Headhunters

by LAHull

Mulder drags Scully to Disney World to prove his theory that the place is run by aliens.

Title: Headhunters
Author: Linda Hull
e-mail: LHull55962@aol.com

Disclaimer: FOX and 1013 Productions owns all;
no infringements on their rights is intended.


Summary: Mulder believes Disney World is run by Aliens.


Spoilers: Not really anything much.

Hey folks. I first posted this at Gossamer, but I'm looking for a new audience.
Its a story from the first season of The X-Files. Hope you like it.


Feedback: appreciated and answered: WriteNowLinda@aol.com

HEADHUNTERS

Prologue:

My name is Linda. I am a tour guide. It's in my blood, starting back in
the 1800's with my great-great-great grandfather who was part
Shoshone Indian. He led wagon trains across the deserts, plains and
mountains of the Old West. Sometimes he guided them through what
came to be known as Donner Pass, but no one in any of his groups
ever had to eat anyone else.

That golden age is over now. My job as a tour guide in Orlando is not
quite as dangerous or exciting, but I do get the opportunity to meet
people from all over the world. Sometimes it can be difficult. I often
deal with foreign travelers from Japan or Brazil who speak little or no
English. It can also be weird like the time I led a group of Elvis
impersonators through Sea World. Usually though I find it a rewarding
and generally pleasant way to make a living.

Last week came close to changing that.

I was given what appeared to be a routine assignment: deliver tickets
to a group staying at the Buena Vista Gardens Hotel and act as their
tour guide during their two day stay. Nothing unusual about that........



1
When I stepped through the elevator door on the 11th floor of the
Bueuna Vista Garden Hotel, the first thing I noticed was that the
hallway was quiet. Too quiet. And dark. Very dark, illuminated only by
a florescent tube flickering from a bad transformer at the end of the
corridor and an eerie blue glow that seemed to come from everywhere
and nowhere. I wondered for a moment if I had somehow walked into
a time/space shift and been transported to the Motel 6 on International
Drive. I walked warily down to room 115 and knocked on the door. I
heard a fair amount of rustling noise through the door, then a man's
voice called out, "Who is it?"

"I'm Linda, your FunTour representative," I answered.

The door jerked open. A hand reached out and grabbed me. Before I
could scream I was pulled into the darkened room and shoved into a
chair. A man in a dark suit holding a gun leaned over me. "Why have
you come here?" he demanded.

"I....I'm a tour guide," I stammered. "I came to deliver some attraction
tickets, but I think I have the wrong room."

"No," the man said, straightening up and putting away his gun. "You
have the right room." He switched on a lamp. "I'm Special Agent Fox
Mulder with the F.B.I.," he said and held an official-looking ID that
confirmed his statement front of my eyes. "Does anyone know you're
here?" he asked.

"Yes, of course," I answered. "Everyone at my office."

"Did anyone see you enter this hotel?" he asked, crossing to the
window and peeling back a corner of the curtain to peek out.

"There were dozens of people in the parking lot and the lobby," I
replied.

The man turned back to me. "Did you notice a man smoking a
cigarette?"

"Several. What is this all about?" I demanded.

"I'll ask the questions," he said as he walked back to stand in from of
me.

At that moment the door to the adjoining room opened. A
diminutive woman with red hair entered.

"I reported the defective hallway light to the front desk, Mulder." She
noticed me and said "Oh, you have company. Hello, I'm Dana Scully,
and you are...?"

The man glanced briefly over his shoulder to acknowledge her, then
continued to stare at me.

"She says she's our tour guide, Scully," he said and pulled a handful of
sunflower seeds out of his pocket then sat down in the chair opposite
mine.

With the lights on, the gun out of sight and a witness in the room, I was
beginning to feel a bit more confident and I got a better look at each of
them. They both appeared to be in their early thirties. The man was tall
and well-built with short brown hair combed straight back, moss-green
eyes and a slight overbite that I found oddly appealing. The woman's
strawberry-blonde hair was cut in a sleek, conservative pageboy that
accented her fair skin and blue eyes.

"I don't think I'm your tour guide," I said. "I am supposed to meet a
group from Washington DC."

"We're your group from Washington DC," Mulder replied.

"A group is a party of 10 or more. There are only two of you," I
pointed out.

"Two can be a group. It's more than one," Mulder argued, throwing
wet sunflower shells at the wastebasket.

"Two is a couple," I said.

"We are not a 'couple'" said Scully emphatically.

"Well, you're not a group either," I told her and stood up. "I am
supposed to meet and direct a group of tourists from Washington DC.
The leader's name is Bill Smith." I checked my clipboard to confirm.

"I'm Bill Smith," said Mulder.

"Bill Smith is the best you could come up with?" Scully asked him.

"I was in a hurry," he told her.

"You said your name is Fox Mulde. That's what she calls you,
and that's what your ID says."

"I'm under cover," he replied. "I told you, I'm with the F.B.I." He
showed me his I.D. again.

I looked at it again and said, "Yeah, right," not at all convinced.
"Anyone can buy one of those at a novelty store. I have one that says
I'm a Starfleet Officer on the USS Enterprise." I crossed my arms over
my clipboard and tried to look defiant. "I'm not giving these tickets to
anyone but Mr. Bill Smith."

"Does it say anything in your paperwork about a Dana Scully?"
asked the woman.

I checked my clipboard. "Yes, it does," I admitted.

The red-haired woman glanced askance at the tall man.

"How come only you get an alias? If you're Bill Smith, *I* can be
Paula Jones"

Then she showed me her I.D. It identified her as Dana Scully.

"My partner and I are with the F.B.I.. We are here under cover as
tourists to investigate some murders that took place in Mount Dora,"
she told me.

"Mount Dora?" I echoed. "Why are you staying in a hotel in Lake
Buena Vista?"

"Is Mount Dora far from here?" she asked.

"It's at least 90 minutes away," I answered.

"Great navigating, Magellan," she said, turning to Mulder. "You only
missed our target by about 60 miles!"

He was unimpressed by her irritation, and pulled another handful of
sunflower seeds and lint out of his coat pocket. "There are a few things
I'd like to look at down here, Scully," he told her.

"What things?" asked Scully.

Mulder didn't answer her, but turned to me. "Do you know this area
well?" he asked.

"Yes," I said. "I'm a Certified Central Florida Tour Guide."

"What things Mulder?" demanded Scully.

Still ignoring her, Mulder took my arm and guided me into a chair. He
sat down opposite me and leaned in close. "Can you be trusted?" he
asked me quietly.

"Yes." I said, becoming suddenly aware of how attractive he was.

"Mulder, answer me! What things?" persisted Scully, but now she
sounded very far away...

"Are you willing to risk you life for the security and well-being of this
nation?" Mulder asked me.

"Yes," I said, oblivious to the question I had been asked, knowing only
that I wanted to say "yes".

"I have a theory, Scully," Mulder said, turning suddenly from me to
look at her.

The spell was broken and the room came back into focus.

"Oh, God," I heard Scully say as she slapped her hand to her forehead.
"Mulder, we are here to investigate those antique shop murders," she
told him firmly.

"I know," he said. "The six murders where nothing was found of the
victims except the jewelry they had been wearing and a little pile of
dust with a 12th century ceremonial dagger sticking out of it."

"When you read that the remains were always found inside a circle of
lighted candles that could only be extinguished by pouring Sprite on
them you couldn't wait to get down here to check it out," she
reminded him.

"And we will," he said, "but there's something even more interesting
going on right here Scully. Just hear me out."

"I have got to take a painkiller first," said Scully, shaking her head.
She walked toward the door to her room. "Come on, Linda. Bring your
things. You're rooming with me."

I hesitated at first, wondering if this would be my best or only chance
to escape. Then I thought about the difficulties my great grandfather
had faced and felt ashamed that I would even think of giving up so
quickly. I picked up my travel bag and followed her.

"I'll order dinner," Mulder said to me as I neared the door. "Does pizza
sound good to you?"

"Sure," I said and went into Scully's room. I found her snapping the
cap back onto an extra-large bottle of Tylenol which she then held out
to me.

"No thanks, I'm fine," I said.

"Trust me," she said, still holding out the bottle. "It's going to be a long
night." She looked as if she knew what she was talking about.

I took two tablets from the bottle and said, "I'll wait and take them with
dinner. Agent Mulder is ordering pizza."

A look of horror swept over her face. "Noooo!" she screamed and bolted
through the door back into Mulder's room with me following right
behind.

We burst in just in time to hear Mulder say into the phone "OK, so
that's one large with pineapple, anchovies and BBQ sauce. Yes, that
will be all."

"No! Order a medium with pepperoni too!" cried Scully, looking to me
for approval. I nodded.

"Traditional is boring" Mulder said to her, shaking his head in dismay.
"Did you get that?", he asked into the phone. "OK thanks." He hung up
the phone, flopped onto the bed and began taking off his shoes. "That
will be $15.75, Scully," he told her.

"You're telling me this because......" prompted Scully.

"Because it's your turn to pay," answered Mulder, tossing his shoes at
his suitcase and working on his tie.

"Since when?" demanded Scully.

"Since I paid the last time," he answered as if speaking to a small child.
"At the highway rest stop."

"I stayed in the car. You gave me a sip of your soda and a stick of
gum!" she said, incredulously.

"You could have had something else."

"I didn't want anything else."

"But I would have bought you whatever you wanted because it was
my turn to pay. That's the point. It's not my fault you chose to forfeit,"
Mulder told her.

"That's not the point!" Scully sputtered. "The point is, why is it that
whenever it's my turn to pay it's $15.75, and when it's your turn to pay
it's $1.50! The last time it was your turn I wasn't even there!"

"Is that a point or a question Scully?" Mulder asked. "You're not
making sense." He stood up, took her by the shoulders and steered
her toward the chair. "You look tired, you should rest. If it will make
you feel better, I'll pay for the pizza."

Scully glared at him, but sat down.

Mulder went into the mini-kitchen and motioned for me to follow him.
"She can be a real bear if you get between her and a meal," he said
conspiratorially to me as he opened the mini-bar and looked inside.
"All right! Macadamia nuts," he exclaimed.

The pizza arrived, and Mulder paid as promised. Scully and I took the
medium box to the table and served ourselves with the paper plates
provided. Mulder took the large box himself, flopped onto the bed
with the pizza box in his lap and dug in. We watched fascinated and
revolted as he rolled a slice into a tube and shoved half of it into his
mouth in one bite.

"That is so disgusting," said Scully. "I can smell the anchovies all the
way over here."

"Are you sure it's the anchovies?" asked Mulder between bites.
"These socks are probably getting a bit ripe."

Scully picked the medium box and her soda. "Come on," she said to
me. "We'll eat in our room," and headed for the door.

"No, come back!" Mulder called. "You haven't heard my theory."

"No!" said Scully as she turned back. "I don't want to hear your theory,
Mulder. You always have some ridiculous idea about swamp monsters,
sewer men or aliens and lead us off on a pointless search for 'the truth'
that you insist is out there, only 'they' won't let you find it."

"The sewer man was real Scully. You saw him yourself." said Mulder
reproachfully. "I'll have to give you the swamp monster, but you and I
both know there are aliens living among us."

"So it's aliens again?" Scully asked skeptically.

"That would be my best guess. I'm not sure, but something is going on
here. It has long been rumored that when Walt Disney died, he had his
head cryogenically frozen and that it's being kept somewhere within
the Cinderella Castle at the Magic Kingdom. You are aware of this,
aren't you?" he asked me.

"Well, I've heard the rumor, but I don't know if it's true," I answered
cautiously.

"So what if it is?" said Scully. "That's not so unusual. The hope is to be
revived sometime in the future when our medical technology has
sufficiently advanced. Lots of people with money do that these days,
Mulder. That's not so strange."

"But what if the head isn't frozen?" asked Mulder. "What if they have
found some way to keep it alive and cognizant? What if this
disembodied head is in control of the Disney Corporation?"

"What if you just sit there while I call the men in white coats to come
and take you away?" answered Scully. "That is crazy, Mulder!"

"Hear me out, Scully. Disney had enough money to do anything he
wanted and he spared no expense. The technology used in these parks
has always been the best available on Earth. Everything they do here
works perfectly from the audio-animatronic characters to the crowd
control. Hell, even the gardening - every blade of grass is perfect here.
It's unnatural. It's ......inhuman."

"No," said Scully.

"Think about it Scully!"

"I don't want to think about it, Mulder."

"Walt Disney had access to the most advanced technology money
could buy, some of it could very well have been alien technology."

Scully put her hands over her ears and began chanting, "I'm not
listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening..."

Mulder pulled her hands down and held them at her sides. "I believe
that Walt Disney's head is being kept alive through the use of alien
technology, and it's in a control room located somewhere inside the
Cinderella Castle."

"Ok, Fine!" Scully managed to break herself free. "So even if his head
is alive, what is so terrible about that?"

"Well, I think the head is insane," answered Mulder.

Scully started to laugh. "Naturally," she said. "A side effect of being
severed from it's body and kept alive by alien technology."

"Right. And it gets worse," said Mulder.

"I'm sure it does," dead panned Scully.

"I think the head and the Disney Corporation are using the alien
technology to help them practice mind control on their employees and
the public."

"To what end?" asked Scully.

"In a bid to take over the planet. They are broadcasting subliminal
messages throughout all of their studio's movies and now that they own
ABC, even more people will fall under the influence of their mind
control. They can tell us what to buy, where to go, who to vote for...."

"Mind control?" Scully queried barely supressing a grin. "That's your
theory? Aliens are helping the Disney Corporation led by Walt
Disney's disembodied but very much alive head to take over the planet
by using mind control?"

"Yes."

"Mulder, do you come up with this stuff on your own, or is there a little
voice in your head that says 'Scully hasn't had a migraine in a long
time, let's give her one?'"

"It has to be mind control, Scully," said Mulder. "How else can you
explain the inanely cheerful attitudes of thousands of teenage
employees being paid $5.95 an hour to stand in the hot sun all day long
wearing silly costumes and big grins? What about the millions of
people that scrimp and save all year to pay forty dollars a day to get in
to a place that charges three dollars for a bottle of water, stand in line
for an hour and a half in 95 degree heat to be spun around in a giant tea
cup for exactly 45 seconds, then get in another line and wait for two
hours to ride a tiny boat through a pastel colored room filled with
ethnically dressed dolls that shriek 'It's A Small World' at them in 40
different languages? It doesn't make sense."

