[1] {Something new I'm starting, hoping to stick with it. Reviews are welcome! Enjoy.}
It'd never been easy to love her. And even now, what, how many years later? It still wasn't easy. Time was such a blur to him. Then again, it wasn't. He still remembered the day she'd left, the day she'd told him she didn't want to be a part of his life. Tomorrow would make the fourth year since she'd said, "I love you." It just never got any easier.
In his memory, it was as clear as the way Seattle's sky turned light blue in the summer.
And it had been summer. She was walking her dog at the beach, her golden retriever named Zeus. Derek could still recall the shiny coat of fur Zeus wore proudly, could still remember how he'd thought to himself that whoever owned that dog must've loved him a great deal. And in the near future, little did Derek know that he'd come to love Zeus' owner a great deal.
Meredith had been wearing this light, flowing dress. He could never properly remember the name of women's clothing, but he supposed it was a sundress. It was white, and it was airy. The straps clung to her shoulders and the dress fitted her form so closely that he swore she made every man's head turn as she passed by. She had this ridiculous sunhat balanced on top of her head, complete with a light green bow as well. But she looked good. She looked really good, and if he closed his eyes, he could still see everything about that moment exactly as it'd happened.
Zeus broke away from Meredith so quickly that it took her by surprise, startling her so much that she dropped the leash, giving Zeus free reign to go wherever he desired. And to Derek's own surprise, the dog had bounded right up to him, nuzzling his head underneath Derek's hand. "Hey boy," he'd said, chuckling as Meredith followed shortly after, one hand holding the hat to her head.
"I'm so sorry," she apologized, picking up Zeus' leash from the hot sand. "He must really like you. He does that sometimes, just takes off, or tries to anyway. He's never quite gotten away with so much strength though. Like I said, he must really like you," she explained, smiling so sweetly that Derek had to blink a few times to make sure she was really there, smiling at him.
"No problem," he grinned, waving his hand like it wasn't a big deal. "They are man's best friend, after all," he winked, to which she laughed.
"Well, thank you for making him stay. I should get going. But, it was nice meeting you," she said, shaking his hand.
"Nice meeting you too," he replied, and then she was gone, Zeus pulling her off to another section of the beach. All too late, Derek wondered why he'd never asked for her name. Even now, four years later, he still couldn't figure out why he hadn't asked her name; especially since she continued to stay at the forefront of his mind for the rest of that blazing August month. For another month and a half, she was just the pretty girl with the blonde hair and the golden retriever. He kept hoping he'd see her again, but he was never sure if he would.
Then suddenly it was September, the middle of September to be exact, and the rain had started pouring from the gray Seattle clouds like their lives depended on it. The colors of the leaves were changing with autumn as Derek walked into the grocery store, hands kept warm in his pockets as he headed to the back to grab a gallon of milk. He wasn't much of a cook, which wasn't surprising anyway, but it was alright as long as he had instant noodles and frozen TV dinners and cereal. He happened to be running low on milk though, with boxes of cereal to spare, so that rainy afternoon he'd forced himself out of the house to stock up. He was forever glad he did.
"Thanks," he smiled at the cashier before walking out the doors and back into the cold weather, stuffing the receipt into his pocket just as his eyes caught on a blonde figure struggling with an armful of groceries. The rain falling hard now, Derek frowned, not wanting this damsel in distress to continue on being distressed. "Here, let me help you with that," he called out as he approached her, relieving her of a few paper bags of dog food and other dog related items.
"Oh, thank you," his damsel said, turning her face towards him and brushing a strand of hair from her forehead. Derek was immediately taken aback, recognizing her almost immediately even though she'd ditched the dress and hat for jeans and a raincoat.
"You're welcome," he marveled, handing her the items she'd purchased bag by bag until they were safely in her trunk.
"Again, thank you. It's not every day a stranger helps me out," she laughed, and Derek joined in, although his mind was still preoccupied by the fact that she was actually in front of him again, instead of on the beach like he'd relived so many times.
