Author's Note: bechloe97 prompt Emergency by Paramore. This was harder to write than most of my fanfics(actually I was the one who made it harder on myself) making it a hospital-doctor-medicine related kind of story...Yeah Emergency I took it too literally, but that's what I had envisioned. Also I was trying to draw some inspiration from one of my ultimate favorite tv shows Grey's Anatomy.
I had a lot of help from medical sites, the information I basically googled all of it. So for the med or surgical interns/students out there sorry if there are any inconsistencies, or errors involving anything...
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
The whir of the siren of an arriving ambulance alerts you, propels you into moving.
"Here we go Beale, Posen come with me"
Immediately your eyes find Aubrey's from across the room and you nod to each other wearily. The two of you start moving. You follow your resident, Doctor Gail Abernathy at once, trying in vain to shake off any remnants of your weariness.
You were already feeling unsteady on your feet, well into your eleventh hour in the surge of steady overflowing stream of incoming casualties. Pretty brutal for your second week into your internship. And to add to that you were just lucky enough to have been assigned to the pit.
You reach the doors as soon as they pull out the latest victim of this collision on the main-street,
"Beale, speed it up..."
You arrive right on Aubrey's tail just when they've started briefing.
"Hit and run, unidentified female, several broken ribs, severe bleeding, head trauma... "
The voice is now a dull roar at the back of your head. You're already way into your own examination. The girl has cuts all over her hands, her face, her arms severely bruised, one hand was twisted in an odd angle. You don't even flinch at the sight of the bone piercing right through her skin.
You know you're pretty out of it, but one thing was for certain, this girl needed desperate action immediately. You attend to the lacerations, the injuries that you can do something about... then you consult with your superior as to what the next action was.
You're working as if on autopilot, following protocol moving about seamlessly, disassociated from the person not reacting to the cuts and the gore that you were now so used to...You were getting much better at it...at quenching that sadness...of feeling too much for each patient...
And then you make the mistake of looking-really looking into the girls face, of this girl who looked your age, no, much younger than you..who had her whole life ahead of her, who lay at death's doorway.
You can't help noticing that it's a pretty face...such fine features, with almost chestnut head of hair that would have been pretty if not for it being matted with blood
It's one of those frozen moments that you've seen only movies and here it is...as you stand there feeling everything fading away as you look into the strangers face.
Then you hear a gasp as she comes to- you're not quite sure if it was hers or yours-her eyes shoot wide open, her hand grasping yours-your heart jolts...a dark blue connecting with your own, looking positively terrified. She's groaning in pain.
Her grip is surprisingly strong, you don't try to pry your hand out of her grasp, not wanting to jostle her, to cause more harm.
"Book an OR stat, we need to stop the bleeding, get her out to surgery...page Neuro, Ortho immediately."
You're stuck there for the time being looking straight into her eyes...feeling a rush come upon you, a tingling causing your heart to speed up, for your blood to circulate faster...
She's transferred to the gurney, you're pulled along, her hand still wrapped tightly around yours..
Everything is going smoothly, you're in transit on the way to one of the rooms, when the the girl starts struggling, trying to lift herself up, almost wrestling with the nurses.
"The car-" she chokes, gurgles on some blood,
"Ma'am-you shouldn't be talking-or moving..." Aubrey says, but the brunette doesn't let up, she tries to sit up looking determined,
Your heart constricts, watching her struggle-where does she get her strength... she's severely injured she shouldn't be able to do that.
"Ma'am you were involved in a car accident, and you were brought here to Los Angeles General Hospital...I understand you're confused and overwhelmed at the moment but-" she's ignoring Doctor Abernathy, struggling freely, the tears are gathering in her eyes. She looks to you, her eyes pleading. You don't know what she's trying to communicate to you but there's a painful twist in your gut from looking into them for too long.
"the driver...is he" she asks you,
"Ma'am-please...calm down." you try to soothe her, you glace up at Aubrey and your Resident they're looking to you to handle the patient as she seems to have singled you out.
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
'Cause I won't stop holding on
Your hand rubs along the brunette's soothingly, a gesture that your Mother used often when you were in the verge of your childhood asthma attacks.
"I'm here to take care of you, everything will be alright."
Your words seem to work. She finally calms down, long enough to be wheeled into the OR floor and into one of the rooms closest to it, but then she starts seizing-and you're the one that freezes, fumbling, momentarily thrown by her eyes rolling into their socket, seeing the whites...
"Beale-what're you doing...let go of her hand-" you immediately, drop the hand and back away.
"Doctor Beale how do you want to proceed?".
You blank, Your anxiety's kicking in at the wrong moment.
"Doctor Beale what are you supposed to be doing in this situation..."
You're skimming past the Anticonvulsant Protocol information in your head-but you can't speak, can't act..
Intravenous (IV) lorazepam is first-line therapy for active seizures. Patients who continue to seize after 2 benzodiazepine doses should be treated with propofol or barbiturates.
EEG monitoring is indicated to rule out nonconvulsive status epilepticus in patients receiving aggressive therapy for generalized convulsive status epilepticus.
Too late Aubrey brushes past you, taking the reigns...it's a flurry of movement as they try to get a hold of her seizing.
"Did you load her up with phenobarbitone?"
"Yes...there's no change..."
"Okay do the first dose of diazepam, then wait five minutes to see if diazepam is effective"
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
"Her hearts stopped..."
Code Blue, Code Blue...
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
'Cause I won't stop holding on
"I need a crash cart over here..."
"Charge paddles to two hundred..."
Clear..
Nothing-
nineteen seconds...
"Charge to three hundred"
Clear...
"Don't give up please..." you whisper...
"No response-"
"Charge to three-sixty"
"She's V-FIB"...Aubrey is looking to Doctor Abernathy, waiting for her to call out the next line of action.
You're looking into the girl's face, this can't be the end...she can't die.
This girl was-had been-somebody's somebody. Someone's sister, someone's daughter, a girlfriend...and here she was at the last moments of her life alone (not really alone) but surrounded not by her loved ones, but by complete strangers observing her, tending to her like she was just another body...
Her loved ones, they wouldn't even know what happened to her...until after...
You can't believe she'll never open her eyes. That you'll never look into them again. That you'll never know her story or even just simply, her name.
No one should die nameless, and belonging to nobody.
You can't let that happen...Sure it has happened before, But this just can't be...not for her. Not for this one.
Not on your watch.
You finally get a hold of yourself.
"Move!" you push to the front, pushing away the paddles,
You start administering manual CPR... . .five. four. three. two .one
"Come on, come on!"
I'm not giving up on you
This is an emergency
"Doctor Beale..."
"Okay-charge again."
"Beale-"
"I said charge again..."
"Come on!"
You're trying, hoping- If only by sheer will- to bring her back...
Clear
You shock the girl one last time...
that was it...
"Is there any change?"
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
'Cause I won't stop holding on
Tiit toot tit toot...
you hear the beautiful sound of the brunette's heart monitor...
"Thank God" you let out the relief, she was still alive...
"Good job Beale...but she still has a long way to go-" Doctor Gail says,
Unbelievably, soon after the patient's eyes flutter open...her eyes immediately find yours.
You reach for her hand this time,
"It's okay-you're okay...Miss-" you pause not knowing what to call her, she gives you the answer.
"Beca my name's Beca." she says before tiredly closing her eyes.
"OR one is available." one of the nurses informs everyone in the room.
"Okay it's time to prep Beca here for surgery..." they start to move her once again. You remember that you could let go of her hand now. It's odd though, how you find yourself not really wanting to.
Your resident silently appraises the two of you, before she starts talking "Posen, Beale only one of you can scrub in."
Aubrey's right beside you squirming you can almost hear her thoughts screaming 'pick me pick me'...
Any other day you would be jumping to scrub in but for some reason your heart's not into it...
You close your eyes before you speak,
"Aubrey was the one who kept her cool, she should get to scrub in."
The both of them look at you surprised, but Doctor Gail quickly composes her features,
"Okay then Posen scrub in...Beale" Your resident nods, before she walks into the scrub room to get ready for the surgery. You can still see her through the glass of the door as she starts scrubbing in.
"What was that Chloe...you never give up a chance to get in on surgery...we usually have to fight tooth and nail over it...it's what cemented our friendship."
It was true, the both of you were intense, very similar in terms of being driven when it came to trying to top in the surgical program; Aubrey was a Christina Yang kind of hardcore, she lived for the day when she would finally be allowed to cut. You, you were definitely a Meredith Grey when it came to smarts and ability, you had consistency and conscientiousness likened to George O'Malley but you were coming to realize that you were probably an Izzie Stevens when it came to your patients-with the ever present tendency to get emotionally attached.
"I know...you can just-take it as a reward for being such a supportive friend one that uh promotes healthy competition, always keeping me on my toes.."
She narrows her eyes, trying to weigh in the situation. Her mind was like that crafty, needing to know what was at stake, trying to see how serious you were-if there was any down side to the offer. She can't seem to come up with one(probably cos there wasn't one), she smiles brightly and jumps into your arms,
"Thank you! I love you forever for this...never mind right, you can always watch from the galley." she says.
The Galley-like its such a consolation price and not a total step down from actually witnessing the surgery up close.
"Yeah...I'm not watching, there are some charts I should be completing..." you say, it's out of your mouth before you can really think about what your saying. Maybe you were just really exhausted.
