THE PRIYA ENGAGEMENT

ACT II

SCENE: The hallway of the luxury hotel in India. PENNY, PRIYA, SHELDON, RAJ, HOWARD, LEONARD, and AMY are all staring at one another. RAJ is wrapped in his tablecloth while HOWARD has two pillows pressed around his waist.

HOWARD: (To RAJ) What the hell are you doing naked in my room?!

RAJ: It's not my fault! My parents made me!

HOWARD: (Incredulous) Your parents made you get naked and come into my room?

RAJ: No, I was already naked from the lobby. (Pauses) I didn't know you wouldn't be wearing any pants and trying to touch my bottom!

HOWARD: The lights were out! I thought you were Bernadette when I came out of the shower!

RAJ: (Frowns) How could you think that? I'm not blonde!

SHELDON: Enough of that. I want to know why Penny and Priya were both in my room dressed like harlots!

(Pause. LEONARD takes a look at both PENNY and PRIYA in lingerie.)

LEONARD: Oh, boy. (Takes a deep breath from his inhaler.)

PRIYA: (To Sheldon) We didn't know it was your room, Sheldon.

LEONARD: I told you we shouldn't have switched rooms!

AMY: Wait a second. If you switched rooms, then Leonard didn't just come in here by mistake and see me standing on my head at the foot of the bed? Because I'm not wearing any underwear under this nightgown!

LEONARD: (Winces) No.

SHELDON: But that doesn't explain what Priya and Penny were doing in MY room!

PRIYA: Actually, it does. (Turns to PENNY) But it doesn't explain what Penny is doing here at my wedding. (Cold voice.) Hello, Penny. I didn't recognize you out of your waitress uniform.

AMY: (Breaking in) She didn't recognize you because you're not wearing any pants! (To PENNY) Got your back, Bestie.

PENNY: (Tight lipped) Thanks. (Turns to PRIYA, her voice equally dismissive) Nice to see you, too, Priya.

PRIYA: What brings you all the way to India? Are there Cheesecake Factories here in New Delhi now?

PENNY: No. I just figured I should be here. (Pauses for effect.) You never know when some desperate slut is going to try and stick her meat hooks into your man at her wedding.

RAJ: (Angry) My sister is not a slut! (Looks at PRIYA and PENNY) Although, given the way both of you are dressed right now, I don't think I can really defend either of you from that charge.

(MR. and MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI enter.)

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: What is going on here?

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: Yes, we heard the screaming and shouting all the way down the hallway! (To RAJ) Rajesh, why are you still naked and standing next to your half-naked Jewish boyfriend Howard?

HOWARD: I'm not his boyfriend! I have a wife named Bernadette who is here now! (Turns to LEONARD) Tell them!

LEONARD: (Smirks) I don't know what you're talking about. You guys make a cute couple.

HOWARD: (Furious) Tell them I'm married!

LEONARD: (Shakes his head) It's time to tell the truth, Howard.

HOWARD: (Steps toward him and hisses) Why are you doing this to me?

LEONARD: (Thinks) I really don't know. Oh, wait. I remember now! (Snaps HOWARD's photo with his cell phone. Checks image.) Oh, the tenure review committee is SO going to love this!

(MEENA enters the hallway. She stops immediately at the scene in front of her and notices PRIYA in lingerie and RAJ wrapped in his tablecloth next to HOWARD.)

MEENA: Oh, my. This is going to beat all of the other stories I have heard!

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: Enough of this! Priya, why are you standing there next to that other woman dressed like a street walker?

PRIYA: (Takes a deep breath.) Okay, Mommy? Daddy? I have something to tell you. (Pauses) I came down here because I wanted to have one last fling with Leonard before marrying Sanjit.

MR. and MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: What?!

PRIYA: It's true. (Looks at both parents) You pushed me into an arranged marriage with a man I hardly know. I got scared, and I wanted to experience what I had with Leonard one more time before spending my life with someone else.

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: I knew it was a mistake to let them go to America! She has shamed our family and our son has taken a boyfriend!

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: Now, now. We shouldn't judge her too harshly. Women often do crazy things before they get married.