"What really doesn't make sense Mulder, is how you have managed to
not yet be committed to an insane asylum. People come to this place
because it's fun," said Scully.

"Fun, Scully? Really?" asked Mulder. "You consider it 'fun' to be
strapped into a dangerous runaway mine train? How about dropping 10
stories in a broken elevator? 'Fun' is floating down a river through a
jungle filled with wild animals with a 17 year-old guide armed only
with a cap gun?"

"They're not real animals, they're audio-animawhatsits," said Scully.
"It's not a real mine train, it's just a roller coaster. It's not a real
elevator, it's.....well, I agree that one's a little sick, but yes, some
people evidently think it's fun. It's an amusement park Mulder. Didn't
your parents ever take you to one as a child?" asked Scully.

Mulder seemed to be running out of steam. "Well, no," he admitted.
"They always sent my sister and me to math camp."

"That explains a lot," Scully said. "What you need to do then, is see for
yourself. Tomorrow we'll spend the whole day in the Magic Kingdom.
You will see that there is nothing sinister going on, then we'll head to
Mount Dora and see if we can find out what sucked those people dry."
She opened the ice bucket. "Rats, it's empty."

"I'll go get some more," offered Mulder. "I think I need to go out and
get some air anyway." He picked up the bucket and went out the door.



2
Half an hour passed. Scully and I had cleaned up the pizza mess, and
Mulder had not yet returned. "I wonder if something is wrong," I said.
"It shouldn't take this long to get ice."

"Don't worry," said Scully. "Mulder's probably found evidence that the
ice is contaminated with radioactive space dust or maybe the stairway
leads to another dimension, or the night janitor is really a 300 year old
vampire. He'll come back, but the real question is - do we really want him
to?"

I didn't like the thought of losing someone before the tour even started
so I said, "I think I'll go look for him."

"Suit yourself. I'm going to watch TV," said Scully from her bed,
flipping through the channels with the remote control that was
conveniently bolted to the night-stand.

I left the room and walked down to the ice machine at the end of the
hallway. Mulder wasn't there of course, but I did find a trail of
sunflower shells that led all the way to the elevator. "A clue!" I
thought. The elevator indicator light showed that it was at the lobby
level. "Another clue. I'm getting pretty good at this," I told myself. I
took the elevator down to the lobby to have a look around.

Everything appeared normal until a Klingon walked past me. He
sauntered up to the front desk clerk and growled, "Earthling, where is
the gathering.?"

The desk clerk rolled her eyes at him and pointed to the hallway to her
left. The Klingon grunted his thanks and stalked off in the direction
indicated.

"This should be interesting," I thought, and followed him. I turned a
corner and was greeted by an otherworldly sight. Hundreds of people,
many of them in costume, were milling about in a corridor decorated to
look like the interior of a spaceship. A large banner reading "SCI FI
FEST" hung overhead. Among the humans there were Romulans,
Vulcans, Cardassians, Bajorans and even a Talaxian or two. Many
were wearing Starfleet uniforms from 3 decades worth of TV and
movies. I also saw Spiderman, Batman, Dr.Who, Darth Vader,
Chewbacca.....but no Mulder.

I wandered through the crowd, knowing that he had to be in there
somewhere. Near a wall, I stepped on something. I looked down -
it was a screw. There were two more of them laying on the floor
next to an air-conditioning vent. The vent cover was hanging crooked.
On an impulse, I took the unfastened cover off and peered inside just
in time to see Mulder's legs disappear up the shaft in the direction of
the Hibiscus Ballroom, where the Klingon's Initiation Rites were to
be held at 9:30. Whatever Mulder was up to, I could tell it wasn't
going to be pretty.

I decided I'd better warn the Klingons of the impending disaster. I
approached the largest and loudest one who's name turned out to be
Bob, and told him what was happening.

"What an idiot," he said. "Hey Larry, Vern - we have a problem," he
called to a couple of the other Klingons. They gathered around, and
Bob explained the situation to them. "Come on," Bob said to me. "We
have to try and get him out of there without ruining the entire show."

The four of us entered the ballroom. Inside, about thirty Klingons in full
gear were gathered around a big screen TV watching the Orlando Magic
game. There were several coolers full of soda and beer, and a table
covered with subs, chips and cookies. Against one wall was a large pile
of beer cans surrounding an overflowing trash basket set beneath a
basketball hoop. We moved slowly into the room staring warily at the
ceiling. As I neared the crowd around the TV, I heard a Klingon say,
"Hey, what the hell...." He was holding up his bottle of Zima and staring
at a screw that had dropped into it from the ceiling.

A voice from above called out, "Nobody move, FBIIIAAAAAAH!",
and Mulder fell through the ceiling along with an impressive amount of
acoustical panels and ductwork, directly onto the big screen TV.

A cloud of pink insulation dust and silence settled over the crowd.

I rushed over to the pile of debris and began digging. In the middle I
found Mulder looking rather dazed. "Are you OK?" I asked him while
taking his hand.

"If he's not dead, we're gonna kill him," mumbled a voice from the
crowd.

Mulder glanced at the angering crowd, then stared meaningfully at me.
"Uh, no," he lied. "I'm not OK. I think I'm gonna need a doctor."

"Someone call a doctor!" I called out, joining the ruse. "This man is
injured and needs help."

"Just call a coroner instead. That was a $3000.00 TV," said another
voice in the crowd.

I could feel them getting closer. Mulder continued to stare at me and I
continued to stare back. under the right circumstances, I could get to
like this staring thing.

"I understand that you people don't realize that you're threatening a
Federal Agent," said Mulder in his most official voice, "so if you all
back off now, I'll promise to forget this whole incident."

"Aw, let's leave him alone, Vern. The poor guy's delirious, he musta
fallen on his head," said a sympathetic voice, but the grumbling only
got louder as the crowd continued to advance, some of them picking
up sharp pieces of debris.

Mulder was beginning to look desperate.

I was suddenly struck by a flash of genius. I gave Mulder's hand a
reassuring squeeze, released it, then stood and faced the crowd.
"Please, someone must help us...." I let my eyes grow wide and
pointed to the door behind them, and cried out, "Oh my God, look! It's
Leonard Nimoy!"

The entire crowd whirled in unison and bolted out the door, much to
Mulder's relief, but to the dismay of the poor janitor they flattened on
their way out.

I helped Mulder up and we ran out the back door and into the safety of
one of the elevators. On the way up to our floor Mulder casually said
to me, "You know, there really is no reason why Agent Scully needs to
know anything about what just happened down there."

"No?" I queried, just as casually.

"None at all," he said, and pulled out his wallet. "In fact, I can think
of...oh, say twenty reasons why she doesn't need to know."

"Twenty?" I remarked. "Really? I should think you'd be able to come
up with a hundred."

"I'm not that smart," said Mulder, "but if I think real hard I could
probably conjure up around thirty."

"Oh, you're being too modest, Agent Mulder. I'm sure you're smart
enough for at least seventy-five," I told him.

"Extortion is illegal," he declared.

"So is bribery," I countered.

We stared at each other.

The elevator's bell sounded as we reached the 11th floor and the
doors began to open. "Fifty," he said.

"Deal," I said, and blocked the way out until he handed over the
cash.

"Thief," he muttered as he pushed by me into the hallway.

"Klutz," I muttered back.

When we got to our rooms, Scully didn't even ask what had taken
so long.



3
I had recommended an early start the next morning, so we awoke to a
7am wake-up call. Scully and I had just finished dressing in our tourist
uniforms of shorts, T-shirt and sneakers when there was a knock on the
connecting door.

"Are you two decent?" Mulder's voice asked.

"Yes, come on in," answered Scully.

Mulder entered wearing the same dark suit he had been wearing the
night before. "We're leaving soon, why aren't you dressed?" he asked
us.

"We are dressed. You're not," Scully told him.

"What do you mean?" Mulder asked, checking himself for stains.

"We're under cover, Mulder," Scully reminded him. "We're supposed
to look like tourists. You look like an FBI agent. Didn't you bring
anything casual?"

"I brought my brown suit," he offered.

"Let's take him down to the gift shop," I suggested. "I'm sure we can
find something more appropriate to dress him in there."

Scully and I led Mulder down to the hotel gift shop under protest. It
took nearly an hour but we finally got him into a pair of khaki shorts
and a green Orlando T-shirt that exactly matched the color of his eyes.
The hardest part was talking him out of his black loafers and into a pair
of Nikes.

By the time that ordeal was over, we had missed the shuttle to Disney
so we decided to have breakfast at the hotel buffet. Scully and I,
mindful of the heat and strenuous day ahead, chose cereal and fruit
salad. Mulder assembled a sandwich by putting a layer of bacon and
ketchup between two pancakes and topped it with orange marmalade.
He then rolled the sandwich into a tube and ate the entire thing in
three huge bites. He then checked his watch, and asked again what
time the bus was coming. When I told him it was due in thirty minutes,
he began drumming on the table with his knife and fork until Scully
snatched them away. Mulder gave her a wounded look, then stood up,
swiped a strawberry off of her plate, told us that he would meet us
outside at the bus stop, and left.

Scully and I took our time finishing our coffee, partly because the next
shuttle wasn't due for so long, and partly just out of spite. Finally we
went outside; Scully had to make Mulder take his overcoat back up to
his room.

A small crowd of people had already gathered in the driveway to wait
for the shuttle. I heard a couple of familiar voices among them -
chillingly familiar voices from last night. The Klingons. I recognized
none of them without their makeup, but I was sure that they would
recognize me, and certainly Mulder. Most of them looked just as big
and scary as they had when they were dressed as Klingons. I had to
get us out of there.

"Let's not take the shuttle," I said to Scully.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because it's more convenient to take the car. That way we can leave the park
whenever we want to."

"I'm not in that much of a rush. The hotel shuttle operates every
hour. That's pretty convenient," she said.

"Yes, but it leaves on the hour. What if we want to leave on the half
hour? You can only do that with a car," I said, as I backed toward the
entrance.

She wasn't following me. "We're going to stay all day," she said. "I
don't think half an hour is going to make any difference."

"What if the shuttle is full when we want to leave? We might have to
wait another hour." I was standing in the doorway now, one side
chilled by the hotel's air-conditioning, the other warmed by the Florida
sun. It was only 9am, but already nearing 90 degrees.

"I'm sure we'll be able to find something to occupy our time." Scully
still wouldn't budge. In fact, she seemed more determined than ever to
take the shuttle. I wondered how Mulder managed to put up with her
every day. People gave me annoyed glances as they maneuvered
around me to get out the door. I looked inside and saw Mulder coming
out of the elevator.

"Busses make me sea-sick," I blurted out in a last, desperate attempt to
persuade her.

"What?" I heard Scully say as I ducked inside and ran to stop Mulder
before he got into the Klingon's line of sight. She followed me this time.

"I think we should take the car," I said to Mulder.

"OK," he said agreeably. "We'll have to go back upstairs, the keys
are in my room."

Mulder and I got into the elevator. Scully barely managing to make it
into the elevator before the doors closed.

"We're taking the car," Mulder told her. "The keys are in my room."

Scully threw him a look that would freeze Kryptonite.

We made it to the car, through the toll plaza and into the Magic
Kingdom parking lot without further incident, but that was the only
part of the day that would go well.

Our problems started at the entrance to park when Mulder was politely
informed that he would certainly be permitted to take his little
telephone into the Magic Kingdom if he wanted to, but his gun would
have remain at the security office.

"I don't go anywhere without my gun," declared Mulder.

"Except into the Magic Kingdom," cheerfully corrected the gate agent,
waving at the two smiling security guards approaching from the left.

"You don't understand," said Mulder, fishing out his ID. "I'm Special
Agent Fox Mulder with the FBI."

"We're glad you have decided to visit the Magic Kingdom, Agent
Mulder," said the first security guard. "Perhaps you would like to begin
your day by touring our security facilities. I'm certain that you will be
sufficiently impressed to feel comfortable leaving your weapon and
your worries with us in our lock up while you enjoy the park."

Security guard #1 smiled and gestured to the security office.Security
guard #2 smiled and blocked the entrance to the park.

Mulder frowned and looked at Scully who raised one eyebrow and
stared back at him.

"OK," Mulder said to Security guard #1. "We'll tour your facilities.
Wait just one minute."

He pulled me off to the side and blocking the security guard's view
with his body, handed me his telephone. "If we aren't back in one
hour, press speed dial #2. Talk to Assistant Director Skinner, and only
Assistant Director Skinner. Tell him we're in trouble with The Mouse."

"I understand," I said. "Assistant Director Skinner. Speed dial #2. The
Mouse. What if he's not there?"

Mulder stared blankly at me for a moment, glanced over his shoulder
at Scully and the guards, pulled me a few steps further away and
leaned in close. "If you can't get hold of Skinner, take the car and go
back to the hotel. In the top drawer of the night-stand to the right of my bed
is a roll of masking tape. Don't look in the top drawer to the left. Open the
curtains, tear off two strips of tape each about a foot long and stick them to
the window in an 'X' pattern. Then go down to the parking garage and wait.
He will contact you."

"Who will contact me?" I asked, confused.

"A man. A black man in a dark suit. Don't ask him his name. He won't
tell you. Don't tell him what has happened. He'll already know. He
will give you instructions on how to help us. Do whatever he says.
We're depending on you. Got it?"

"Got it," I said. "Right drawer, tape, 'X', black man, no name."

Mulder gave me the keys to the car, turned and walked back to Scully.
They stared at each other for a long moment, then walked away with
the guards.

I walked slowly back toward the gate to wait for them. The gate agent
gestured grandly for me to enter the park. I was caught up in the
moment and regarded him with a serious face, saying, "No, I'll just
wait right here."

He grinned at me and said, "All right.. It's a beautiful morning isn't it? Be
sure you stop at the Main Street Bakery - the cinnamon buns smell
especially yummy today."

"I don't like cinnamon buns," I told him, maintaining an aloof air.

"Maybe you'd like a bagel instead," he suggested with a smile.

"I've already had breakfast," I said.

"Well, then you're all fueled up and ready for an exciting day aren't
you!" he replied.

I just looked at him and tried to raise my eyebrow like Scully did.

"Now, there. We can't have any unhappy faces in the Magic Kingdom," said the
guard reproachfully. "I'm sure something will come along to put a smile on
your face because this is the happiest place on Earth."

