Episode 1:
A Likely Story.

Standing in the middle of the bare room, the young Time Lord known as the Cavalier shifted his eyes from side to side.

"Look." he said, "I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't my fault." He was addressing the older Time Lord on the other side of a ornate granite desk, the placard on it read: 'The Judge'.

The wall behind the Judge was a simple red wood, the dim light suspended from the ceiling illuminated the Judge leaning forward. He peered at the Cavalier over folded fingers, waiting for him to speak.

Ill ease with his spartan surroundings, the Cavalier did his best to explain. "You see, sir. It was the Pilot. Pilot did it, he was the one who asked for pancakes. So, I told him, the spatula don't work that way. It does anything but pancakes, I said. I can make you a muffin, but nooo..." The Cavalier was getting into the stride of the story, the words were rolling easily off his tongue now. "He wanted pancakes, wouldn't take no for an answer. So, I tried. But, like I said the spatula, that's my sonic spatula."

The Cavalier pulled out a yellow plastic spatula from a pocket in his long coat, springs and wires hung off the end.. "This thing here. Well, the spatula doesn't do pancakes. I really tried, but friction, and batter, and a little pinch of high explosives... Ka-boom."

Frowning, the Judge tilted his head forward, his heavy eyebrows formed a single line.. "Please, continue."

The Cavalier swallowed, sticking his hands in the pockets of his long, black, leather, coat. "Look, it's not my fault. Enigma tried to put out the fire, but he had the wrong button. Kinda lit the temple on fire. Only a little bit though."

The Judge leaned back in his chair. It squeaked as it rocked backwards. "Only a little bit? The entire building burned to the ground."

Wincing, the Cavalier averted his eyes from the Judge. "The High Master was not pleased, first the hat, now the temple, then the next week there was the other temple. Nasty business for everyone."

The Judge sighed. "And just what a temple doing on that planet?"

"Besides burning?"

"Besides burning."

"Standing? Looking pretty? Serving small sandwiches? Employing pretty priestesses. All that good stuff. "

"I meant, why was the temple there in the first place?"

"Because the locals built it there." answered the Cavalier with a smile.

The Judge rolled his eyes. "This cavalier attitude you're sporting, it will-" he placed his face in his hand. "I walked into that one, didn't I?"

The Cavalier beamed, and nodded. "Yup."

"Forget it."

"Not gonna happen."

With a scraping noise, the Judge opened a drawer in his desk and took out a pencil and sheet of paper. He tapped the pencil near the top of the paper. The Cavalier arched his neck, trying to get a look at the paper. The top of the paper curled over, revealing a pair of angry looking eyes. The Cavalier sighed, and slumped.

"You are aware that the very existence of that structure violates your entire mandate?" asked the Judge.

"Are you aware your paper is looking at me funny?" shot back the Cavalier. The Judge rolled his eyes and sighed again. The Cavalier mentally pumped his fist. Finally, both reactions at once.

The Judge rolled up the paper, and pushed it aside. The Cavalier waggled his eyebrows at the disappearing eyes.

"I will ask again. Are you aware that a temple even existing on that planet is a direct violation of your mandate?"

The Cavalier shrugged. "Look, it was there when we got there. We had nothing to do with that, nothing at all."

"You are sure?" the Judge tapped his desk with his fingers.

"Uh-huh."

The Judge stood. "Very well. I do hope you realize the seriousness of this matter, your very future could hang in the balance. Before we adjourn, do you have any final statements to make in your defense?"

"Only that I'm very sorry for the actions my friends took. Oh, and that it's not my fault." The Cavalier took off his hat, and bowed to the Judge. "Thank you for hearing my side of the story. Just remember, it's the truth." The Cavalier turned, and all but sprinted from the room.

"First of all," the Pilot said, leaning forward in his chair pointing two fingers at the Inquisitor, "lemme just say that I was only slightly involved in what happened." His eyes shifted from side to side nervously. "Well, partially involved." With a sigh, his hand dropped. "I'm in sooooo much trouble, aren't I?"