"You're willingly choosing charts over this, you sure you're okay?" You want to explain it to her, but you can't. You really don't understand it yourself...
You roll your eyes and smile brightly,
"Of course I am, but just so you know, this is a one time thing...so don't lose focus or get too comfortable... or I'll be getting the next one." you taunt. It's nothing this is what's normal for the two of you,
"I know- and you should know by now I never lose focus." Aubrey says seriously.
"Oh really... I think they're starting without you..."you say, she glances behind her and sure enough everyone else is on the final stages of scrubbing in, moving up to the surgery table.
She's about to follow into the OR after Doctor Gail but you find yourself calling her back,
"Can you keep me informed, you know about the surgery...if it's successful."
"You kidding me...it's gonna be rough, but the Doctors will be able to handle it." she says casually,
"You don't think it'll be draining that she'll be okay?" her eyebrow come together,
"Who Doctor Gail, she's done surgeries more extensive than this...she can go 8 hours in surgery without breaking a sweat..."
"I meant for Beca..."
"Who? Oh the patient..."
"You'll keep me updated about her?"
If she thinks there's something odd about(or so much more)to your request, she doesn't show it.
"Of course, she's in good hands...there's no need to worry." she says in a rush,
You can practically see her body-aching, yearning to be inside the room.
"Okay sorry, yeah go ahead." she sends one last excited smile before she disappears inside.
Several hours later...
A man gets wheeled out of the next ambulance; Dave Perks, the driver of the vehicle that had hit Beca. You observe him from behind your charts. He has minor cuts on his forehead, a broken nose. There are some police officers standing with him.
You're listening to the conversation going on around you. Apparently, he had gotten away but he had turned up later at the accident site, having been struck by his guilty conscience.
The man's freaking out, you can hear him screaming all the way down the hall.
"I didn't even see her, one minute I was clear and then she came flying out of nowhere, Oh god please tell me I didn't kill her."
They lead him past you. You follow, drawn against your will.
"Who's the doctor of that poor girl...can anyone tell me if she's doing alright." The rest of the staff are glancing around at each other uneasily, the other patients are getting agitated.
"PLEASE I HAVE TO KNOW!"
He's struggling to his feet. You finally walk up to him. You're ready to give him information, offering temporary peace of mind, a break from the guilt.
You approach him from behind. You lay a hand on his shoulder, he faces you, and it's terrifying looking into this enraged man's face but you keep your composure, your gaze remains steady. You ask for his chart from the nurse then introduce yourself.
"I'm Doctor Beale, I'm the one who attended to um Beca, the girl who was in the hit-and uh, well the car accident. She was taken into surgery several hours ago."
You fill him in with the necessities but you don't give the exact details; You don't breach the Doctor-Patient confidentiality.
He looks past you his eyes stopping at the gurney that was currently being wheeled out of the elevator.
"Is that her..."
You turn your neck so fast you actually hear a crick, You see Aubrey and Doctor Abernathy along side the gurney.
Beca's out of surgery? What was she doing on this floor?
They spot you and come over.
Okay this was awkward, the two patients couldn't meet like this,
You're trying to silently convey to Aubrey the weird situation you were in, but they're understandably oblivious...
"We heard there was some changes in the Hit and run case."
You shake your head slowly, your eyes widening trying to warn Aubrey. She misinterprets your expression and offers instead an explanation concerning Beca being there with them.
"We're moving her to the ICU we had to pass through here cos the other lifts broken..."
Mr. Perks speaks over her,
"Thank God you're okay, you're alive...she's alive." peering at a heavily sedated, unconcious Beca.
Just barely but she's staying strong you muse, she's got bandages wrapped tightly around her head and across her ribcage, she has a cast on her arm.
Aubrey and Doctor Abernathy are sending questioning glances your way.
You move in front of him to shield her from his view...you don't want him to get worked up.
"This is Mr. Perks, 51-he um..." you start to explain.
"I was the one who ran into this poor girl..." he says tearfully.
Doctor Abernathy doesn't miss a beat.
"Okay...um Posen, you're assigned to this man-Mr. Dave Perks, Beale-you're handling Beca..." Aubrey and you take your cue to leave, Aubrey leads Mr. Perks the opposite direction-while you lead the rest of the team and head towards the ICU.
And thus begins your watch over Beca, she was officially under your care now.
The first night up until the early morning, you monitor her closely...she wavers between life and death so many times, but she doesn't falter she only comes back stronger.
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong
'Cause I won't stop holding on
I'm not giving up on you
This is an emergency
So are you listening?
You disregard your own exhaustion, not willing to give up as well. The team's outside the room at the ready to help when necessary.
You keep in mind the rules after a Traumatic Brain Injury:
Keep intracranial pressure (ICP) down
reduce brain swelling (cerebral edema)
give the brain as much oxygen it needs to heal
You've taken to talking to her, she's a great listener. You talk about everything, you're telling her anything that comes to mind (your relationships: with your work friends; the great love-hate relationship with Aubrey, and your failed relationships with men. Your favorite things; favorite song (Titanium, No Diggidity), favorite TV show (tie between ER and Grey's Anatomy and also secretly GLEE), favorite pie (pecan the one that your Mother made that you could never recreate) favorite dog you'd like to own someday(Welsh Corgy).
You've never quite enjoyed "talking" to someone like this before, there's something about Beca-she gives off this easy-to-talk-to vibe, she seems like she could be a good conversationalist(you don't know how you know, but you can just tell by the different little sound she makes.) She's breathing slow and steady when you talk about your College Acapella days, she snorts(you can almost imagine her laughing) when you go into detail discussing the many rules of being a Bella, what was expected of you, the uniforms you were required to wear, the song choices.
She sighs when you tell her that was a long time ago-when you used to sing all the time... until you lost your voice when you discovered you had vocal nodules. You were wrongly advised to resort to surgery and after that everything;your voice, and you...you were never quite the same.
It's one of the reasons you became a surgeon. So you could learn how to help people, to give them a chance at a better quality life. To let them go on with their lives without taking away something from them in the process.
Later on in the day, she crosses the threshold. She's finally out of the woods, and it's astonishing how fast she's recovering.
"It's a miracle!" Doctor Stacie(Plastics) exclaims, Fat Amy(Neurosurgeon), Cynthia Rose(Peds) all interns, have come by to check in on the hit and run case.
"You really do have the magic touch Beale..." Fat Amy says,
"I didn't do anything I just stayed with her..."
"I think you need to be getting some well-deserved rest..." Doctor Abernathy says, turning up behind the group, everyone visibly sits up straighter.
"No, no I'm fine..." you say before your yawn gives you away.
"Beale just go to the on-call room. I can take over from here."
You're hesitant to leave...
What's your deal? It's not like Beca couldn't survive without you there, You hardly think she would notice-or that she's even aware.
"Okay...I'll go then."
"Wait her pressure's dropping...we have to get more fluids to reduce the swelling..."
You hesitate at the doorway of Beca's room...you can't not stay.
"We've got it Beale." Doctor Abernathy tells you, from over her shoulder reading in to your dilemma.
And just as soon as she says it-Beca stabilizes..
yeah they knew what they were doing...she really didn't need you.
You wake up two hours later,
Something's different you can feel it...
You check your pager, and just like you'd predicted...you were needed in Beca's room.
You tidy yourself up as best you could, then head directly where you're needed.
Your heart's is racing fearing the worse but then you come face to face with a now conscious Beca.
She still looks worse for wear, her hair shaved off, her face cut up..but still to you it's such a relief. Seeing her awake, alive, and happy? She's smiling at you like your her most favorite person in the world.
"Beca? Hi How're you feeling?" you inch towards her feeling your heart beating erratically, her eyes won't quite leave your face...and you're suddenly feeling flustered.
"Imm...go-od." she says her eyes blinking slowly with a slur to her speech, it's normal her brain's still recovering, her functions were still hazy.
You perform the routine checks; testing the patient's eye, motor and verbal response. You check the bandages and the external ventricular drain (EVD)which served to drain excess fluid from the brain to stop any fluid build-up(hydrocephalus) and her ICP Monitor.
You're glad she's doing well, she's very responsive, and her vitals are stable. You're sure the Intensive Care Nurse had been taking fifteen-minute neurological observations, you'll check with her later.
"That's good...do you know who I am?"
"Do-ctor...talk...to...me...last night."
Oh God you're hoping she doesn't remember everything you told her...
"Uh could you kindly follow the light please." you ask shining the flashlight,
"I'm Doctor Beale, Chloe Beale...and you're Beca, Beca- do you know your last name?"
She nods her head, but stops herself, squeezing her eyes tightly in concentration before she moves her head from side to side. The movement seems to take a lot out of her. The expression on her face you interpret it as one of confusion and consternation then shock,
She can't remember
"I-Be-Mmmm" , she's becoming agitated, and you rush to calm her down.
"It's okay...Beca's fine...it's a beautiful name." she looks you in the eye once again... she breathes once, twice slowly before she settles back down. You listen to her breathing become even, as she falls into a peaceful slumber.
You remain standing, staring...you take in her furrowed brow, her clenched hand. You place a hand on her forehead trying to get the wrinkles to smooth out. It does after awhile, but the tension still remains on her face.
Doctor Abernathy was right, Beca still had a long way to go. Recovery would be a bitch, very tedious and frustrating...
