I really, honestly, have no idea what brought this on.
This is some dark shit, you guys.
Darren, if you happen to read this, ever: I'm very sorry in advance.
When Kurt Hummel stumbles into his life, Blaine tells himself not to worry. Kurt is a troubled case and he needs help, but he won't get close because that's just not possible after all this time and Blaine tells himself that he's got nothing to worry about, keeps telling himself that when Kurt calls him up on the phone, crying too hard for Blaine to hear words but not nearly hard enough to fail guessing. And when Blaine presses the send button and fires away courage he doesn't have, he asks himself 'just what the hell are you doing?' but the voice in his head tells him it's nothing – it's charity – it's necessary – and Blaine believes because when has he ever been smarter than this?
Kurt's a nice distraction somehow. His innocence is just tainted the slightest and it reminds Blaine of the boy he used to be, a long time ago (of course everything's different now) and it's all kinds of delicious to try and fix someone like Kurt (someone like him), because people like Kurt usually fall the fastest, lose the quickest and break the easiest, and Blaine just loves, loves to fix people like Kurt, whose life and heart and fire is still not fully twisted and poisoned and completely ruined by now.
It's nice to be so in control, to hit notes that high, to have an audience like that, to have people assure him he's still alive and breathing. The music fires through his veins and god, why can't life be like this; always? Why must this song last three minutes, why not a lifetime? Blaine is able to let go when he sings like this and when he sees the world like this. Once in awhile, he thinks he can feel something real when they're all watching him like he's a god and he pretends, pretends to be just that for three heavenly minutes until his eyes no longer see it and heart once again turns heavy.
Blaine has several ways of letting go, one of them is music. Playing music is like putting all the good things and the bad things in a song and then everything just turns into a big mess of good and bad things and it's all right. So when Kurt Hummel transfers to Dalton, Blaine tells himself that music will have to do this month, just music. Because that's what Kurt will understand and it's all about Kurt, god it's all about Kurt.
It doesn't stay with just music after his father visits and talks and disapproves and looks at Blaine the wrong way, because there's so much Blaine can handle but not this, just not this, and so he ends up in a bathtub with a brand new purchased razorblade pressed deliciously against his skin and he's muttering 'faggot faggot faggot' while he plays the violin across his arm because that's all he knows. And two hours later, when the water has turned cold and a light shade of pink, all Blaine can think of is the peace and quiet and how absolutely stunning the world can sometimes be.
He sees David on his way out and they greet each other, pleasantly and David knows exactly what he's been doing, but it makes no difference because David simply doesn't care. Dalton is filled with perfectly covered up filth like this and they both know that as long as Blaine doesn't leave blood on the carpet and as long as David doesn't leave coke on the coffee table, there is no problem. There is no problem. Every student is aware of this unspoken rule, apart from Kurt. Kurt hasn't seen anything yet and when Blaine kisses him for the first time, he really really wonders how much messier this can get.
Kurt, of course, faces the real Dalton soon enough, because everyone is bursting at the seams and when the lights go out on a Friday night and turn back on, there is no stopping and all hell bursts loose just like that. Blaine is drinking whatever it is and it's so good and he's too far gone to actually try and cover up reality like he always does every second of his godforsaken life and so he raises his glass and widens his smile and tells a horrified Kurt: "Welcome to Dalton." And everyone around him howls and laughs and in his haze Blaine can just see Kurt regret ever coming here but he just can't seem to care now that he's able to lose control for the third time this month and yes, he's so close to not feeling anything at all.
Hours later, Blaine is in so much pain that he can't move but it's exactly what he wants and yet it's not enough. He knocks on Kurt's door with heartfelt apologies and regrets and bloodstains on his sleeve but the door doesn't open and Blaine laughs so loudly he can't feel anything and he cries so beautifully he can't think about anything but the fact that he's once again chased someone away.
Oh, he has so much promise but there's nothing and yet there's so much left to break.
Blaine apologizes to Kurt after they perform at a charity event and Kurt doesn't look at him and Blaine feels the shame and disgust bubble under his skin. For the first time, Kurt seems to be like the rest – disapproving, waiting to break all he's built with a snap of his fingers or a punch to the ribs or a baseball bat to the legs because that's what they all do. Blaine apologizes for the mess, for the mess he is, the mess they all are and then he says something that scares Kurt. "You shouldn't stay here," Blaine says and it comes out so painfully real and cold, "You're safer at McKinley, Kurt. I'm serious," he really is. "We'll ruin you." And it's not even the warning, the threat that scares Kurt (scares them both, really) it's the fact that this whole thing has finally gotten a name. Because instead of 'they', Blaine says 'we' and now he finally knows what he's apart of and where he belongs.
Kurt leaves the next day and Blaine has never been more relieved in his life, because people like Kurt fall fast, lose quickly and break easily and Blaine's whole world may just be a mess and a waste, but at least he knows Kurt isn't falling or losing or breaking today. Not today.
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