Royally Mistaken

Milhouse and Bart were walking home from school when the car appeared. The windows were nearly blacked out they were so tinted, and as it slowed, the boys couldn't figure out who could be inside because of it. Bart decided to run ahead, chasing after a pine cone he'd kicked up the path. But Milhouse was curious, so he looked to the car as the window rolled down. A blonde woman with dark sunglasses looked down to him.

"It's him," a man whispered from inside. The woman nodded and looked around. Bart was out of view, and since no one else was watching, the woman pulled out a candy bar, "Do you want some of this?"

"No thank you. I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers," Milhouse replied. The man inside cleared his throat, "Definitely him. Boys?"

Before Milhouse could say a word, a group of masked men exploded from the back of the car. A moment later, he was between them in the back seat, his mouth gagged. He moaned for help, but so far, no one even knew he was gone.

Bart was eating dinner with the family when the phone rang for a third time. Marge wasn't answering it. Homer and Moe had been playing phone tag for days trying to cash in on the football games that were just starting. She wasn't about to let Moe ruin another family meal, so the phone rang until it stopped.

Then it immediately started again.

"Mom, maybe we should answer it. I mean, it couldn't hurt," Lisa offered. Marge groaned and let Lisa answer it. A moment later, she reapproached the table, "Bart, did you walk home with Milhouse today?"

"Of course I did. I walk home with him every day," Bart replied, his mouth stuffed with food. Marge hung her head and before turning to Lisa, "What's going on with Milhouse?"

"It seems he didn't come home, but I haven't seen him since he offered to carry me around the playground to avoid the mud puddles," Lisa said. Bart shrugged, "I thought he turned down his street and went home. Sorry."

Lisa went into the other room to finish the call. A moment later, she rejoined the table. None of them thought anything of this. Parents were constantly calling around trying to find their children, especially on school nights. Most of them were kids Bart knew; Lisa rarely got any kind of calls. But if she did get calls, it was a parent wondering if their child just happened to be at their house. The answer was always a firm no, and usually the kid turned up a few minutes after dinner.

But as the Simpsons prepared for bed, the phone rang again. Homer answered, hoping it was Moe, but it was Milhouse's parents, both of them begging for information.

Homer sighed heavily, "Look, we don't know where he went. Are you sure he isn't hiding under your porch or something?" Milhouse's father scoffed, but his wife remained solemn. That happened just a few weeks ago when Milhouse played hide-and-seek with some neighbors, who just so happened to forget to find him. Milhouse being Milhouse, he remained under the porch until well after dark, and they were lucky to find him.

But he wasn't there this time. They wanted Homer to check Bart's room to make sure he wasn't trying any funny business, and Homer was happy to oblige.

"Boy!" Homer called outside the door. Bart didn't answer, so Homer thrust open the door. Bart was sitting on his bed in the empty room playing a video game. He barely looked up as Homer began searching the room. "Milhouse, I know you're in here!"

"He's not in here, Dad. I told you, I thought I saw him head towards home. End of story, now get out," Bart said quickly, his eyes never looking up from his game. Homer groaned, "Look, Boy, I know you're always trying stuff. So just tell the truth so Daddy can make his calls to Moe without interruption."

"Excuse me?" Marge called from the doorway. Homer blushed, "Nothing, dear. I just...come on, Bart, tell the truth about your friend."

"Homer, maybe he is telling the truth," Marge offered. Bart nodded firmly without looked up. "See, he doesn't know. Check the tree house just in case, then tell them we don't know anything and to stop calling until morning. I'll tell them that; you look outside."

Homer did as he was told, but he found nothing in the tree house. Wherever Milhouse was, he didn't want to be found, and reluctantly, his parents hung up. But they didn't give up. As Marge slept and Homer talked to Moe in the kitchen over the phone, they drove the neighborhood looking for answers, but they found none. When he didn't show up the next morning, they called the police, and Milhouse was officially declared missing.

Milhouse opened his eyes to see the strange blonde woman pecking at her lap top's keys. When she saw he was awake, she passed him a tea cup filled with something. Milhouse took a sip and spit out the entire mixture, grimacing as he did. The blonde looked to him with concern.

"Eww, what was that?" Milhouse demanded. The blonde looked perplexed, "Columbian coffee brewed strong, just like you like it. Why are you displeased, Sir?"

"Sir? I'm just a kid! I want some chocolate milk and an omelet, cheese and eggs only," Milhouse demanded. The blonde obeyed, disappearing. 'Wow, I can't believe she's doing that.' As far as Milhouse knew, these were his kidnappers, and they weren't exactly nice either. After removing his gag, they made him take a vitamin, but he knew now it was a sleeping pill.

"Here it is, Sir. I hope you don't mind a four-cheese blend. That's all the chef could find," she replied. Milhouse grinned, taking a bite of the omelet. He shrugged, "It'll do. The chocolate milk?" he asked. She nodded, producing a brand Milhouse had never seen. She noticed and explained, "It's directly from Belgium made with the finest chocolate. I hope that pleases your delicate pallete."

It was too strong, but Milhouse could get used to this. He made a few more demands, namely some new toys, but the woman shook her head. She sat next to him and looked him over.