I gave him sour look and was about to suggest he take a reality check
when I heard Mulder and Scully coming back from the security office.
They were arguing. "They call that a tour?" grumbled Mulder. "We
went in, they took my gun, gave me a receipt and a map, then pushed
us out the door."

"They showed us the little room with the security monitors," Scully
said, unfolding her map as she walked.

"We only saw that through a window," complained Mulder. "I wanted
to go into the room with the security monitors."

"Well they won't let you," Scully said.

Mulder peered over her shoulder at the map "This thing is useless," he
declared with disgust.

"What did you expect, Mulder? A big red dot marking the spot where
they keep their leader's head?" Scully asked. She turned so he couldn't
see the map and showed it to me. "Where do you think we should
start?" she asked me. "Adventureland or Fantasyland?"

Mulder circled around to get a view of the map again. Before I could
answer, he put his finger on the map and said, "I want to start here."
He was pointing to the Alien Encounter.

"As good a place as any," I said. We proceeded down Main Street
toward Tomorrowland, stopping briefly for Mulder to buy a cinnamon
bun, and were soon standing in line for the Alien Encounter.

I had been through the Alien Encounter a number of times before, and
I didn't particularly want to through it again. In tour guide school we
are taught to how to gracefully excuse ourselves from attractions that
we don't like and wait for our group at the exit. I was looking for a
chance to get out of it when Mulder said "Look, there's our chance.
I'm not going into that auditorium. That's what they want us to do.
When the crowd starts to move, I'm ducking in there," he declared,
motioning toward a door marked 'Cast Members Only".

The crowd surged forward when the auditorium doors opened and we
went for the Cast Member's Only door, only to be met by smiling Cast
Member with a walkie-talkie in her hand. "This way, please," she said,
pointing to the auditorium door.

The pressure from the crowd was strong. Having done this kind of
thing before, I flattened myself against the wall. Mulder and Scully,
being amateurs were swept along into the auditorium. "I'll meet you
outside at the concession stand," I called after them.

I found a table under an umbrella just outside the Alien Encounter exit,
bought myself a soda and settled down to wait. Seven minutes later,
the show exited. Most of the crowd seemed exhilarated, but Mulder
and Scully seemed stunned. Scully sat at the table with me and Mulder
got in line, bought a soda for each of them and sat down as well.
Neither one of them said a word. We sat in complete silence for at
least half an hour while Mulder made a little chain out of the handful of
straws he had swiped and Scully studied her map.

"Space Mountain looks like fun," Scully finally said.

"We're not here for fun and games Scully," Mulder chided her.

"Yes we are. I've always liked roller coasters. Let's go." She and I
stood up.

Mulder remained seated. "I really think we should get down to
business and check out the Cinderella Castle. That's where they're
supposed to keep the head."

"Fine," Scully said. "You go on you're head-hunting expedition. I'm
going on Space Mountain. Are you coming, Linda?" Scully didn't wait for my
answer, she just turned and started walking away.

"I thought you were with me on this." Mulder called after her.

She didn't answer.

"Don't you at least want to stick around long enough for another
chance to prove me wrong?" he said.

THAT turned her around. "Which way is the Castle?" she demanded.



4
We stopped in the little garden in the main hub at the end of Main
Street to discuss our plan of attack. Mulder squinted up at Cinderella's
Castle with an expression of concern.

"It's so huge, and out in the open. We could never get inside in the
daylight without being seen. I think we should wait until after dark,
bring grappling equipment, swim across the moat and scale the east
wall."

"It would never work," I told him. "That thing is lit up like a Christmas
tree at night."

"Besides that," said Scully, "All Florida waterways are infested with
alligators. If you put one foot in that moat, you'll pull back a nub. No,
we should go in the front door. That way they'll never suspect a
thing.

"Good thinking, you two," said Mulder with a grin. "Are we psyched
up for this or what?" He set off for the entrance ramp.

"Like I said. Never suspect a thing." Scully said to me as we followed
him.

On the bridge across the moat, Mulder paused to peer suspiciously into
the water. As we passed him, Scully said, "They're nocturnal," and
Mulder hurried to catch up with us.

Once inside, Scully and I paused to admire the five floor to ceiling
Italian tile mosaics that lined the walls, depicting the story of
Cinderella. "Wow, the craftsmanship is really intricate. This is
beautiful," remarked Scully.

"Yeah, right. Let's go in here," said Mulder, walking into the King's
Gallery gift shop.

The shop looked exactly as a medieval market would have if florescent
lighting, Berber carpet and electronic cash registers had existed in the
15th century. The dark wood beam ceilings were hung with heraldic
banners and the walls were decorated with tapestries and swords. A
glass-blower was at work in one end of the shop making little pink
flamingos, and a young boy was at work at the other end, whacking his
sister with a plastic sword as their parents searched a large book for
their family crest. In the center of the room was a jewelry counter.
Behind it was a young blonde woman who's hair and makeup were as
perfect as her eyes were vacant. Her name tag identified her as
"Chrissi". Mulder went up to her.

"Hi!" she chirped. "Are you looking for something special today?"

"Yes," said Mulder.

"No," said Scully. "We're just browsing."

"No, we're not," said Mulder. "I want to know what else is in this
building."

"A restaurant. King Stefan's Banquet Hall," informed Chrissi brightly.
"You can make reservations just outside." She gestured in the general
direction of the door. "They will be serving lunch at 11:30."

"What else?" inquired Mulder.

"Dinner. But not until later," answered Chrissi.

"No, I mean what else is in this building?" clarified Mulder.

Chrissi looked confused. "Bathrooms?" she guessed.

"Besides that?"

"Oh! Offices!" exclaimed Chrissi triumphantly as if she might win a
prize.

"Who's offices?"

Chrissi's grin faded. "The managers of the shop and the restaurant?"
she guessed.

"What about The Head's office?" asked Mulder.

Scully turned away and developed a sudden interest in a display of
dragon figurines behind her.

"The head of what?" asked Chrissi.

Scully was consumed with a sudden violent coughing fit.

Mulder had to lean in close to Chrissi to be heard over the noise. "I
want to know where Walt Disney's frozen head is kept."

Chrissi's eyes grew wide and her face grew pale. She looked
nervously to the left, then right and said in a low voice, "We're not
supposed to talk about The Head."

Mulder lowered his voice as well and said, "I'm an FBI agent, Chrissi.
You can tell me anything."

"OK," Chrissi chirped only after the shortest of consideration to his
assertion. "Well, I don't know if this is true because the guy I heard it from
doesn't work here anymore, and no one has seen him since he left, but he told
me just before he left on his last day that there are some really weird things
going on way down in the tunnels....."

"Tunnels? What tunnels?" asked Mulder.

"The access tunnels under the park." Chrissi said. "We use them to get
to work and move supplies and garbage without the guests seeing us.
They go everywhere."

"How do I get into them?" asked Mulder.

"The main entrance is behind....," began Chrissi, but at that moment
two men in suits burst through a door where there had been just a wall
seconds ago. Chrissi squeaked as each of them took one of her arms,
then escorted her wordlessly back through the door they had come in.
It closed invisibly after them, becoming once again just a wall. The
whole thing took about five seconds.

The three of us stared at each other in silence.

"I believe I can help you find what you are looking for over here
Agent Mulder." We turned at the sound of the voice. It came from a
second sales associate who had witnessed the entire episode from the
other side of the jewelry counter. Mulder approached the counter with
Scully and I right behind him. The associate was taller than Chrissi and far
more intelligent looking with a professional demeanor and a name
tag that read Kim.

"You know my name," Mulder said to her.

"We all know who you are, Agent Mulder," said Kim. She placed a silver
necklace with a crystal in the shape of the castle onto a velvet mat that
rested on the counter. "A lovely gift for the lovely lady." Kim
smiled at Scully who looked skeptically at her. "Many believe,"
continued Kim, "that crystals possess certain powers. This particular
type of crystal is said to lead you to whatever your heart desires." The
necklace she showed us was attached to a card which Kim turned over
long enough for us to see that there was something hand written on the
back. "Very unique I assure you, and quite reasonably priced at just
$16.95. You could search for days and not find anything like it.
Especially when you are looking high when you should be looking
low."

Mulder reached for the necklace, but Kim deftly swept it into a bag
saying, "Will that be cash or charge?" with a smile.

Mulder looked at Scully who said to him, "You wouldn't expect a lady
to pay for her own gift, would you?"

He probably looked at me too but I'm not sure because I had turned
away, feigning interest in the same dragon display that Scully had
found so fascinating earlier.

"Cash," he said.

Mulder paid for the earrings, took the bag and walked immediately out
the door. Scully and I had to run to follow him as he rushed out the rear exit
of the castle and into Fantasyland. I guessed he was looking for a quiet place
to read the card. He hurried past Snow White's Newly P.C. And Not So Scary
Anymore Adventure, dodged the line for the Cinderella's Golden Carrousel,
and stopped where the line used to form for 20,000 Leagues Under The
Algae-Filled Sea, until that attraction had closed and became This Area Being
Refurbished For Your Future Enjoyment. We gathered around Mulder to read
the card, but he held it too high for us to see and read it aloud.

He will not lie
Or his nose will grow.
The knowledge you seek
Is the knowledge he'll know.
So give him a scrap
And on it he'll write
The directions to follow
To get to the site.

You're making that up," said Scully. She snatched the card out of
Mulder's hands and read it herself. "What the hell is this supposed to
mean?" she said.

"I think Kim is trying to tell us something Scully," said Mulder, deep in
thought.

"Like 'There's a sucker born every minute'?" offered Scully.

Impervious to her sarcasm, Mulder said, "No, she's trying to tell us
where to go for information about The Head. 'He will not lie'. Who
wouldn't lie?"

"George Washington," I answered. "He's in the Hall of Presidents over
in Liberty Square."

"Let's go ask him," Scully suggested.

"George Washington is dead Scully, we can't talk to him. Besides, his
nose didn't grow when he told a lie." Mulder snapped his fingers, "But
Pinocchio's did! That's it - we have to talk to Pinocchio."

"Pinocchio is a cartoon character Mulder," said Scully.

"Not anymore...look," he said and began walking. His gaze was fixed
over our heads in the direction of the Dumbo ride. Scully and I looked
turned and looked. There next to the queue, signing autographs, was
Pinocchio.

"He's turned into a real boy," I said.

"Don't encourage him," Scully told me. "We may as well wait it out
here," she said, and we sat on a nearby bench to do so.

Mulder had joined the autograph line behind about a dozen kids As he
neared the front of the line, he motioned for us to join him. We were
more than a little embarrassed to be seen conversing with a thirty-five
year old man who wanted Pinocchio's autograph, so we tried to ignore
him. However, Chip and Dale, who had been hovering nearby,
noticed Mulder's plight and herded us over to him. Mulder had found
out that the characters would only sign autographs in an Official Disney
Autograph book, which could be purchased at any of the conveniently
located gift shops in the park for around $12.00. He didn't want to lose
his place in line, so he wanted Scully to go buy him one.

"Fine," she said. "Give me the money."

"I just bought you a necklace," he told her.

"I didn't want that necklace, you did," she said.

"Scully, it's a ladies necklace. I'm not going to wear it, but I think you
should. Maybe Kim meant it as a kind of sign so her contacts will
recognize us. Put it on and go get me an autograph book. I'm almost at
the front of the line," Mulder insisted.

"If my neck turns green we'll talk about this later," Scully said turning
around for him to fasten the chain. She looked down at the sparkling castle
with an expression of disgust and headed off toward the gift shop, rolling her
eyes.

I started to follow her, but made an about-face when I saw a group of
six burly men strolling by, grumbling about the Lion King show they
had just exited.

"Man, that was lame," a familiar-sounding voice said. "I can't believe
we waited an hour to see a bunch of puppets being waved around on
sticks."

Fearing the worst, I took a few steps forward to get a better look. My
suspicions were confirmed - it was Bob, Vern, Larry and the other
Klingons! I slunk back against the wall and waved at Mulder trying to
warn him of the impending danger.

Mulder waved back.

"No!" I mouthed, shaking my head, and tried to motion for him to turn
around.

He didn't understand and called out, "What?"

The guys recognized his voice and started looking around.

Mulder still didn't have a clue and called out, "What?" again, this time
louder.

Lacking Klingon instincts without their costumes, the guys just turned
in circles muttering to themselves.

I hurried over to Mulder and turned him around toward the Dumbo
ride. "Don't look back," I told him. "The Klingons from last night are
right over there."

"Did they see me?" he asked.

"No, but they sure heard you," I said. I took my compact out of my bag
and watched them in the mirror as I pretended to check my makeup.

"You should really check into employment with the Bureau, you're a
natural," Mulder said admiringly.

The guys were staring in our direction. "Get ready to run...." I warned.

"Hey, over there!" one of them shouted and they all started running
toward us. Mulder cringed and was about to flee but the Klingons ran
past us and invaded a line at a popcorn stand. We were each halfway
through a sigh of relief when Scully appeared with the autograph book.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," said Mulder. "We're just glad you're back."

Scully gave him the autograph book along with a funny look, then she
and I stepped aside as Mulder took his turn with Pinocchio. He came
out of the line but refused to let us see the message it until we were
back at the bench in front of 20,000 Leagues.

"I asked him how to get into the tunnel," he said and opened the book
to the first page. Below the signature was written:

Mary on Tom Sawyer Island can show you the way.

Mulder and Scully both looked expectantly at me. "Frontierland," I
said, and indicated the direction we should take.



5
There was a half-hour line for the raft to Tom Sawyer Island, partially
protected from the sun by a wooden shelter. In the final stretch, I took
advantage of the rear wall to lean my head back and close my eyes. I
knew it was going to be a long day.

"What is God's name is that child eating?" exclaimed Scully.

I looked up at the little boy she was pointing to.

"It's a smoked turkey leg," I said. "Big one too." It was almost the
length of the boy's forearm.

"That looks great," said Mulder with awe.

"It looks disgusting," Scully. "It's barbaric."

"No, they're pretty good," I protested. "I was thinking about getting
one for lunch."

"I'm thinking about getting one now," announced Mulder.

"I'll give you five dollars not to," Scully told him.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because if I have to watch someone gnaw on one of those things at
close range, I'll hurl," she answered.

I closed my eyes again. It was going to be a very long day.

"Then look the other way," Mulder said, "I'm hungry."

"How can you be hungry?" Scully demanded. "You had a big breakfast
at the hotel, then you ate a cinnamon bun the size of my head less than
two hours ago."

