Title: Perfectly Okay
Author: MistressKiko
Rating: T
Pairing: John x Karkat
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters!
THIS STORY CONTAINS MALExMALE RELATIONSHIPS. You have been warned.
"This part always fucking gets me," Karkat Vantas admits, spilling the words from his mouth like a dam just broke. His shoulders are visibly tense even in the dim blue light casting dark shadows across the walls, and behind him, John Egbert can only smile. He smiles because he knows this is the part where Karkat cries, cries those bright red tears that flow down his cheeks and into the curled fists holding his chin up, and that's perfectly okay.
At least, it's usually perfectly okay.
Tonight is a little different, though. Tonight is different, because John Egbert feels his own tears burning the corners of his eyelids. He's watched this movie with Karkat a thousand times over, because that's what best buds do in sacrifice for their palhancho when they know it's his favorite movie even if they don't understand why. He's seen this particular scene so many times he can probably reiterate it word-for-word, acting out how the female troll pleads the male troll not to leave-
"We're moirails, how can you break that bond?"
how the male troll responds-
"It's uncomfortable, you want something more than pale."
and then how he walks away. There is no happy ending for these two; John knows how it ends. He knows how it ends and right at this moment, it scares the shit out of him.
Their new world is called Alterneth. Heh, John had made jokes about mashing the two planets' names so many times, but as time passed, it grew on him. Alterneth. It was home. Both races adjusted to the changes, but the trolls had it the worst. This new world resembled the human world much more than it had Alternia. There was a government, there were beds with blankets and sheets, there were parents, and most importantly, there was college.
College wouldn't normally be as important as government or parents, but as John sat with his back against the headboard, staring at the back of Karkat's head and desperately trying to stop it from turning into a black blur, it certainly was important to him.
Karkat had stuck beside him after... well, no one liked to talk about what had happened at end the game. All that mattered was that they had beaten it, and Karkat was alive. Breathing. Whether it was in gulps of air he took in while laughing so hard a red flush on his cheeks spread like a wildfire or in small shaky pants after a nasty nightmare or the normal rise and fall of his chest, he was breathing.
And John had witnessed it all.
His first amusement park (he hated roller coasters), his first piece of gum (he didn't see the point), his first time seeing snow (he thought it was 'way too fucking cold'), his first time driving a car (he was distraught after running over a squirrel), his first detention (he ranted the entire day about the stupid school system), his first A on an exam (he was smiling smugly all day), his first taste of freedom. Everything that he'd been so angry at John about because John was able to do all of these things and he wasn't.
Back when he hated John.
But it wasn't the hate John was used to. This hate was a romance.
A romance!
Ha!
That was clearly out of the question. So out of the question it shouldn't even be a question. Especially when that was in the past, forgotten, erased because John was pretty sure that level of hatred toward him could no longer be achieved from his best friend.
Not anymore.
Not after all they'd been through, from saving the world to movie nights, it didn't matter; all of it meant something. It proved their friendship.
Friendship.
When did this friendship start hurting? It was a small ache that bloomed into something that made his heart feel heavy from... worry? Guilt?
Guilt, most definitely. This was not the way he was supposed to feel. So Karkat was going to college. So Karkat was going to college in another state. It wasn't the end of the world.
It shouldn't feel like the end of the world.
But it does.
It does, and it hurts, and John knows he's being way too dramatic about this but damn. He doesn't want Karkat to leave.
Ever.
And that's when he realizes that he may be, possibly, looking at his friend as a little more than a friend. Looking at his male friend as a little more than a friend.
It should bother him. It should bother him way more than it does.
But it's Karkat. And in some fucked up way, that makes everything okay, because it's him – the guy who is currently resting at his feet wiping tears away as discreetly as possible even though John has seen him cry a million times.
And John only wants to hit himself when he brings a hand up to quickly wipe his own away.
He wants the movie to continue playing forever. Forever, so they are trapped in this moment in time. Because it's already 1AM and Karkat is leaving after this movie is over and tomorrow he'll be gone. John has talked with Karkat over the computer a lot. That was their only source of communication during the game, after all.
But after being physically near him for so many years, the thought of returning to that method of communication is not a happy one.
And even more so, even more so than not wanting him to go, John is shaking at the thought of telling Karkat how he feels. How he's been feeling for a while now. Karkat may have had some inclination of romance toward him in the past, but none of that meant anything now.
And damn everything to Hell if he screwed up what they did have, because it's the most amazing thing anyone could ever ever hold.
It is so, so scary, this feeling.
However, possibly, something even scarier is Karkat leaving and.. well.. meeting someone. Someone other than him.
Someone other than him who he'd share his deepest secrets with, who would sit and watch movies all night, who he would want to.. be with for the rest of his life.
Someone else.
"Haaaa~!" Karkat suddenly stretches out his limbs mightily, his leg hitting John's knee and jerking the blue-eyed boy out of his thoughts. The credits are already rolling up the screen and John finds himself just a little stunned, "Best movie ever. You know, I'm su- are you crying?"
John blinks, feeling the wetness of his own eyelashes, and quickly brings his hands back up to his eyes to wipe them away. A small laugh escapes his lips.
"Yeah, haha, I guess that part finally got to me," John says, hoping he sounds normal. He keeps wiping, feeling his glasses move slightly as his fingers bump them.
"... well about fucking time you realize how great that movie is," Karkat replies, though he sounds a tad unsure. When John finally pulls his fingers away from his eyes, Karkat is slipping off the bed to take the movie out of the DVD player and set it back in its proper case.
"Are you... gonna head out?" John asks, fingers fiddling with the edge of the sheet.
"Looking forward to getting rid of me, Egbert?" Karkat throws back, snapping the DVD case shut and shoving it in his book bag before crawling back onto the bed. John's chest thunders as Karkat lays down next to him, nubby orange horns falling on the pillow.
"That's exactly it," John replies, laying down and staring at the ceiling, elbow brushing Karkat's own. The fan whirs above them, sending a light breeze of cool air whisking over their bodies.
"Remember that the stove can burn you and to lock the door."
"Screw you, man," John laughs. Karkat snorts and the laughter fades, leaving them surrounded in a bubble of silent thoughts. John stares at the fan going 'round and 'round, and nibbles at his bottom lip before opening his mouth again, "I'm gonna miss you."
It is such a lame sentence compared to the panic swelling in John's chest, but it's all he manages.
".. I'll miss you too," Karkat admits softly, and John feels him shift, turning on his side to face him, "I'll admit I'm nervous."
John mimics Karkat's movements, aware of how close it brings them. The television is still on, a solid blue screen casting enough light in the room for Karkat's yellow eyes to glimmer. If John looks close enough, he can see the beginnings of a beautiful crimson swimming around Karkat's irises.
Will he miss it?
The day those eyes become bright red?
"You'll be fine," John says, shoving an arm over to pull Karkat into a headlock and ruffle his hair. The troll makes some kind of offended squeak, squirming, though they're half-hearted attempts to get away. John just holds on tightly, burying his face in Karkat's hair and smiling at the sweet strawberry smell. God, Karkat is the most precious thing in the world. Having the shorter male so close and feeling emotional, John finds, is not the best of things. Before he even thinks about what he's doing, he finds himself leaning down to place a short kiss on the bangs of Karkat's forehead.
For a moment, John thinks maybe he imagined he even did it. Or maybe that the troll hadn't felt it.
"... what was that?" Karkat whispers, breaking the silence. John can feel his breath on his neck, and swallows.
"W- what was what?" John stutters, knowing there is no backing out of the situation but attempting to buy time none-the-less. Karkat's head lifts, and John's nervousness grows when he can't quite read the expression on the gray face.
"You just kissed me, Egbert," Karkat accuses, eyebrows furrowing.
"Uh.. a brokiss?" John defends, shrugging his shoulders and darting his eyes across the room. The troll straightens.
"That's not even a thing," Karkat replies sharply.
"Why not? There are brohugs!" John laughs awkwardly.
"Brokiss. Who does that?" Karkat exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air. His gray cheeks are flushing pink, and John feels his own cheeks heating up exponentially.
"U-um!" John begins oh-so-eloquently, and waits until Karkat looks like he's about to yell at him again before continuing, "Okay, okay, what if I said it wasn't a brokiss?"
"No shit!" Karkat says in the most sarcastic way possible, even if his breath is a little shaky.
"Ugh, just... well... what if I said I didn't want you to go?"
Karkat's expression is doing a million things at once, and if John wasn't so damn embarrassed right now, he would have laughed at it. The raven bites the inside of his cheek and resolves not to look away from his best friend as the words sink in.