"Sir, you've got a long trip ahead of you. We're returning to the estate so you can continue your learning. Your time among the commoners is over," the blonde said. Milhouse scrunched his brow, "What do you mean by that? Do you even know who I am?"

The blonde grinned, "You're Prince Harvey Langford-Scot, son of royalty."

"I'm Milhouse," he corrected. "I've never left Springfield, unless you count a few field trips."

The blonde nearly choked, "You mean, you are—oh crap," she stammered, fleeing the room.

Milhouse didn't realize his mistake until after the blonde returned. The men were back, and after heavy scrutiny, they decided that he wasn't Prince Ha-Ha-Whoever. Milhouse blushed as they took his robe off and returned his normal clothes. A few minutes later, he was left at the edge of town in his school clothes, and the blonde and her men were gone.

"Well, Bart Simpson. Usually we only talk when you've done something wrong, so let's see what it is this time," Chief Wiggum smiled. "So, you killed your friend for his toys?" he guessed.

Bart scoffed, "Fat chance, doughnut boy. I told you, and I told his parents, and I told my parents that I don't know where Milhouse is! And I'm not that sick and twisted."

"That's debatable," Lisa whispered. Marge shot her a harsh glare and Lisa returned to looking out the window. Marge stepped up to the chief, "Are you sure he's not just off in the woods somewhere? Why would Bart do anything to him?"

"This is El Barto! He'd be able to do anything if he wanted to," the chief replied. Marge scowled. "Fine, fine, they wanted me to. Milhouse's parents seem to think you're behind this, but my guys are searching the house now-"

"Do you have a warrant?" Lisa asked. Chief Wiggum shrugged, "I guess. I'll work it out later-"

"I'm sure you will," Lisa nodded as the deputies returned. Sure enough, Milhouse wasn't there. Chief Wiggum began to sweat, "Well, now we know the truth, boys. Let's go tell them the news."

Suddenly, a call came over the radio. Milhouse had been spotted walking into town wearing his clothes from the day before. Within the hour, he was reunited with his parents, but he never told anyone where he was...at least for the day.

"Bart, can I talk to you?" Milhouse asked at recess. Bart shrugged, "I don't know, man. Are you going to have cops asking me if I killed you after school today?"

Milhouse sighed, "Look, I'm sorry, but you should've stayed with me the other day. You know that weird car?" he asked. Bart nodded, "Yeah." "Well," Milhouse said, leaning forward, "they kidnapped me thinking I was royalty! I woke up in this nice hotel room wearing a fancy robe. They fed me the best food I'd had in forever, even chocolate milk from Europe or something!"

"Fat chance, kid. You're just trying to make me even more sore at you," Bart scowled.

Milhouse shook his head, "No, Bart, it's true! They thought I was some prince! I want Lisa to look him up for me. I want to know if he was real or not."

"He probably wasn't, but you get to ask her, not me. I still owe her for that other thing," Bart grinned. A week before, he'd had Lisa help him with a prank. She didn't realize until later, of course, but her price was high. Asking for another favor now would be a prison sentence.

"I can't go home with you. Mom's picking me up, and I know Lisa won't get in the car with me," Milhouse whispered. Bart looked up to the sky. Clouds were building and the air smelled of rain. Bart grinned, "Oh, she will, she will."

Sure enough, rain poured, and when Bart caught up with Lisa and offered her the ride, she quickly accepted. She sat up front while Milhouse and Bart sat in the back. Lisa ignored them both until they reached her house. Milhouse got out to follow, but instead of going home, his mom remained parked outside as the rain continued.

When Lisa noticed the boys following her to her room, she turned and scowled. Milhouse blushed, "It's just a quick favor. I need to know if this price was real, just a quick search I'm sure."

"A prince? Why a prince?" Lisa asked, letting them into her room. Milhouse told her the story and Lisa nodded, "Well, I think they were joking with you. Kidnappers aren't exactly kind."

"Then why would they let me go when they realized I wasn't their prince? Explain that," Milhouse argued. Lisa was about to counter him when the results appeared: Prince Harvey Langford-Scot was real. Milhouse's mouth fell open, "I can't believe it. I could've been royalty if I would've just kept my mouth shut."

"Way to go, Milhouse," Bart glared. "Only you would turn up a chance at the high life."

"Wow," Milhouse gasped. "Lisa, you could've been a queen!"

"Fat chance, Milhouse. Even if you were royalty, I still wouldn't marry you," Lisa replied. Milhouse was stuck in his stunned state. He left the house in a daze, barely pulling up his hood as he returned to his mom's car.

"Can you believe that kid?" Bart asked. Lisa shook her head, "No, but...I lied. I'd love to be royalty, just not because of him. Look at this guy! He's been living with a foster family since he was three so he could learn to be common as well as refined. And look at those jewels! Oh, life would be so easy. If only he were real."

"Yeah, well, you're both crazy," Bart whispered, leaving the room.

Across town, the real prince walked up the street kicking a pine cone. The strange vehicle from before pulled up, and the prince got inside without a fight. He returned to his home country and his royal life, and no one in Springfield ever suspected a thing.

~End

Theme: Kidnapped

A/N: The theme is from an Infinite Theme List Challenge I'm doing. PM me for more info.

This is my first fanfic for The Simpsons. It feels a little bleh to me so hopefully I can do some better ones in the future.