-Recovering from a brain injury relies on the brain's plasticity—the ability for undamaged areas of the brain to take over functions of the damaged areas. It also relies on regeneration and repair of nerve cells. And most importantly, on the patient's hard work to relearn and compensate for lost abilities.
You can't help it, your heart is bleeding for this girl who would have to go through all of this alone, (Beca's face had been all over the local news stations, and yet no new information had come in about her.)usually patients could count on a support system consisting of their family and friends once they got out.
The usual options once the patients condition had stabilized immediately their would be some arrangements made to start rehabilitation straight away, either at home(not an option) or a long-term care or rehabilitation center.
A long-term acute care (LTAC) facility is a place for patients who have stabilized from their initial injury but who still require a ventilator or frequent nursing care. Many patients are discharged to an LTAC to continue being weaned from the ventilator. Once off the ventilator, they can be moved to a rehabilitation or skilled nursing facility.
A rehabilitation facility is a place for patients who do not require a ventilator but who still require help with basic daily activities. Physical and occupational therapists work with patients to help them achieve their maximum potential for recovery. Rehab facilities are either Acute Inpatient Rehab that require patients to participate in 3 hours or more of rehab a day or a Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF) that provide 1-3 hours of rehab a day depending on what the patient can tolerate.
For the time being she would stay in the ICU to recover some more...and maybe within a few days, depending on her progress, you would come to a decision as to where she would be going.
She was a special case what with not having a definite plan for the future. And yet the hospital-your team would see to it that she be taken care of-in fact, you think this would give more of a reason to give extra care to Beca.
But she was a strong one, and determined...you know that nothing would stop Beca from trying to get back to normal, you swear you would do everything in your power to help her to do so.
The Rehabilitation specialists from the hospital offered their assistance, to evaluate Beca...to better prepare her for when she left the hospital.
Beca had started seeing a couple of therapists. A Physical Therapist to start helping her regain and relearn the strength, balance and the coordination/movement of her body. An Occupational Therapist to help her re-familiarize herself with basic tasks such as dressing, feeding, bathing, toileting, and transferring herself from one place to another. A Speech Language Pathologist (to monitor swallowing ability, checking on basic cognitive functions) and lastly a Neuropsychologist to teach or help her relearn methods to cope with her thinking, the difficulty of accessing her memories.
CT Scans, MRI Scans show minimal swelling-that Beca was recovering nicely...but she still needed a jump start to all her basic functions.
After a whole week they move Beca out of the ICU into the neurosurgery floors.
She's no longer under strict constant watch-and her rooms more private, no more glass windows. Something Beca seems to like immensely.
She's already getting better at communicating; her speech pathology therapy was very effective (rather ironic considering how her therapist, Lily, hardly spoke a word) Beca can enunciate more clearly now, the pauses between her words are shorter...she still struggles at times to find the right word she needs but still, it's an immense improvement.
"Hey... there's my favorite... person slash doctor..." she says. You school your features to not show too much pleasure from those simple words. Plus, you should be used to it, she always greeted you in a similar fashion.
"Hello... my favorite red head"
"Hello my favorite former Collegiate A-capella competing member" (yeah she had remembered most of everything you told her that time...actually she remembered everything: the events, the conversations that had happened after her surgery but nothing before that.)
"That's not exactly fair for the one's you don't remember..." You evade the compliment as was your way,
"Well at least... you're the only Doctor I remember liking... so far."
"And you're comparing me to all the other people that you've met so far...the PT Bumper Allan, and the twin scary Asians Kimmy Jin and Lily-so what I win by default?"
"You win... either... way..."
"Well thanks.." you say, unable to stop the smile-the faint blush from breaking out on your face, you roll your eyes at yourself afterwards.
You should've seen it coming.
But you handled your feelings and emotions quite well on a daily basis, pushing them back behind the professional mask you were required to wear..so it didn't really strike you as important...then.
How you forced yourself to disregard the little tingles, the extra spring in your step, whenever you were about to see her. To make nothing of the upbeat happy version of you that you used to know in College slipping out more and more often, especially when you were around her.
Even before you had a real actual conversation with Beca you knew that you and her would just click. The banter was easy between the two of you, she dealt with her condition with an easy self-depreciating humor...Sometimes you had to be the one reminded that she wasn't being serious.
"If I didn't know better I'd think you were slipping something into my IV line to keep me from recovering quickly." she muses aloud one day, all serious-like.
She's on the bed of course (but she's sitting up) the bed's elevated, you're on the seat close to the bed, usually reserved for loved ones.
"And why would I do that?" you ask a little nervous, shocked and astounded, wondering at her train of thought. Where the hell did she pull out that accusation?
"So you could keep me around longer..."she says, her mouth twitching. Your eyes narrow, you almost clutch at your chest that so wasn't funny.
"Those are some very serious accusations...do you know how much trouble I could get in if anyone outside of this room heard what you just said?"
She starts laughing, her eyes dancing,
"C'mon I know I'm in perfectly good hands...I know you wouldn't even think of killing me."
"I dunno maybe I just changed my mind..." you say sourly, and her laughter comes to a halt seeing your face, maybe seeing how much you meant what you said at the moment.
"I guess... I just didn't think before I said it..." she says her voice small, sounding repentant. Your ears quirk...
Was she about to do what you thought she would do...Was Beca going to apologize? This was highly unusual. From the short time you'd known Beca she'd exhibited some aspects of her personality, she's showcased some (supposedly)old behaviors of hers... but she'd never ever done this before.
Her eyes raises to meet yours, you give a little nod to urge her to continue and she does...
"So-I'd say sorry... but it's not really my fault...you know, having a messed up brain and all." and then she starts laughing again, you roll your eyes amused against your will.
"Trust me, if there was some medication to speed up the healing process, I'd load you up on it...I can't get you out of here fast enough." you say trying to sound and look mean but your mouth lifts up at the corners, the beginning of your smile.
"Aw...C'mon then who would you have these enlightening, entertaining talks with?" she says, waggling her brows.
"Someone who wasn't so mentally unbalanced..." you retort, gently, playfully shoving her good arm.
"Low blow, low blow..." she says, and you don't know why it cracks you up. Before long you're both laughing. You keep laughing long and hard...until your sides ache.
You look at her once you've recovered, she's wiping a tear from the corner of her eye...
"Seems like you aren't alone in being mentally unbalanced..." you say,
"yeah...I tend to rub off on people...and just so you know I would never willingly try to get you into any trouble..." she says,
"And I guess I would never willingly try to kill you...or yeah hurt you." you lament, biting back your smile. Her mouth twitches in response,
"That's fair..."
"All's fair in Love and War." you quickly say, Okay where'd that come from. You don't know why you feel so embarrassed for saying it but Beca's silent too, until
"It is in Love, isn't it?" she says, her smile small but bright, her eyes boring into yours. You feel your own face flush- a responding smile.
"Yeah."
One thing she had no problem remembering was Music, specifically the kind of music she liked. She had a vast knowledge of all things music-related she knew all the Grammy winners, knew where to get good deals to buy Vinyl...
Another thing she was particularly good at, she could pick out any song you would hum and she would match it up with another song and it would sound perfect.
You were humming the intro to SAIL by AWOLNATION...then she starts singing a familiar intro to Radioactive by Imagine Dragons.
And then the part where they first say SAIL! she starts singing first and you take over for Radioactive.
This is how I show my love/ I'm waking up to ash and dust,
I made it in my mind because/ I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust,
I blame it on my A.D.D. baby/I'm breathing in the chemicals.
This is how an angel dies/I'm breaking in, shaping up,
I blame it on my own supply/then checking out on the prison bus
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby/This is it, the apocalypse
Whoa
SAIL! I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
SAIL!Enough to make my systems blow
SAIL! Welcome to the new age, to the new age
SAIL!Welcome to the new age, to the new age
SAIL!Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive
SAIL !Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive
You both break off at similar times, she smiles at you.
"You can sing."
"And so can you, you would've been an excellent addition to the Bellas."
"So you guys did things like this all the time ey? I thought the idea of a capella or like any live group singing in general was totally lame...but I can see the appeal."
"Oh?"
"Yeah...it's just like working on a mash-up or a mix but with lots of incredibly talented people close at hand."
"Thank you... I am incredibly talented, finally someone's noticed."
"Nah it seems wrong-a bit too long" Huh? "What-" you start to ask, You fail to understand what exactly Beca meant,
"I think you're just incredible." she says uncharacteristically shy, her head bent over, you place two fingers under her chin,
"You're pretty incredible as well." you say genuinely.
The two of you have similar gigantic, bright smiles...Her face is a bit flushed you feel your own cheeks heating up the longer you stare at each other.
"Chloe-" she whisperers, and the words are crackling in the seemingly thin air...her eyes shiny.
"uh-huh?" you ask, poised at the edge of your seat, waiting for something(you're not sure what yet)
"Don't tell me something I already know." she says before she starts laughing.
You roll your eyes before you push her face away.
But understandably she wasn't always this spry and upbeat, there were times for several hours she'd just sleep...when she was exhausted from therapy,
She suffered (or according to Bumper was properly motivated)particularly at his hands.
