden locks. Closing his eyes his mouth covered hers kissing her softly, he pulled back opening his eyes.
" Thank you for everything. I couldn't have done this without you " He kissed the end of her nose.
Wiping the edge of her eyes with the back of her index finger Hanna looked back to him.
" Its our secret. I'll keep it between you and me ".
From inside the diner his mother watched them. She watched him walk around the car and kiss her. So much love poured into that kiss. She remembered the way his father used to look at her before the pressure became too much. She could only hope her son would be happy as they once were.
By the looks of things, he was well on his way to being that & more...