So I wrote this little bit of crazy for a fanfiction class (if you can believe it). I found it just recently and decided to put it up because, for better or for worse, it still amused me. I find lately that I'm writing a lot because I am amused by the content. Problem? I think not.

Ain't mine. I mean, the story is and all, but not the people or anything JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT I WAS KISHIMOTO IN DISGUISE.

In the end, Neji could only blame himself. Still, it wasn't like he'd known in advance that he would be subjected to such a constant parade of idiocy.

As a Jounin-ranked ninja, Neji was usually the team leader on missions that required the skill of more than one ninja and thus was allowed to pick his own team. The particular mission Neji had been given this time called for extreme stealth, observation, and tracking skills, so the choice had been obvious: he would take Inuzuka Kiba and Aburame Shino.

The Inuzuka clan, with their canine sensibilities and literal canine companions, were born trackers. The Aburame clan's symbiotic connection with their kikai bugs allowed for a handy method of observation from safe distances. And Neji, of course, had the all-seeing eyes the Hyuuga clan was famous for. All in all, the team was primed for finding, stalking, and taking notes on their mission's target, who, it should be noted, would be completely oblivious to their presence.

Ideally, that is.

Neji still couldn't figure out exactly how Kiba had managed to avoid giving them away thus far. There had been far too much bitching numerous decibels above the level of noise implied by 'stealth', but then again, the man they were following was getting on in years; perhaps he was going a bit deaf? Either that or he was leading them into a trap. But since Shino's insect spies had given no such indication in any of their recent reports, Neji felt safe enough.

"ARGH. Why can't she just leave me the hell alone? I mean, have I ever asked for her help? The answer, my friend, is big fat NO. But 'oh no, you're twenty-three and you don't have a girlfriend! Obviously something is wrong!' Yeah, well, maybe if she'd fuckin' get a life and stop interfering with mine…"

Neji let out yet another sigh, attempting to tune out Kiba's blather with meditation. In his opinion, it was still a bit too early to resort to physical violence, an activity that was best left to a time of day when the sun was actually up.

The first rant of the day seemed to be losing steam already as Kiba failed to come up with new complaints. The source of his ire was his older sister, who was (allegedly) setting him up with every single woman in Konoha between the ages of twenty and twenty-seven, regardless of what he had on his schedule and regardless of how compatible he was with whatever woman she had conjured and regardless of anything he had to say at all.

Or so Neji had been told for the better part of a week. Thank the gods their mission was drawing to a close.

He was startled out of his thoughts by a muffled yelp and looked over to see Kiba sucking furiously at a wound on his hand. Akamaru, the doggy cheese to Kiba's human macaroni, was apparently feeling rather mutinous this morning and had bitten his partner. Neji couldn't blame him; Akamaru had been trying to sleep and besides, he had to listen to this shit way more often.

"The fuck, Akamaru! That hurt!" Kiba's outburst was ignored, which didn't help the situation but was funny to watch. There was something resolutely pathetic in being scorned by a dog; an intelligent and gigantic dog, but a dog nonetheless. Kiba, however, didn't think so.

"And what the hell are you looking at?"

Somehow, even through a miasma of fresh irritation and general stupidity, the dog-ninja had managed to pick up on Neji's amusement. Not that Neji cared; he merely shifted his eyes back to their former position, that being one of constant vigilance upon the hut in which their target had spent (and was still spending) the night.

"Oy! I asked you a question, asshole. Don't ignore me, I've had enough of that from Traitor McTurncoat over there."

Kiba was now standing over him. Neji got to his feet as well, deciding to use his height to his advantage; Kiba was much easier to deal with when it was made obvious that he wasn't the biggest dog around. Neji's eyes pointedly alighted on the injured hand the dog-ninja was still nursing. "Are you sure? Last I checked, he was the one who had had enough. And would you mind toning your whining down just a little? We are trying to be discreet here."

Kiba's jaw tensed. "Don't push me, Hyuuga. Don't even start. I've had enough of people treating me like what I have to say doesn't matter."

"Then why don't you tell that to your sister, the only person you've mentioned this week besides, of course, her never-ending harem of potential dates for you." Neji muttered through his teeth. "And I'm implying that as one entity, by the way, since there seem to be too many women in it for you to name off the top of your head."

Not that you could remember more than five or anything.

Neji raised his eyebrows expectantly at Kiba, who opened his mouth, closed it, turned an unflattering shade of pink, and then let all his breath out in a huff.

"Yeah, like she'd listen. What do you think I've been doing since this whole thing started? She's convinced that I'm incapable of surviving without outside guidance, despite the fact that I've been wiping my own ass for years now. And believe me, with our sense of smell she'd be the first to know if I wasn't doing a good job of that."

Neji rolled his eyes. He so hated playing the role of the agony aunt. "If it's that bad, tell your mother. Surely your sister would listen to the woman who birthed her."

Privately, Neji thought anyone who valued their life would listen to Kiba's mother; she was downright scary. She could be rated at any given time on a scale of woah to AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

Kiba, however, just shook his head morosely. "Nah. Mom'd probably agree with her. She'd probably even get pissed at my sister for picking any girls who are remotely nice. I don't think she'd approve of me being with a girl who couldn't beat me up."

Neji had nothing to say to that. And it so happened that Shino, who had woken up right on time to take his turn at keeping watch, chose now to make his entrance. The bug-ninja approached steadily, speaking in low tones. "Did you not sleep, Kiba?"

Neji stood to leave, perfectly ready for a bit of shut-eye. "He riled himself up so much on his own that he had to sit up with me and tell me about it. Again."

A growl resonated behind him. "Shut your face, Hyuuga. You wouldn't know how badly mothers and sisters can tangle with your life. If I don't get them to butt out now, I'll probably be stuck with them all the way to hell and back."

Neji directed a look of weary exasperation in Shino's general direction. The bug-ninja radiated amusement back at him and intoned, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much."

Kiba almost didn't catch it, and wouldn't have if Akamaru hadn't snorted in what was clearly laughter.

"What the fuck did you just call me?"

Shino's calm demeanor was unruffled. "A lady, and why not? You're certainly complaining like one."

Kiba started to overreact, much as selfish children do when they want three scoops of ice cream and only get one, but Neji had had enough. It was still too early to fight, so he settled for giving Kiba a good shove and a sharp look.

"I understand that your situation is bothersome, Inuzuka, but if you've given up fighting it, then be a man and accept your fate. If that causes you to suffer, I'm sorry for you, but suffer in silence if you would be so kind."

Kiba's face indicated that a typhoon was brewing just under the surface, but he kept his mouth shut. Neji kept his eyes focused on the dog-ninja just a moment longer, then turned and headed off to rest. Hopefully Kiba was saving up his rage to use when he got back to Konoha and that meddling sister of his; it was unusual for the dog-ninja to take smart advice so quickly, but perhaps he had cleared his head of his problems enough for some sense to take root.

But if it hadn't, God help Kiba's sister. If Kiba behaved in such a way on every subsequent mission, someone was going to kill her, if only to put themselves out of his misery.