Christmas Past, Christmas Present
Year 1
It was the shrill ringing of the phone, which I never answered, that woke me up. I was finally asleep, really asleep, and the stupid phone just had to ring. Figured. No rest for the weary, or broken hearted. For the first time, well ever, I picked up the phone. His voice broke out through the line, and pulled me from my half-asleep state.
"Katniss it's me, Peeta."
"I know," I told him. "You always choose the worst times to call. I was actually asleep. You're going to pay for waking me up. This better be good."
"I need you." Silence. "I mean I need your help."
"Oh," I sighed with relief, "With what?"
"Just come down the bakery, you'll see. Goodbye, Katniss." The line went dead, and monotone buzzing overtook my ears. I clunked the phone down on the receiver, grabbed my coat, and jogged out the door. It was just starting to snow, and the ground was covered in its powdery white. Today was the holiday I had been hearing everyone talk about, Christmas. It was a tradition before the Dark Days, and President Paylor was bringing it back. I kind of liked the idea of something to celebrate that didn't involve sending kids to their death. Prim would have liked this holiday. All the cakes, cookies, and lights, I wished I could share it with her, but she was gone. My heart stung. The pain was getting better, less frequent, but it did not hurt any less when it came.
I was just about at the bakery that was decorated in white lights with a tree in the all glass window. Peeta had opened it only two months before. He had gotten back on his feet so much quicker than I had, and he had been so much worse off too. I wondered how he did it. I was still trying to pick up my broken pieces, but bit-by-bit I was coming together again.
Jingle bells went off when I opened the door. The place was buzzing with people, who were picking up cakes, and cookies and all sorts of other treats. Peeta stopped by every night for dinner, and to relax with me. He told me how swamped he was but I hadn't expected it to be like this. I had to sift through the people to get to the back door, which lead into the kitchen. My arm was stopped as it reached for the swinging door that I knew a frazzled Peeta stood behind.
"You can't go back there," a young boy no more than fifteen said to me in his best boss-like voice.
"I'm here to see, Peeta."
He crossed his arms, and stood up straight. I was still taller than him. "He's busy right now."
"I'm Katniss," I told him. His eyes widened, he uncrossed his arms, and he pushed open the door for me.
"Oh, I'm-I'm sorry Miss Everdeen I didn't know," he scrambled.
"It's fine," I calmed him, "It's fine. Thanks for holding the door."
"Of course. Of course," he smiled sweetly. I managed a smile back, and then tiptoed into the quiet kitchen. There he was, totally covered in flour, and swishing a rolling pin back and forth about a mile a minute.
"Katniss!" he called out, his voice thick with happiness.
"Hi," I said, and watched him, and he wiped his forehead, imparting the flour on his hand to his face. I blushed, and smiled.
"What?" he asked almost worried.
I walked over to him, and brushed his forehead off. Then my hand drifted down to his cheek, and brushed over his lips. "You had some flour," I said.
He chuckled. "Oh, sorry."
I shrugged. "It was kinda cute. I like the apron by the way."
He smiled. "Me too." It was embroidered with his name in sunset orange, his favorite color; the same color that also happened to be the color of the bakery's insignia.
"So why'd you need me here?"
"Taste tester," he told me.
"Let me get this straight, you called me all frantic and told me to rush over here so that I could be your taste tester?"
"More or less."
I rolled me eyes. "You are quite the piece of work, Peeta Mellark."
"If you don't quit your complaining, I'll give you a real job to do," he stated, holding back a smile.
"Throwing around those kind of threats is no joke," I scolded then hopped on the wooden table so that I was sitting in front of him, just a bit above his eye level. "So what can I taste first?"
"I'm making a vanilla peppermint pastry for Christmas. It's going to be kind of like a cream puff, except that the filling is going to be vanilla peppermint, hence the name."
"Sounds pretty good to me."
He grabbed a bowl, and tucked it under his arm. Then he came back
over to face me. He handed the bowl to me. "I need you to taste the filling and tell me what you think."
I had my finger in the bowl before he even had his last word out of his mouth. Then I raised my finger to my lips, and sucked off the frosting. "Oh man," I moaned, "I'm not really one for peppermint but this is so good." I dropped my head back, still tasting the filling on finger. "Yum."
I could tell his eyes were on me, but I was afraid to look. "So that's an astounding yes on the peppermint," I heard him say and then he ripped the bowl from my fingers.
