Love Has A Diameter

by eden alice

Her smile is brittle, sad and stiff. He is scared to reply. Can Liam leave Carla of he never really had her?

Lyrics from Watch Over You by Alter Bridge.

Love Has A Diameter

She comes to him sometimes. Eyes serious and dark, barely saying a word because there are none that need saying, because there are words they have never been brave enough to say. She comes to him and makes the air crackle with intensity.

And it's like he is bare, like all the pretence and complications fall away like rose petals, like ink that won't dry or fade, it just runs wild through cracks and crevices, grooves and folds. And all that is left is an exposed truth that they rarely admit to themselves, a ragging id of lust and want, pain and fear, and he hopes maybe love.

She comes to him and he thinks she looks impossibly small, somehow both wounded and open yet formable and determined. It all makes him want to hold her ignoring the way she's made of sharp pieces, shrapnel waiting to pierce him open, but he could never refuse her.

And he kisses her, her full lips hard and wanting against his, she tastes of expensive wine and regret, she smells like rain. They have been here before and the delicious muscle memory of skin against skin is almost enough to break him. It can never be like it was before, he let her down and now she belongs to another man. The wedding ring on her slender finger is cool on his skin and his own ring suddenly feels too tight.

Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love

It is always her who pushes him onto the bed/floor/table and it should bother him. It does bother him after. Her body plays him till he hums and his eyes roll back into his head but her soul is safely tucked away. He thinks of that painful night when she told him she had never loved him, he was sure that she had lied but as they fuck he starts to feel tendrils of doubt. He misses the way she used to need him.

But why does she keep coming back?

She stops him holding her, stops any caress that burns under the weight of something more meaningful. He grasps her hips tightly as she rides him, pelvis grinding against his in a way that makes him see stars. Her hair falls in a dark curtain over narrow shoulders, her skin is luminescent in the half light glowing in a way that is all to ethereal. Her eyes are shut tightly and he wishes that she would open then and share what she is feeling.

She should be he's, body mind and soul; they fit in a way he never felt with Maria. He struggles to think of his wife as he fucks another woman in their bed. He hates Carla for turning him into the selfish man he never wanted to be.

He thinks she would gloat at how he bends to her manipulations. She turned him away when he would had given up everything for her, and now he lets her use him with barely a word in protest. She is a drug and when she finishes, dresses and leaves him his skin itches with withdrawal. He wants to prove to her that he won't hurt her anymore even when they both know he may not be able to uphold his silent promise.

I tried to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go

He owes it to everyone involved to try and fix this. He cannot turn her away so he tries to fix her with his love or something equally ridiculous, it is all he has got. He does not get very far. Tucked into a quiet corner behind the Rovers, rain threatening to fall from black clouds at any moment, he says her name between kisses and groping. Two loaded syllables made heavy.

"Carla"

She pulls away from him, stumbling like he had hit her. Eyes dulled with anger and her face all sharp tight angles.

"Don't, don't ever."

She leaves him then and he is terrified that he has lost her all together even if he never had her.

He watches her later, from his window, as she leaves the factory. He can hear Maria stirring a mug of tea in the kitchen. He stares as she fumbles in her bag for her car keys. She wears shiny stilettos so high they make him wince. She looks up hand held tightly around the silver shine of her keys and catches his gaze.

Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

The same stilettos bruise as they push against the insides of his knees, her legs rapped tightly around him, nails digging into his arse. She is hard and unforgiving. He knows she is punishing him; maybe that is what this is all about.

Her skin is hot and damp, sticking to the cotton sheets. He sometimes wishes Maria would notice the evidence Carla leaves behind. He wished his wife knew about this little dirty secret. Then maybe with it all out in the open he could drag Carla away before the dust settles.

He is in awe of this beautiful woman as his fingers trace her ribs. She has him on his knees.

"I hate what do to me."

Her voice is husky and controlled between gasps for breath. He freezes against her, tendons and muscles tight in his arms as he holds himself steady above her watching her expression. He had not expected this admission and he does not know what to do with it.

Her smile is brittle, sad and stiff. He is scared to reply. Somehow he knows if he was to push her she would shatter into a million pieces and he did not think she would be able to put herself back together.

For a long moment she is tense and still like an animal ready to flee or fight. He aches to feel her like this. Suddenly she was active her heart pounding against his chest. He can almost hear her blood rushing round her body. She pushes at his shoulders with a strength he did not know she possessed, in a rush to separate their limbs. Briefly he thinks that he likes the way her sleek smooth leg looks tangled with his, like he couldn't work out where she ended and he began.

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?

There was nothing more he wanted than to follow her as she diapered to the bathroom. The sound of retching makes his insides turn with shame. But at least he can still affect her. In some twisted way it still means she cares for him, it gives him power but maybe the only thing he can do with it is break her. So he lets her have her privacy.