"Well I am hungry, and I'm going to go get one of those turkey legs,"
he said and started looking for a way out of the line.

"We can't hold your place in line," I said without opening my
eyes,"and even we could, you can't eat on the raft...."

"Yeah," said Scully.

"You'll just have to wait until we get back," I continued, "then we can
all have lunch."

"By then they could run out of them," he said.

"They'll make more," I answered. I expected the argument to continue,
but the raft arrived and we were pushed onto it by the crowd.

Once on Tom Sawyer Island, we had no trouble tracking down Mary.
She was a willowy blonde with big brown eyes wearing a lavender
and white prairie style dress, working at Aunt Polly's Landing, a small
snack stand near the raft-dock. "Welcome to Aunt Polly's," she said to
Mulder when he approached her. "Would you like a peanut-butter and
jelly sandwich?"

"No," he said. "I'd like a turkey leg."

"I'm sorry, we don't have turkey legs here. We have peanut-butter and
jelly sandwiches, cold fried chicken, or ham and cheese sandwiches,"
she told him.

"Is that all?" he asked, making a face.

Mary turned her head to check the menu board on the wall behind her,
then turned back. "Yes," she said.

"I really wanted a turkey leg," said Mulder.

"We don't have any of those," said Mary, still smiling. "How about a
peanut-butter and jelly sandwich?"

"I don't like peanut-butter and jelly," Mulder said.

"OK," said Mary, continuing to smile. "How about cold fried chicken
or ham and cheese?"

"No, I don't like those either."

"Well, then, maybe you'd like a piece of apple pie," she suggested.

"No, we're going to have lunch soon," he said.

"Some lemonade?"

"No."

"Well, then. Is there anything else I can help you with today?" Mary
asked.

"Yeah," Mulder said, "I want to know how to get into the tunnel."

Mary looked relieved at the prospect of getting Mulder out of her line.
"Follow that path there, to your right. It will lead you straight to it," she
said.

"Thanks," said Mulder. He turned away and began jogging down the path.

"OK, bye, bye," Mary called cheerfully after him.

Scully and I ran to catch up with Mulder who had disappeared down a
roped bordered trail that led into the woods, and nearly plowed into
him when we rounded a sharp curve.

"Damn it, Mulder, why did you stop like that?" demanded Scully.

He did not answer. He was staring straight ahead at the entrance to a
tunnel.

"There it is, let's go and get this over with," she said and started
forward.

Mulder put his arm out and blocked her. "Ssssssh, it's watching us," he
said.

"What is watching us?" asked Scully.

"It," said Mulder pointing, and I saw it.

There on the path between two trees, stretched an enormous spider's
web, and in the center - it's architect. The spider's body was nearly the size
of my little finger and it's legs - four pointing forward and four back,
spanned about six inches.

"Oh," said Scully. She saw it too.

"That is a Golden Orb Spider, but we locals them 'banana spiders'," I
told them.

"Are they all that huge?" asked Scully.

"Only the females," I said.

"Are they poisonous?" she asked.

"No, they're completely harmless," I replied. We took a few cautious
steps forward in unison. The web completely blocked the entire path.
Ten feet beyond, beaconed the cool darkness of the tunnel.

"Maybe we can crawl underneath it," suggested Mulder.

"And risk having it drop on us?" I asked. "That thing could have us
each wrapped in silk and hoisted twenty feet up a tree before you
could say 'arachniphobia'."

"I thought you said this species was harmless." Scully said.

"I doubt anyone has ever gotten close enough to really find out," I
replied.

"I think we should just kill it," said Mulder.

"We can't just kill it." Scully chided him. "One of the biggest problems
we have on this earth today is mankind's arrogance that we are the
'superior beings' and everything was put here for our convenience.
That spider is a living, breathing creature with as much a right to exist as
we have."

The spider moved a few inches lower in it's web.

"Kill it with what?" Scully squealed as she jumped backwards.

"We could hit it with a rock," Mulder suggested.

"Right," she said. "Which one of us is going to get close enough to that
thing to hit it with a rock?"

"Then get a stick and knock it down," he told her.

"You're the one who wants to go in the cave, you knock it down,"

"You're not afraid of spiders, are you Scully," he taunted her.

"I am when they're as big as my face," she shot back. "Besides, you're
the man. You're supposed to get the bugs."

Mulder laughed. "These are the 90's, Scully. Aren't you being awfully
sexist?"

She just stared at him, so he looked at me. So did she.

"She's right," I said. No help here. "The man is supposed to get the
bugs."

"And what do the women do?" he asked.

"They go back and wait at the concession stand," I told him, and Scully
and I turned and walked back up the trail to the picnic tables. We
chose one with a view of the beginning of the trail.

A few minutes passed then we heard a scream, followed by a crashing
sound. A few seconds later, Mulder came sprinting up the trail toward
us slapping at his clothes and yelling "Get it off of me! Get it off!"

Scully and I jumped behind the picnic table and turned it on it's side,
determined to keep it as a shield between Mulder and the spider and us.

"Help me!" he pleaded, continuing his frenetic dance.

"Don't come any closer!" ordered Scully. "Just drop and roll!"

Mulder hit the ground, rolling and slapping frantically at himself as
Scully and I cowered behind the table and a small crowd grew.
Security was just arriving when a little boy about eight years old
approached Mulder and squatted next to him on the ground.

"Hey, mister," said the boy. "I got that spider for you." The boy held
out his hand. In it was a crumpled wad of spider.

Mulder leapt to his feet and joined Scully and me behind the picnic
table. "Thank you," he told the boy.

"You're welcome," the boy said. "It's OK to go back down the trail
now, there aren't any more spiders, but you should be careful in the
tunnel. It's kind of spooky in there." The boy put the dead spider in his
pocket and walked away.

We waited until he was a safe distance away, then stood up. The
crowd and the two security guards were staring at us. We smiled at
them and put the table back in it's original position. They still stared. We
backed away smiling, waved at them and then hurried back down
the trail, Mulder trying to muster up as much dignity as any man with
his hair full of leaves possibly could.

We entered the tunnel single-file with Mulder in the lead followed by
Scully, then myself. It was illuminated by flickering imitation candle
light coming from the old-fashioned lanterns mounted in the walls. The
effect was indeed spooky, but I thought it was a bit ridiculous of the
agents to be using flashlights, but they were each stabbing a powerful
beam of light through the near-dimness. The tunnel ran nearly level for
about a hundred yards, then curved sharply upward toward a bright
light.

"This is it," whispered Mulder. "I"m going in. Cover me."

"With what? We're unarmed," Scully whispered back, but Mulder was
already moving up the incline, flattened against one wall.

We followed likewise. Suddenly an ear-splitting shriek of laughter split
the silence as three kids shot down the slope and passed us, running
toward the woods entrance. Scully and I still had our fingers in our ears when
Mulder advanced around the curve. Following him, we found
ourselves in a fort. "Fort Sam Clemens" proclaimed a flag flying
overhead. It was made of vertical logs standing two stories high with a
walkway around the upper rim. All around us, squealing kids wearing
coonskin hats and Indian headdresses pointed toy guns and bows with
rubber-tipped arrows at each other, playfully reenacting the massacres
of the Old West.

"This can't be right," said Mulder. "This is just a playground."

"Maybe we took a wrong turn," suggested Scully.

"There were no other turns," I said.

"No obvious ones, anyway. We must have missed something," said
Mulder. He turned and went back into the tunnel. On the way back
through we felt our way along the walls, pushing at rocks and seams,
searching for evidence of secret passageways, but we found nothing
suspicious.

Once outside, Mulder went straight back up to the concession stand
and Mary. "Hello again," she said. "We still don't have any turkey
legs."

"You led us to the wrong tunnel," Mulder told her.

"I led you to the only tunnel," she corrected.

"That tunnel leads to a kid's playground," said Mulder.

"That's right," said Mary. "That's where the tunnel goes. To Fort Sam
Clemens. A playground."

"That's not the tunnel I wanted," said Mulder.

"Well, that's the only tunnel I've got," she replied.

Mulder checked to see if anyone else was in hearing range. "I know
about the other tunnel Mary," he told her in a low voice.

"OK," she said.

"I want you to tell me how to get into it," he said.

"Well, if you already know about the other tunnel, you should also
already know that the only people allowed in it are Disney
employees," pointed out Mary.

"I'm an FBI Special Agent on an investigation," Mulder told her and
offered her his badge.

Mary didn't look at it. "I know who you are Agent Mulder, we all do.
I also know that our security department wouldn't show you into the
tunnel, so what makes you think that I will?"

"Pinocchio sent me"

"Pinocchio. Right. Sure he did. I'm going to give security a call." Mary
stepped back toward the phone on the wall behind her.

"No, wait. I have proof - a note written by Pinocchio himself,"
protested Mulder. "It says that you would show me the way." He held
out the autograph book.

Mary looked at the page Mulder held out. "That's not how I spell my
name," she said. "It's Mari with an I not a Y. Everyone knows that.
That autograph is a fake."

"Do I look like someone who would fake a cartoon character's
autograph?" asked Mulder.

Mari glanced around, then lowered her voice. "You look like someone
who would do anything to get what he wants. Look, Agent Mulder,
those tunnels are off limits to guests. I would lose my job if I told you how
to get down there. Would I wear this outfit in this kind of weather to sell
peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches if I didn't really like it here?" she
asked. "The only way you are going to get into that tunnel is to either get a
job here or get arrested. If you want a job - go to the casting center, if you
want to get arrested - I'll call security right now - you just be standing
right there when they arrive." Mari picked up the telephone and stared at
Mulder who stared defiantly back.

"Let's go get that turkey leg, Mulder," Scully said, pulling at his
sleeve.

Mulder seemed determined to stare Mari down, but Scully dragged
him backward a few steps and he finally gave in.

"Have a nice day," Mari called after us with a bright smile as we
hurried toward the raft which was ready to depart.

The ride back to Frontierland was short and silent. Mulder was in a
funk and stalked wordlessly toward the turkey leg stand as soon as we
landed. "There's got to be something else to eat around here," said
Scully, wrinkling her nose.

"You can get chilli, hot dogs and nachos at Pecos Bill's," I suggested.

"Lovely," she said. "I'm sure we'd all appreciate that later this
afternoon. I suppose there is a bathroom over there as well?"

"Yes," I said. "I'm going to go get a turkey leg, then I'll find a table for
us."

"Fine. I'll see if I can get a taco salad or something and meet you
there," Scully said as we separated.

Halfway to the turkey leg stand, I came across a chilling sight - the
Klingons. They were standing in line a few customers in front of
Mulder, but they apparently hadn't noticed him yet. I froze in place,
wondering what to do. I around looked for Scully, but she was
nowhere to be seen. "Maybe I'm being silly," I told myself. "These are
normal, rational human-beings. Just because they will on occasion
dress, behave and speak like Klingon warriors and even take oaths to
uphold the brutal Klingon Code of Honor, doesn't mean that they will
apply that same code to their everyday lives and rip the arms off of
anyone who causes them trouble. I'm sure that a few words of reason,
accompanied by the right amount of cash would bring out the best in
them." I relaxed, smiling about how silly my worries were when one
of the Klingons spotted Mulder. He just stared for a moment at
Mulder, who was cleaning his sunglasses with his T-shirt, totally
oblivious to the danger. The Klingon nudged one of his buddies, who
also turned to stare.

Mulder held his sunglasses up to check them, was not satisfied and
tried again, this time with the hem of his shorts.

Now all of the Klingons were watching Mulder. One of them spoke to
him - I was too far away to hear what he said. Mulder said something
back, then turned to look blankly at the six men. They all stared at each
other for what was one of the longest seconds in my life, then a spark of
recognition came over Mulder's face. He vaulted over the chains
separating the lines at the stand, and tore off in the direction of Liberty
Square with the Klingons right on his tail. I ran after them. Scully was
exiting the bathroom just as we ran past her and joined in the chase as well.

The Klingons tackled Mulder near the entrance to the Haunted Mansion.
I thought they might kill him right there when the melee was suddenly
engulfed by an entire regiment of Disney security guards. The guards
quickly broke up the fight and hustled all of the insurgents away through one
of the omnipresent Cast Members Only doors just as Scully caught up with me.

"What happened? Why were those men after Mulder?" she asked
between breaths.




6
I gave Scully the condensed version of what had happed the night
before at the Sci Fi Convention. She took it all pretty much in stride, as if
it were a common occurrence. "Well, he's finally getting his chance to see the
tunnels isn't he?" she said. "I say we give him a little time to enjoy it.
Let's have lunch first, then go bail him out. If we are lucky, he'll be
banned from the park and we can call it a day."

I thought we would go back to the taco stand, but Scully spotted the
Liberty Tree Inn. I told her that it was a full-service restaurant and not
very fast.

She said "We're not in a hurry are we?". We had a leisurely three
course lunch in the Tavern, including chocolate souffles for dessert for
which we had to wait twenty minutes.

Afterward, we took a long, slow stroll down Main Street, window-
shopping our way down to Town Hall, which also served as post office, lost &
found department and security office. We were greeted at the counter by a
small, round, young woman in turn-of-the-century
clothing with bright eyes and curly black hair. "Hello Agent Scully,
Linda. I'm Courtesy Host Sonya. How nice to see you here. What can
I do for you this fine day? Perhaps you would be interested in
purchasing some Disney Dollars. They are quite the collectibles."

"No, thank you," Scully said. "I'd just like to find out how I can arrange for
Agent Mulder's release."

"Release?" asked Sonya with a quizzical look.

"Yes, from security. He was taken into custody by some of your
security guards about 90 minutes ago after he was involved in an
altercation with a few other guests," explained Scully.

"These things happen," Sonya said. She consulted her computer.
"However, I see no notation of anyone being taken into custody
today." She smiled apologetically at us.

"It wasn't that long ago," said Scully. "Maybe no one has had a chance
to log it yet. Isn't there someone you could call to find out?"

Sonya smiled and said, "Well, sure." She picked up her phone and
pushed a few numbers. "Hi Jose, this is Sonya at the front office... I'm
just great, how are you?.....Good, good. Listen, have you guys
detained Agent Mulder?" She put her hand over the phone and said
"He's checking," to us. Her attention wandered from her fingernails to
a fly buzzing the room before it was drawn suddenly back to the
telephone. "OK, thanks, Jose," she said into the receiver, then hung up
the phone.

"No, we don't have Agent Mulder in custody," she told us with that
maddening smile.

"I'm sure you do," insisted Scully. "We saw them take him away along
with about six other men over by the Haunted Mansion."

Sonya raised her eyebrows. "You mean Zone 27?" she asked.

"Yeah, I guess," said Scully. "Would you please check again?"

Sonya smiled, picked up the phone once more and dialed again. "Hi,
Jose, it's Sonya again. Yes, I'm still fine, and yourself? Good, good.
Listen, are you guys sure you don't have Agent Mulder down there?
Agent Scully and her tour guide Linda are both telling me that they
saw him and a few other gentlemen involved in a disturbance that was
neutralized in Zone 27......You're sure? OK, thanks again." She hung
up and shrugged her shoulders at us. "We don't have them. We're sure.
It's a busy day in the park, maybe he just got lost in the crowd. It
happens all of the time."

"Agent Mulder didn't get lost in the crowd." Scully was beginning to
raise her voice. "He was being attacked by six burly men, then an
entire swarm of Disney security guards appeared out of nowhere and
swept them all away. I saw it happen. Linda saw it happen. You people
have Agent Mulder in custody somewhere."

"I'm sorry, but we don't. I checked for you twice. You both saw me,"
Sonya smiled apologetically at us and double-checked the latch on the
counter's gate as Scully moved toward it. "Tim," she called out.

The door to the back room opened and an official-looking young man
with an official-looking crew cut entered the room. "Agent Scully," he
said, "I'm Tim. Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yes as a matter of fact there is," Scully said. "I"m looking for a U.S.
Federal Agent who seems to have disappeared in the custody of some
of your security guards."

"Agent Scully, I must tell you that I've been monitoring your
conversation here with Hostess Sonya. She is correct in telling you that
we do not have Agent Mulder in custody. I checked as well. There is
also no record of any disturbance in Zone 27, or any other Zone this
morning. It's just a normal, peaceful, happy day here at the Magic
Kingdom. I'm sure Agent Mulder just got lost in the crowd as Sonya
suggested. I'll have everyone keep an eye out for him and have you
notified as soon as he turns up." Tim walked to the front door and held
it open for us. "In the meantime, I suggest you go out and enjoy the
park."

Scully marched up to Tim and said "I'll tell you what, Security Host
Supervisor Tim. If Agent Mulder doesn't turn up within two hours in
exactly the same condition I last saw him in, this place will be crawling with
so many Feds with so much surveillance equipment that you
won't be able to pick your nose without it being caught on tape."

"Do you really think I can do that now?" murmured Tim cryptically as
he closed the door.

"Come on," Scully said to me as she started off at a near-jog.

"Where are we going?" I asked, catching up.

"Back to Kim. This whole thing was her idea in the first place," she
said.

We went straight back to the castle gift shop, no window-shopping this
time, and marched up to the jewelry counter and Kim. "Ladies," she
greeted. "I wasn't expecting to see you here again. I see you are
wearing your necklace Agent Scully, it looks beautiful on you, but
where is Agent Mulder?"

"Maybe he should have worn the necklace because he seems to have
gotten 'lost in the crowd'. At least that is your security department's
official explanation," Scully told her.

"Well, that sort of thing does happen quite often," sympathized Kim,
"but most people do turn up, sooner or later. Perhaps your necklace
will lead you to him, if that is what your heart desires."

"I don't fall for that mystical crap like Agent Mulder," said Scully. "Just
tell me where to look for him."

Kim gave her a smile and said, "Oh, the possibilities are simply
endless, I wouldn't know where to have you begin. I also wouldn't be
so quick to dismiss the mystical." Kim slid her velvet mat onto the
counter as she spoke and placed upon it a pair of crystal earrings
attached to a card. "Perhaps the power of the necklace will be
compounded when worn with these matching earrings." Kim flipped
the card over to reveal writing on the back.

"I'm sure it will," said Scully sourly. "For how much?"

"$27.95," said Kim.

"$27.95!" Scully protested. "The necklace was only $16.95!"

"But there are two pieces of crystal here," smiled Kim.

"All right. Fine," said Scully with resignation. She handed over her
credit card. "I'll need a receipt."

"Certainly," said Kim as she handed over the earrings in a bag.

Scully and I headed back out to the bench at 20,000 Leagues. Scully
took the card out of the bag and we read it together.

Goofy's his name
and I haven't a doubt
if something is lost
he can help sniff it out.
Just follow his tail
as he follows his nose
stay close behind him
and go where he goes.

"Dr. Suess strikes again," said Scully.

"I think it's kind of cute," I said.

"Cute won't help us find Mulder,"

"Neither will security," I reminded her. "I think we should give this a
try."

She stared at me and I stared back.

"This is even weirder than working with Mulder," signed Scully. "All
right. We'll follow Goofy. He's the orange one over there, right?" She
pointed to a character standing at the center of a group of kids next to It's
a Small World.

"No, that's Pluto," I told her. "Goofy wears clothes and a hat." I shaded my
eyes with my hand and began turning in a circle looking for him.

"I thought Goofy was a dog," said Scully also looking around.

"He is," I replied, still turning.

"A dog that wears clothes and a hat?" she asked as if the very concept was
absurd.

"Yes," I said. "He also drives a car, is married and has two kids." I
finished my circle to find her staring at me with a raised eyebrow. "I
get paid to know these things. I'm a tour guide, remember?"

Before she could reply, I spotted our dog. He came walking out from
around the Mad Tea Party, his huge shoes flopping against the
pavement and swinging his arms and head from side to side. He was
followed by about 20 laughing and squealing kids.

"There he is, let's go," I said.

"You've got to be kidding," protested Scully.

"Do you want to find Mulder or not?" I asked.

"Not that badly," she replied.

Goofy and his entourage formed a small parade that was noisily
stomping around the corner toward the Golden Carousel.

"If we don't move, we're going to loose them," I warned her.

"OK, but let's keep back as far as possible," she said.

"To avoid suspicion?" I asked.

"To avoid looking like idiots," she said.

Goofy didn't go far. He just wandered aimlessly around Fantasyland
for about an hour posing for pictures and signing autographs.

"This is ridiculous," complained Scully, dabbing sweat from her face
with a napkin. "It's got to be a hundred and twelve degrees in that
costume. He should have keeled over from heatstroke by now."

As if on cue, Goofy waved goodbye to the kids and headed toward a
Cast Members Only door.

"Here we go," said Scully and we hurried over and stood beside the
door, looking expectantly at Goofy.

Disney Characters are not allowed to speak, but through the use of
elaborate pantomime, Goofy indicated to us that he wanted us to step
aside.

"We're coming with you," said Scully, turning her head so he could see
her earrings.

Goofy mimed laughing with his gloved hand over his mouth, pointed at
the Cast Members Only sign on the door, then shook his finger at us.

"Yes we are, Kim sent us, see?" said Scully holding up her castle
pendant. "Open the door."

Goofy shook his head and crossed his arms.

Scully and I crossed our arms and stared back at him...

Goofy put his hands on his hips and began tapping one of his feet.

Scully mimicked that gesture as well.

Suddenly, the door behind us opened and knocked us aside as a
maintenance worker exited. Goofy ducked through the doorway and
pulled it closed before we could stop him.

Scully banged on the door with her fists yelling, "You open this door
right now you floppy-eared cur! Open it, do you hear me?"

"I hear you, Ms. Scully," said a voice from behind us.

We whirled around to find a pair of security hosts.

"Cast members only are allowed through this door," one of them told
us while pointing helpfully to the sign. "If I may clarify that for you, it
means employees of the park, not guests."

The other host said, "We offer a behind the scenes tour every morning
at 10:00. The only other way for a guest to go through one of these
doors would be if they were being taken into security custody."

"That happens when guest is displaying disruptive behavior, such as
harassing one of our characters...." said the first host.

"Or trying to enter restricted areas of the park," finished the second.
"Have we made ourselves clear?"

"Crystal," said Scully.

"I trust we won't be having any more trouble here?" asked the first
guard.

"Trust no one," said Scully.

"She means 'yes'," I said.

The guards looked us over once more, then walked away with Scully
glaring sourly after them.

"Ssssssst!"

"Don't 'ssssssst!' me," Scully said. "I can speak for myself."

"It wasn't me," I said.

"Sssssssst!"

We looked around and saw an ice-cream vendor waving at us. When
we approached him, he held out two mouse-head-shaped ice-cream
bars.

"Here you go ladies, for the child in each of you! Just $1.95 a piece for cool
creamy enjoyment. Everyone loves ice cream."

"We don't want any," said Scully.

I nudged her. "Maybe it's another clue," I said. Chocolate always
improved my moods, maybe it would help Scully too. "We'll take
two," I told him.

As we paid the vendor he whispered to us, "If you want to get into the
tunnels, my friend Dave can help. You can find him at the top level of
the Tree House." Before we had a chance to ask any questions, he
turned away and bellowed, "Ice-cream, get your ice-cream here!", and
began pushing his cart away.

"Which way to the Tree House?" Scully asked me.

"It's in Adventureland," I said, and we set off in that direction.

Scully took a bite of her rock-hard ice-cream bar and said "Ow!, I think
I chipped a tooth."




7
It was nearly time for the afternoon parade and the streets were being
blocked off. "We have to hurry," I said. "If we don't get across now
we'll have to wait until the parade passes."

"There's going to be a parade?" Scully asked, looking up at the
thunderclouds building in the sky. "It's getting ready to pour."

I checked my watch. "No," I said. "It's only 2:00, it's not going to rain
until 3:15, and then only for twenty minutes."

"Did you pick up a schedule that I missed?" Scully asked.

"It's summer in Central Florida, it always rains for twenty minutes at
3:15," I told her.

"Well, at least it will cool things off," she said.

"Not for long," I told her. "Once the storm passes and the sun comes
back out, the temperature will go back up to 97, and the humidity will
rise to 80% as the puddles evaporate."

"I can't wait," Scully said sarcastically.

I threaded our way through the crowd that was gathering for the parade
in the circular garden at the park's hub. Scully was cut off by a woman
with a double-stroller, tried to step around the woman, and stumbled
off of the curb and under the feet of a draft-horse drawing a carriage.
The driver stopped and got out to check and see if she was all right, but the
damage was only minor she assured him, she still had eight good
toes left. The sound of trumpets heralded the parade's impending
arrival, so I hurried Scully across the street, into Adventureland and the
long queue for the Swiss Family Tree House. The faint sounds of the
Tiki Birds from the Tropical Serenade wafted through the air and I
wondered once again why I was never able to get anyone to go in
there with me. It was one of my favorite attractions.

"What is all that horrible racket?" asked Scully, but I was unable to
answer her because we were almost over run by the crowd of people
rushing out when the Tiki Bird Show ended.

We snaked our way slowly up the many levels of the Tree House, only
able to pause briefly at each exhibit to admire the Swiss Family's
ingenuity because of the pressure of the crowd behind us. At the apex
of the tree was an attendant in jungle-gear. "That must be Dave," said
Scully and we squeezed our way over to him. The man turned around,
but his name tag read 'Tom', not Dave.

"Hi," said Scully.

"Hi, yourself," said Tom amiably. He was tall and thin with curly
blonde hair sticking out beneath his pith helmet. He fixed his strangely
intense blue eyes on us and smiled. "Are you enjoying our tropical
weather? You know, it is very much the same weather that the family
Robinson would have experienced even though they were in the
South Pacific and we are in Central Florida."

"We're looking for Dave," I told Tom.

"Dave's not here," said Tom. "Did you notice that this tree is not real at
all, but fabricated entirely of steel and concrete by Disney
imagineers?"

"We really need to speak to Dave," Scully said.

"Dave would tell you the same thing," said Tom. "So would Steve, Joe,
Allison and Marcos, only he would do it with an accent because he is
from Brazil."

"Will Dave be here later?" asked Scully.

"Yes. Steve, Joe, Allison, Marcos, Dave and myself don't stay out here
in the direct sun for long stretches at a time even with these protective
hats," confided Tom. "Dave's shift is next, followed by Allison, Marcos, Steve
and Joe. Or maybe Marcos, Steve, Allison and Joe. I could be wrong, those
schedules can be confusing. We change every
hour and a half on off-peak days, every hour and fifteen minutes on
peak days and holidays except when it's raining and then....."

"Never mind," said Scully. "We'll just wait here for Dave." She and I
leaned against the railing to rest.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that," said Tom. "You must move along."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there isn't enough room for other guests to pass by efficiently
and a backup would be created. No one is allowed to just stand here,"
Tom told us.

"You just stand here," I pointed out.

Tom gave a snorty little laugh. "Yes, but I work here. It's my job to tell
people to move along. Move along," he said to us with a shooing
motion.

"Let's go," I said to Scully. "We'll can kill some time, maybe see the
Tiki Bird Show, then come back up and talk to Dave."

"Not that I would ever discourage anyone from seeing the fascinating
and entertaining Tropical Serenade," interrupted Tom, "but there's no
need to come back to talk to Dave. I can tell you anything that Dave
could."

"Can you tell us how to get into the tunnels?" asked Scully.

"Sure," said Tom. "You take a raft over to Tom Sawyer Island..."

"No, the access tunnels," I said, and was treated to that snorting laugh
again.

"Non-employees aren't allowed in the access tunnels," Tom said.
"Hasn't anyone told you that?"

"Several times," said Scully, "but my partner was taken down there and
I am going to get him out."

"How?" asked Tom - a question I didn't have the nerve to ask.

"I'll figure that out when I get in there," she said - the answer I was
afraid I would get.

"Well, I can get you in...." Tom said.

"Great," said Scully. "Do it."

"Alright. I'll just call security and have you arrested for not moving
along. They'll take you right down." He picked up his walkie-talkie.

"No, thanks," said Scully. "We'll come back and take our chances with
Dave."

"You might try Debbie...." suggested Tom.

"Debbie who?" I asked.

"Debbie in the Main Street Emporium," he answered.

"Can she get us into the tunnel?" inquired Scully.

"She sure can," said Tom.

"Where do we find her?" asked Scully.

"She'll find you," Tom said with a wink. "Trust me."

Those words are supposed to quell fear, but coming from him they had
the opposite effect on me, particularly since they were accompanied by
that [snorty ]laugh. Scully, however had turned and was already
making her way out of the tree.



8
The Main Street Emporium was the largest shop in the Kingdom,
anchored near the exit to ensure capture of the last remaining dollars of the
tourists before they made it through the turnstiles to safety.
Dalmatians were evidently the hot item of the day because they could
be found in everywhere on socks, boxer shorts, coffee mugs, watches,
even Christmas ornaments.

Debbie, however was not so easy to spot. We roamed all over the
store checking dozens of clerk's and manager's name tags - none of
them reading 'Debbie', and repeating over and over, "No thanks, we're
just looking."

"I think Tom has spent more than his hour and a half in the sun," Scully
said. "There is no one here named Debbie."

I agreed. "Let's go back to the Tree House. Maybe Dave is up there
now."

Scully gave a resigned sigh and we headed for the door. As soon as we
stepped outside, we met Debbie. She was about Scully's height, a little
younger perhaps with dark brown hair, purple-framed glasses that
matched her suit, and a security badge which she held up to us as she
said "Store security. I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."

We thought we had finally the jackpot and tried not to grin at each
other as Debbie led us to a Cast Members Only door. Once through
the door however, our desire to grin faded as we found ourselves in an
office. "Empty your bags on the desk, please," Debbie directed us.

"What is this about?" demanded Scully.

"You were observed acting suspiciously," Debbie said. "I am
investigating the two of you as possible shoplifters. Please empty your
bags on the desk."

"This is ridiculous, I'm a Federal Agent." snorted Scully.

"Shoplifters come from all walks of life, Agent Scully. You and your
partner here were observed walking around the store staring at clerks
for over half an hour without picking up or even looking at a single
piece of merchandise, then you suddenly tried to leave. That is
behavior commonly associated with shoplifters."

"We were looking for you," I said.

"I'm sure you were," Debbie replied. "Now please empty your bags on
the desk, if I find nothing inside you may leave."

We still hesitated.

Debbie said, "If you prefer, I can call the local authorities and you can talk
to them but it could be quite a while before they arrive. If you've done
nothing wrong it would be a shame to waste that much time on a beautiful day
like this."

We handed over our bags. Debbie carefully looked through each of
them, then handed them back to us. "Fine, that wasn't so bad now, was
it?" she said. "You may go.....as long as you can show me a receipt for
those earrings and that necklace."

Scully searched her wallet and handed Debbie her credit card receipt.

"This is for the earrings only," Debbie said.

"Yes well, the necklace was purchased by Agent Mulder," Scully told
her. "He has that receipt."

Debbie gave her a skeptical look. "And where is this Agent Mulder?"

"Why don't you tell me?" blurted Scully, exasperated. "You people
have him."

"Rudeness will not help your case," Debbie told her sternly.

"Just ask the clerk in the shop where we bought the necklace," I said.
"She'll remember us. Her name is Kim."

"Which shop are you referring to?" asked Debbie.

"The one in the Castle." I said, "Isn't that the only place those
necklaces are sold?"

"Hardly," replied Debbie. "That's one of our most popular items among
pre-teen girls. You can get them all over the park."

Scully sighed and rolled her eyes upwards.

Debbie sat down behind her desk, picked up the phone and punched a
few numbers.

"This is security investigating a possible 23. I need to speak to Kim,
please....Kim, hello. This is Debbie in Inventory Management. I need
to know if earlier today, you sold a crystal castle necklace to a couple
of women....they say you would remember them. One is a small red-
head, the other one is taller with brown hair, nothing particularly
remarkable about either one of them. They say they were with a
man....really? I'll ask," Debbie looked at us and said, "Is this Agent
Mulder a six-foot tall gorgeous hunk with sensitive eyes, big manly
shoulders and a butt to die for?"

"Yes," Scully and I answered in unison.

"Yes," Debbie said into the phone. "Really? And you have this all on
video? All right, I'll be over to review the tape when my shift is over." She
looked up at us and said, "You may go," then became engrossed in paperwork on
her desk.

"That's it?" asked Scully.

"Yes," said Debbie without looking up.

"You're not taking us into the tunnel?"

"Why would I do that? I have no reason to detain you do I?" asked
Debbie, looking at her closely now.

"No," answered Scully. "I just thought....actually, we were
sent....someone told us you could get us in...."

Debbie stood up. "Our tunnels are a restricted area, off limits to guests.
Any unauthorized persons found inside could be subjected to
prosecution for trespassing. If one of our cast members has told you
otherwise, I need to know who."

"No one told us anything," I stepped back and opened the door behind
us. "She's just relieved that we're not in trouble and we'll be going
now, thanks."

Scully followed me out of the office to the front entrance where we
discovered the 3:15 rainstorm in full deluge mode. I stopped, but
Scully plunged right out into the squall and sloshed down the street.
I ran after her, yelling, "Where are you going?"

"Back to the Tree House to talk to Tom," she answered without
slowing down.

"In this?" I asked, jogging along beside her.

"Yes," she said. "There will be fewer witnesses when I throw him over
the railing. He set us up to be arrested for shoplifting. Shoplifting! Can you
imagine? I would never be able to live that down."

"Tom's shift is over, he won't be there. Dave will," I said.

"Then I'll throw him over instead," she said.

The rain had to tapered off to a mere drizzle by the time we neared
the end of Main Street. A trolly car honked at us - we were
unaware that we had been walking along the tracks. As we jumped
out of the way, Scully right smack into a Mickey Mouse balloon
vendor. Scully must have thought she was being attacked, because
she went into a spinning karate kick, and tangled herself in the
balloons. The vendor was only about 17, and clearly this was not a
situation that had been covered in balloon-vendor training school. I
stayed out of the way, not sure how or even if I could help, and
watched Scully and the vendor get hopelessly tied together as they
tried to untangle themselves while the mass of mouse heads
bobbed in the air as if they were laughing at them.

"This isn't going to work," said Scully to the vendor. "You'll have
to cut me loose."

"No!" said the vendor, horrified. "I'll have to pay for all these
balloons myself!"

"It was my fault," said Scully. "I'll pay for them. Cut me loose, I'm
in a hurry!"

"You'll pay for all of them?" asked the vendor doubtfully.

"Yes, how much could it be - they're just balloons. Come on, I said
I'm in a hurry. Just do it," insisted Scully.

The girl took out a pair of scissors and began snipping at the strings.
The balloons floated away with the breeze.

"How much?" said Scully. She had pulled her wallet out of her bag
as soon as her arms were free, and now held a pair of twenty dollar
bills.

"Well, I had thirty-two deluxe balloons...." the vendor punched at
her calculator, "at $3.95 each...that comes to $126.00."

Scully stared at her with the twenty's in her hand.

"Including tax," said the vendor.

"Will you take a credit card?" Scully finally sighed.

"Certainly," said the vendor.

"I'll need a receipt," Scully told her, and we were on our way
again.



9
As I had promised, the sun came back out with a vengeance that
sucked all of the energy out of both of us. In Adventureland, we
paused on the steaming pavement, looking up at the Tree House. "I
really don't want to go all of the way back up there again," said
Scully.

"If Dave is there, maybe he'll finally be the one to help us," I said.

"I just thought of something," Scully said. "Maybe this whole thing
is all just some sick joke that Mulder arranged to get back at me for
not believing him all of the time. I wouldn't put it past him to do
something like this. If I find out this is all his doing, I'll kill him. I
have the connections to get away with it."

"We'll have to find him first," I reminded her.

So, up we climbed. There wasn't as much of a line this time. At the
top we found Dave, a tall thin young man with unruly brown hair
and huge brown eyes that he fixed upon us with a hypnotic
intensity. "What was it with these tree people?" I wondered to
myself.

"Hello," said Dave, obviously happy to have someone to talk to.
"Are you enjoying our tropical weather? We re-create it especially
for this exhibit so you can thoroughly experience the same kind of
conditions the Robinson Family did."

"We know," said Scully. "We've been up here before."

"Ah, so I don't have to tell you that this tree is actually
constructed......"

"....entirely of concrete and steel by Disney Imagineers," finished
Scully.

"Very good," said Dave with admiration in his voice, "but can you
tell me the actual height of the tree and how long it took to
construct it?"

"No, and I don't care," she said. "I just want to know..."

"What kind of real tree it is supposed to represent," Dave answered
for her. "Well, this is a carefully crafted reproduction of a Banyan
tree, generally found in..."

"I don't care," said Scully. "I want you to tell me..."

"How many people pass through the tree in a typical day?"

"No."

"Whether or not the Robinson Family actually existed?"

"No."

"Do we allow birds to nest in the tree?"

"No, stop it."

"If the Robinson's were supposed to live in the 19th century, how
can we justify the use of electric lights in this exhibit and still call it
authentic?"

"I want to know," shouted Scully, "if someone threw a Cast
Member out of this tree, would the Cast Member die instantly
upon impact with the pavement, or would they linger a while in
horrible pain?"

"Well, I don't know," said Dave.

"I can help you find out," Scully said in a tone I hadn't heard from
her before.

"What we really want to know," I said, stepping between them, "is
how we can get into the access tunnels."

"The access tunnels are a restricted area," Dave said. "You can take
the Behind The Magic tour every morning at ten and see the
tunnels as well as many other interesting off-limits sites, but if
you're not an employee, the only other way I can think of to get
down there would be to get arrested."

"So we've heard," I said.

"I'd be happy to call security for you," he offered.

"No, thanks," said Scully suddenly turning and heading back down.

I left Dave standing and followed her, surprised that she gave up
so quickly. "Where are we going?" I asked.

"To see a woman about some jewelry," she answered.

While exiting the Tree House, we were slowed by a crowd
fascinated by the resourceful Robinson Family's kitchen appliances
and had to push our way through as politely as we could, resulting
at some point in some child's half-eaten lollipop getting stuck to the
back of Scully's shorts. I could hardly get her to stop walking long
enough for me to pull it off for her.

"Ladies, there was no need to thank me in person for helping you
with that little security problem," Kim said when we walked into
her shop. "It was no trouble at all."

Scully glared at her. "At least not for you."

"Am I to assume that there was a problem with your last purchase?"
asked Kim.

"It wasn't as satisfactory as I had hoped," Scully slid the velvet mat
in front of Kim. "I'm going to need something more suitable."

Kim pushed the mat aside as she said, "You already have the entire
ensemble. I really don't have anything else to offer you. Perhaps
you'd like to look around."

Scully slid the mat back in front of Kim. "We've been looking
around," she told her.

"It's amazing how much trouble you can get into for doing that
here," I added. "In fact, we almost got arrested several times."

"Almost doesn't count," smiled Kim as she once again pushed the
mat away. "And you still haven't found what you're looking for?"

"No, we haven't even been able to get lost in the crowd like our
friend Agent Mulder," said Scully menacingly as she shoved the
mat back again. Kim tried to push it away, but this time Scully held
it firmly in place.

"I'm afraid that I am at a loss as to what to offer you this time,
Agent Scully," said Kim stepping back and shaking her head.

"I'm sure you'll think of something," I told her.

"Really, I can't," she replied.

"Now you look here," said Scully. "I'm getting tired of these
games. You and your friends have led us all over this park in 95
degree heat. We've been up the Tree House twice, I've been
stepped on by a horse, caught in a web of balloons and I had to
have help pulling some kid's lollipop off of my ass. I am no longer
in a good mood. You will find something for me."

"Well, I do have this..." said Kim, taking a box out from under the
counter.

"How much is it?"

"Let me check the price," said Kim. She turned her back to us and
scribbled something on the back of a card that was attached to a
charm bracelet, then faced us again. "$39.95. Sterling silver. A
charm for each of the Seven Dwarfs. I'm sure they will bring you
as much happiness as they did Snow White."

Scully said nothing, just handed over her credit card, and checked
for her receipt when Kim gave her the bag.

Outside, at our bench, Scully pulled out the card. I read it over her
shoulder.

Leave me alone.
I've risked enough for you already.
If you come back into my shop
I'll have you arrested.

Scully sat down hard on the bench, bowed her head and began to
shake. At first I thought she was crying, but she was laughing. It
was contagious. I sat next to her and began to giggle too, and soon
we were both hysterical. We must have been quite a sight because
a little boy pointed and asked his mother what was wrong with us.
"We don't stare at people, Johnny," his mother told him as she took
his hand and dragged him away.

Our hysterics were tapering off and we were beginning to catch
our breaths and dry our eyes when Scully's telephone rang and we
nearly fell off the bench. She snatched it out of her bag and
answered: "Scully here......Mulder? Thank God! Are you all
right?......We've been trying to find you......We have too.......We've
been all over this place.....We are not having fun......We tried that,
it didn't work.......Of course we went to the security office. They
said they didn't have you.......Yeah, well, Kim was no help at all,
she almost got us arrested......No, that's a bad idea.......No, I won't
do it.......No, Mulder. Forget it. There has to be another way. I
don't want to get arrested.......What do you mean 'why not'?"

She put her hand over the mouthpiece and said to me, "He wants
us to get arrested."

"I don't want to get arrested," I said.

"Linda said she doesn't want to get arrested either, Mulder," Scully
said into the phone. "Most likely for the same reason I don't - She
doesn't want to lose her job.........Don't do this Mulder. Don't.....All
right, yes. You have saved my life......Yes, you've saved it a
number of times.......Yes, I know that you would do it again if the
situation called for it.......And you know that I have saved yours
more than once, but I don't know what any of this has to do
with........I had to shoot you, I had no choice......I did not - you were out
of control......I said I was sorry......You got better.......All right, fine.
I'll do it."

She hung up the phone, and said into the dead receiver, "Don't
think I won't shoot you again."

Scully put her telephone away and stood up. "I have to go," she
said. "He's my partner. They may be able to make one person
disappear, but not two."

"Or three," I said, also standing.

"I can't ask you to come with me," Scully said. "He's my
responsibility, not yours," Scully told me.

"I am your tour guide - both of you are my responsibility. I must
remain with my group. It's our credo," I informed her.

"Yeah, well the FBI's credo is "Always get your man", but I don't
think it was intended this way," she replied. "Are you sure you're
with me? You could lose your job."

"I took a solemn oath in Orlando Tour Guide School. 'Through rain
and heat and mosquito-filled night, I will see my group safely
through their tour no matter how cranky, whiney or otherwise
irritating they may be.' I won't abandon the principals they instilled
in me at that fine institution to save my job. I wouldn't want to work
for a company that would ask me to. I'm with you until I get you
back to your hotel."

Scully stared at me with tears in her eyes. I was feeling a bit
choked up myself. It was one of those rare bonding moments
between guide and guest that make this job worth all the sunburns
and blistered heels.

"Let's do it," Scully said. We took a moment to pull ourselves together
and then we marched side by side back to the castle one last time.



10
We paused just outside the entrance to the gift shop. Kim spied us and
moved close to the red panic button on the column behind her.

Scully and I each picked up one foot.......

Kim's hand hovered over the button.......

We stepped into the store.....

Kim hit the panic button. Instantly, the wall that Chrissi had been taken into
so long ago burst open. Two security hosts rushed out. One of
them grabbed Scully, the other took me. My last glimpse of the outside
world was of Kim's smiling face as we were hustled through the door
and into the bowels of the Magic Kingdom.

The bright colors and cheerful atmosphere of the park above did not
extend into the underground. Here, the grey-green walls were dimly
lit and interrupted only by doors bearing the names of the shop,
restaurant or attraction above. Grim-faced cast members, some of them
in street clothes, some in costume, hurried up and down the corridor,
stepping aside as the occasional golf cart sped by.

Scully and I were led through about half a mile of tunnel before we
came to an elevator that required the use of a key held by one of our
security hosts. They took us down one floor, and we exited into a
narrower, dimmer corridor than the one above. This tunnel had fewer
doors and most of them were unmarked.

After about fifty yards or so, we came to a door ominously marked
'Aberrant Guest Containment'. One of the hosts unlocked it and we
were ushered through into a room that looked like a sheriff's
department set from on old movie. A sleepy-looking man in a deputies
uniform lounged with his feet up on a receiving desk. Behind him,
dividing the room was a waist-high wooden partition with a swinging
door in the center. The rest of the room consisted of three iron-barred
cells lining the back wall. Each cell was separated from the others by
about a couple of feet and had two bunks and a bench inside. The cell
on the right was occupied by a figure lying on one of the bunks. I
assumed it was Mulder, but his attention was held by a TV playing
cartoons parked on a cart in front of the cell and he did not look up
when we entered. Both of the other cells were empty.

The deputy yawned and stood up. "Good afternoon, Agent Scully,
Miss. Linda. I was wondering when you two would finally make it
down here," he said to us. "I'm afraid you missed lunch, but Sally will
be bringing supper around shortly."

The guards who had brought us down turned wordlessly and left.

"I apologize to you for their appalling lack of civility," said the deputy
shaking his head. "But not all of us had the fortune of being brought up in
the South. Let me introduce myself to you ladies...I'm Deputy Bill. It's my
belief that incarceration doesn't have to be an altogether unpleasant
experience and we'll all get along just fine as long as you remember who is in
charge."

Deputy Bill had us deposit our bags in a locked drawer in his desk. He
then took a huge key-ring off a hook on the wall and walked us back to
the empty cell in the center and unlocked the door. "Ladies," He said.
Scully and I stepped inside and he closed the door with a resounding clang.

"Now you be sure to let me know if there is anything I can do for you,"
he said, then returned to his desk to continue his nap.

The person in the cell next to us was lying on the bunk closest to our
cell. On the floor next to the bunk was a small pile of sunflower seed
shells. It was indeed Agent Mulder. "Hi, Scully. Hi Linda," he said
without taking his eyes off the TV. "Did you bring me something to
drink?"

"You have got to be kidding," sputtered Scully.

"No," Mulder said, glancing over at us. "These sunflower seeds are
pretty salty and it's been a couple of hours since the deputy's wife
brought lunch. I knew you'd be coming sooner or later, so I saved you
each a brownie." He held up the plastic-wrapped treats.

Arms outstretched and claws extended, Scully launched herself at the
bars separating our cells with a cry of pure rage.

Mulder was caught by surprise at her sudden fit of anger and
reflexively rolled backward off of the bunk in an attempt at self-
preservation.

"I knew you would have preferred one without nuts Scully, but this is
all they had," he said as he got up off the floor.

Scully's arms fell just short of Mulder's cell, so she pulled them back
inside her own.

"I would have preferred to not be here at all!" she spat.

Mulder took a couple of cautious steps closer. "It's really not so bad,
Scully," Mulder told her. "Look around. Almost everything in here is
an antique, or an authentic reproduction of 1950's Americana, except
for the color TV of course, and the air-conditioning."

"It's jail, Mulder, see these bars?" Scully said, shaking them for
emphasis.

Mulder moved right up against the bars, threw a glance at the dozing
deputy and whispered "It's Disney jail, Scully. It isn't real. I don't even
think the woman who brought lunch was really the deputy's wife."

Scully reached though the bars again and grabbed two fistfuls of
Mulder's shirt. She had been faking it.

"I'll tell you what's real Mulder," she hissed. "What's real is the case
we were assigned to, 60 miles north of here. What's real is the phone
call I'm going to have to make to Skinner asking him to bail us the hell
out of here, and the field report I'll have to write explaining all that's
happened these last two days. Tell me how I am supposed to justify
showing up on a case a day late because we went to Disney World.
How am I going to explain the destruction of a $3000.00 big screen
TV?"

"You told her about that?" Mulder leaned around Scully to look at me.
"I want my $50.00 back."

"Shut up!" commanded Scully, jerking Mulder against the bars. "Fifty
dollars is not nearly enough for the aggravation you've caused her.
How about all the money I had to spend to find you? Who's going to
pay me back?" She released him with a shove and turned away, sitting
on the bunk in our cell with her back to him, defeated and worn out.

Mulder smoothed out his shirt and remained standing where she left
him. "Just put it on your expense account," he suggested.

"$60.00 for tacky jewelry, $16.00 for a Mickey Mouse autograph book
and "$126.00 worth of balloons?" she asked. "They're sure to get a big
kick out of that back at headquarters."

"Well, put it on my expense account," he said. "They never say
anything to me." He reached through the bars and put his hand on her
shoulder. She brushed it off and moved to the bunk against the wall.
Scully sat down, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and
her face in her hands.

Mulder watched her. "It's going to be all right Scully," he said. "I'll tell
them it was my idea, not yours."

Scully didn't look up as she said, "Somehow, I think they'll already
know that."

A telephone rang at the receiving desk, jerking Deputy Bill awake. He
answered it.

"Whatever happens, it will be worth it," Mulder persisted. "We're
going to get to see the Head."

"There is no Head, Mulder," Scully said wearily.

Deputy Bill hung up the phone, turned to us and said, "You folks ready
to go see the Head?"

"What?" asked Scully, raising her head and looking around as if she
were not sure if she were awake or dreaming.

"We sure are," said Mulder.

"What?" asked Scully again.

Deputy Bill sauntered back to the cells with his jingling key ring.

"Ladies first," he said as he opened our cell, then moved on to
Mulder's. "They'll be coming to get you shortly. I'll give you back your
personal items since you won't be coming back this way."

"Where are we going?" Scully asked the guard.

"Why, I just told you, little lady. You're going to see the Head." He
walked back to his desk and unlocked the drawer. "You could learn a
thing or two from your friend here. He pays attention."

The door to the corridor opened and a guard came in.

"They're all yours," Deputy Bill told him.

"Please come with us," said the guard, and held open the door.
Waiting in the corridor was a second guard sitting in the driver's seat of a
six passenger golf cart. We boarded the trailer as instructed and the cart
took off with a jerk, moving in the opposite direction from which we had been
brought in. The corridor became darker the further we went. There were no
other people here, and no signs labeling the few doors that we passed.
At one point I thought I heard, very faintly, the song 'Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah',
filtering down from above, but it could have just been my imagination.



11
We finally stopped in front of an elevator which we ushered into for a
ride down what had to have been several floors. When the elevator
stopped and the doors opened, the guards stood in place, and motioned
for us to step out into a small reception area. The elevator then closed
behind us. A huge pair of decorative double doors was centered on
one wall, but our attention was seized by a large rectangular window
that ran the length of the opposite wall. The window provided a view
down into a sterile computer room, rather like the one seen on TV
during NASA launches. About twenty white-coated technicians sat in
front of control panels, monitoring readouts. At least as many others
busied themselves at workstations covered with equipment right out of
a mad-scientist movie, complete with colored liquid bubbling in glass
tubes suspended over tiny blue flames and buzzing arcs of electricity
sparking into the air across gaps in coiled wire.

The receptionist, whom we had barely noticed, smiled at us and
pushed a button, causing a steel shutter to slide across, closing off the
window. Mulder leaned to one side, following the shutter's track in an effort
to maximize his viewing time.

"We've been expecting you," the receptionist said. "You may go in as
soon as I go over a few rules with you. The first is no metal may enter
The Room. You must remove all metal objects from your persons and
deposit it these courtesy envelopes."

We complied, placing our jewelry and watches in the envelopes she
provided for us. Scully seemed to have given up, because she was
strangely non-argumentative.

"Your hair will have to come down," The receptionist said to Scully
and me. "There is metal in your ponytail elastics. No metal is allowed
in The Room."

"What about zippers?" Mulder asked, his hand poised over his fly.
"There is metal in zippers."

"We make an exception for zippers," she replied with a cold smile.

Scully emitted a sigh of relief as she shook out her hair.

The receptionist surveyed the three of us.

"There will be no eating, drinking, smoking or flash photography in
The Room. You must wear your safety goggles at all times."

She handed us each a pair of dark-lensed sunglasses set in a one-piece
purple plastic frame.

"These goggles must be returned to us when you leave The Room,"
she said sternly to Scully.

"When you enter The Room, proceed to the footmarks on the floor,
that is where you must remain unless otherwise instructed by The
Head. Do you understand?"

We each nodded and turned to face the double doors. The receptionist
walked to the wall, flipped open a hidden panel and pressed a button. I
was alarmed to see mist begin seeping out from all of the seams in the
door, accompanied by a dull, throbbing hum. The doors began to
slowly swing open and the mist flooded out and enveloped us.

"Goggles!" hissed the receptionist, clapping her hands, and we hastily
put them on.

"Step inside," she urged.

Scully, Mulder and I exchanged looks, joined hands and hesitantly
stepped into The Room. Much of the mist had dissipated into the
reception area and was shut out along with the comforting light as the
doors closed behind us. We stood still for a moment as our eyes
adjusted to the dimmness, then became aware of three pairs of glowing
footprints on the floor indicating where we should stand. As a unit, we
stepped forward, each taking a place on the footprints. Ten feet in front of
us was a floor to ceiling circular curtain surrounded above and
below by a ring of recessed blue lights. The humming sound seemed
to come from behind the curtain. It filled the room, not quite loud
enough to block out the sound of our own breathing.

At once, the lights grew brighter and the curtain began to draw back,
revealing one grey metallic cylinder rising from the floor, stopping
three feet below a twin cylinder that projected from the ceiling.
Suspended between them was a transparent glass orb within which
floated a ghostly human head - the head of Walt Disney. "Well,
now.,"said The Head, "So you are the ones causing so much trouble
today. Very few people make it all the way down here to see me, and
I must say that I am amazed when any of them do. There are so many
fun and exiting things to do in each of my parks, why would anyone
want risk being arrested and prosecuted for trespassing just to see little old
me? Of course you realize you could even be banned from the park."

I gasped at that last notion as The Head paused to let it sink in.

"No one could ever say that I am no a fair man however, so I will
allow each of you to tell me why you are here, and base my decision
on what you have to say for yourselves. You there, on the left, come
forward." He was speaking to me.

A patch of while light illuminated the carpet a few feet in front of us. I
swallowed, released Mulder's hand and stepped into the light, the
words "banned from the park" ringing in my ears.

"Mr. Disney, sir," I began, "I am Linda..."

"I know who you are, child," interrupted The Head.

"Of course you do, your Disembodiedness, I am so sorry..."

"No need to apologize, and please, call me Walt."

"Al right, Mr. Waltz, sir.."

"Just Waltz," chuckled The Head.

"Waltz," I repeated. "I am here only as a hired tour guide for my clients
behind me. I am aware that as far as you are concerned I have acted
improperly, but I feel that my primary responsibility as a tour guide is to
maintain my group integrity and cohesiveness. It is for that reason and that
reason only that I have been in so many places and situations that I shouldn't
have today and I feel that this will serve as a learning experience and help
me to avoid such incidents in the future. I promise to remember to forget that
I have seen any of this, especially you, sir. I ask you to please find it in
your heart to overlook everything except my apology and allow me to continue
my work showing people the wonders of your Magic Kingdom."

"OK," said The Head

"Oh, thank you, sir." I said reverently. "Your example of fairness and
generosity will never be forgotten and I will always strive to treat
everyone I come in contact with the very same way you've treated me
today."

"That's nice," said The Head, "Now please step back. Next I will hear
from you, Agent Mulder."

I stepped back, and Mulder took my place in the light.

"Why are you here?" asked The Head.

"I've come looking for the truth," replied Mulder.

"The truth about what?"

"The truth about everything."

"Can you be more specific?"

Mulder's voice grew stronger. "I want to know all about the mind
control experiments you are conducting here. I want the truth about
UFOS, aliens, and the government conspiracies and cover-ups
involving alien-human hybrids. And let's not forget about demons,
vampires, ghosts, Big Foot, werewolves, sewer-men, zombies, the
Loch Ness Monster, spontaneous combustion, psychic abilities,
telekinesis, astral projection, Stonehenge, Easter Island, the Bermuda
Triangle, that little computer chip that was implanted in the back of
Agent Sully's neck, and what happened to my sister."

"I'm sorry, but I'm a bit hard of hearing these days," said The Head.
"You'll have to ask those questions again, one at a time, and try to
enunciate more clearly."

"I want to know about the technology that keeps you alive," said
Mulder.

"Why, that's easy," replied The Head. "There's nothing technical about
it. It's magic."

"Magic?" repeated Mulder incredulously.

"Yes, my son. With Dinghy Magic, anything is possible."

"No it isn't," argued Mulder.

"Yes it is. As long as your heart is pure, your dreams will come true
when you wish upon a star."

"That's nonsense."

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is. There's no such thing as magic," Mulder insisted.

"There most certainly is!" declared The Head. "You'll find it
everywhere in my Kingdom - in every brick of every building, in
every leaf on every tree, in every smile on every person young and
young at heart."

Molder's expression intensified. "When you say magic you really
mean mind control don't you?" he challenged.

"No..." The Head said slowly. "I mean magic as in 'Supercalifragilistic'
and 'Bibbity Bobbity Boo' and pixie dust."