"What's next?" I chirped. There were so many bowls set up with different fillings, chocolates, and frostings in them. All for me to taste. He brought them all to me. Each were decadent and mouth watering. He kept saying that there must be one I don't like, but that wasn't the case at all. I couldn't get enough of any of them. They were sweet, but not too much so, and they had the perfect texture that slid down your throat without any trouble. No wonder he was always so busy. Not only did he make these amazing goodies, but he also priced them so almost everyone could afford them. He was the talk of the town.
"Okay, this is the last bowl," he said approaching me carefully.
"What's in it?" I inquired.
"I'm not going to tell you. You're going to have to guess. I think this is going to be your favorite one though. Close your eyes," he commanded.
"I can't close my eyes because then I won't be able to see where the bowl is," I told him.
"Don't worry about it. Just close your eyes." I did as he said, and waited for something to come close to my mouth. I heard the bowl be placed on the counter and then his voice broke through the air, "Open your mouth." I did, and then the taste of blackberry and vanilla exploded on my taste buds. He was right. This was definitely my favorite. I vaguely remembered my father loving these, but how would Peeta know that? I moved my tongue around to get the rest of the goods, and that's when I realized that I wasn't eating off of a spoon, but Peeta's finger. I opened my eyes. He was biting his lip.
"It's good," I said once I was done tasting the savory crème.
"Just good?" he asked sheepishly.
"Really good." Then as if something came over me in a wave, I grabbed onto the sleeve of his shirt and pulled him over to me. I opened my legs so that he could fit between them.
"What are you doing Katniss?"
"Shh," I demanded, and then pressed my lips to his. He tasted like peppermint, and gingerbread. I looped my arms around his neck, and forced his body even closer to mine. We had kissed once or twice before but never like this. They had only been pecks. This kiss was so much more. I couldn't take my lips off him. I wanted him all over me. I wanted him to fill every pore of my body.
He moaned against my lips, and I deepened the kiss even more. He let his hands travel down the slope of hips. Then he lifted me up, and off of the table. My legs tightened around us as he pushed me against the refrigerator. Something fell. Neither of us cared. He held me like I was as light as a feather, and he started to overtake my mouth with his, letting his tongue venture over my bottom lip. His lips tasted better than all of the sweets I had tasted.
He was the first to pull away, and that was only because he had to put me down. His cheeks were flushed, and his lips were the color red of a candy cane. "Merry Christmas," he whispered in my ear. Then he slipped a small box into my hand.
"What is this?" I asked.
"Your gift."
"Gift?"
"It was tradition to give the people you loved gifts before, so I got you one," he had a boyish grin on his face, and was rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.
"Peeta, I didn't know that, I didn't get you anything. I'm sorry." I felt my heart sinking into my stomach.
"It's okay. That kiss was quite enough."
The words tumbled out of my mouth without permission. "There's more where that came from." His eyes widened a bit, and before I could give him the chance to come up with some smooth answer I began to open his gift. I dropped the blue bow on the ground, and flipped over the white leather box in my hand. There was some type of jewelry in it, which seemed odd to me because he knew I didn't like jewelry. I flipped open the cover, and inside lay a silver necklace. What was different about this necklace though was what it had on it. There was no stone, no glamour, just a pearl. A pearl I thought I had lost, but there it was attached to a necklace. I felt the air leave my lungs.
"Where did you find this?" I asked.
"On the street as I was walking to the train station in the Capitol to come home. I tripped on something, and there it was under my feet. Still perfect."
"Oh my gosh." Tears sprang at my eyes. "I love it, Peeta. I love it so much. Will you put it on for me?"
"Of course," he said. I gave the necklace to him and spun around. I felt his warm hands gently brush the hair off my neck, and then place the necklace on me. I swiftly turned on my heel to face him, and then mashed my lips to his. That was our first Christmas.
Year 3
Peeta was setting the table with the finest plates, and settings we had while I sung along to Christmas songs. Peeta tried to sing too, but it sounded like a dying cat, so he left me to that. He also had a turkey cooking in the oven, courtesy of me, and potatoes along with some rice bubbling on the stove. It was Christmas night, as well as our dinner to celebrate our marriage.
Just two days before Peeta and I had shared our toasting. It was simple, but perfect. Just the way I wanted it. I wore a white slip, and Peeta had been adorned in black pants with a white button down. We broke the bread by the warmth of the fire, and then fed the pieces to each other. The next day I went to the justice building and changed my name to Katniss Mellark. I never thought I would be one to change my name, but I kind of wanted Everdeen to die with me, and I wanted Mellark to live on so I changed my name. Plus I knew Peeta would be ecstatic to hear I had done such a thing. However, I still had not told him. He would find out tonight along with everyone else.
He snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. Peeta swayed us both back and forth in time with the music. "I love you," he whispered into my ear.
"I love you more," I told him. He placed a sloppy kiss to my cheek, and then started to sing in that awful voice of his.
"Deck the halls with bows of holly! Fa-la-la-la-la-la!" I was so tempted to cover my ears, but I laughed instead. He was so bad it was sad.
"Try singing with the music. Keep with the beat, you're all over the place."
"Fa-la-la-la-la-la!" he shouted, completely off the actual melody.
"Ugh, you're awful."
He planted kisses on my neck, while whispering, "No I'm not."
"Mmmm…yes you are." He kept kissing me. I couldn't concentrate. "So bad."
He grabbed me, and turned my around by the hips. Then his lips crashed into mine, and he had me. I fell like putty into his hands. I curled my fingers into his hair as he lifted me onto the island. Then I grabbed his waist, and drew him in closer. I was so lost in him that I hadn't even heard the door open. The one thing I did hear loud and clear was Effie's shriek, and Haymitch's laugh.
"I told you to be warned. They're like a pair of bunny rabbits," Haymitch's voice boomed.
"Oh god, my eyes," Effie screeched.
Peeta swiftly moved away from me, combed his now messed up hair back into place, and went to greet them. I rebuttoned the first two buttons on my blouse that Peeta has been toying with and hopped off the counter. I smiled graciously at a horrified Effie.
"Hi Sweetheart," Haymitch said and brought me into a hug. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was only Haymitch and Effie who saw. I could handle that. Besides Haymitch had a habit of coming into the house unwelcomed, so he had seen much worse. I cringed.
"Hi Haymitch."
"You know," he began, "I understand that boy is devilishly handsome, and
irresistible but you guys can stop doing it for one night."
"Alright!" Peeta said with a clap. "Let me take your coat for you Effie."
"What about my coat?" Haymitch asked. Peeta glared at him. "Alrighty then."
I eyed Peeta. He gave me a look as if to say, It's not a big deal. I nodded, and took some deep breaths. The door rang. It swung open before I had the chance to get to it, and there stood Johanna and Annie with her young son. Even so young he looked just like Finnick. They had the same piercing green eyes and shimmering bronze hair. "Hi," I said to them all, and gave them each a hug. Peeta greeted them much the same, and then we all settled down into our chairs for dinner. There was one empty spot. I wasn't sure why, perhaps if Greasy Sae showed up? Peeta got out the turkey and placed the side dishes on the table. As he was doing so the door rang again. We weren't expecting anyone else. I got up to get it.
I opened the door slowly, and he was standing before me. Hands in his
pockets. Peeta came rushing up behind me, stopping me from slamming the door shut in his face. "Gale!" he exclaimed, "We are so happy you could make it."
"Thanks for inviting me." Peeta motioned for him to come back then went to prepping the food. I stood there, still, dumbfounded and angry. "Nice to see you too, Catnip."
"Don't. Don't call me that," I snapped. "Why are you here?"
"Peeta invited me," he stated.
I whizzed around and shot a glare at Peeta, "What the hell Peeta? You could
have at least asked me! I need to talk to you. Now." I took him by the arm and dragged him upstairs. I closed us off in our bedroom. "What the hell?"
"Katniss, don't be mad," he pleaded.
"Too late. You know I don't want him here! Why the hell would you invite him?" I snarled.
"He was going to be alone on Christmas for the third year in a row. Katniss,
I think its time to forgive him. He didn't do anything-"
"No!" I screamed. "No! You do not get to decide when I forgive him! That is my choice! Mine!"
"All I'm saying is that he has suffered just as much as we have, and he's done it alone."
"He hasn't suffered nearly as much as you have, Peeta, and you know that," I told him.
"Yes he has," Peeta averred, "he's had to live with the guilt of what he did everyday. It probably ate away at every piece of him. He needs you. He needs you to forgive him before he can start living again. All he wants is your forgiveness, and I think he deserves that, don't you? He's kept his distance just like you wanted him to. It's Gale, Katniss. It's just Gale." He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. I hadn't even realized I was crying. "Talk to him like you would if you were out in those woods sitting on your rock."
