I'm afraid the reader will probably be able to see the ending of this coming from a mile away, but it was the last rough draft on my computer from the post ME2 stuff that I quickly did after my canon play through, so I decided to work on it a little and post.
Kaidan agonizes over a lie he told Shepard in his email. One-shot. Rated T.
I do not own Bioware:
The Lie
"Why did you lie?" the woman asked.
"I don't know...I just couldn't tell her the truth...I was afraid of what she would think of me." Sighing deeply, Kaidan leaned forward in his chair and put his head in his hands.
He was still reeling from his encounter with Shepard on Horizon. The vision of her was burned deeply into his memory.
"How do you think she would have responded, if she knew the truth?" The tall blond woman leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, her eyes searching Kaidan curiously for his reaction.
"I don't know...I...just...do we have to talk about this now? Kaidan looked at his companion. Her calm demeanor stood in stark contrast to his own confusion.
"Not if you don't want to...but the topic is not going to go away," she answered.
"I know that...I just don't feel like dealing with this now...I'm still," he started.
"In shock," she interrupted, " I know...it is a very difficult situation to find yourself in."
She was always understanding...as far as Kaidan was concerned, she was the best. He was glad that his friends had set him up with her.
He could see the concern and caring in her eyes and counted himself lucky to have her in his life.
"Do you mind if I take some time...to think about this?" Kaidan asked, "maybe we could talk tomorrow.
Her smile caused a brilliance to sparkle in her emerald colored eyes, "Of course...we'll talk tomorrow."
Kaidan's emotions had run amok on Horizon. He had gone from relief to euphoria to anger in less than 5 minutes.
Just when he thought he had been getting a handle on everything he had lost after the Normandy went down, Commander Shepard had walked back into his life, and two years of recovery had gone down the drain.
He still loved her...still yearned for her. If only they could have met alone maybe the meeting would have gone differently. Instead he had just walked away, only to find himself minutes later literally shaking.
"What the hell was I thinking," he thought.
The memory of the way she had felt in his arms as he had greeted her flooded his senses. He could still feel her body pressed up against him...hear her heartbeat race in tune with his own...smell her scent as it awakened something in him that had been silent for two years. If Cerberus had not loomed over them he would have never left her embrace.
The moment replayed in his head as he made his way to his apartment.
Opening the door to his modest abode, he noted the dust that had gathered. He rarely used the place. In an effort to distance himself from his own pain he had thrown himself into his job, volunteering for every dangerous assignment that came his way. Despite his occupation with work, Shepard had haunted his every step.
Some people might have thought he was trying to get himself killed. Maybe in a way he was...waiting for that one final mission when he would join the woman he loved in death...a death that he felt was now long overdue. Perhaps it was because of his precision as a soldier or perhaps it was simply fate, but whatever the reason the death that he longed for remained just out of reach. His success however earned him the attention of the Alliance brass, and he had quickly been promoted.
He was a survivor of the Normandy...a shining example of the quality soldier that had been influenced by Commander Shepard's command...a hero, a patriot, and a poster boy for the Alliance. To the outside world he should have been on cloud nine, but Kaidan felt like he was living in the depths of hell. His isolation had only fueled his despair until he had met Andrea. She had patiently listened to all he had to say without once condemning him for his feelings and mistakes.
But now it was different...Shepard was alive and he needed time alone to think...to react...to just deal with it. He didn't feel like talking.
Throwing his entry card on the nightstand, he lay back on the bed and closed his eyes.
Her face danced before him as well as her smile...that smile that came so rarely. He remembered the times when she had approached him on the Normandy to talk. Her appearance had always sparked a nervousness in him that he had been unwilling to admit. There were times when he wanted to throw the fraternization rules out the window and pull her into his arms right there in front of everyone. Simply put, she had broken past his defenses without a single shot being fired.
He had felt his walls crumble the minute she had awoken in the med-bay after Eden Prime and despite himself, he had revealed things he had never told anyone. Rahna...Vrynnus...Jump Zero...all of it came tumbling from his mouth as though he had the most incessant need to confess to her everything. Since he had joined the Alliance, Shepard was the only one to whom he had acknowledged his past.
"And yet now...I've lied to her," he mumbled.
That single thought had begun to haunt him over the last few days, as much as Shepard had haunted him for the last two years. Why had he done it? Deep down he knew, never the less it did not change the fact that he could not take it back...it was too late.
He felt tormented. What if she finds someone else?
The idea never would have occurred to him if it hadn't been planted in his mind by one of his old friends from basic training...one Anthony Alvarez.. Kaidan didn't need to tell him about his and Shepard's relationship...Tony had an uncanny way of picking up on things and a totally obnoxious way of tormenting you about them. It only took two days after Horizon when he had started in on Kaidan.
"You screwed up man...you should have went with her...to keep an eye on what's yours," Tony taunted.
"It's not like that...she's either with me or not...I don't own her...besides I'm still dealing with the Cerberus part...there has to be another way...some way other than Cerberus," Kaidan countered.