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: (Thinks carefully. Turns to her) What are you saying?!

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: (Turns red) We can talk about it later. (Turns back to PRIYA) Priya? Rajesh? Come along. We have some things we need to discuss.

RAJ: Okay. (Begins to walk up hall with parents)

PRIYA: Mommy? Daddy? I'd like to stay behind for a moment so I can apologize to Leonard and his friends.

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: Okay. But don't take very long. You have already caused enough trouble for several lifetimes!

PRIYA: (After he leaves) And in India, that's not really a joke. (Turns to group) Sheldon, I will start with you. I am sorry if I frightened you.

SHELDON: Well, jumping out from behind that curtain and shouting, "Your queen of flexibility is here!" was rather scary. (Pauses) But at least you're not a snake worshipper trying to loop a rope around my neck to strangle me in my sleep.

PRIYA: (Unsure) Okay, I'm not sure what that means but I'm going to let that one go. (Turns to AMY) Amy, I am sorry for letting myself into your boyfriend's room. It was not my intention to see him naked.

AMY: (Incredulous) You saw him naked?!

HOWARD: (Shrugs) Everybody's seen everyone naked tonight. I saw Raj, he saw me, Leonard saw you, Priya saw Sheldon –

PRIYA: Enough! (Turns to PENNY) Penny, I was wrong to try and come between you and Leonard. When we were dating in America, it was always obvious that he was more in love with you than with me. (Sighs) I guess I just wanted to win one small victory before marrying a man I hardly know. (Turns to LEONARD) Leonard, I did not always treat you right while we were dating. I took many of the things about you for granted. I even cheated on you. If I could go back and change that, I would. If I hurt you, I am very sorry. (Turns to group) And now, here we are, and I have embarrassed myself in front of all of you and brought shame to my family. (Presses hands together.) I am truly sorry for any pain I have caused. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go and face my parents. (Starts to leave)

LEONARD: Wait a second. What did you mean by take for granted?

PRIYA: (Sighs) Let's just say not many Indian men are kings of foreplay! (Exits)

AMY: (Breathlessly watches Priya exit) Wow. Even in defeat she is classy!

LEONARD: (Turns to face SHELDON and HOWARD. Beams) Well, what do you know? I'm still the king of foreplay!

PENNY: (Glaring at him) Simmer down there, your majesty!

(BERNADETTE arrives. She is tugging four enormous suitcases behind her and is out of breath.)

BERNADETTE: I just ran into Priya in the hallway. Why is she walking through the hotel wearing lingerie? (Looks at PENNY) Why is Penny out here in lingerie? (Looks at HOWARD) And why is my HOWIE out here naked wearing pillows? (Pauses. Shouts in Howard's mother's voice) What kind of mishigas is this?

AMY: (Trying to calm her.) It's a long story, Bernadette.

PENNY: Yes. It's pretty complicated. Let's get you into your room and we'll explain it to you.

(AMY and PENNY take BERNADETTE into HOWARD's room. The door closes. Then it opens and a pair of trousers are thrown into the hallway.)

PENNY: And put some clothes on, naked boy!

SHELDON: At some point before this trip is over someone is going to have to explain this entire episode to me.

LEONARD: (Picks up trousers and hands them to HOWARD, who struggles to accept them while still holding his pillows) Sheldon, can this wait until morning? I'm pretty tired.

SHELDON: Fine. But I suggest all of you check behind your curtains tonight before going to sleep! (Closes door)

HOWARD: (To LEONARD) So, Leonard? You had two women trying to get into your bed and compete for your affections! That's pretty impressive!

LEONARD: (Pauses) You're not getting the picture I just took, Howard.

(Scene dissolves to exterior shot of airplane flying over the Pacific. Fade to interior of plane. LEONARD is sitting next to PENNY. She has her arm looped around his and is resting her head on his shoulder.)

LEONARD: I feel terrible.

PENNY: (Looks up at him) Why?

LEONARD: Well, we pretty much ruined everything for everyone. Priya had to call the wedding off after what happened, Raj's parents were embarrassed in front of all their friends and family. And Mrs. Koothrappali may or may not be talking to Mr. Koothrappali about an affair she may or may not have had the night before they got married, Raj was walking around the hotel naked –

PENNY: Actually, that last one was funny.