"I can't," I cried. "It can never be like that again."
"Well maybe not but if you forgive him, maybe you'll be able to talk to him again. I know you miss him."
My lip quivered violently. "I do." Then I ran out the door, and swiftly took down the stairs. "Where's Gale?"
"He left, Sweetheart. You scared him off."
I jogged out the door, without my shoes, or jacket, and saw his silhouette
just a few feet down the road. I ran faster now, and shouted, "Gale!" He turned around, and I saw the white puff of air that his breathe created in the frozen air. I stopped just a few feet away from him. "Gale," I huffed and tried to catch my breath, "I forgive you."
"Oh, Katniss," he whispered and then his arms were wrapped around me and they felt so familiar, so missed, but so different, so much harder than before. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He was crying.
"It's okay. It's okay."
"I never meant for any of that. I don't know what happened to me, it was like, it was like I lost myself in it all. I'm sorry."
"Stop. Stop apologizing," I pealed myself away from him, "Just come to dinner tonight, please."
He nodded, and the corner of his mouth lifted in an almost smile. The gesture was familiar. He used to smile like that all the time. "I missed you," I told him.
"I missed you too." Then we walked back to the house together, and for the first time in forever family surrounded me when I walked in the door.
The meal was over. Everyone was eating Peeta's delicious blackberry pastry, and laughing. I chimed on the glass with my knife and stood up.
"Oh god," Johanna said, and put down her full fork.
I smiled sheepishly, and gazed at Peeta. "So Peeta and I have an announcement. We wanted to tell everyone while we were all together."
"Nice going, Peeta, you got her pregnant. Can't say I'm surprised," Haymitch remarked.
"God no! No! I'm not pregnant. Everyone shut up for two seconds," I reconciled myself, "What I was trying to say is that I'm not Katniss Everdeen anymore."
Peeta's face contorted in a weird way. I was no good with words. The whole thing was going terribly. I should've had Peeta give the speech. "I'm Katniss Mellark now."
Peeta was the first to speak, "What?"
"Peeta and I got married, and I changed my name. We are now Mr. and Mrs. Peeta Mellark." I smiled and rose my glass into the air. "We couldn't be happier, here with you all, celebrating this lovely holiday. It's been a long time since we've all been in the same place, and it feels like an even longer time since we've all been able to enjoy yourselves. What I'm trying to say, is that I love each and every one of you, and I have no idea where I would be without you all. To family."
Gale was the first to raise his glass along side me and cheer, "To family."
"To family," we all said in unison, and clanged our glasses. A smile spread across my lips, and a warmth filled my heart that I hadn't felt since my father had been alive. Everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be good again.
Year 8
The rapping at the door was nonstop. Even through the closet door I could hear it clearly along with his pleading voice, "Please come out of there, Katniss, and talk to me. What's going on? If this is about what we talked about, just forget it. I don't need any children, Katniss. All I need is you. Please come out of there."
It took all I had to keep the howling sobs at bay. The tears came silently down my cheeks, and pooled then dripped off my jaw. My lip was quivering violently, and my hands were shaking vehemently. I couldn't speak, nor move, all I could do was sit with my knees to my chest and rock back and forth to the sounds of Peeta's sad, begging voice. He knew I was in here because of the baby thing.
It had happened a few nights ago. Peeta and I were sharing a dinner together. He was talking about how he went to the school to teach a culinary class to fifth graders. He got this kind of look in his eye that twinkled passion, and want when he talked about children. I had seen that look more and more in his eyes, probably because he spoke about children often these days. He never outwardly asked, but I knew he wanted them.
It was me who actually came out and said it, "I know you wants kids Peeta.
You can ask. I won't break."
He stared at me. "All I want is you, Katniss, and whatever you want I want. If
you don't want kids, we won't have them. If you do, then we will."
"Don't pull that," I dropped my fork with a clang, "You want kids. Just admit it dammit!" My irritation was palpable. His eyes screamed hurt and confusion. Peeta fingered with his napkin, wiping his face, and then throwing it over his plate. He pushed out his chair, and cleared his setting, blatantly walking away from the conversation. He exited the table with a quietly remarked, "I'm done."
"So you're just going to walk away from the conversation." I snapped.
"I think that is what is best. You're obviously on edge, and I don't want to upset you anymore than it seems you are," he told me, and then cleared my plate.
