A/n: Because I love a sad/hurt Dean... And because I don't want my friend to learn telekinesis and blow up my head with his mind because I won't stop talking about Supernatural because I have an addiction... The first step is admitting I have a problem. v.v
John and Dean talk but not really.
They make light conversation and talk about music, women, and monsters after a hunt but their conversations never get heavy, never touch on problems. Except sometimes… when Dean is too drunk or tired to keep track of what is coming out of his mouth and John thinks that Sam is asleep. Then they talk sometimes.
Dean will be lying on his side, eyes drooping tiredly as he watches his father who is sitting on the other bed, staring at his son. Sam will be curled up against Dean's back, his breath washing over the spot right between his shoulder blades and making a damp, warm spot there.
John will ask, "Did you have enough money while I was gone last time?"
Dean will answer with a groggy, "No… We ran out after the first week. Sammy needed…"
And then Dean will ramble on about how much Sam needed something or the other or John will stop him because he doesn't want to hear it. Sammy always 'needs' something. Sometimes it is actually something he really does need and then sometimes it is just something that he wants and John knows that Dean will do anything to make Sam happy so usually if Sam wants something he gets it… or he gets something close. John knows that if Dean could just say no then that money would last a lot longer than it does.
Behind Dean, Sam will shift a little bit and press his face more fully against his brother's back, lightly rubbing his cheek against the older boy's skin. He is never asleep during these conversations. He's always awake, listening and feeling guilty because he is thinking the same thing John is.
Then John will ask, "What did you do for money, then?"
And Dean will laugh quietly and bury his face in his pillow either looking adorably young and sleepy or just stupidly drunk.
Dean will answer, "I went to the bar and sucked some guy's dick in the bathroom…" or behind the bar or in another motel room or wherever else the man would ask him to drop to his knees and suck.
Or sometimes…
Dean will answer, "I let a guy fuck me behind the bar," or in the bathroom or in another motel room or wherever else the man would ask him to lay back and spread his legs like a whore.
John will flinch at these drunken, sleepy answers because he knows it's his fault his son will so easily do this. He knows that it is his own fault that Dean has no sense of self worth besides what he can do for Sam for their little family. The man is sickened by the slight burst of pride that he gets, though. He's proud that that Dean is so self sacrificing that he will do anything for the people he loves.
Then the disgust he feels toward himself for being proud of his son being a whore will wash away that little bit of pride and he will feel angry.
Angry at himself for doing this to his son, angry at the demon that killed his wife. And then, in a selfish effort to protect himself from wallowing in self loathing and to justify that he is doing this to avenge his wife and he shouldn't be angry at himself, he gets mad at Dean.
Furious that Dean can't just say no to Sam, pissed that Dean will whore himself out like that, angry that his son's stupidity makes him angry at himself.
But deep down inside he knows this isn't Dean's fault. He knows he could stop this all if he wanted to. He could settle down, forget the demon, let his boys live a normal life with a stable father figure. He knows he can stop it but he won't.
He will turn off the lamp between their beds, tell Dean good-night, and then go to sleep.
Then, as Dean finally gets to drift off to sleep the only one awake will be Sam.
Sam, who is so much like his father, will be quietly crying against his brother's back as the guilt he feels churns inside him, choking him and tying his stomach in knots.
He'll get angry at himself for begging to go to the movies with friends that week, or for asking for something to eat other than fast food or TV Dinners. He'll get angry at his brother for thinking so little of himself that he can put a price on what his body is worth. And he'll be angry at his father for putting them in the situations that make all this possible.
He'll be angry at John for dragging them around the country, hunting monsters, and hurting his children like this. He'll be even more angry because he knows, just like John does, that if he wanted to he could stop this but he knows that his father won't. He knows that John's personal vendetta against the demon that killed Mary will cloud his judgment.
John will keep dragging them around and enforcing Dean's thoughts that his family, his father and his brother, are the most important things in his life and he should do anything for them. So Dean will keep whoring himself out and Sam will keep forgetting these conversations in fits of anger or frustration because he wants to have the normal life that it seems he will never get to have.
Sam knows that is how things will happen and he can only hope that John's obsession won't be the end of them and, unlike John, he will wallow in the self loathing the guilt, and the anger, until the emotions have run their course.
Then he will press himself against his brother's back. He will smile some because he's getting bigger and soon Dean will be the little spoon both figuratively and literally one of these nights. Sam will wrap an arm around his brother's waist and gently pull him closer. Then he will nuzzle the back of Dean's shoulder and whisper against his lightly freckled skin,
"I promise, one day you won't have to take care of me."
He will bury his face against his brother's neck and the last of his tears for the night will roll down his nose and melt against Dean's skin, then he'll add,
"One day I'll take care of you."
A/n: Fin.