"I um," he paused, and she looked up at him expectantly. Did she really not recognize him? "We met, earlier. In the summer. August, on the beach. You were walking your dog and he ran up to me…" Derek trailed off; embarrassed by the funny look she was giving him.
She laughed lightly, tilting her head to study him.
"You don't remember me, do you? D***, am I really that forgettable?" He laughed nervously.
"Oh, you're blushing," she pointed out, making him laugh nervously some more. "Can you—can you take off your hood for a second?"
He obliged her strange request, pulling off the hood. He would come to realize that he'd do just about anything for her.
"It's the hair," she said, giggling at his blank expression. "Of course you're not that forgettable. I recognized you, I just didn't know if you recognized me."
"It's hard to miss those blue eyes," he said simply, relieved that he hadn't made a total fool of himself. It was her turn to blush, much to Derek's amusement, and he could feel himself relaxing and reclaiming his game. "Derek," he said, extending his hand to her for the second time in his life.
"Meredith," she said, taking his hand and giving it a shake.
It was so much different that second time. For one, the weather had been different—rain soaked through his hair and their clothes, the wind whistled through the trees. And two, he knew that he'd be seeing her again. He'd given her a smile, both of them aware that the handshake was lasting much too long, but not caring one bit. It was serendipity.
Now present day, Derek walked through the glass doors of SGMW, shaking off his umbrella from the onslaught of rain. Today was the day. Four years. Mark approached him in the lobby, falling into step beside him as they headed towards the elevator. Once inside, Derek stood there silently, watching the numbers indicating the floors passing by while Mark coughed next to him.
"So, today."
"Yeah, today."
"Do you need some time?" Mark asked, not even waiting for an answer before he pulled the emergency button. The elevator came to a halt, softly humming while Derek stood there still, before his face crumpled and he had to turn to the back wall to hide his emotions. Mark stood there next to him, just standing with his arms crossed, while Derek collected himself.
Rubbing his eyes and taking in a deep breath, Derek once again faced forward. "Okay."
Mark nodded, pushing the button again, and the elevator resumed its pace. "When are you going to tell her?" He asked eventually, as the elevator doors reopened.
"Tell who?" Derek asked, walking out of the confined space to get onto his day's work.
"Today," Meredith said aloud when she woke up, a little after 10am. Like saying it out loud would make it hurt less. Her head was pounding, but not from a hangover. It was just a migraine, and the drinking would come tonight. She'd nicknamed the day as "drinking day", fondly so. She always got unbearably drunk on the 31st of January, after struggling through the whole day with an aching heart. She always felt like she was done with trying, but she never was.
"God, I need to get to work," she muttered, pressing her hand to her forehead with her eyes shut tightly, as if she could somehow contain the headache or make it go away.
After a quick shower and a few cups of coffee, she made it into work, pulling on her lab coat as she walked down the hall. "Dr. Grey," she heard the Chief of Surgery calling, but she ignored the voice and kept walking. "Dr. Grey," the Chief said again, and Meredith reluctantly turned around.
"Good morning, Dr. James," she said as brightly as possible, giving the business-dressed, high powered brunette a smile.
"Why are you here, Meredith?" Katherine James asked, sighing as she regarded the blonde doctor standing before her. "You took the day off; you always take this day off."
"And I always end up coming in," Meredith said, which was true. She always came into work, even though she always requested this day off. Surgery distracted her, and that was good.
Katherine sighed again, giving Meredith a wary smile as she nodded. "Okay. Go, don't make me regret letting you work today." She'd said the same thing for the past four years, and Meredith had never disappointed her once. A part of her wondered what the resident had against this last day in the month of January, but Katherine James wasn't one to poke around and ask questions.
Meredith let out a sigh of relief as she headed back in the direction she'd been walking down before Katherine had stopped her. For some reason every year she was always afraid Katherine would turn her away, but she never did. Although she'd never properly expressed her thanks to the Chief, Meredith was grateful.
In truth, it was too hard for her to deal with all the emotions surrounding this day. When it came down to it, she blamed herself for what had happened, and that just made everything harder. Most days, Meredith Grey held an impossible amount of regret for the choices she'd made. Four years later, and it still never hurt any less.