"I am not on edge! All I want you to do is say it. Jus say you want kids and we can pretend this conversation never happened. I'm tried of you skating around the topic like it might break me to bring it up. Just say it, Peeta."
He dropped the plate in the sink with a loud bang, and whipped around to face me. His mouth was drawn into a tight, straight line, "Fine Katniss. I. Want. Kids. Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that make you feel better? I said it. Feel free to yell at me now, and don't hold back the profanities."
"What the hell, Peeta? Don't get pissy with me!" I shouted, throwing my chair back and standing up.
"So now I'm the pissy one? Bullshit, Katniss. I'm not the one harassing you. Last time I checked you were the one who started this whole thing. All I was doing was talking about my day. Don't twist this into something it's not."
"I'm not twisting it into anything, Peeta!" I was angry now.
"Really? Sure sounds like you are," his voice was rising, "I know you don't want kids. You can tell me that it won't hurt my feelings I promise. I've always known we would never have kids together, but you knew damn well that it would hurt me to say to you that I wanted kids because both of us know you'll never give them to me. So why'd you make me say that, so that you could spite me? Make me feel like shit? Well if it was either of those you got your wish." He stomped up the stairs, leaving the water running from the sink, and tears from my eyes.
Three days later I decided to go the doctors. The conversation with Peeta was weighing on my heavily. That next morning he left without giving me a kiss goodbye, and that night we barely even made eye contact, let alone conversation. He wasn't mad anymore, and the tension between us was dissolving but I knew he was still upset by it all. I had been thinking about it, and all I really have ever wanted is for him to be safe, and happy. He's safe now, and happy too but what would make him happier would be kids. So I was going to the doctors to see how far fetched the idea was. I had no idea if my body could even carry kids after everything it had been through.
"Katniss," a voice called out. I put the magazine down, and trotted down the hall and into the whitewashed room. "The doctor will be here any minute." I nodded and took a seat in one of the red plastic chairs. I was scared of what the answer to my question would be. If it was no I could not have kids I didn't know what I was going to do or feel, would I be relieved or cripplingly upset? I had no clue.
The door swung open with an acute creak, and a man dressed in all white came in. He had grey hair, and black glasses. He wore a smile on his face and his nametag read, 'Dr. Johnson.'
"Hello Katniss, it is so nice to meet you," he outstretched his hand. I shook it.
"Nice to meet you too."
"So it says here that you have a question for me about your fertility. Now I
called Dr. Aurelius, and he gave me a summary of your medical records. He also shared with me your medications that you've taken, and your traumas. I also got a blood sample from him that was acquired a few months ago, yes?"
I nodded. I had had my blood taken a few months back. It was a routine thing to make sure everything was well.
"So, now that I've said all that I want to know what you have to say," he smiled sweetly, a smile that made me feel almost safe to talk as freely as I wanted.
"Well, I just want to know if I will be able to have kids, considering all the things my body has gone through," he urged me on, "My husband, Peeta, really wants them. I've never wanted kids, really, but the look he gets in his eyes when he talks about the kids he sees at the bakery, well something about it makes me want to give him the world." I shrugged. I was talking an unusual amount.
"Well Katniss," he flipped through some papers, "Considering the immense amount of trauma your body has withstood it is going to be a feat to conceive a child. Now, that doesn't mean it isn't possible, but it could many years until your body is ready to have children. Are you menstruating normally?"
I shrugged, "Yes."
"Well that's a good sign. If that is normal then you perhaps will be able to
Conceive the child. The problem will be carrying it. Your body is still weak, though you may feel strong. I just don't know how it will take giving life to another when it has to work so hard to give life to you. Miscarriages will be highly likely, as well as losing the baby mid-pregnancy, or during delivery. You will probably have to be on bed rest. This is all if your eggs with even take to the sperm."
I took a few deep breaths. This was so much, too much. I knew this would be the case, but I thought I would feel relief, instead it felt like I had just taken a bullet to the heart. "So does that mean I will never be able to have children?"
"No, god no, but Katniss it going to be a miracle. I have to tell you that it is unlikely, not impossible, but unlikely. However, once you have one it will be much much easier to have another. The problem is going to be having one in the first place. I'm very sorry."
"It's okay," my voice cracked, "this is what I was expecting to hear." With that I grabbed my coat, and left. Every step felt like a mile on the way home.
"Katniss open this door, or I swear to God I will kick it down!" Peeta shouted. I wanted to get up, but I hurt too much. I was blanketed by my sadness, and every piece of me felt like a mile pounds. My sobs grew louder with each intake of breathe.