When she returns from the bathroom, lips in a tight line and eyes watering he tries to touch her, to offer comfort. If only he could just simply hold her. If he could take her in his arms and shield her from this mess they keep creating. Then maybe she would know that it does not matter that she needs him because he does not want anything more than to be with her.

For a moment she lets herself lean against him excepting the shelter of his arms around her bare waist. He is home.

"Do you love me?"

He speaks quietly into the crook where her neck meets her shoulder, lips grazing her skin. He thinks about the way she looks at Tony and knows she does not love her husband. She looks at him and he can't breathe, he hopes, through all the pain, it means that she might love him.

She is tense again but she still tilts her head to allow him access to her neck like she can't bring herself to pull away. She turns in his arms with a sigh, her hair tickles his nose. Her eyes are closed as she speaks.

"Yes."

The admission seems to physically pain her and he finds himself supporting more of her weight. They are so close, yet so far apart. He leans in the remaining distance, manoeuvring gently, trying to match his lips to hers. She turns her head, trying to avoid his lips with small movements. After an agonizing moment their lips meet in a slow and brief kiss. He pulls back resting his forehead against hers, watching her closely.

"And what does that taste like?"

"Yesterday"

"How can I compete with that?

And when I'm gone
Who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?

He hears the whispers from Maria, who was told by Fizz, and Fizz heard it from Rosie. It is a ridiculous chain of gossip and he reacts like he does not care. But he hears about Carla and his heart spasms in his chest.

Rumor has it his ex sister-in-law is starting to fall apart. There had been overheard arguments between her and Tony, things broken. Rosie even caught the usually closed woman crying.

Maria delights at the trouble in paradise, she lays her hands over the gentle swell of her belly and he feels trapped. Her dislike for Carla causing her more vicious side to surface and she takes pleasure in her old rival's apparent unhappiness.

He does not hear his wife as he thinks about the times he has seen Carla across the packed pub. How she always has a drink in her hand, sitting quietly in a corner. How the way her eyes refuse to focus telling him she has had too much to drink and that when Tony kisses the top of her dark hair her eyes flash with pain.

He has kept his distance unable to see her married to another man after she cruelly told him she was using him. He had stayed away while she was in pain. A small spark inside is gleeful that he was right, that she would not be happy without him. Then there is the familiar guilt. How could he stop hurting those he loved the most?

He does not understand her motives for coming to him, why she never asked him for help. It was like she is trying to hurt herself before anyone else can.

I can't go on
And let you lose it all
It's more than I can take
Who'll ease your pain?
Ease your pain

Every time he tries to fix this his words just linger, rot and decay. She is beyond his help. He can not live like this, getting to touch her but never connecting. He can not watch her hurt anymore.

"There is no home! There is no one else! There is only you-"

He tells her this before she can unbutton his shirt, pleads at her with a sudden burst of anger and frustration. Pleads with her to give everything up and leave with him. Couldn't she see that he is even willing to give up his unborn child for her?

Her hair falls around her bowed head like a veil and while he has made himself vulnerable he is glad he can't see her expression.

"Carla…anywhere on the planet. You pick the place."

She glances up at him, face trying so hard to be blank but he is sure that he can see surprise.

"It's too late for that."

He has never heard her so resigned.

"It's not too late."

She shakes her head, her movements jerky and furious.

"No you're not listening to me. It's too late for me."

Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
Who'll watch over you?
Who will give you strength
When you're not strong?
Who'll watch over you
When I've gone away?

It was surprising easy to convince Maria to move far away, a new start for them and their child in glamorous London. Besides a few members of family, a couple of close friends there was no real reason to stay.

Maria already had secured a job and was planning her brother's first visit already. He tried to get caught up in her enthusiasm, it really was nice seeing her so happy, to know that he could make someone happy. He thinks that maybe part of her enthusiasm is finally getting away from Carla.

Their plans were not secret so Carla must have known but she seemed to stay away from the street. He occasionally caught a glimpse of her entering the factory. It was like seeing a ghost flicker in the corner of his eye.

He feels like he is betraying her, but she is not his wife and all he seems to do is hurt her more. It's just that he can not see how this could possibly end.

He stands passively and unhearing as Maria hugs her way around the crowed gathered to say farewell. All their belongings safely loaded into a rented van. He never realized that they had acquired so much I their life together. All he has of Carla are a few pictures and he can not look at them too long because they also feature his brother. They look so happy together and that is yet another reason for him to leave.

Panic sets in when he realizes Carla is not among the crowed. They had already said everything they possibly could but it did not stop his blood calling to her.

'This is the right decision' He repeats the words in a mantra, the only thing keeping him from trying to find her. This hurts like hell but it would be over soon and it hurts less than carrying on the way things were going.

He hopes she will find her way without him.

Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone