Horizon: What was she thinking?
The mention of Kaidan's name sent Shepard into a state of elation. Finally she knew where he was. Finally, she knew for certain that he was alive; that he'd survived the destruction of the Normandy. It wasn't that she thought Councilor Anderson would lie to her about her previous crew members – but it had been two years since she'd worked with the Alliance (even though it felt more like days to her) and she was learning not to trust anyone because they didn't trust her. She figured that was another added benefit of working with her new employer, Cerberus.
Shepard forced herself back into the conversation in front of her. The Illusive Man was continuing his speech about, well, she wasn't sure what. Focus, Shepard. Focus. You'll have time to find Kaidan later. The Illusive Man had just mentioned another Collector attack. But he knows where Kaidan is. That's when the reality hit - he knew where Kaidan was because the Collectors were attacking his location.
Dread filled her mind and body. Had she not still been in the presence of the Illusive Man she may have lost it right then and there but she knew how to put on a good show. She knew how to make it look like this news was equal to anything else they'd shoved at her over the past few days. Has it really only been days? But just under the surface every muscle, every nerve, every blood vessel that they'd brought back to life was screaming - They had to get there NOW.
For each minute that passed Shepard's imagination came up with hundreds of uncanny and horrible things the collectors could possibly do with their prisoners. In a daze she had ordered Garrus and Miranda to suit up. They'd had several missions where failing wasn't an option but deep down Shepard knew she was human and that humanity, or all organic life in the universe, could be utterly destroyed. But this time, failing wasn't an option. Period. She wouldn't let the man who stood by her side to bring down Sovereign and save all life as she knew it, be taken and … what would they do with him? She couldn't wrap her head around that last idea. If only she had more information. If only she knew what she was getting her team and herself into.
She wasn't thinking clearly and she knew it but the only thought that was running through her head was, "Kaidan." No mission had ever felt so personal and as soon as the shuttle landed she was sprinting for any sign of hope – any human life. That's when she saw them. Bug like creatures - Collectors.
If they were still here, then there was a chance, the smallest possibility that he was still ok. That she might be able to see him again after all. But she wouldn't allow herself much hope because that little hope might hold her back and she needed to go in guns blazing.
As they pushed forward through the colony Garrus could see that there was something distracting Shepard. He wished that she would just put it out there but there wasn't time. He hoped whatever it was wouldn't wind up putting his life in jeopardy. Things were getting intense. He could see Miranda pinned down on 3 sides. If he didn't get there soon they'd be down a team member and their chances of success would decrease significantly. As he started picking off the Collectors moving in, his scope strayed across one of the paralyzed colonists. He didn't have time to focus in though. Even a second hesitation could mean someone's life. But … in the back of his head, in between each shot fired, he wondered if it was possible. Finding Shepard was a big enough coincidence. Seeing another Normandy crew member out in the middle of nowhere was impossible, and with that they pushed farther into the colony.
A mere minutes, but what seemed like a lifetime, later the defense towers were up and running and taking a toll on the Collector ship defenses. With each powerful shot fired, Shepard's fears subsided. Just as she managed to hope, the worst happened. The nearly defeated ship took off into the sky.
Hopelessness took hold. All hope was lost. He was lost to her. The one mission that she refused to lose and … It was over. All hope was lost. All. Hope. Is. lost.
In this moment of complete despair a single colonist emerged and decided to vent his frustrations on his saviors. "No. Don't let them get away." This was the last thing she needed right now but she recognized this man from their sweep through the colony a few short minutes ago. His name was Delan. He'd hidden in a sealed building and had managed to escape the paralyzing seeker swarm. He was alive but that wasn't much consolation since many of his friends were dragged away to an unknown fate. At least she assumed that's what he was thinking, because it was what she was thinking.
She gave in a little to her true feelings, "There is nothing we can do. They're gone." Then, with all the courage she could muster she put on her business face and she forced out the last thing she thought was true, "I did what I could." Delan, started shouting at them listing off the many friends he had that were taken on that ship, not that Shepard was paying any attention to what he was saying. Her only thought was, "Kaidan."
Garrus tried to console her. He didn't know why the look in her eyes held so much pain. It was another mission that had been successful. They had done more for this colony than anyone else had been able to do against the Collectors in the last year. They hadn't managed to save the entire colony but they had thwarted the Collector attack and many lives would be safe because of them. Garrus voiced his opinion out loud, "More than most, Shepard."
Delan recognized her name; she saw it in his body language. She wished Garrus hadn't said it. She didn't want to be known now. Not in her moment of complete failure.
"Shepard? Wait. I know that name. Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."
It was then and there that she knew her body had shut down, rejected the restoration that Cerberus had tried to give her, she knew her life was over because right then, she started hearing Kaidan's voice. She got caught up in the day dream hoping that he was speaking to her from heaven because he'd had a quick death. No pain. It was either that, or she was alive and going crazy. Just like Kaidan to try and tell everyone around how amazing I was – He was even talking directly to the Delan. I wonder if he knows that Delan can't hear him. "Kaidan, you're dead", she thought to herself. And then, she realized, Delan was talking back. But how? How could he be talking to the voice she only heard in her head? Her mind was reeling but she forced herself to come back to reality and saw him standing only a few feet away from her. Could this be real? Is it really him?
How do you react to that? He's gone. He's gone on that ship. But he's not. He's standing right in front of you and he's coming closer.
Before she had time to prepare she was swept away by his beautiful, familiar smell. With it came the waves of memories, that for her, happened only months ago. She was wrapped in his arms and she never wanted to let go. What do you say to someone you thought was gone forever?
"It's been too long Kaidan. How've you been?" If it had been a day, it still would have been too long.
"That's all you have to say to me? You show up here after two years and just act like nothing happened? I thought we had something Shepard. Something real. I … I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" Oh, I guess that's what you say to someone you thought was gone forever.
Still in a daze, Shepard didn't know what she was saying but she knew words were coming out. She heard him talking, but all her mind was processing was that the collector ship was gone and he was here, alive. Then the anger behind his words jolted her back into her senses.
"I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."
A traitor? Could he be talking about her? He had to be. His body language was almost too painful to bear. With each word he was putting more and more space between them. Each word was taking him away, again.
"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reasons …."
And before she knew it he was walking away, leaving her behind. The fogginess that had wrapped so tightly around her brain was lifting but she was still so vulnerable. What can I say to make him stay?– so she grasped for the first thing that came to mind.
"I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan. It'll be just like old times." What I mean is, we can pick up where we left off. I want you to know everything there is about me and I want you to be the shoulder that I cry on. You make me feel like I can cry, like I am a person underneath this hard, immortal exterior. Like maybe I am still … human.
But it was too late; his mind was made up. She saw it in his eyes and he had no idea what she was really thinking, what she should have said. Her heart broke as he uttered what could be the last words she ever heard him say, "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye Shepard. And be careful."
With what little dignity she had left, Shepard radioed joker to come pick them up. Unable to keep the disgust out of her voice as she stated, "I've had enough of this colony."
How could everything go so wrong so quickly? The emotions of the last few minutes were so intense Shepard didn't know if she'd be able to take another step without collapsing. Only one thought kept her going …. At least he's safe. With that, Shepard boarded the Normandy quickly debriefed Joker and headed straight to her quarters. The Illusive Man could wait. If she talked to him right now, she was afraid she'd say something that she would greatly regret in the morning – then again, bring it on. He had some explaining to do.