"One!" he yelled, "Two! Three!" There was shaking crash, and then the door to the closet was open, and light streamed in. He fell to his knees, picked me up, and held my close to his chest. I could hear his heart beating. "Katniss, what's wrong?" He rocked me steadily back and forth. The sobs broke me apart, and tore at each part of me. I couldn't breath. I felt like I was drowning.
"Please stop crying. Katniss please. I'm here. I love you."
I clung to him tighter than ever. If I said the words that I knew must be said I was afraid he may walk away from me. Against his chest, I mumbled, "The doctor doesn't think I can have kids."
He held my head, and continued to rock me back and forth. "So that's what this is all about? Katniss I love you either way. I don't care about that. All I care about is us. So you can't have kids, well then we will go on grand adventures together. If you think that this is going to change how much I love you, you're wrong, it just makes me love you more because you went out of your way to find out if you could have kids or not for me. And it's okay that you can't."
"No it's not," I wailed, "I just wanted to give you what you wanted, and in the process I realized that maybe I want it too. Not right now, but someday and now I can't have it. Why can't we just have one thing?"
"We have each other, and that's enough," he kissed my forehead. "Look at
me."
I drew myself away from him, and did my best to look him in the eye through my tears. "We're going to fine, yeah?" he asked, and showed me a smile. Then he wiped his thumb under my eye to catch a falling tear.
I nodded. He pressed a kiss to my lips, and then rested his forehead on mine. "Merry Christmas, by the way." I looked down, and there was a rather large gift wrapped in white.
"We don't do gifts, Peeta, remember," I told him, feeling bad I had gotten him nothing, but after the first year we said we were going to keep the holiday strictly about love and family instead of gifts.
"I know but I had to." He forced the gift into my hand. I laughed quietly, and tore at the paper. Inside was cardboard box.
"Just what I wanted, a cardboard box," I remarked.
"Keep opening." I ripped the tape away from the seams, and opened the flaps, then I took out the tissue, and saw the most brilliant thing. It was a painting of Prim, with her face mushed against the bakery window. I was standing behind her with my arms crossed, but what was really noticeable about the painting was the joy in her little face. A piece of my heart broke while simultaneously coming back together.
It was painted in pastels. The cakes were pink, yellow, and blue. She had her hair in two braids. She was wearing the plaid dress I wore to school when I was her age too. The same dress that Peeta first met me in. The painting was so realistic it was as if I was looking into a memory. "How did you remember this vision so well?"
Peeta shrugged. "Some things stick with you forever." He then kissed the tear that cascaded down my cheek.
"I love it. I love you," I whispered into his ear.
"I love you more, Katniss. Now I've got some Christmas pancakes downstairs, and cookies too that are just dying to be eaten, are you up for it?"
I nodded, and took his hand.
Year 13
"Keep them closed until I say so!" I shouted from outside the hall. Inside the hall Peeta was sitting under our Christmas tree, with his legs crossed looking like a little boy. If I could draw, I would have drawn that. However, Peeta was granted everything artistic in the roll of life.
I rummaged through the draw I had put the small gift in. It was just a long tin box covered in red wrapping paper, which I had to trade three squirrels for. I grasped the gift and trotted back out to the living room. He was still sitting there with the cutest little grin plastered on his face. It made me beam. I plopped myself down across from him, and placed the gift in his lap. This was going to be the best Christmas yet. I just knew it.
"Okay, you can open your eyes now."
His eyes fluttered open and he gazed down into his lap at the small package. "We don't do gifts," he said. I raised my eyebrow. He had broken that rule before. "Okay, fine we sometimes do gifts, but you didn't have to get me anything."
I shrugged. "I wanted to get you something."
He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on my lips. Peeta was the best gift I had ever gotten. He started tearing at the paper, smiling the whole time, and when he was done he threw the red glossy paper to the side in shambles. There went my squirrels. He stared at the tin 8x11 box with wide eyes. "Is this what I think it is?"
"Maybe," I told him. "You'll have to open it."
He popped up the lid, and gasped. Inside was a palette of eight pastels. The man on the phone called them "detail paints". I had no idea what that meant, I assumed that they were strictly for small details. I couldn't understand why artists didn't just use the same paint for details as well, but there was something special about these paints. As well as them only being for detail, they were to be used on walls only. They were permanent and the man told me that would last forever without chipping.