"... I'd still have to go. Prepayment for dorms is a bitch," Karkat answers honestly, with a deep frown. John is floored with the practical answer.
"... ahaha. Yeah, I guess," John laughs breathlessly, shifting his gaze. He can feel Karkat's eyes burrowing into him.
"... do you think I want to leave you, Christ on a cracker, John," Karkat sighs and reaches a hand up to run it through his hair.
"No. No, I don't think that," John answers immediately, but the sureness falters as he continues, "But, I mean, you'll meet a lot of other people, and wh-"
"You think I'm going to replace you? Is this a thing that's happening right now?" Karkat snaps, and John leans back, sinking in on himself, "Holy fuck, am I the shittiest friend on earth or something? We've been through things no one else can even fathom, John, and why in taintchafing FUCK are you bringing all these insecurities out on the table now?"
"Because I didn't understand before!"
"Not that you not understanding something is anything new, but care to clarify?"
In a fluster of confusion, irritation, and embarrassment, John shoots forward and brings his lips against Karkat's for a single breathtaking moment before pulling back with wide eyes.
"This!"
Karkat's face looks like a cherry and his mouth hangs open. John is sure he is in a similar state, and watches intently as Karkat's jaw snaps shut and the troll's adam's apple bobs as he swallows.
"... was that another brokiss?" Karkat asks, and will never admit to the way the sentence started out much like a squeak. John shakes his head.
"No. It's not."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Right."
"Eheh.."
"... John Egbert, you are the most frustrating individual to exist on this planet," Karkat says, taking a deep breath.
"Yeah.." John chuckles awkwardly, still watching with startled eyes. Karkat stares back, pupils wide and searching, as if he can't believe this moment is occurring. John doesn't blame him.
"... holy shit," Karkat finally breathes, visibly relaxing before shooting his hands forward to grasp John's arms. The human jumps at the sudden contact. "Okay."
John's head spins.
"O... kay?"
Karkat tenses again.
"Okay as in okay, idiot! You better kiss me again before I change my mind about this, fuck, I can't believe this is happening right now. You wait until I'm hours away from leaving, like a hundred miles away. When is even my first break?"
John slowly closes his mouth and places his hands over Karkat's.
"I like you. A lot. And like... the red kind," John confesses seriously. Karkat turns red again, and just knowing Karkat is embarrassed about this takes some of the pressure off John's own shoulders.
"I got that!" The troll grumbles, dropping his gaze. A smile makes its way on John's lips, his chest fluttering pleasantly.
"Thank goodness," John sighs, slumping. "Gosh, I was so nervous."
Karkat watches him with an awed curiosity.
"... I'm almost afraid you're going to yell 'psych' out of nowhere," Karkat mumbles, and John feels his heart drop.
"I'm not!" John assures avidly, leaning forward. Karkat doesn't retreat, instead John sees those soon-to-be red eyes dart down to his lips and flash back up. John hesitates for a second before leaning even further in, tilting his head in the slightest. Karkat's lips part, his eyes once again falling to the lips closing in on him, and John takes that as assurance to eliminate the remaining distance between their lips.
This time John gets to savor the feeling of the black lips against his own, soft and warm. He can taste a hint of the salty popcorn they'd devoured before the movie was even five minutes in, and he smiles, breaking the kiss. Karkat stays hovering close, opening his eyes in narrow strips.
"I hate you," Karkat says, and John practically gives himself whiplash as he pulls back.
"I said red!" John yells, but doesn't get much of a chance to ponder the absurd statement before Karkat is tackling him down on the bed and lying flat against his chest.
"I hate you for telling me this now, moron. Now I don't want to leave," Karkat mumbles into his t-shirt. John feels his chest ache. In the happiness of Karkat accepting his feelings, the idea of him leaving had momentarily been forgotten. He wraps his arms around the smaller boy and squeezes tightly.
"Hey... it's like two hours away. Better than a whole dimension!" John says, staring up at the ceiling. It takes a moment, but a chuckle comes from the troll.
"I guess so," Karkat replies, closing his eyes and listening to the steady beat of John's heart. They spend the night curled in each other's arms and stealing long over-due kisses until the sun comes up, until Karkat has to leave, and John only lasts a week before he's driving up to see him.
But that's perfectly okay.
Alterneth. Yeah, I am soooo original. xD