"You got Cerberus on the brain...she's your woman isn't she?" he asked.
Kaidan clenched his teeth, "God, Tony...do you have to say it like that?"
"What...you gotta protect your territory?" he answered.
Kaidan sighed and shook his head.
"Like I said, You don't understand it's not like that...Shepard was special...she either loves me or she doesn't. If she moves on...I guess it means she doesn't." Kaidan hesitated at the last few words. Saying them out loud hurt more than he thought it would.
It was then that Tony made his mistake.
"It's you that doesn't understand...that is freaking Commander Shepard, hero of the citadel, savior of the galaxy and she's with Cerberus...no regs...no rules against fraternization. I bet every male and female on board, human or alien is lining up to bang her!"
Tony's words tumbled out unbidden, the last of them choking in his mouth as he found Alenko's arm slammed against his throat. The sentinel had pinned his repugnant friend against the wall.
Never had Alenko felt such hatred...not even against Vyrnnus. His eyes glared down on Tony with a piercing rage.
Simply he said, "She's NOT the type."
"Sure....What...what ever you say...please...Kaidan..I can't breath...let me go," Tony choked.
Kaidan slowly released his former friend, the rage never leaving his eyes.
"Get out...don't come back," Kaidan said flatly as he refused to look at him.
Rushing through the door Tony called back, "You'll see...she's probably taking numbers."
Kaidan could hear him laughing insanely as he retreated down the hallway. It had taken everything in Kaidan not to chase him down and beat him into a bloody pulp. He wondered why the two of them had ever been friends in the first place.
That had been days ago and he felt sure that he would not be seeing Tony again. Regardless, the incident had left a nagging doubt in his mind as to what might really be taking place aboard Shepard's new ship. Combined with his own lie, it could be a recipe to end his relationship with Shepard forever.
The doubts ate away at him...his time alone was doing nothing to calm his fears.
Perhaps Andrea had been right after all...he had put Shepard on a pedestal...even worshipped her. Working with Cerberus had only shattered his perfect image of who he imagined her to be.
"No...that's not true," he whispered to himself.
He alone had seen the cracks in Shepard's armor...from her frustration with council to her desperate need for someone to see her for the woman she was and not the soldier. He had seen her doubts when they had stolen the Normandy. He had even reassured her that he wouldn't be with her if he didn't think they were doing the right thing.
But he wasn't with her now and it was torturing him.
The woman he knew would never work for Cerberus unless there was no other way, and deep down he knew that.
"Then why did you walk away?" he asked himself silently.
Kaidan opened his eyes and took in his surroundings. His cramped apartment was sparse, a reflection of the emptiness that had settled in his heart for the last two years. The only personal item in the room was a picture of Shepard that sat on the nightstand next to his bed. He reached out and let his fingers run gently over the frame. During the few times he had stayed here between assignments he had often found himself lost for hours as he stared at her face.
"No I didn't put her on a pedestal." Kaidan voiced the words out loud to strengthen his resolve. He had loved her...still loved her. Every one of her weaknesses had only endeared her to him more. He smiled as his fingers reached out to stroke the face that filled the picture frame.
"Do you uh get this personal with all your crew...ma'am?" he had asked.
"No...no I don't" she had answered.
He smiled at the memory...another crack in her armor...the first he had seen. She had approached him under the pretense of getting to know her crew, but the questions had quickly turned personal. He remembered being surprised that someone of Shepard's caliber would not be more direct, never the less she had been bold even in her doubts...something that only made him admire her more.
Being without her for two years had been hard. If he had to be without her now, knowing she was alive, he didn't think he could take it. He felt somewhat like a fool. Perhaps Tony had been right...he should have gone to her...but it was too late now. He had spoken his peace and he had sent the email. He wasn't even sure he could face her again, if she sought him out.
He could hear her in the back of his mind.
"What about this doctor you've been seeing?"
"I lied." The confession lay lifeless in his own imaginations.
"What do you mean you lied?" Her voice taunted.
Kaidan thrust himself up from the bed. Dwelling on it was not helping. He was ready to talk...needed to talk.
He replaced the picture on the nightstand and headed for the door.
Andrea smiled at him as he entered the room. She had seen the look before...he was determined...ready to get it out in the open.
He sat quietly facing her and nodded.
"You're ready to talk now?" she asked.
"Yes, I think I am," he answered.
"So...why did you lie in the email you sent Shepard?" she asked.
"I didn't want her to feel sorry for me...I didn't want her to feel as though she was obligated to stay with me," he confessed.
"And you thought that if she knew the truth about your seeing me she would feel this way?" Andrea asked.
"I don't know...maybe...I just didn't want her to think I was weak...that I couldn't move on," he answered.
"So you told her that we were dating," she said.
Blushing Kaidan lowered his head and sighed. "Yes," he answered, "Are you angry?"
Laughing softly, she replied, " Actually...no...it's not the first time someone lied to cover up the fact that they were seeing a psychiatrist."