Taking the Inquisitor's silence as encouragement to continue, the Pilot took a deep breath and fell into the high-backed chair. "Well, if there's anyone really to blame, it was Enigma. He was suppose to be the one keeping us on mission, but he ended up getting just as swept up in it as the rest of us. I just drove the TARDIS."

He shrugged, producing a small, clawed instrument not unlike a wrench from within his jacket. He waggled it between two fingers as he spoke "So anyway, bad things start spiralling out of control. Things are on fire everywhere, no-one knows what the heck's going on, the Imperial High Master's hat is now a duck; complete pandemonium." The Pilot attempted to gesture with his arms the scope of the situation.

"Did you attempt anything to stop this..." the Inquisitor paused while he searched for the right word, "panic?"

"Oh yeah, loads." The Pilot tapped the silver device against the side of his head. "Didn't really help, though. See, there was this temple and-"

"Now just wait a moment there. The people of that planet were supposed to be strictly non-religious. What was a temple—which I may remind you is a place or worship— doing there?"

The Pilot lept to his feet, hands on the desk. "Okay, now THAT wasn't my fault at all. The temple was there when we got there." His eyes shifted again. "Pretty sure."

The Inquisitor sighed, absentmindedly straightening his mustache. "No-one has accused you of anything of that sort quite yet."

"Oh." The Pilot took his seat again. His eyebrows narrowed. "Wait. Yet?"

"Continue with your account, Pilot."

"Right, where was I?" He tapped the wrench against his nose as he thought.

Against his better judgement, the Inquisitor's inquisitive side could stand it no longer. "Just what exactly is that device of yours?"

"Huh? Oh, this thing?" The Pilot held up the clawed wench. "A beauty, isn't it? Made it myself on the way there. A Neutron Spanner."

"And what exactly does it do?"

"It, uh, breaks the laws of physics at things. A bit dangerous, actually. It's what turned the hat into a duck."

The Inquisitor's eyebrow rose. "Should you really be playing with that?"

With a shrug, the Pilot stuck the Neutron Spanner behind his ear. "Probably not."

With a sigh, and rapidly increasing headache, the Inquisitor stood, gathering his notes as he did so. "I think I have heard quite enough."

The Pilot lept to his feet for a second time, slamming his hands on the desk. "OBJECTION!" He pointed an accusing finger at the Inquisitor. "I find that quite... objectionable..." He fell back into his chair. "On second thought, never mind."

The Inquisitor pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing louder and longer than before. "Just... leave. Join your companions or... something."

"Yessir." The Pilot stood, his chair scraping along the ground. "Just one last thing."

"What is it?"

The Pilot took another deep breath, a serious expression on his face now. "Those pancakes were absolute rubbish."

"Well you see, uh. It all started simply enough, actually I think it truly started with the words; 'I'm going to need a rubber duck, two rolls of duct tape, some cabbage, a toilet plunger and perhaps some glue.' It just sort of slowly roasted from there into a big loaf of 'oh snap bread,' and then got seasoned with a sprinkle of good intentions, and then it all got dropped on to a the floor in a huge mess." Spoke the Enigma, feeling a disapproving stare from the Detective.

"See the TARDIS started to sound funny; so I walked away from the console to try and find the source of the sound and thats when I slipped on a banana peel. I knew that the monkey had been through there" the Enigma continued.

"So you are blaming a monkey for everything?" asked the Detective, Writing a couple things down in his note book.

"No," Enigma quickly responded. "The monkey was just one of those random oddities that has nothing to do with anything. It's ah... a red herring I think the humans would call it. It was actually the sound of the TARDIS having engine trouble... or what ever powers its ability to move trouble. So I ordered the Pilot to set us down in the nearest place he could."

"So it was the Pilot's fault?" the Detective asked scratching a few more things in his book.

"No, he probably could have picked a better place to set down. Anyway once we were settled down I went to go check the TARDIS's device of time and space propulsion, and well then I said it." Enigma responded leaning back in his chair and looking at the ceiling.