He was a very pushy kind of therapist...(drill-sergeant type, or even a football coach; red face and spluttering, impatient and demanding the only thing lacking would be the trash-talking)
You'd confronted him about it once, it was no use, talking to Bumper was like talking to a brick wall. He could not be swayed, he was dead set in his way of doing things,
"Can you be more gentle with her please."
"Have you ever heard of Tough Love Beale?" you give him one of your are-you-serious looks, he waits for you to give some sort of acknowledgment before he continues, "yeah I invented the term..."
"No you didn't..." you snap,
"Well I wish I did...that's my motto..."
"it's not a motto..."
"I count it as my own personal motto..."
"O-kay."
"The low-down is she needs someone to kick her ass into gear and I'm it. Do you want to have a limp your whole life Beca?" he calls to her, she's too tired to respond,
"Don't talk to her like that!" you grit through your teeth, he pointedly ignores you.
"No...okay let's do that stretch one more time...I know it hurts but just hold it for a second longer and I tell you the pain right now is nothing it'll all be worth it in the long run."
Beca tiredly executes the stretch, her whole shirts soaked through, she grunts out, her face is red, twisted up in exertion.
"And Beale don't tell me what to do...It's not my fault I'm not all... soft." Bumper remarks, you clench your fists ready to give it to him...
"I'm...tough not soft." Beca mumbles instead in response,
You put a comforting hand behind her, massaging little circles into her back. Her tense back muscles immediately loosen.
Bumper doesn't bother to reply or to correct her, but you know that jibe was meant for you. He moves away from the two of you.
And I can't pretend that I don't see this
It's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
"Maybe I should just give up, I'm not getting any better..." Beca says, weary and defeated.
"Disregarding everything else Bumper said...It may not seem so right now, but you are improving little by little everyday..."
"Who are we kidding, I'll never be able to go back to the way I was before..." she says resigned to her fate, you pause trying to come up with the right words to soothe her...
"No, not exactly the way you were before...but it doesn't mean you're worse off...you'll just be different. Okay, I want you to bear with me for a bit -you think maybe there was some sort of Silver Lining to this..."
"How could there possibly be anything good that I can get out of this?"
" You'll be slower at some stuff but maybe because of it you'll take the time to appreciate things you'd never think to notice before. With the struggles you find and discover new things about yourself everyday and you learn to deal with it as it comes in. Look at it outside of the box...I don't know, maybe-maybe the challenge was put there so you could become strong enough to overcome it."
"Wow...how do you come up with all this bull shit?"
You don't take the bait, you know she's frustrated right now...
"Maybe cos I'm a glass is half full kinda person..."
"Well of course you are. Look at you Chloe, you're perfect...untouched by it all."
"Trust me, I'm not perfect...outside of work I have no semblance of a life...I'm a messed-up individual posing as a semi-functioning one..." you're half-joking, trying to liven her up a bit.
"Could've fooled me. You know that-I can't even stand the face looking back at me in the mirror?" her voice is hard, you hear some bitterness creeping in. "Even more so now I have all of these scabs all over my face, and that gigantic one-the one that'll form around my indented head."
You scramble for words that are sliding, slipping, leaving you against your will; like sand in a clenched hand...
"That's another proof that you're already recovering, that your healing. Physically you'll always carry a scar that will remind you everyday what happened... but you shouldn't be ashamed of it, wear it proudly it's a mark of a survivor..." you hear yourself saying, you inwardly cringe what the hell were you saying...
"I survived... for this? What's the use of it...what use am I to anyone anymore..." Beca says her voice coming out tight, you know she's trying to keep from crying; something she detests that she has no control over.
"-that's if anyone even cared about me to come looking for me-to even be here-" she stops abruptly, turns her face for a moment, trying to compose herself.
"The doctors, the nurses, the entire hospital cares about you..."
You say anything that comes to mind, your desperately trying, holding on by the tips of your fingers-you're not cut out for this. Beca was looking for someone strong to lean on, to make her feel better... but you're way out of your league here- fresh out of inspirational advice plus you feel like a total fake preaching-talking about her experiences.
Like you had a clue how truly hard it was for her.
"They don't count..."
"Then I care...Beca." you say, a last attempt...but it's the most real-true thing that came out of your mouth. Beca's still looking away but her shoulders have relaxed... maybe just maybe-you were finally getting to her.
"I know that I don't count but I care... ever since they brought you in, I've cared." You say it slowly wanting every word to sink in.
"I saw you when they just wheeled you in broken and beaten...when you were at your worse...and everyone was saying she's a goner...and I refused to give up on you...but then you proved them all wrong yourself...And you know what...I knew even then, that you would go all the way, that you would soldier on...that you had it in you to make it-You were so weak, you were so close to dying but you didn't. Every single time you came back stronger. Isn't that proof enough that you're a fighter... that you can overcome this...that you were meant to keep living. You've come this far, this isn't the time to lose hope..."
"You may be willing to give up...but I'm not, not just yet. I care about you way too much to let you."
Beca's quiet, deep in thought. You giver her time to absorb everything you just said.
"You should write a self-help book..." she comments after a pregnant pause.
"Ha-ha" you say, so sure she was being sarcastic.
"I'm serious...you're good at making people-well, maybe just me-feel less crappy...and that in itself is a gift."
"And what'll it be called Unwarranted Life advice from Doctors to their patients..."
"That's a sucky title."
"Okay I'll get my friends to help me write it..."
"It should be your own. You're the only one of those doctors who treats me like this..."
"Like what?"
"Not just like some patient, like, an actual person."
'Cause I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive
There were times when she'd be in so much pain from the headaches when she's be loopy and agitated because of the meds in her system. The meds helped but there were adverse affects, the steroids made her hormonal and angry. Her short attention span worked against her-she couldn't keep track of some things-one minute she'd be happy and teasing and the next she could be irritable, frustrated, lashing out on the nearest person.
And without fail they call on you...since Beca can't seem to calm down for anyone else.
This time you were paged because Beca had started throwing things (the food tray, anything within reach really) at the nurses.
"What is happening here?" you ask the cowering nurse who's ducked behind the bed.
"She didn't want me to give her medication." You glance at Beca, her face is turned away from you.
"It's okay I can take over from here..." The nurse glances furtively towards Beca, then quickly exits the room, still squatting-scuttling much like a crab.
You shouldn't be amused but you let a chuckle escape before you bite at your lip and turn your now serious face to Beca.
"Beca, hey what's wrong..." you ask, and you lean down, trying to establish eye contact.
Her face pinches up, her lip trembles for a moment. Your heart immediately constricts,
"I...hate it-here. I want to go-"
"Oh Becs where do you want to go?"
"Home." she says the word with such longing it makes you ache inside. And then she starts crying, full out crying with her tears are streaming down her face.
You take a sharp inhale...it hurts watching her hurting.
As she breaks down, so does the last remaining walls of defense holding you up, keeping you from doing what you vowed you wouldn't do-fall so completely head over heels for a patient. (But who were you trying to fool-that, this had been a long time coming.)
It wasn't just an attachment it was much stronger and deeper than that, almost like a devotion-you had vowed to get her better, to help her heal...
You didn't realize that now your duty extended far beyond just her physical ails...You reach across the wires, the tubes connected to her and wrap your arms as tight as you can(without disrupting the wires of hurting her) around Beca.
This is only the second time you've touched her without a medical purpose in mind. And at the back of your mind you can't help thinking it feels nice...it feels right. She fits there so well. It feels even more amazing as she squeezes back, returning the pressure, her arms encircling you, the weight of her head on your shoulder.
She'd always been small-but she feels much smaller, more fragile right now...her whole body's shaking her sobs coming from deep, deep within.
You're to involved in comforting her that you fail to hear the approaching footsteps.
"Beca, I heard you were refusing your medication-" You turn and you come face to face with Doctor Abernathy, the last person you wanted to catch you slipping, breaking professional ethic.
Both of you, your superior and yourself...freeze for a moment.
Her face gives away her displeasure but then she sighs...and moves past you to get to Beca.
"Beale-um..." she tilts her head then looks deliberately at your arms still wrapped around Beca,
"Oh! Beca I-" you say whilst untangling yourself from her, Beca groans protesting the movement...
"Beca we need to check your IV line...and test your blood" Doctor Abernathy says her tone light but her eyes are flashing at you,
You rub Beca's back a few more times before you completely step away...
"Chloe" she mumbles,
Your resident side steps, blocking Beca's line of vision, covering you...
"Okay, Miss Beca we'll just replace your fluid line..." Doctor Abernathy's saying, "and Beale" she says to you, not bothering to look back, "Get one of the nurses in here please."
"Yes sir! I mean yeah-" you exit the room quickly, you lean your back against the door...
Oh Shit that was so inconvenient...
One of the nurses Kori is stationed nearby, you call her attention requesting for her to come to the room.
Kori enters the room...and you wait outside by the doorway watching for a few minutes.
Seems like everything's fine here...
You're about to leave when Doctor Abernathy asks you to wait for her.
"I'm almost done" she says, putting the finishing touches on Beca's line then she stands up to leave not before she says goodbye to Beca.
"Okay let's go." she says to you once she exits, Beca looking at you from her bed, she looks sad but then your eyes meet and she smiles then raises her hand-in goodbye?
You do a little wave of your own and pull a little joking scared face. She shakes her head slowly.
"Beale!" your resident calls out to you, she'd already started walking ahead, you race to catch up to her.
You were going to get it now...