"These are beautiful, Katniss. How did you afford this kind of paint?" He ran his fingers over the rim of the tin box.
"Christmas magic," I pointed to the engraving on the inside lid, "and see they are wall detail paints."
He furrowed his brows. "I don't have any walls to paint, but I'm sure I could use them on my canvases too."
I bit my lip, and my heart began to race wildly on its own accord. A tremble started up in my hands. This was it. I took a deep, long breath, and spoke softly, "If you use them on your canvases then you won't have enough left to paint the nursery though."
His head flew up and his eyes latched onto mine. They flittered back and forth. "What nursery, Katniss?" he inquired with hesitation.
"The one to put the baby in." I couldn't breathe. My whole was tightening, and I couldn't tell if it was out of excitement or fear. It felt like this moment would never arrive. We had been trying for over a year, going on two, and every month I had to tell him that there was no baby. Then one time, it appeared as if it might have worked, but what I thought was two months I began to bleed. I'm not sure if I lost the baby, or if I was just late, but either way it was just as heartbreaking. I hadn't told Peeta about that though. I knew that would've broken his heart just like it did mine. I promised myself that I would wait until I was four months to say anything. Four months was what the doctors called the "safe zone". I was past the time of possibly losing the baby for the most part.
"Katniss, we don't have a baby," his voice hitched on the word baby.
My heart leapt when I grasped his hand. "About that." I drew down the zipper on the over sized jacket I had been wearing for weeks to hide the bump that seemed to grow bigger everyday. Then I placed his hand over the bump, and at that very moment the strangest thing occurred filling me with a terror I had never known before. It moved. The baby moved, and for the first time it all felt real. There was a baby, a human, inside of me that I would have to take care of. How was I going to take care of another human? And give it everything? I pushed down the fear so that Peeta could enjoy this moment. I would have to deal with it later.
As soon as he felt it he looked at me with joy, and hope. It blanketed my fear with the same feelings. Suddenly, he tore his hand away. Peeta's eyes went black, and he began to shake. "That's not my baby." Oh no. No. His pupils dilated rapidly from engulfing his eyes to the size of pinpoints.
"Peeta," I said carefully, "it's your baby. We're married. We've been trying to have a baby for over a year. Please remember."
"I would never marry you," he spat.
I shook my head hastily. This wasn't happening. Not tonight, not now. "It's not real," I told him. That was all I could get out.
"That's not my baby," Peeta averred again. I grabbed his hands with force. This was not going to happen tonight. He was not going to win tonight. I wouldn't let him.
"Look at me." Peeta deliberately looked away. I took my free hand and moved his face towards mine by his chin.
"Don't touch me."
"I asked you to look at me." This was a new approach. Usually I just nuzzled into him and waited it out whispering soothing words to him. "It. Is. Not. Real. Now repeat that."
"No."
"I told you to repeat it Peeta. Come on," I pleaded. "Come back to me."
His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. "Its not real. My name is Peeta Mellark. I'm married to Katniss Everdeen. We-" His squeezed my hand and shut his eyes as tight as he possibly could. My heart ached.
"We are very happy," I continued, "We love each other. We protect each together. We-"
"We are having a baby, real or not real?" he completed.
"Real," I whispered. "Very real." His eyes caught mine. The clouds had lifted from them. It hadn't been a bad one. Not even close. Peeta scooped me up in one swift motion, and placed me in his lap.
"I love you. I'm sorry," he said over and over.
"I love you more."
"A baby?" he questioned with his face buried in my hair. "A baby," he affirmed for himself. "We're going to be parents. Oh my god. And I felt her. I felt her kick."
"It's not a he or a she yet," I laughed.
"I hope it's a she," he peeled himself from me and looked me in the eye with the biggest smile on his face. A curl fell over his forehead. "I can teach her to bake. We can go on walks. I can read her stories. Make her paintings. Teach her to draw. I'm so happy. I've never been so happy. Oh my gosh." Both his hands went under my shirt and rested on my stomach. She kicked again like she knew her dad was there, right outside ready to love her. If it was even a her.
He knelt down on all fours, rolled my shirt up, and placed his head close to the small bump. "Hi baby. It's your daddy out here with your mommy, and we are so excited that you are finally here. It's Christmas right now, and the tree is all lit up. With the lights glistening in the room, dancing off your mommy's cheek," he gazed up at me, "she looks like an angel. I hope you look like your mommy. She won't say so but I'm sure she would be happy if you did too. I can't wait to see you. I love you. I love you. I love you."
