2013 YEAR IN REVIEW FAN FICTION
Sitting alone at the bar, drinking a virgin strawberry daquari, and watching the snow fall onto the Moscow airport, Edward Snowden reflected upon the past year.
"Where's my fuckin' parade?" grumbled Snowden. He was a goddamn American hero, revealing America's extensive spy operation and voluntarily handing that information over to both the Chinese and Russian governments, but instead of being granted amnesty and being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom and maybe getting a handy from Michelle Obama, he was being treated like some kind of traitor. Things weren't working out at all like he'd planned. This nigger thought he was gonna be Jason Bourne, but he was really just Tom Hanks in that one movie where they won't let him leave the airport.
"Another virgin Strawberry daquari, please?" Snowden ordered from the gruff Cossack bartender, who kept slipping vodka into it and calling Snowden a faggot under his breath.
All he had sacrificed for his nation in his Russian airport exile. He missed out on that Alan Thicke Jr. song, he hadn't seen "Man of Steel" yet, and he still had no idea how Dexter ended, and what did he get in return? Nothing. He cold expected to be swimming in poon. But nothing, he could barely even jack it with the Soviet era surplus KY they sold in the airport gift shop.
"I thought spies got mad pussy." he cried, hoping maybe his luck would change.
"Sup, nigga!" Snowden heard, from the other end of the Moscow airport bar. "Pour sum Krystal! down my azzcrakk! I'm lookin ta get mad CRUNK! during my layover, muzzafukka!"
Snowden couldn't believe his eyes. There she was, bent over bar stool, sticking her tongue out and relentlessly twerking her flat white girl ass, was America's sweetheart Miley Cyrus. Snowden had furiously bated to Hannah Montana episodes in his former life. This was his chance. Banging Miley Cyrus in a dirty Russian airport bathroom, was just what Snowden needed to gain the respect he deserved.
"You can do this Snow Dawg!" he said to hype himself up, approaching her, calculating the perfect line in his head.
"Excuse me miss, are you twerking hard, or hardly twerkin?"
"OMG!" exclaimed Miley "That is so fukkin LOL! Hell's yeah I'm twerkin' cuzz I'm a BADD BITCH! with a big black ghetto booty! I'm out of control and I dont give a FUKK! bout nothin' NIGGA!"
"Let's cut to the chase, Hannah." Snowden said, accidentally calling her Hannah. "You know who I am, and you know I'm out of control and I don;t give a fuck just like you. Let's say you and me hit up the stall in the ladies room and make America proud,"
"LOLOLOLOL!" said Miley "ROFMLOL! You funny az FUKK NIGGA! Who is you supposed to be!"
"You... you don't know who I am?" Edward Snowden asked, legitimately surprised.
"Fukk no! Is you supposed to be sumthin or sumthin?"
"I'm Edward Snowden." he explained "I'm famous. I'm in all the papers."
"LOL Bitch! I ain't read the newspapers! If it ain't porn on an iPhone I ain't read shit! What the fuck you do newayz! Who'd U dry hump on the internet!"
"No one." said Snowden "I exposed the NSA spying on civilians and foreign governments. I'm a hero and a freedom fighter."
"AW HELLZ TA THA NAW! That sounds like sum bitch azz terrorist shit ta me! Ain't yo never heard snitchez getz stitchezz! U aint never gettin diz azz biiiiiiiiiiooooootch!"
With that, Miley Cyrus twerked away, out of Edward Snowden's life forever.
"Why does no one love me?" a heartbroken Snowden sobbed. Blubbering all over the bar
"ABLOOBLOOBLOO!" he cried like a bitch with snot running down his face.
"OHHHHABLOOBLOOBLOO!"
"Forever alone" thought Snowden, but at the moment a hand patted him on the shoulder. He looked up to see a young, dark, handsome Chechnya man.
"Who are you?" Snowden asked
"My name is Dhzokhar Tsarnaev." he said "And you look like you need a friend."
MEANWHILE IN AFRICA...
"Please Mr. Paul Walker" Nelson Mandella pleaded "You have to slow down."
"I don't think so, brah!" Paul Walker responded, taking a hairpin turn at 150 miles per hour, "If I don't get you to the hospital, brah, you're gonna die. Not on my watch, brah. Not on Paul Walker's diamond encrusted timepiece, brah!"
"But Mr. Paul Walker." said the former President of South Africa "You are driving 2 fast and 2 furious. You'll get us both killed!"
"Don't think so, brah! I'm Paul Walker, brah! I'm the most respected actor of my generation, brah! I live my life a quarter mile at a time, brah! I drive fast as fuck all the time in the movies, brah! I'm a young man, brah! I'm invincible!"
"Aren't you, like forty?" asked a confused Nelson Mandella.