As you're walking down the hall you're waiting for the screaming, the scolding but she just talks to you like she normally talks to you about any other patient.
"She's showing a lot of progress despite her little mood swings, her behavioral set backs... Her therapists PT, OT, and her SLP have all cleared her to be discharged... "
"Wait what?" you ask,
You hadn't really been paying so close an attention...but you heard the last part loud and clear.
"Beca's being discharged tomorrow...I signed her discharge papers as well." your breathing speeds up really fast, your voice comes out strangled.
"They-No, no you just can't do that...I won't let you!"
"Excuse me!?" okay, It's the first time you've seen Doctor Gail Abernathy loose her cool, her eyes are furious, the vein in her forehead is throbbing.
It almost makes you step back and reevaluate your actions, but you don't, you push on...even though you know this could mean trouble for you.
"I'm sorry...with all due respect, but you made the wrong call."
You sound completely out of line to you as well but you can't quite stop yourself.
"Beale I'm warning you-"
"She has no place to go, where will she live...who will take care of her..."
You're behaving irrationally, you're shouting at your superior, you're contesting/protesting against standard procedure...You're pretty sure you will regret this later on.
"Please, what will happen to her?"
Whatever you were expecting Doctor Abernathy does the complete opposite. She visibly softens, her eyes are still wild but it's been toned down a bit
"She's being moved to one of the rehabilitation centers to continue her therapy with a more than capable staff...".She sounds calm when she explains, sounding almost understanding.
"But she needs me...she doesn't have anyone else."
"Watch yourself Beale...this isn't right, she's your patient...I think this has gone on long enough, I forbid you to ever go into that room again, you will not speak to her or even go see her off in the morning." her voice so soft, still cuts at you-it's a cold splash to your face.
"She needs me..." you say weakly, pathetically. Her eyes flash...but it isn't anger anymore that's causing it to do so.
Her voice is grave when she replies,
"Oh Chloe... Yes, she has become dependent on you, she had no choice. You have been a constant, supportive presence and you're the closest thing she has resembling a loved one... but you're not it. You, are her doctor...remember that. This patient is especially vulnerable-she's not even completely fixed yet...you're only confusing her. She can't even decide for herself what she wants or who she needs. And we don't get to decide that for her-at least, if it's not in the medical sense."
"You're officially off the case...go find Aubrey." her words final. Your breath slows...everything seems to freeze over (It was no use contesting her when she used that tone.)but you somehow keep moving, you follow her instructions you go and find Aubrey.
"Hey what's up...wait this is weird...it's like the first time I've seen you in days what's wrong with Beca?"
You look up into her eyes and your surprised to see the concern there...It's what makes you come undone...you start crying.
"Chloe Oh God you're really crying..um..okay."
You're trying to get a hold of yourself but you can't seem to, every second you seem to be just building up steam. One second you think you're almost done, but then you start up again.
After several moments of this, Aubrey finally snaps you out of it-more like-slaps you out of it.
"STOP CRYING" her voice is raised but her face is eerily calm, "Stop crying so you can tell me what's wrong so I can fix it."
"You don't slap an inconsolable patient..."
"Well it still worked, didn't it?"
"You always did suck at Patient care."
"I'm a surgeon not a nanny..so what spill, did she-is she dead?"
"NO! What the hell do you always have to assume the worst in every situation?"
"Sorry the way you were crying..it was like someone died...okay what is it then?"
"She's being discharged tomorrow they'll be transferring her to a rehabilitation center."
"Wait, that's good news.." you raise your face to hers and she backtracks, "-Or not...why isn't it good news. It only means she's one step closer to rejoining society, to going back to her old life...she's better Chloe...isn't this what you wanted?"
"She's leaving...how can that be what I wanted?" you say, the tears making you sound all whiny. Aubrey's face finally clears and then she closes her eyes raising her hand to massage her temple,
"Chloe...tell me you didn't"
"I-"
"Tell me you don't have feelings for that girl, for your freaking patient..." her voice is low but you can see and hear the supreme effort behind it in keeping it so.
"Beca's not just some girl.."
"Argh! What is wrong with you.." she splutters, throwing up her hands into the air "Do you not know the gravity of- Do you know of any situation were this could end up well for anyone. Didn't you watch Grey's where was the happy ending for Izzie and Denny, with Teddy and Henry...or even Alex and Ava?"
"That whole show is full of relationships that failed to work, not just between Doctors and patients...and that wasn't what was being shown...that wasn't the point...the important part was that it showed how when two people fought to stay together no matter all the shit getting in the way they would eventually have a happy ending. Look at MerDer, look at Calzona...and seriously you can't keep bringing up the couples who got separated because their better half died, or they both died...that whole show is about people dying and that is a reality especially in our line of work but I just want to focus on the living and making the most out of it..."
"Wait wow how'd we go from talking about you to suddenly experiencing a real life episode of Grey's Anatomy complete with a Voice over..."
"Yeah sorry I think I got carried away there...but right I'm definitely Meredith."
"Yeah crushing on the wrong people...Married men...Patients...Ow" she rubs at the spot you pinched,
"And your Christina Yang, unfeeling, crazy, unable to keep a guy..." you bite back and she smacks your arm,
"I'd take offense if that weren't so true, you know me so well it's crazy."
"If I was Meredith Grey and this was an episode... now would be the time that some weird fated twist would happen...like for example some dude would turn up on an elevator claiming to be Beca's person or whatever..."
"Oooh that's a good but let's make it more dramatic, he'd been searching for her all this time but Beca's actually been keeping under the radar deliberately throwing off peoples attempts at looking for her..."
"What do you mean like she's lying about not being able to remember stuff..."
"Cool right?"
"Yeah..."
*Ding*
"Is she here? Is there a Beca Mitchell here?" your eyes follow the male's voice, standing at the information desk. You exchange glances with Aubrey,
No way she mouths,
"We're not even sure her surname is Mitchell." you mutter to Aubrey, and you both surreptitiously inch forward...wanting to hear more.
"She was in an accident almost a month ago, she got hit by a car..." okay no way it could be anyone else,
You approach the desk, you nod at Bertha a signal to say you would take over, "Sir we couldn't help overhearing-" Aubrey bites her lip to keep herself from laughing, you nudge her, "we may have the information you need, if you could maybe provide us with some yourself."
"Okay, anything I can do to help."
"Can you describe this Beca Mitchell..."
"I can do you one better I have a picture..." he says, taking out one from one of the slots in his wallet, "this one was from Christmas just last year."
You look at the face in the photo, it can't be mistaken for anyone else...it was Beca, not necessarily the Beca that you know but it was her or at least a version of her. The real her, you correct yourself.
This one had a sarcastic little smirk of a smile, her eyes were dark (it wasn't just the thick eye make-up covering it), and she had shoulder length hair(you almost forgot how she looked like with long hair)pulled into a half-pony. She was wearing a checkered shirt and had a pair of earphones around her neck-well, besides the arm of this guy(You should really ask for his name first)one of his arms hanging around her neck the other around her waist their bodies pressed close to each other. They look like a happy, been-together-since-college kind of couple-they even have matching rings. They're smiling faces his mid laugh-hers smirking are frozen in time staring lovingly into each others eyes.
"What took you so long to-wait, first what's your name?"
"I'm Jesse Swanson I'm Beca's-" you cut across him, you don't really want to hear the B- word or the F-word or even the H- aloud.
"How could you miss that someone you love's been gone for three weeks..."
"Lemme explain-truthfully I only found out cos I just got back from Thailand... " Beca's here trying to relearn how to speak, how to walk again, and he's having fun vacationing in Thailand?
You want to reserve judgement but seriously what an ass, definitely not deserving enough of Beca.
"We fought before I left, so I didn't think it was weird that she hadn't been returning my calls but then I heard that she hadn't been reporting to work and that's when I started to get worried. "
"What's her line of work?" you ask curious despite yourself,
"She's always loved music particularly mixing tracks, she was a DJ a good one too, but she gave up her dream for a regular job so she could... you know pay the bills."
"So I guess you really want to see her, you came right in the nick of time she was-is going to be discharged early tomorrow morning..."
"Visiting hours aren't over?" he asks,
"We'll make an exception..."
"You always do with her..." Aubrey says, you don't deign to even bother replying to that.
You lead the way to Beca's room, you maintain your calm face even though inside you're totally freaking out...only until you get to the door do you remember what your resident had expressly told you.
"I can't go in..." you mutter to Aubrey, but aloud you say, "Mr. Swanson you can go in, We'll give you privacy..."
"Chloe? " Beca calls out, having been alerted by your voice, "Hey why are you hiding their outside?" she asks,
You look right and left for any sign of you resident before you move to the doorway(technically you weren't in the room, and you hadn't spoken to Beca so you weren't breaking rules.
You tap Aubrey and whisper your message to her.
"Beca we want you to meet somebody, he's someone from your past..." they usher Jesse in the room, Beca's mouth drops open... You're not sure whether to say SUCCESS! or Shit she remembers him!
"This is Jesse..."
"Becs...it's me." Jesse says, approaching her... Beca's face twists up, she backs away from him fast,
NO no no no noooo! she starts yelling, the Nurses rush in to check what happened.
Beca's trembling, her body leaning as far as it can from Jesse.