"I love you too," I whispered down to our little baby. Sure, I was terrified beyond my comprehension but I was also in a state of euphoria as I observed the glowing smile on Peeta's face. In that moment I knew that this baby might just be one of the best decisions I had ever made.
Now
"Daddy is this a good amount of frosting!" Pearl yells and then points are her sugar cookie which you wouldn't even know was a sugar cookie if you hadn't seem it before the tsunami of red and green frosting hit it.
"That's plenty," Peeta says and then plucks the frosting spout from her small hands. She is almost five now, and she's got my hair but that's about it. The rest of her is purely Peeta. She loves to bake, and she is already good at drawing. For Christmas Peeta and I got Pearl her own easel and paint set. She's going to be so excited when she sees it. We open our gifts on Christmas Eve after our meal, so she will be getting her gift as soon at Peeta finishes cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. She hops down from the stool she had been using to reach the counter and runs over to the couch.
"Mommy!" she shouts even though she is right next me.
"Yes?"
"Will the baby be here for Christmas?" she asks with smile on her face. "I can't wait to see her."
"No the baby won't be here for Christmas, Pearl. And it might be a baby brother too," I say and tug on her braid playfully. My stomach is so big I can't even see my feet and Peeta has banished me to the sofa for the night because I can barely walk.
"Gross!" She fakes vomiting.
"Hey now," Peeta chimes in, "I'd love another boy in the house, I'm outnumbered here."
"Tell Daddy that if Mommy has anything to do with it, it'll stay that way," I smirk at him. He shoots me a joking glare back.
"You heard Mommy!" She wags her finger at Peeta. "No more boys in the house!" she chants.
"You tell him Pearl!" I encourage.
"Oh you are no good," he admonishes me.
I roll my eyes, "If I could walk right now I would so slap you, but I can't so just know I'm backhanding you in my mind right now."
He shakes his head. "So pleasant. So pleasant."
"It's only up from here," I tell him with sarcasm dripping from each word. Then I calmly place a hand on my belly. "It's like I have a whale in here. Pearl never got this big."
"That means it's a boy," Peeta winks.
"Nice try, but no."
He shrugs, "You just wait, Katniss. It's going to be a boy and we are going to name him Hunter."
"That is SO cliché!"
"No it is not!" he retorts. "I think that's a good name!"
I shake my head. "Absolutely not. I will not allow it. If it's a boy we are naming him Pine."
"And that's better than Hunter?"
"I agree with Daddy. I like Hunter better," Pearl says. She always takes his side.
"You're outnumbered! Hunter it is!"
"I'm the one carrying the baby!" I call out.
"Touché." He shoots me a deadly grin. I love him so much it hurts. I love our family too. I never thought I could be this happy, but I am. The only thing I wish is that Prim could see. I hope she's looking down on us from wherever she is and smiling. I look up and smile at her all the time.
"Okay, Pearl," Peeta begins as he walks toward the sofa lit by the light of the Christmas tree. "Go sit with Mommy and make sure your eyes are closed, got it?"
She buries her face in my hair. "My eyes are closed, Daddy!"
Peeta then runs upstairs, sounding like an elephant the whole way, and comes back down in moments with the easel and the tin of paints. He mouths to me, 'Ready?' I nod. I've been waiting to see her smile all day. "Open your eyes pumpkin," I whisper and she flies up. When she sees the easel though she completely stops in her tracks. Her eyes widen, and her jaw falls slack.
"Ta da!" Peeta exclaims.
"No way! No way! No way!" She screams, jumps off the sofa, and literally starts hugging the oak easel. "I love you Mommy and Daddy!" she cheers over and over again.
"Keep looking!" I tell her. "There is something else!" It takes her a minute but eventually she finds the tin. She rips the top off and actually starts crying when she sees the array of colors.
"It's so pretty! So pretty…"
So there we are. The three, well four, of us sitting by the tree. Peeta looks like he might faint from happiness. These last few months have been the best. Yes, I have been terrified by the idea of having another child, but I've also been delighted by it. When I feel him or her kicking in my stomach I get a rush, and I wonder if I can be as good a mom to him or her as I am to Pearl, but deep down I know I can. The love I feel for Pearl is almost otherworldly. Each day I love her more. There is nothing she can ever do that will make me love her less. So sitting here with my daughter, and the love of my life is all I need. All I need is family.