LEONARD: (Pauses. Nods) Okay, yeah. That one was. But being tackled by the female security guard probably isn't going to help his issues with women. (Pauses) But I mean, the whole thing was a disaster. The Koothrappalis will probably never forgive us or even speak to us again. Raj is going to have to sort all this out with his family IF they even let him stay in the States. It's just one big mess!

PENNY: (Thinks. Rubs his shoulder) Well, I think there's another way to look at it.

LEONARD: Really? How?

PENNY: Well, you could take the girlfriend's perspective.

LEONARD: What's that?

PENNY: Well, from my perspective, my boyfriend's ex tried to drive a wedge between us and then threw herself at him, but he not only stayed faithful but she got revenge because he traveled around the world to disrupt her wedding. And he got to take his girlfriend with him to see it all happen. AND now he's traveling back with her on his arm! (Looks around) And we even got upgraded to first class!

LEONARD: You can thank Sheldon for that.

PENNY: Oh, he got us upgraded?

LEONARD: (Shakes head) No, he hacked into the flight registration Web site.

PENNY: That was still nice of him.

LEONARD: Not really. They put him on the no-fly list after his flight over. If he didn't hack into the system, we'd all still be stuck back in India.

PENNY: (Snuggles) Well, I still think we have a lot to be thankful for.

LEONARD: (Thinks. Sighs.) I hear what you're saying, but I still think you're kind of oversimplifying things in your version.

PENNY: (Sighs) Leonard, it's not always about the facts. Sometimes it's just about what the woman wants!

LEONARD: (Ponders) That still sounds like a fact to me…

PENNY: Then maybe you should accept it!

LEONARD: (Smiles) Okay!

PENNY: And when a girl's boyfriend sticks up for her, he deserves to be rewarded.

LEONARD: Okay. (Pauses) How?

PENNY: He gets to be initiated.

LEONARD: (Quizzical) Initiated into what?

PENNY: Well, if they're in first class on an airplane, he gets to join the Mile High Club! (Takes his hand) Come with me!

(Cut to: The airplane bathroom stalls. There are three located in a row. Each has a RED light indicating occupancy.)

LEONARD: Oh, man! They're all occupied!

PENNY: This doesn't make sense. The other two were open when we came in, but this one's been occupied since right after we took off! (Bangs on door. LEONARD cringes) Hey, in there!

(The door opens and AMY staggers out. Her long brown hair is frazzled and she is out of breath.)

AMY: (Looking at PENNY and LEONARD) Oh, sorry. (Gulps) I was just – (Reaches into bathroom and pulls an electrical cord out of the wall socket) – brushing my…teeth…

LEONARD: (Confused) For half an hour?

AMY: (Nods) Yep. Had to spend some…time…on…some of those…sensitive spots! (Stands erect. Brushes back her hair.) And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pretend to smoke a cigarette like one of my research monkeys. (Moves off)

LEONARD: (To PENNY) Shall we try a different stall?

PENNY: I think we should.

(They move to the next bathroom. The door opens. HOWARD and BERNADETTE exit. HOWARD's Beatle haircut is tussled, and BERNADETTE's hair is all but standing straight up. Both are panting and smiling.)

HOWARD: Be careful in there! It gets pretty crazy when there's turbulence!

LEONARD: But we haven't hit any turbulence!

BERNADETTE: (Smiles) Oh, yes we have! (They move off)

LEONARD: (To PENNY) Should we try the third stall?

PENNY: Yeah. I think that ought to exhaust our quota of airborne freak shows!

(They move to the third stall. PENNY knocks on the door but it opens by mistake. SHELDON is standing there. He is wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist and is covered in soapy foam. He is vigorously scrubbing himself.)

SHELDON: Excuse me! This bathroom is being used for preventive decontamination! (Closes door. RED light comes on.)

LEONARD: (Pauses. Turns to PENNY) I'm thinking we give up on this for now. What do you say?

PENNY: I'm thinking next time we take our own flight!

LEONARD: Agreed!

(End)

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