Rain bounces off of the black umbrella I hold slightly above my head. He presses a folded piece of paper into my hand and leans over to whisper into my ear, "I'll always love you. Remember that." He kisses my cheek before looking both ways and sprinting across the street. I unfold the note and can barely make out the words in the dim brightness of the street lamp. My eyes burn and my cheeks flush as I read the perfect cursive. Drops of water splat onto the paper and blossom out to shield the letters from my eyes. The umbrella has slipped from my hand and rain taps on my shoulders. I check that the road is clear and sprint after him, screaming out his name.
"Wait! Please! Stop! Don't leave me!" I trip over the curb and fall to my knees. Tears masked by rain sprint down my cheeks and collect in filling puddles. I squeeze the dampened paper to my chest and wail for him to come back. I can hear his footsteps splashing against the sidewalk even through the pouring rain and the pounding in my ears. I look up to see, through blurry eyes, his feet stop and turn in my direction before disappearing around the corner of a building at the end of the block. I straighten out the paper and read it one more time, stained with rain and tears, before shakily folding it and placing it inside his denim jacket pocket. The jacket he had, moments before, placed around my shoulders to protect me from the rain.
I stay on my knees and weep into my palms. He's left me, and he's never coming back. How could he tell me he loves me, but run away so quickly? Something taps me on the shoulder and I disregard it as the rain. When it happens again, but harder, I look up into the eyes of an elderly woman. She's holding my black umbrella out to me. I nod my head and take it from the woman, expecting her to leave me to wallow in my pain. Instead, the woman kneels down beside me, soaking the rim of her dress and shawl, and places her arms around me. I sob harder into the woman's shoulder as though she was my own mother, seeking to give me comfort. After all, I had never had a mother. She'd died in a car accident when I was only three. She ran a red light and got t-boned by a semi-truck going 45 miles per hour. She had been drunk because my father had just filed for divorce papers.
I think about going to a bar and getting drunk then speeding through an intersection. The numb thrill sounds exciting to me, and it helps to ease the tears. The tears. They are like bullets from my eyes. He left me. Why would he leave me? I push the woman away from me and scream for her to leave. She falls onto the sidewalk with a look of disbelief. I yell for her to leave again, and she stands and backs away from me. "Go on! Leave! Just like he did! Leave me here all alone! Just leave…" I cry in front of the woman without a care in the world. A tear rolls down her cheek before she turns and slowly walks away, hugging herself from the cold. I don't even notice the woman is walking in the rain without an umbrella while mine is lying on the ground beside me.
I wrap my arms around myself as the elderly woman did and rock myself back and forth. I don't bother humming a lullaby or telling myself it would be okay like I used to. I just cry. I cry out all the years of pain and sadness and happiness and love. I cry out all of the memories of him. Our texting conversations, our life plans to get married and what the wedding would be like, our jokes that no one else understood, and the play fights that always ended with a kiss. I cried out all of the good memories we shared. There were no bad memories. Everything between us had been perfect. I loved him with all my heart, and now if I ever said it, it wouldn't matter. Nothing about me matters to him now. He's going to go on with his life like I never existed, and I just hope he's happy. I hope he's happy without me. I hope he's happy with the new girl he'll go find. I hope he enjoys his days seeing me cry inside when I look at him. I hope he loves seeing me in pain. I hope he loves his new life.
A car speeds by the street beside me and water splashes over the curb and drenches me. "Watch where you're fucking going you goddamn asshole! I'm fucking crying here, can you not see that? Do you not see I'm in pain?" I scream at the car, long gone over the hill. I pick up the umbrella and begin beating at the pole of the sign telling people to stop or walk across the street. I force all of the muscles n my arms to either constrict or contract as I beat at the pole. I stand up and attack the screen. It sparks and goes black after one hit. I lean against the pole and press my face against the screen. Even though it's wet, I can still feel the heat form the electricity previously flowing through it. Another car stops at the red light beside me. I turn to look at the man and woman in the front seats, and it enrages me. I grip the umbrella, run in front of the car and smash the right headlight. The horn from the car blares at me, but I still smack at the hood of the car. I turn and smash the driver's side mirror and the car begins to pull away. I get one last bash at the rear window before it drives off.
I stare at the car until it disappears over the road, its tire's trail veiled by ripples of rain splashing into puddles formed on the road. I stand there staring, crying until another car pulls up behind me and honks its horn. I turn and stare into the headlights as the sound blares into my ears. I step aside onto the sidewalk beside the busted sign and let the car pass. I stare at the ripples my feet make as I turn and walk along the street. When I get to the corner where he had turned, I sit and stare, imagining him running away from me again, his black converse smacking against the concrete and disappearing around another corner. Two cars pass by me and I watch them go. I stand and wait for another, the blood pounding in my ears and the tears falling from my eyes as I silently say my goodbyes. Headlights appear over the hill and I count the time it takes for it to pass. One more and I'll be ready to go.
A midnight blue mustang drives over the hill and starts a fast acceleration down. Now's my chance. I step into the road, spread my arms, and tilt my head back into the rain. I can feel the warmth from the headlights of the mustang. The car horn blares into my face and I can just hear the squeal of the tires before my heart's ache is subsided and all my worries disappear.
The police give her father all of the things found on her person: her cell phone, her wallet, and a folded up piece of paper. Her dad calls him to tell him what had happened and he rushes into the hospital. The two of them stay by her bedside all night, the heart monitor beating ever so slowly. He holds her hand and brushes the hair back from her face. I never meant for this to happen, he thinks to himself as he kisses her hand. I love you, baby. Please, stay with me. In his head he can hear reply, "I love you too, baby." A slight smile breaks across his face. The heart monitor suddenly flat-lines and nurses come running in to her room, pushing him and her father out of the room.
They work on her for twenty minutes before someone comes to the waiting room to deliver the news. He sinks in his seat and begins to cry. Why did I give her that note? Why did I tell her good bye? I loved her! I LOVE HER! And now she's gone! AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT! He stands up and flings the chair he was sitting in across the empty room and through the wall length window. A nurse screams to contain him as he runs out of the hospital and into his car. He speeds out of the lot and rushes home. When he gets inside, he flings himself onto his bed and weeps. He cries onto his already soaking wet pillow from where he had said goodbye to her earlier. He sits up and opens the drawer to the bedside table. He pulls out a mini pistol and holds it on his lap. Tears fall off his cheeks and onto the gun. There's a knocking on his door downstairs, but he ignores it. "Don't do it! Please, don't do it!" It's her dad at the door. He pulls the gun up to his forehead and holds it there. Downstairs he hears a cracking and footsteps stomping up the stairs. "Don't do it!" The doorknob to his door is wiggling ferociously. He closes his eyes, whispers Goodbye Babe, and pulls the trigger.
The police find the note he'd written to her lying on the bed beside him. Her father explained who it was for.
My dear, sweet, and wonderful Julie,
I love you with all of my heart. I wake up every morning and the start of my day is you. Wonderful thoughts of you put me to sleep every night. I love your smile and the way your eyes light up in the sun. I love running my fingers through your silky hair, and I love the sound of your name on my tongue. I love you. You're so beautiful. You're the only thing I've ever needed since the moment I met you at the Bluebird Café. But I have to let you go. I'm leaving, and I'm going someplace I can't take you, but we'll meet again, and then we can be together. Forever. Just like we planned. I have always loved you and will always love you. Don't think of this as goodbye. It'll never be goodbye between the two of us.
I Love You, Babe,
Drew