"Maybe you should just take it slow...don't initiate touching yet-" Jesse pays you no heed. He still tries to approach her and Beca's leg moves quickly, without difficulty (she should be proud) and kicks him away, her foot landing hard, smack on his boy parts.
The nurses rush to Jesse's side to help him up.
"Um this might have been a bad idea." you comment- to the agreement of everyone in the room.
"You think?" Aubrey mutters...
"Well I did warn him..." you whisper back.
"Too bad he didn't hear it huh?" Aubrey says giving you a look. The both of you watch as the nurses usher a winded, purple-faced Jesse out
"Can you give us a minute please...Aubrey can you warn me if Boss Lady comes by okay-don't wait until she's up close, alert me as soon as you see her.
You enter the room and you find Beca with her hands covering her face.
"So it's safe to say that you don't remember him..." you comment a bit stupidly, at least it works Beca brings down her hands...and looks at you long and hard.
"Well this guy...her's your, your...anyway he's here for you he's your person...he'll be the one to take care of you now." once the words are out of your mouth, you are smacked with the reality of the situation. You don't know how you keep up the conversation when your minds buzzing with your own thoughts.
"What do you mean?"
"You don't know that you're getting discharged tomorrow?" She was leaving-she had to go.
"I do, I just-why does he have to take care of me... why can't you?"
"'Cos you won't be in this hospital's care anymore..." What Chloe, did you think you could hold her-keep her there with you forever?
"But I thought we...I thought that-" You close your eyes...she didn't have to say it aloud, you wanted that too.
You were wrong, this was wrong...this was the absolutely worse time to be selfish. You can't be especially not with her.
You can't believe you let it happen again..you fell for someone you knew you couldn't have, someone that would never truly belong to you.
"That what I'd follow you to that Rehab center to keep watch on you...I'm a Surgical Intern...I'm a Doctor I have other patients... patients like you who need me here in the Hospital and you have Jesse now."
" I don't know anything about this Jesse, he could be a serial killer or something..."
"He's not...he seems pretty decent, maybe a bit neglectful but I'm sure he can remedy that-he'll have to if he thinks he'll be able to take care of you."
"He could be making this up, what proof does he have that I'm this Beca Mitchell..."
"This..." you say taking out the photo that you still kept in your hand, she peers at it her head furrowed in concentration.
When she talks again, her voice wavers, you look up to find that her eye's are watery...
"I don't want to-I mean I can't remember anyone or anything from the past not one detail...I don't know anything about myself, I don't even recognize this girl. I can see that she's- that I'm happy in this photo but I don't know why. I don't know why I wore that heinous plad shirt or why I wanted to look like a raccoon...Or why I have so may ear piercings...I'm trying so hard to remember...but I can't..."
"but until now I didn't care...I was content...remembering, having one thing in my head."
"and what was that?" you ask, your eyes once again are being sucked into hers. You're waiting but somehow, you already know.
"I think the right word the right question is who..."
"You're the only thing I know, the one thing that I wish to keep discovering new things about...My heads an empty space ready for new memories and my heart it's already full of you."
Your eyes close wanting to hold that confession, this moment forever...
You open them once again and Beca's standing right in front of you, her face is leaning closer and closer to yours...Your eyes follow her lips at they part, her tongue peeking out, you fell her breath against your face and you almost give in, It would be so easy to meet her half-way to press your lips into hers and to experience your connection in an entirely different way but then a flashback stops you...
Beca all bloodied up reaching for your hand, asking for your help trusting you, her Doctor, to fix her...
Maybe Beca was imagining, even thinking that her trust in you, her gratitude towards you was so much more...
Maybe you were just feeling lonely and bitter over your many failed relationships that's why you found someone more broken than you to attach to.
Nothing would come out of this, nothing but disappointment and inevitable heartbreak for the both of you. Better make a clean break now...they were right Beca wasn't in the right mind just yet, she did need to heal, she needed to heal somewhere far away from you.
"No. We can't" you gently push her away, just because you can't really find it in you to move away yourself.
"Why not?" her voice thugs at your heart, but you resolve to stay strong.
"Because...you're still my patient..."
"So we'll wait until after I get discharged then." she answers, like it was that simple.
"No Beca...you have Jesse, he loves you, he came rushing back as soon as he found out you were here."
"He only came back from Thailand after he had heard I was okay...he wasn't here for the hard part, you were."
She was being so difficult, making it so much harder for you. But wait...something about what she said had just struck you...
"Beca...How did you know he was in Thailand...I don't think I mentioned it..."
Her eyebrows come together, her eyes widen...
"I don't- It just jumped out right now...I guess his being here kick-started my memories...it's a good thing right?" she answers breathlessly,
This was so much harder than you thought, you calculate your words...this has to be the end...you need to end this here...If you had any hope of saving yourself it had to be...
"Don't you see, you have to be with your family, with your loved ones to truly heal...You're going to go home with him tomorrow." Your heart's in your throat, you feel the hotness behind your own eyes but you keep your face neutral,
"What if I don't want to go with him?" Stop being so difficult this was hard enough for you as it is
"You can't not go with him...his story checks out and your his-responsibility now. He's the one who's going to take you to the center..."
"He's late, but what counts is that...he's here now. He''ll be there for you through everything else to make up for everything he missed... and slowly but surely you'll both pick up where you left of..."
It hurts to breathe, like something heavy was sitting on your chest...but you still get it out,"And you'll be fine, you always are...you don't need me, you never needed me to be."
"But Chloe I love you." there she said it...you wish she hadn't, now she can't take it back and you can't pretend it hadn't happened.
"You don't love me...whatever this is or was between us...it was purely profe-" you can't get it out-you stop again the words melting to acid in your tongue," It was brought about by the situation that we were in..."
You never knew how good you were at lying to yourself until now, how much your mask was no longer a mask but rather it was now a part of you.
"Chloe-" her voice is weakened sounding like a half-gasp,
"I already said NO alright it' not going to happen-Beca? Beca?" a moment ago her eyes were charged, an electric blue- but now you're faced again with white...
Your arms immediately encircle around her holding her up and it's a slow slide, you make sure you get her-gently lay her on the floor, then you run quickly press the button to alert the nurses.
"Ohmygod what did you do to her?" Aubrey's the first one in.
Oh god, oh god oh god
"Nothing! I'm freaking out...why do you think she keeps seizing-" you're racking your brain, but her vitals were normal-everything was okay...oh god who were you kidding No this is your fault you caused her to seize...
Your nerves are frayed, you feel like bursting into tears...
"Well it's not eclampsia...or wait is she pregnant?"
"You're not being helpful...you think it's still an after effect of the subdural hematoma? An aneurysm?" you blubber,
"Why is the patient out of bed?" Nurse Kori asks, moving past you to Beca, two burly guys follow to pick Beca of the floor to move her back to her bed.
You don't get to answer at all before Doctor Gail does turn up-you straighten up...Her eyes take in everything happening in the room, then they land on you...
"Beale what did I tell you...you are already walking on a thin line as it is. Get out of here or you're out of this program!"
"Chloe Just Go!" Aubrey says, physically having to shake you when you don't move-you look into her concerned, desperate eyes...
"Aubrey..." you don't need to say more, Aubrey nods-she'll take care of it-you step out forced to watch through the glass-within minutes Beca stops convulsing.
Doctor Gail steps away from her only to instruct the nurses to lower the blinds and to close the door on you, her disappointed face-her eyes stay on you as the door closes.
You lean your head against the door, closing your eyes, trying to contain everything, you whisper your farewell...I'm sorry Beca, sorry it had to end this way.
You won't be seeing Beca anymore, After this debacle Doctor Gail would definitely see to that.
At that thought-the straw that broke the camel's back- you start crying
6 am. Two hours to go till Beca gets discharged.
You try to remain busy, try to keep her out of your thoughts...but your trying was half-hearted...your eyes would constantly look to the clock, your thoughts would drift back to Beca...stilling your actions.
"What is this visit Beca Mitchell day or something..."Aubrey asks when you pass her on the way from finishing rounds, bringing her up this time-summoning her up from your thoughts-like you needed another excuse to think about her.
"What why?" you stop to ask,
"There have been some reporters swarming now that our girl's got an identity-they all want to interview her and her ahem family members...wanting to know the whole beautiful story behind finding each other again-" Aubrey comments offhandedly,
The both of you are standing at the nurses station-directly across Beca's room...
You wonder is she awake yet, was she all set to leave? Did she have her favorite pressure ball with her(the blue pliable dough one), And more importantly did she feel ready to step back into her old-new life?
You are sure she's feeling overwhelmed with all this attention...
"Also...Mr Perks is here..."
"What why?" you say again, your tone much harder. Aubrey chooses to disregard it and prattles on,
You appreciate her telling you this, but what was she getting at?
"He had a follow up to check how his nose was mending, also he- uh-asked me if he could see her before she left..." here her voice turns a little tentative, apprehensive.
"And what did you say, did you refuse him cos' no way in hell will he be allowed to see her- yeah you should've answered 'No way in hell!' Where is he I'll tell it myself..." you say semi-serious, you look to Aubrey to share one of those wry laughter's you sometimes shared when indulging in inappropriate, dark-humor that working in such an environment warranted.
"No, I-I let him talk to her..." she says, awaiting the blow-up that was going to come-she needn't have waited too long.
"What the Hell! Beca's still not ready to face that man!" Aubrey winces a bit before she bites back,
"You're not in the position to say that any longer...I'm her doctor..."