"Said what?" the Detective asked his almost constant scratching in that notebook, pausing for more information.

"The line, the one that started it. you know the rubber duck and all of it." Enigma said still staring upwards, cringing at the sound of the scratching continue. "Anyway while I started trying to fix the propulsion device, apparently the Cavalier went outside to do something. And I guess the Pilot followed him later. Anyway a while later I went out to find them, and try to figure out why I was suddenly alone. So I left the monkey in charge."

The tip of the detective's pencil broke at that point. "You... left the monkey in charge. I thought it wasn't involved in anything that happened on the planet?"

"Oh it wasn't. It was involved in something else." The Enigma responded.

"What was it involved in then?" the Detective asked.

"Uhh, I can't answer that on the grounds that it would incriminate me by association, and the monkey," the Enigma responded. "Anyway, I come out just in time to see the Cavalier holding that spatula he carries around high in the air, and for a pancake land on the temple, and then it just kind of... uh Phoomph." The Enigma said throwing his hands out to his sides.

"Phoomph?" the Detective said doing the same hand motion.

"Yea, the whole place just kind of lit up like a small star. It was actually kind of pretty. And no one was hurt, I think." the Enigma continued.

"Okay backing up a little bit, can you tell me why there was a temple on that planet?" the Detective asked, trying to save a little of his own sanity.

"Well I can't be too sure, when everyone was watching the temple burn I think I saw a shifty looking fish feeling the scene of the burning temple." The Enigma spoke in a whisper leaning in like he was afraid that someone else was listening. "But I can't be too sure as I didn't see the start of the whole thing, anyway I figured out how to save the temple, I tried to use my universal remote to create make it rain, but I couldn't get enough reception for that. So instead I tried to change the ground under the temple to a swamp," The Enigma shuddered. "That didn't end so well."

"How so?" the Detective asked.

"Uhm... Have you ever heard of swamp gases? The whole swamp just kind of... There was all of this... It was sort of like one giant... uh burning thing." The Enigma finished. He put his hands between his legs and the chair, and offered no further comments.

"I see." The Detective responded. "Do you have anything further to say in your defence?"

"Uh the weird noise, monkey, combustible pancakes, shifty fish, swamp gases; Did I say anything about the Karshivck?"

"The Karshivck?" the Detective asked.

"What Karshivck? I didn't say anything about a Karshivck." the Enigma snapped back, before clamming up once again.

"Very well then I'll take your statement to the others you can go wait in the waiting room for when we are ready to receive you as a group." The Detective spoke while standing up. He picked up his notepad and pencil and then left the room.

The Cavalier was becoming very bored. He'd been sitting still for almost a full minute. There was nothing interesting in the waiting room, so he stared at Enigma. He hadn't said anything when he entered. The Cavalier was dying to know what happened.

He stood up, he couldn't take sitting anymore. "So, what happened?" he demanded.

"Uh, not much. I was asked a bunch of questions, and then answered them." Responded the Enigma. "Nothing overtly interesting happened, what about you?"

The Cavalier punched himself in the palm. "The same thing. Seems like the Judge thinks you're responsible for burning down the temple." he shook his hand. "Also, ouch."

"Thinks I'm responsible? Did you blame the whole thing on me?" The Enigma asked, looking hurt, a bit indignant, but mostly angry. "It was that pancake of yours that started the whole fire!"

Cavalier wheeled to stare Enigma in the face."My pancake? It was Pilot's pancake! I wanted to make him a muffin, but he wanted a pancake. I told him my sonic doesn't do pancakes, but did he listen? It's his fault, not mine!"

"You're the one who decided to cook them outside for some reason. Why did you cook it outside?" The Enigma asked, looking at his fellow Time Lord in trouble.

"It was too long of a walk back to the TARDIS, and you know how Pilot gets when he's hungry." The Cavalier shrugged as he finished.

"On another note, why were you two outside in the first place? I thought you were going to try and find the pool?" The Enigma asked. "Actually didn't I give you an order to find the pool?"

