CATS on Jerry Springer
Yes I realize this is unoriginal, I just felt like it okay!
The camera pans over and excited audience full of extremely fat women and trailer trash. Jerry enters; crowd chants.
Jerry: Okay we have a great show for you today, featuring Jellicles that all live in the same neighborhood! Our first guest is a tom who likes to call himself, Rum Tum Tugger!
Tugger: struts out with paws in the air making goofy faces, winks at some queens in the audience
Queens in the audience: are unimpressed
Tugger: looks miffed
Jerry: Hello and welcome to you Tugger, why are you here today?
Tugger: Well I used to be the real tom about the Junkyard if you know what I mean, a real ladies cat. Lately though all the queens have been chasing after my best friend, and he doesn't even encourage them! He actually tries to get them to stop!
Jerry: So you're upset with your friend?
Tugger: Well yeah a little. Cripes, if you go from top tom to nobody gives a damn if you shave your head and turn gay then you've kinda got a right to be sorta….
Jerry: Crestfallen?
Tugger: Yeah! Crestferlling!
Jerry: Well ladies I think you should prepare yourself for Tuggers' best friend: Mistoffelees!
Misto: walks down with grace and dignity
Queens: screech
Misto: glances at them and smiles shyly
Queens: swoon
Jerry: Hi there Mistoffelees.
Misto: shakes his hand and bows curtly
Jerry: First time I've had someone with manners on this show…Ahem, now Mistoffelees do you know why you're here?
Misto: No, actually I don't. Looks nervously from Tugger to Jerry I've only seen this show once, this isn't about Vici, is it, Tugger?
Tugger: grinds teeth Nope, not Vici in particular.
Misto: is now really worried Who then? …My mother?
Tugger: MISTO!
Misto: breaths sigh of relief
Jerry: Mistoffelees. I'll tell you why you're here; you're here because Tugger feels that you've taken all the attention.
Misto: Attention…? I'm afraid I don't-
Jerry: Female attention.
Misto: Excuse me?
Tugger: Dude all the queens were falling all over me and now, nothing, man I couldn't get laid if I felt like it!
Misto: Tugger, uh, all the kittens were falling all over you… pauses trying to be gentle The queens rather think you're…
Queen in audience: A brainless, spineless goon?
Misto: Well no, I'm sure they don't think that.
Tugger: Misto, what are you saying to me buddy?
Misto: Uh, the kittens have… well they've grown up Tugger.
Crowd cheers Misto
Tugger: are you saying only the kittens could like me? I'm the Rum Tum frickin Tugger Misto! I am a sex GOD!
Misto: Tugger I'm sure that's true-
Tugger: Don't believe me huh magic boy? Starts to get up
Misto: raising paws in front of face for protection, I believe you Tugger! I believe you!
Jerry: Well Tugger what do you want to say to Misto?
Tugger: Man you are taking all the chicks!
Misto: eyes widen What?
Tugger: Queens, kittens if it's female and feline it's hanging onto your tail drooling itself silly!
Misto: eyes become wider WHAT?
Tugger: Every queen that comes falls for you and falls HARD. You're a desirable sex object and the queens are going ape-shit for you!
Misto: …No, uh…No.
Tugger: Queens of the audience tell the guy!
Queens: scream out vulgar comments, someone flashes camera
Misto: blushes and averts eyes
Jerry: Tugger has requested a special guest or two, so come on out mystery guest number one!
Victoria: Walks in and waves to audience
Toms in audience: whistle
Misto: (notoriously polite) stands to greet Vici, glares menacingly at toms in the audience
Toms: gulp, shut up
Misto: smiles Hello sweet. Takes Vici's paws, kisses her cheek briefly
Vici: smirks at queens in audience
Jerry: So Victoria, you are Mistoffelees' …checks queue-card…life-mate?
Vici: That's right.
Queens in audience: scowl at Victoria
Jerry: Tugger, why did you ask Victoria to come on the show?
Tugger: To tell Misto that what I'm saying is true.
Jerry: Victoria?
Vici: Misto, Tug's right, I have to beat them off with a stick when you're not looking.
Misto: stares at her Really? She nods I thought was just a baby-faced runt…
Vici: smirks, looks at queens Runt: is one thing you are not hun.
Misto: blushes severely Vici!
Vici: I can't really blame them though; you're hot stuff.
Misto: VICI!
Jerry: Do we need our other mystery guests Tugger?
Tugger: Damn straight!
Electra: walks in making freaky faces and pumping paws in the air HIYA!
Audience: sighs heavily
Electra: struts up to Misto in a crowning achievement of female Tuggerness Hi voice has dropped an octave, leans down and captures Misto's head, smooches him passionately
Misto: zaps her SWEET BAST GET OFF ME!!!!!
Electra: Well don't be touchy about it. Grumble
Tugger: is staring at Electra in disbelief Dude…
Vici: glaring at Electra in pure outrage How dare you.
Electra: indifferent It's nothing that hasn't happened before whitey, right Misto sweety-poo?
Misto: Regards her in utter disgust
Vici: NOW YOU DIE! Stands and raises chair over her head
Electra: EEP! Makes mad dash for the door
Misto: Presto!
All the doors lock
Misto: whistles innocently
Vici: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Electra: HELP!
Tugger: laughing hysterically Good one buddy!
Misto: shakes head I can't it's too cruel. Presto!
Electra is suddenly inside a protective steel cage.
Vici: smashes chair into a zillion pieces on the cage I'll GET you my UGLY and your little tail too!
Jerry: I think the original intentions of this show have been lost.
Misto: glancing warily at Vici It may be preferable to forsake the effort and cut your losses.
Jerry: Nah, I'm used to it; it makes for good t.v.
Misto: stares at him This is good TV? Sticks out tongue as though ill Ugh.
Tugger: Well I feel gypped, this is supposed to be about ME.
Misto: Oh sod off Tugger.
IS THIS THE END? YOU DECIDE! REPLY, REPLY!!!!!!