"Live fast, die young, brah! Like James Dean, brah! leave a good lookin corpse, brah! YOLO!"
"Yolo?" asked a confused Mandella, whose real name was Yolo Ramalassadu Mandiba Mandingo Shamaylan III
"It's something millennials like me say, brah! It mean's I'm never gonna die, brah! I'm never gonna die!"
Just then, Paul Walker's modified Tesla, which ran on jet engine fuel instead of electricty, lost control, flipped over twenty-seven times, and exploded, killing himself and Nelson Mandella, but not before also running over and killing Peter O'Toole, James Gandolfini, Margeret Thatcher, Hugo Chavez, Paul Bearer, Jonathan Winters, Jean Stapleton. Sylvia Browne, Roger Ebert, Lou Reed, Marcia Wallace, Tom Clancy, David Frost, Elmore Leonard, Ed Koch, Jett Jackson, the bitch who played Eric's sister on "That 70s Show", the dude who said "go home and get your fuckin' shine box" from Goodfellas, and Helen Thomas, but not the dude from Glee because he ODed.
IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM OF THE MOSCOW AIRPORT BAR BATHROOM
Edward Snowden and Dhzokhar Tsarnaev kissed passionately, with tongue and everything, furiously dry humping against the stall.
"I respect you so much." Dhzokhar said between deep kisses and heavy breathes "You've accomplished everything me and my brother tried to do. You've brought America to its knees, Snow Dawg, and you've brought me to my knees as well."
Dhzokhar Tsarnaev unbuttoned the fly of Edward Snowden's Jordache ladies jeans, fishing for his cock, which was hard to find, but surely in their somewhere.
"Aha!" said Dhzokhar upon discovery, holding the entire length of Edward Snowden's penis between thumb and forefinger. It was clear that he had already came, but Dhzokhar dropped to his knees and took Snowden's cock in his mouth anyway, gently sucking on it like a piece of hard candy you get from your grandma. Well, maybe not hard candy, more like taffy. You see where I'm going with this, right?
"OH JULIUS AND ETHEL ROSENBURG!" Snowden exclaimed, he was having trouble getting hard, so he closed his eyes and thought about My Little Pony, and the mental image of Pinkie Pie's pinkie pie did the trick.
"Take me, Snow Dawg!" Dhzokhar sighed, spitting Snow Dawg's dick out of his mouth "Bend me over and bugger me like the American's buggered our freedom."
Dhzokhar bent over the Russian toilet, spreading his Russian toilet. Dhzokhar bit his lip in anticipation. He hadn't been sodomized since his brother Tamerlan was brutally butchered by those American pigs.
Tamerlan... Dhzokhar closed his eyes and remembered his brother. Tamerlan, the only man he ever loved. Tamerlan coming into his room late at night as children, little Dhzokhar pretending to be asleep, but too excited. Tamerlan spreading Dzhokhar's asshole and stuffing it full of the Tsarnaev family's weekly rations of Soviet era surplus KY, and cramming his fat Chechnyan chode deep into Dzhokhar's torn and bleeding rectum. Muttering to himself "Allah Akbar Allah Akbar Allah Akbar!"
"OH, put it in me Snow Dawg!" Dzhokhar screamed, unable to wait any longer.
"Uh, it's been in you." Snowden replied.
"Oh, yeah. Of course it has. Fuck me, Snow dawg! Stretch my virgin bunger out!" He moaned, pretending he could feel Snowden's medically legitimate micropenis at all as it futile pushed limply into his blown out brown eye.
"I'm can't believe I'm finally losing my virginity!" Snowden thought, not even realizing that he was still just humping Dhzokhar's ass crack.
"I'm a god damn hero. Take that dick Fluttershy!"
"Oh, fuck me Tamerlan."
"Fuck America!"
"Yes, Death to America!"
"I don't think so, faggots!"
Kicking in the stall door, holding a Desert Eagle in each hand, was Duck Dynasty.
"Thought you could hide from America, didn't you? You butt fucking queers." Duck Dynasty sneered. "But you can't hide from America or the Lord's wrath."
Duck Dynasty hefted the weight of his twin Desert eagles to the temples of both men.
"If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them."
BOOM! The twin reports of Duck Dynasty's Desert Eagle's ricocheted off the Moscow airport bar's ladies room walls, delivering two simultaneous headshots, rendering Edward Snowden and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev nothing more than red stains on the stall.
Duck Dynasty holstered one of his Desert eagles, and dialed his iPhone 5S.
"Mr. President. Mr. Pope. Mr. Pope." he said "It's done. Those faggots won't butt fuck America again. Happy New Year to you too. No, no need to thank me. It's all in a day's work for Duck Dynasty."
THE END