"Orders? When did you give orders? Was it before the monkey? And who put you in charge anyway? I thought we were all equal on this one!" The Cavalier visibly deflated. "Aw, I think we might have really messed up big time." He perked up. "Do you think they'll let us keep the TARDIS when they banish us?"

"I don't see why not." The Pilot fell backwards onto the nearby bench, brushing a strand of hair away from his face. "After what I told them, I wouldn't be surprised if we each got commendations."

"Oh, hello." said the Cavalier, turning to face the Pilot. He froze. "Wait, commendations? What in the name of Skaro did you tell them? And was there always a bench there?"

"I don't think so." The Enigma responded.

The Pilot shrugged. "It's a wibbly-wobbly bench. Time-resistant and all that." He took the Neutrino Spanner out from behind his ear and began spinning it between his fingers again. "So, do we know anything about our collective fates yet?"

The Cavalier shook his head. "Not a peep." He took his spatula out of his coat and began mimicking the Pilot.

"How long do you intend to keep using that anyway?" the Pilot asked, eyeing the strangely sonic utensil.

"What's wrong with my spatula? I happen to be quite fond of it." As the Cavalier frowned, his spatula spun out of his hand, and smashed on the beige wall of the room. "Bloody hell." The Cavalier shrugged, and pulled an identical spatula from another pocket. "Always keep a spare." he said, resuming the twirl.

"I bet I can fix that mark on the wall." The Enigma said pulling his Universal Remote out and pointing it at the wall. "Lets try my personal favorite. Channel two fifty seven."

"Is that a good idea?" asked the Cavalier. "Remember last time?"

The Pilot shrugged. "Couldn't be worse than five-oh-one. I hate five-oh-one."

"Fair enough. Five-oh-one was pretty bad. No way this one can be worse." agreed the Cavalier.

"Ah, I thought Five-oh-one was fairly good, anyway let's check this out." The Enigma pressed the enter button on the remote and the wall suddenly became a portal to some underground cave with some large pink lizard in it.

"This is new. Hello there!" called the Cavalier through the wall, giving the lizard a cheery wave. He turned to the other two. "I like this channel." he whispered.

The Pilot stared at the lizard with a decidedly deadpan expression; the corners of his lips quivering as he suppressed a giggle. "Why is there a lady lizard in the wall?"

"Uhm well that was unexpected. Uh, hello Miss Dragon. Is it just me or does it look angry?" the Enigma asked?

"I vote we change the channel," the Pilot said, raising one hand.

"I dunno. I think she's kinda cute," argued the Cavalier, tilting his head.

"Oh, look, smoke is coming from it's mouth. Lets try eighty eight." the Enigma said quickly entering the new numbers into the remote.

"Aw... Did I upset you? I didn't mean to. Call me!" shouted the Cavalier.

"Good bye Miss Dragon." The Enigma said as he started to channel surf many kinds of walls flashed before the eyes of the three Time Lords; tall ones, short ones, red ones, blue ones, one with green eggs and ham. The wall finally settled on a rather strange, but bizarrely similar wall.

The only change from the first wall was that the new wall had a pair of posters. One of a small black bird, holding a pair of cymbals, astride a large white bear. The other showed an armoured fighting vehicle with the caption of "Ok Captain, armour like that will take us all the way to Berlin!"

The Pilot tilted his head, staring intently at the poster of the bird and bear. "Well then, this is much more interesting." He turned to the Enigma, giving him a thumbs-up. "Well done indeed."

"I dunno, I liked two-fifty-seven. I think the lady lizard and I had a nice thing going there." said the Cavalier. "I don't get this at all."

"You thought you and the shower door-handle had a thing until you decided it was more interested in Enigma," the Pilot quipped back. "There simply isn't enough door-handle for the both of you." He grinned impishly. "It's too much for it to handle."

"The only reason the door-handle kept looking at me was because I had a much larger and much more fancier hat at the time... Does anyone else feel an icy cold stare of heavy disapproval on your backs? Or is it just me?" The Enigma asked.