"Those are words from an alien language and pixie dust is some sort of
drug that you sprinkle on people to render them helpless against the
effects of the brainwashing waves that you are transmitting from all of
those speakers hidden in the bushes all over the park, aren't they?"
exclaimed Mulder.

"Is something wrong with you?" asked The Head.

"If there is, maybe it's because I'm putting up more resistance to your
mind control than most and it's having an adverse effect on me,"
Mulder answered.

"There is something wrong with you," The Head shook sadly. "How
many times did you ride Space Mountain today?" It asked Mulder.

"Why? Is that where you keep the primary brain wave transmitter?"
Mulder demanded suspiciously.

"No, it's just that it's a pretty rough ride and it sometimes shakes people
silly," answered The Head.

"If the transmitter is not in Space Mountain, there where is it? I want to
know," demanded Mulder. "Is it in the Castle? Town Hall? On one of
the cars on the Skyway to Fantasyland?"

"I'll tell you what, son. My Fantasyland pales next to yours. These
parks of mine have nothing to do with aliens or mind control. It's
entertainment, pure and simple. You need to get off of caffeine and
onto Prozac. Big Foot, Zombies, telekinesis - ask a Ouiji Board, not
me. How would I know about government coverups....I'm the head of
Disney, not the CIA. The truth is out there, go look for it and leave me
alone."

"I'm not leaving until I get some answers," insisted Mulder.

"I want some answers too," said The Head. "I want to know how a
lunatic like you is wandering around loose in public carrying a gun and
representing the US Government when he should be locked up in an
insane asylum."

"Now you wait just a minute," snapped Scully. "You can't talk to him
like that!"

"Yes I can. He wanted the truth and I'm giving it to him," The Head
told her. "You're his partner, you know his elevator doesn't go all the
way to the top."

"Stop it," said Scully.

"Scully, you don't have to defend me," Mulder told her.

"He's one barber short of a quartet."

"Cut it out," Scully warned.

"Really, Scully, it's not necessary," said Mulder. "I'm used to this kind of
thing."

"A taco without a shell...."

"That's enough...." she cautioned, taking a step toward The Head.

Mulder caught her arm and said "Just ignore him."

"His keyboard is missing the 'enter' key..."

"Well, that one kind of hurt," admitted Mulder.

"I'm warning you...." hissed Scully at The Head.

The Head hesitated a moment, then said triumphantly "One vote short
of an Emmy."

Scully lost it and threw herself at The Head. Mulder tackled her but
only managed to grab one of her shoes. Momentum propelled her
forward but not far enough and she landed with one hand inside the
circle of blue light....which switched to red. Mist began pouring out of
the ceiling and floor again as warning bells sounded and sparks flew
from the orb as The Head within it started to spin.

"Uh, oh," said Mulder. "I don't think you should have done that."

"I think you're right," Scully said, as Mulder helped her to her feet.
They backed away as the orb began to wobble violently on it's axis.

"Let's get the hell out of here," said Mulder.

I was ahead of them on that one and was already pawing at the double
doors behind us.

"There's no handle on this side," I cried, "We're trapped!" Mulder and
Scully joined me at the door and we desperately searched for
fingerholds to pry it open. A loud POP! sounded and I looked back in
time to see the orb fly from it's moorings straight toward us.

"Incoming!" I shouted and we threw ourselves away from the doors
just as the orb crashed into it and shattered. The room then went black
and the air filled with the smell of ozone. The silence was deafening
now that the bells had stopped ringing. We huddled together in a heap
on the floor, not one of us having the courage to take a breath.




12

A muffled voice saying "Hey, what happened?" made us all jump. It
was coming from somewhere beyond the perimeter of the room.

Another voice answered "I dunno, I think they overloaded it. I told you
we should have installed a surge-suppressor."

A bright line of light appeared in the wall to our right. Two more lines
appeared above and below it, extending to one side, forming the
outline of a door. Our glasses shielded our eyes from the glare as two
technicians carrying toolboxes and armfuls of cable. They went straight
for the twin cylinders where the orb had once floated. All that was left
of it now was a pile of glass on the floor.

A man in a suit entered after them. He crunched through the broken
glass and approached us.

"I'm sorry, folks. I guess that's the end of the show. It's amazing what
we can do with computers these days, isn't it?" he said.

"You call this a show?" sputtered Scully.

"Yeah, good one too, wasn't it? A few tricks from the Haunted
Mansion, a few from the Alien Encounter, and yours truly providing
the dialogue. I thought things went pretty well except for that little
glitch at the end. The globe is not supposed fly across the room like
that. I hope you are all OK," said the man, with concern in his voice.

"I don't think any of us were hurt, but you'll certainly be getting a
laundry bill from me," said Mulder.

The man laughed. "A sense of humor! I like that. I'm Michael Eisner.
Pleased to meet you. Let me give you a hand there." He helped
Mulder up, and then reached out his hand to assist Scully, who refused
it. "No introductions necessary from the three of you of course, Agents
Mulder, Scully and Tour Guide Linda," Eisner grinned.

"Of course," said Scully with a withering glare.

Eisner motioned toward another set of double doors now clearly
visible in the light. "Why don't you all come into my office and we can
have a chat." We followed him into an executive office, lushly
appointed with black leather furniture, redwood paneling and brass
accents. Two potted palms flanked an immense aerial photograph of
the Disney properties behind the desk where Eisner took a seat. "Its a
Small World" was playing faintly in the background.

*It's a world of laughter, a world of tears,*

Eisner pressed a button on his intercom and spoke into it.

"Judy, can you bring us some refreshments please? How about some
of those cinnamon buns, and maybe a turkey leg for Agent Mulder. I
really pulled a number on these good people and I'd like to try and
make it up to them."

"Please join me," he said to us, and motioned to the three chairs that
had been placed in front of his desk. We could hear the song more
clearly there. It seemed to come from all corners of the office.

*It's a world of hope and a world of fears.*

"How do we know this isn't a set up for another 'show'?" asked Scully.

"You don't," said Eisner with a grin. "But please join me anyway. Isn't
this fun?"

We each took a chair. A receptionist entered with a tray of drinks and
cinnamon buns which she place on Eisner's desk. "I'm sorry Mr.
Eisner, there are no turkey legs left," she said.

*there's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware,*

Mulder gave me a dirty look which I ignored. I was listening to the
words of It's a Small World, children's happy voices singing about
world unity. I reached for a glass of soda as the song reached the end
of it's verse, and looped back again to the endless chorus.

*It's a small world, after all.*

"It's diet cola for you and Agent Scully, and an root beer for Agent
Mulder," Eisner said to me, looking pleased with himself. "I've been
monitoring each of you and your purchases all day."

*It's a small world, after all,*

I felt all the tension of the day melting away with the music as the
universal truth of the words began to sink in. The words were now in
Portuguese, but the meaning was the same.

*It's a small world, after all,*

"You've monitored us all day?" asked Scully picking up the other soda.

*It's a small world, after all,*

"Oh yes, right from the start when Agent Mulder was spotted with his
gun. We have this entire park covered with enough cameras that we
can follow a person through their entire day here. I often do - it's a real
hoot you know. Perhaps you'd like to see some of the tapes I've
made....people do the darndest things when they think no one is
looking."

*It's a world of hope,*

"I'd rather just get to the point," interrupted Scully. I thought she
needed to lighten up a bit. Wasn't she paying attention to the message
of the song? Maybe she didn't understand Swahili.

*and a world of fears,*

"What point is that.....?" Eisner asked Scully.

"Why did you bring us here?" Scully reminded him.

*It's a world of laughter,*

"You're here because this is where you thought you wanted to be, or
where Agent Mulder thought he wanted to be, anyway. Where you've
ended up is where I wanted you to be, only not when. If I'd had my
way, you would have been here this morning and we could have
gotten this whole thing over with before noon. Agent Mulder was on
time, thanks to a little help from those unruly guests, but neither you or
your guide Linda could seem to take a hint even though Kim, Mari,
Tom, Dave and the all of the others did do their best."

*a world of tears.*

"Their 'hints' almost got us arrested," I said, hating to disagree with
anyone on this small world.

*There's so much*

"Almost is the key word. You didn't actually get arrested until the fifth try,
and that time Agent Mulder had to help," pointed out Eisner
soothingly.

*that we share,*

Scully stood up. "You were in on this?" she asked Mulder,
incredulous.

"Well, sure," Mulder told her. "I had to get you down here with me.
They wouldn't take me to see The Head by myself."

*That it's time*

"And you thought me and Linda getting arrest records was a fair
admission price?"

"Well...." hedged Mulder.

*we're aware,*

"You won't have an arrest record," interjected Eisner. "Now that you
know there is nothing to these silly 'Head' rumors, you are all free to
go."

*It's a small world*

Free to go. I knew Mr Eisner had to be a nice man. Everyone would
be nice if they only paid attention to the message.

*after all*

"Why go to all this trouble?" Scully asked Eisner. "Why couldn't you
just bring us here in the first place?"

*It's a small world after all,*

"Agent Scully, these rumors have been floating around for as long as
this park has been open," explained Eisner. "Ignoring or denying them
only serves to convince some people that there is a cover-up
conspiracy, and the more ambitious of them will try to uncover it. If we
made it too easy, no one would believe us. Besides, this way is so
much more fun for all of us."

*It's a small world after all,*

My mind kept wandering from the conversation to the music and the
glorious lyrics of the chorus that so simplified all the world's problems. I
could hardly concentrate on anything else. Suddenly, I felt a bit woozy. I
took another sip of my soda.

*It's a small world after all,*

"What about the answers to my questions?" asked Mulder.

"I don't have the answers to those questions," said Eisner.

*It's a small world after all,*

I heard Scully sit down in her chair. She picked up her cup of soda and
took a drink.

*It's a*

"UFOS, swamp monsters, vampires.....I know nothing about that sort of
thing," Eisner protested in a voice that had become droning, but
somehow soothing at the same time...

*Small world,*

Scully slumped over in her seat and dropped her cup of soda. It
splashed onto Mulder's shoe, but he was staring at Eisner and didn't
seem to notice.

*After all*

Now, you mentioned losing your sister. Maybe you should ask our
missing persons desk about her."

*It's*

"She [disappeared] in 1973....." slurred Mulder.

*a*

"Well, we've been open since 1971," said Eisner. He picked up his
telephone. "Why don't I give them a call?"

*smaaall woorlld*

Mulder slid out of his chair and onto the floor at my feet. I tried to
reach for him but found I couldn't move. The room began to spin and
go dark.

*aaafteeer alllll*

"Hey," I said.......


......as I woke up in the back seat of our car. Mulder and Scully were
just awakening in the front seat and looking around disappointedly. It
was dark, and the huge parking lot was eerily empty. "How did we get
here?" I asked groggily.

I don't know," replied Mulder.

My head felt like a lead weight and my vision was fuzzy. I squeezed
my eyes shut to and clear them. I heard the car door open and close.
Mulder had gotten out of the car and was pacing like a grizzly bear.
Scully and I got out as well.

"What time is it?" Mulder asked.

I looked at my wrist but my watch was gone. I found it along with my
jewelry and ponytail-holder in an envelope with my name on it that
had been pinned to my shirt. Mulder and Scully also had envelopes
pinned to them.

"3am," answered Scully after she had taken her watch out of her bag.
"God, my head. Eisner must have drugged us."

"No," said Mulder. "He probably hypnotized us with subliminal
messages in the music so they could get us out of there without seeing
the real Head. I'm going back in," Mulder said.

"The park is closed," I said.

"First thing in the morning then. There's got to be a way," he persisted.

"Forget it Mulder. We've been inside, there is no Head," Scully told
him.

"That's what Eisner wants us to believe Scully," persisted Mulder.
"But, if he has nothing to hide why would he hypnotize us and drop us
in the parking lot?"

"Whether we were hypnotized or drugged, he did it to get us out of his
hair and to shut you up," Scully said. "I've been tempted to drug you a
number of times myself to shut you up and so has Skinner."

"Eisner is trying to hide something Scully, and I'm going to find out
what it is," said Mulder. "Are you with me?"

"No," said Scully. "Tomorrow I will be in Mount Dora investigating a
real crime scene."

"Then how about you?" Mulder asked me.

"I have to escort a group of senior citizens through Sea World." I told
him.

"Then I'll go alone." He sat stubbornly on the hood of the car to wait.

Scully walked over and stood in front of him. They were eye level
with him seated and her standing.

"It's time to give this one up Mulder," she said gently. "They're not
going to let you see anything more than you already have."

He looked away.

"You have a job to do while you still have one," she persisted. "How
many times do you think you can step over the line and have Skinner
pull you back?"

She leaned into his line of sight and he turned his head in the other
direction.

"Come with me to Mount Dora," she said. "It'll be fun. Three missing
bodies, no sign of forced entry, inextinguishable candles....You know
you love that sort of thing."

Still no response.

Scully leaned in closer.

"I heard that all of the black cats in the town are missing and there is
talk of a Satanic Cult...."

"We take I-4 to get up there, right? Is that a toll road?" asked Mulder.




Epilogue

It's been three weeks now, and I must admit I rather miss the Agents
Mulder and Scully. It was the most interesting tour I've ever guided,
not that I wouldn't run screaming away if they ever came back again.
Walt, or Mr. Eisner I should say, made good on his promise to let me
keep my job. I even have access to the Disney Employee Cafeteria,
something most outsiders can only dream about.

I have been having these persistent dreams - probably an after-effect
from whatever they drugged us with, but I can never remember more
than a few images: Disney Characters taking off their costumes to
reveal tiny hairless, grey-skinned people with huge eyes. My body
being lifted into the air by a white light and floating onto a table in a room
filled with masked technicians. A voice inside my head telling
me everything would be all right as long as I don't resist. These are
frightening images, but somehow I always feel rested when I wake up,
rather than afraid. Actually, I feel good all of the time now. I find
myself smiling at people more, and I seem to be able to overlook the
little everyday things that used to upset me. My supervisors have
noticed and remarked favorably about the changes in me. I'm very
optimistic about my upcoming job performance review.

I've noticed one strange thing, however. Each time I go through the
metal detector at the airport, the darned thing goes off. I guess it's just my
newly magnetic personality! I don't look at it as an inconvenience though, I
enjoy the chance to chat with the airport guards more often. They are really
very nice people, and they always tell me to have a nice day. I always do.
Everyone has a nice day when then visit the Magic Kingdom. Maybe you
should come to Florida and have a nice day too. We'll be waiting for you.