"Okay fine-fair point, but did you at least ask her first or did you-"
"She agreed, Chloe...she's the one who wanted to speak to him. She's talking to him right now..."
You're walking, pushing past Aubrey headed towards the room...
"Chloe! Doctor Gail said you can't!" Aubrey says heatedly its still in a whisper(she doesn't want you to get in trouble)
You creep closer, Thank God the door was ajar..you can hear traces of words drifting out.
"I keep replaying everything that happened that day, I can't escape it-It still follows me in my sleep...at first I thought that it was me being guilty, wondering if I could've done something different...if I missed something...but what I realized...that it wasn't me- that I'm innocent. I was wide awake at that time-I remember it was clear, it was green there was nothing and no one there, you were on the sidewalk a few seconds before...and then I saw you- I'm sure of it...you jumped out in front of my car..."
You burst into the room, your eyes track across the room, Mr. Perks sitting on your usual seat leaning towards Beca, but that's not what propels your forward- the image of Beca's all curled up, hunched over sobbing into her arms is what makes you move, to (with surprising strength) pick up Mr Perks and push him across the room.
"Chloe don't!" Aubrey says, moving to shield him from you.
"Where do you get off saying that? You hit her and you have the gall to blame it on her, you didn't seem to think it was her fault when you ran away from the crime scene." you sneer, Mr. Perks eyes tear up, he looks truly pathetic crumpling to the ground.
"I was scared alright? I knew how it would look...I had one drink-one drink, a cosmo, before I left my ex-wife's house-warming party because I was so fed up by the way she kept flaunting everything about her new life without me...I was driving around with the excuse of getting more snacks and alcohol but really I was trying to let off some steam before I would be forced to go back in to say my farewells...I had two bottles of vodka, one I opened and only took a single sip of- in the front seat..."
"I don't buy your pathetic sob story..." you say coldly,
"Chloe-He's telling the truth..." Beca's voice calls, and it stops you...You look at Beca and her eyes are clear, her face sure...
"I'm really, really sorry..."
She remembers? She remembers...She didn't have to tell you, you remember what struck you as odd the other day, Not just the other day-for a while now...what had been bothering you-niggling at the back of your mind-how she sounded so sure of herself sometimes...
"Can you please get him out of here..." you whisper weakly, your eyes still locked with Beca's
"Chloe you have to-" Aubrey starts to insist,
"Please Bree, can you get him out of here?" you plead turning to her, asking desperately-she doesn't truly understand...but maybe she read it in your eyes, how much you needed to talk this over with Beca.
"I'll make sure you have fifteen minutes undisturbed...the most I can keep Doctor Abernathy away-just fifteen mind you...so make it count."
And I can't pretend that I don't see this
It's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
"You do remember don't you...for how long have you had full control of your memory..."
"Two weeks now, It's been coming back, not all at once though-but it's there...I know stuff now..."
"So all the stuff you said-all this time...What else have you been lying about?"
Her eyes close her breathing turns labored, you want to feel sorry for her but right now you just feel a little betrayed and severely confused.
"So tell me...how is it not an accident?"
She takes a deep breath and begins to tell you the truth- everything.
'Cause I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive
"He was right I jumped in front of that car...I was so sick of my life...so unhappy..I wanted it all to end. I wanted to die...and then I didn't...I woke up...I shouldn't have woken up..."
"Why did you do this... why'd you- lie-WHY?" you can't ask it enough times, somehow you know she doesn't know the real answer herself.
So you give up every chance you get
Just to feel new again
"My life is total crap, it has no meaning...I wanted an escape, to be someone else...this gave me a new start...at first I thought that all the pain, that hardship well it served me right I deserved to suffer...a retribution for all my sins... "
I think we have an emergency
I think we have an emergency
"And I never knew that somewhere along the way-from some such a shitty event that you would come along-you, Chloe, who wouldn't give up on me, you who wouldn't let me give up on myself...and little by little I started believing that maybe there was something no, someone worth living for... later on I thought I owed it to whoever spared me up there-that I owed it to you, If I worked hard at it I could maybe earn-or be worthy of this new life...I'd be better in this new life, I'd be better for you..."
And you do your best to show me love
But you don't know what love is
So are you listening?
So are you watching me?
And I can't pretend that I don't see this
"Being here is the happiest I've been in a long time-far away from the dead-end clerical work at that firm, far from the father who hasn't acknowledged my existence ever since I came out as a bisexual, which thinking about it wasn't such a major change ever since my Mom died he could barely stand to look at me. From Jesse who's own dreams are coming true while I'm stuck just being me... Beca Mitchell a jealous, angry, dissatisfied, and now practically infirm has-been at twenty-three. I had no one...I was no one...even at this hospital I was only a hit and run case, until you saw me-really saw me..."
"You were the first person who stopped to talk, to really talk to me who actually listened to what I had to say..."
It's really not your fault
When no one cares to talk about it
To talk about it
The whole time you feel a whirlwind of emotions of loss and longing, of pity and heartbreak for Beca...she must've been really lonely, truly desperate to feel like she had no place to go, to throw herself at a moving vehicle to want it all to end-and for after to have no where else to be accepted than in a hospital.
Your eyes-wonder to the clock- it's a habit, and you can't believe that the fifteen minutes are almost up, you have mere seconds before you would have to go, before Doctor Gail would be checking in on Beca.
"We don't have enough time...I need to tell you something..." you say hurriedly, you need for these last words to be meaningful-
She had to leave, she had to do this own her own and yet you still want to leave her with something, anything to hold on to-so you know she won't forget you.
"I can always visit..." she tries to say but you cut across her.
"No, no you can't and you won't...promise me you won't..."
"Why not?" she asks, sounding so fragile begging for you to keep her whole...you still yourself against your normal response of tending to her, you can't and you won't.
"Just listen okay, it's important...You can never be just you...you will always be so much more than what you think yourself to be," you'll always be so much more to me, you think.
"You are a very talented, beautiful, truly amazing individual. You are the most resilient, inspiring person I know...even after finding out-being informed of the truth...I still admire you more so now, that I know how much you've suffered, how much you've lost and gained to get where you are now. And I believe that you are better so much better, but...you aren't truly-fully healed yet... and you don't know how much I want to be there for you, to help carry the weight along the way-to hold your hand..."
"So why don't you?" she asks reproachful,
"Because Beca...I can't be the one to take you away from all of it-I'm not your excuse, your escape from reality. I can't keep being the one who remedies all your problems, you can't keep running from them...It has to be you who faces them...please you have to be strong enough to face them, I don't want to pretend that I know how much you've suffered, but it shouldn't be up to me- it shouldn't have been for me but for yourself...you should've loved yourself enough to want to live..." you say its a desperate tone, convincing-you're not sure who it's meant for; yourself or her.
You can hear Aubrey's voice raised slightly above normal trying to alert you to leave,
"Doctor Abernathy, Hi hello, can you please go over this chart-"
"Do I need to go over it right now Posen, I have to check up on Beca-" Beca and you pause, your breath's caught in your chest.
"Yes, now right Now!"
"Alright, no need to get excited..." you finally let out the air, but you don't feel relieved not at all, there wasn't any time left.
"Chloe-when will I see you again?" Beca asks her eyes wet, her voice hoarse, you imagine the same longing is written so plainly across the both of your faces.
"I don't know, I just...we can't right now...can you just do something for me?" you say, swallowing that hard lump in your throat...(it isn't nodes, this was infinitely more painful)
"Anything." she says fervently,
"I want you to go out and live...you were right... this is your second chance, just take it and go on, do some amazing things that we both know that you're capable of...No wait, get better first but then after okay?"
The two of you laugh a bit, and you don't know why it hurts all the more-why laughing could cos such a twist in you gut.
"Okay...I can do that." she says, brushing at her face. You don't go near her, you don't want to hug her goodbye...It's a self-preservation thing...you back-away.
You can't hold her and then let her slip through your fingers...it was better not to hold on at all, to just walk away.
"Bye-Beca Mitchell, it had been-a truly amazing honor to know you..." you say as steady as you can, before you turn away from her the last glimpse of the girl you had fallen for; gazing after you, begging for you to stop.
"Oh Chloe, you're the only one who truly knows me..." you hear her call out after you, you stop at the doorway- battling with yourself-you could give in turn around, run to her, kiss her, say to hell with all of them. But then you keep walking...you had to be strong so that Beca too could be.
Your strength lasts only until you turn the corner just as Doctor Abernathy finishes checking the charts,
"Sorry" you say moving quickly past her, then you run, run until you get to the on-call room and then only then do you get to sob your heart out.
'Cause I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive
She keeps her promise and doesn't visit, doesn't contact you. (was it selfish to wish she'd give in and break the promise?)
It takes a whole week to go into the hospital without wanting to cry.
It takes a whole month before you stop unconsciously passing by her old room.
It takes two more months before you can smile genuinely, converse gamely with your patients...
It takes a whole year to decide to leave the surgery program that you want to specialize in pediatrics.
It was the best decision you've ever made, you've never been happier. You were surrounded by such lightness, the joy of helping the tiny humans...the one's who you could help, who were still untarnished, still free from the pull of reality...It was a very welcome distraction from your own.
You're still in the same hospital just a different department, but you still see Aubrey and your friends during lunch hour, you still eat together...
"How're you today?" Aubrey asks without fail, even though it's been a while since you've had an episode (what she calls a crying fit akin or worthy of Grey's Anatomy drama)
"Fine-how's the surgeries?"
"Amazing."She sighs dreamily, which makes you laugh, Aubrey was happy and content with what she was doing and so were you...
well you were getting there...one day at a time.
These scars, they will not fade away
Another year later...
You have a pretty lax day, well Pediatric Internship was pretty lax compared to Surgery in general but today you found yourself pretty bored, with nothing to do (having already accomplished your tasks the hour before) you find yourself back at the old floor-the surgery floor...
You look around and you're glad the sight of Beca's old room no longer gives you this sad pang in your stomach, this heavy feeling in your heart.
You wonder inside, you pick up the chart...you felt pretty random, you felt like talking to someone, right now...
"Miss Anna?" you ask reading from the charts, 60 year old, brought in for a Mitral valve replacement.
"Chloe?" wait-what? you glance up your heat pounding how did she-
Your heart jolts Beca?
Beca was sitting on the bed right now..."Beca?" you sound incredulous even to yourself.
"Are you alright dear?" You shake your head and rub at your eyes, just a second ago the brunette lady had looked uncannily like Beca-but the eyes are off not Beca's blue but still a dark enough hue to be similar...Her hair was also a similar shade...but it obviously wasn't her...Chloe snap out of it.
"How did you know my name?" you ask once you've recovered...
"It's on your shirt dear..." You slap a hand to your head, Oh yeah you were wearing that shirt with your name stitched in with little cartoon surrounding it- you thought the kids would like it.
"But are you okay?"
"Sorry I thought I was losing it for a moment there, you reminded me of someone I haven't seen in a long time..."
"Long day?" she asks sounding sympathetic.
"No not at all-it's a rather slow one actually..." you back away, oh god what were you thinking coming here again, "I'm sorry I came I um just wanted to check in-and you're doing fine...so I'll just go..."
"Well good luck with that...and Chloe-" she calls back and you turn for her like you didn't for Beca, "You better see that friend of your's. It seems that's what your subconscious is trying to tell you- I may not be a doctor but-trust me, if I didn't listen to what my body was telling me, or to put it more aptly-what my heart was telling me...It would've been too late for me...I would have lost everything, I would've been lost. And I would've left everything, everyone behind...What I've learned is that you should live and love Chloe, what's the point of all this if you can't live to love."
In a beat you're across the room and hugging the lady..."Thanks" you whisper before quickly letting go. She looks taken aback but she smiles,
"You're welcome I think? I think you should go rest it out dear..." she says patting your back slowly,
"I can't I have to go find Beca!" you say over shoulder before you start running-running all the way to Aubrey who refers you to a friend (not without an eye roll "I knew you weren't over her)who then gives you information on the location of the rehabilitation center Beca had gone to.
No one cares to talk about it, talk about it
'Cause I've seen love die way too many times
When it deserved to be alive
I've seen you cry way too many times
When you deserve to be alive, alive
"We can't give out information on our patients..." The giant man(he could've been a bouncer) behind the information counter's saying. That's the only words you've gotten out of him so far.
"So she's still a patient-she still comes here, that's all you need to answer...or nod or something!"
"She's no longer a patient-" he says, okay, there was a slight variation to his answer but you're hoping he can do better than that.
"So what's the problem...I just, I'm her former Doctor alright-I need to know how she is-is she doing better, is she okay?"
"I'm sorry Miss Beale but we can't-" he says more forceful now, but then he stops-
Then the littlest voice drifts up from behind you
"I'm all better now." you know that voice, this voice still haunts you when you sleep. So you don't know what was it doing right now-bothering you in the middle of the day,
You're taking in sharp breaths, you better be careful you don't want to trigger your old asthma.
You feel a tap to your shoulder, okay it wasn't a dream-but you're still trying to delay the moment...too scared to see-scared to hope that this was-is real that Beca is right there again...
And then she's turning you to her, and it's like everything just leaves your body...
Beca you breathe out, the strength behind your words have disappeared as well. You want to reach out, to hold her to you-but you're numb just taking her in...she looks perfect. She's standing tall, she doesn't even have that slight limp anymore, everything has changed-so much has changed you've both changed but...this...looking into her eyes...feeling her hand taking yours...this was something that never would.
"Henry it's alright. She's a friend." she says, He nods at you his arms still crossed.
She leads you, gives you a tour around the center the whole time updating you, telling you of her life...the changes that had happened in the two years. She was no longer was a patient but she volunteered her time whenever she could. Her real career-get this-was as a regular DJ in one of LA's hottest clubs (you knew of it even though you didn't get out much). Also she'd been offered a record deal, she'd been signed by the same people who handled David Guetta.
She mentions Jesse briefly...it's enough to remind you of his presence, his constant role in her life.
She talks directly without stumbling over her words, without pausing to think of the right ones to fill the sentence. She's truly fixed- whole in the greatest sense, filled with a confident commanding presence you weren't used to seeing-maybe that was why you barely said a word.
Or maybe because it felt like you had succeeded to such a point that she had gone on and had gotten better without you-so much so that she no longer needed you.
You can't help feeling that you were too late.
You give your own quick update on your own life, because she seems to be genuinely interested. You hardly know why-it was pretty boring compared to what she was now accomplishing.
"So there that's me-it's no gigantic music career but I'm happy you know?"
"Yeah, I'm just happy your happy..." The two of you smile at each other, and all is silent for a while-you revel in this familiar comfort...sitting side by side-her hands just there...and you don't know why- now of all times-are you scared to just reach out and touch your fingers to hers...to just take that knowledge home with you; that she existed in a world out of your own imaginings.
The two of you are outside now, on the park benches overlooking the beach. This would be the ideal scenery for two lovers to get together and kiss-but wait this is a rehab center-you don't think that's the patients priority...
You shouldn't think about kissing her now, but you can't help it...not when she's so close, not with the way she looks in the setting sun, so very radiant. How her eyes shine, twinkle, her smile's wide (you'd like to think it was just for you)how a tendril of her hair keeps being blown out of place-you yearn to tuck it behind her ear.
Her lips so soft you just want to...
You're not sure what's going on, what's in the air, but it seems Beca seems to feel it too-she catches you staring and there you both go leaning towards each other-her eyes burning into yours, but on her part there's no hesitation when she leans in making the last important step, and kisses you.
It's a kiss of contradictions;soft yet hard, rough but so very gentle, it's hot and it's sweet, slow and it feels like it's happening all too fast,
And your heart feels so full it might burst, she's really good at this...how come you never thought to ask her, to try it before-
She cups your cheek gently, but her lips move against yours with such a passion, and it's there still the longing-two years worth of it being translated through your lips, your tongues-amongst nipping, tasting, gasps, groans and moans...till finally you pull away gasping for air.
Her face is red, her lips swollen-you want to lean in and continue kissing her-with how delicious she looks she deserves to be kissed and often but she speaks,
"I've sorted my shit out...it's been two years...I feel like I'm good-that I'm well enough, that i'm worthy of seeing you now...I want to be with you Chloe." she says more than asks. The two of you already know this, already know the answer-you don't kiss someone like that if you didn't want them back.
"What about Jesse?" you ask, trying to get over the last hurdle in your way of true happiness-you don't know what you're hoping for you can't stand the thought of breaking a happy couple up.
To your surprise she grins and kisses you short and sweet, it does, however temporarily, lift the weight of your chest.
"Jesse and I-haven't been romantically involved since that very brief period of time in college, he was the one bleep in my way-well actually he's what confirmed it-that I wanted women.." she explains easily before shaking her head.
Your mouth sort of drops open,
"Why didn't you tell me?" you sputter,
"You never asked-no you asked but you never listened to the answer. So that's-he was who you were worried about?" she laughs, she tries to stop herself but she can't seem too, her peals of laughter unknots everything in you-you laugh as well,
"Well that was a waste of time and energy, worrying over nothing..."
She sobers up after a bit, she takes your hand now-and you interlace them...
"So you have no excuse now..."
"What do you mean?"
"You have no excuse to not be truly happy-" she says seriously, you interrupt her.
"Hey! I am truly happy."
"Stop interrupting, I meant- with me" she says with a slight smile.
"Oh..."
"So will you allow yourself to be happy... with me?" she poses the question again, and now truly there wasn't anything in the way. Her gaze unwavering, holding yours, a little nervous- awaiting your answer.
"I never could be anything else." you say truthfully, and your mouths meet again for a kiss-the third of many.
"I'm never going to let you go..." you whisper moments after.
"So would it be too early to ask you to move in with me-or get married-or maybe just first and foremost come home with me?" she asks, smirking as you blush.
"All in good time, I'm not going anywhere..." you say, leaning on her shoulder-feeling her arms-encircling you, holding you to her, pressing a kiss to your forehead.
"I'm counting on it." she replies grinning cheekily.
You sigh happily.
The experience; knowing Beca loving her had broken you, but loving her would also serve to heal you, shape you to something you weren't before-not necessarily someone better, but someone changed, unafraid to live, unafraid to love.
Beca was right- you can't help envisioning things, feeling excited- this was just the beginning of your true happiness.
End
Sorry this wasn't a Never Know update, but I owed it to bechlo97 to finish this. I hope you guys enjoyed this!