"Now that you mention it..." The Pilot turned around. His eyes went wide and his face pale. "Uh... guys? I think we're in trouble," he barely whispered, a nervous smile spreading across his twitching face.

"Ooh!" called out the Cavalier. "Again! Is it the lady lizard?" He turned around. "Oh. That kind of trouble. Not so much fun. Hi guys! How's it been?"

The Enigma was the final one to turn around, largely because he was hoping it was some kind of reverse situation to the Weeping Angels; if you don't look at them, maybe they can't hurt you. But he eventually caved in largely because his nose was running and his legs had gone numb from the cold.

"Hey, you know, you guys can be really terrifying, especially when I don't know you're there." said the Cavalier to the Judge, the Detective, and the Inquisitor. The three of them were standing near the far wall, a mixture of disappointment and confusion evident on their faces.

The Inquisitor's eyes narrowed, flicking between the three junior Time Lords and their handiwork. He spoke through gritted teeth. "One of you... ANY of you. FIX that wall!"

The Pilot snapped a salute, making a noise similar to "meep" as he fumbled with his Spanner. He spun about, fiddling with one of the dials and muttering to himself. "Thirty-seven alpha. That oughta do it." He pointed the Neutrino Spanner at the wall, using both hands to steady his shaking hands.. "One fixed wall coming up, sirs!"

"Don't worry. This'll work. It usually does." The Cavalier paused. "Sometimes."

The Enigma quickly moved away from the wall and took the best cover he could behind a couch on the far wall. "See It's that sometimes that bothers me." He spoke from behind the couch.

"Here we go!" The Pilot pressed the largest of the buttons on the Spanner. Aside from the low tone emanating from his device, nothing seemed to happen for a few seconds until a strange whistling sound began faintly emanating from where it was aimed.

"Ooh. That's not a happy sound. I think this might be one of those bad times..." moaned the Cavalier.

The Pilot's smile faltered for a second. "Don't worry! This is perfectly normal!" A split second later, the bird and bear poster began to balloon outward. The tacks holding it to the wall came loose, revealing what appeared to be a large soap bubble made of wall. "Uhh..." A second bubble began forming nearby, followed by another. And another. "Perhaps Enigma had the right idea..." the Pilot said, taking a step back just before the largest of the bubbles burst, covering him and the Cavalier with a coating of liquified wall-stuff. The Pilot's face contorted, reflecting his utter disgust. "Ewwwwwwww."

The Cavalier sighed, and began brushing at the beige liquid with his spatula. "I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it." The spatula began to buzz faintly. The Cavalier didn't seem to notice. A few seconds later, the Cavalier's coat began to smoke.

"Say," the Pilot said, wiping blobs of wall from his face. "Is that one of those smoking jackets?"

"No. What makes you say that- oh." The Cavalier's eyes widened as a tendril of smoke drifted up his nose. "I see." he said, flailing with the spatula. The smoke thickened. "Uh, little help here, guys?"

"Not to worry!" the Pilot said with enthusiasm that was rapidly turning to sheer terror. "I can fix this!" He brandished the Spanner again, once again fiddling with the dials.

"That won't be necessary." The Detective said as he stepped forward pulling out sonic cigarette lighter and pointed it at a water sprinkler above the now heavily smoking Cavalier. The sprinkler burst into life and happily began to soak everything it could possibly reach, including the main target directly beneath it.

The Cavalier stumbled against the wall, surrounded by mist. "Well, that was a good way to let off some steam." he said, stowing the spatula in his breast pocket. A few seconds later he winced as a sizzling sound came from that vicinity.

"Seems to me," the Pilot said, sticking his spanner behind one ear again, "that we're all..." He shook his head. "No, even I can't make that pun. The pun-ishment would be too- Darn it."

The Judge stepped forward, hands on his hips. "It is time for this madness to end. The committee has reached a decision. We have an assignment for you."

The Cavalier perked up, leaping off the wall, spatula in hand. "We're ready! Tell us what to do!"

"An assignment, huh?" The Pilot brushed more wall from his coat. "We're not gonna have to write," he began speaking in a nasally tone, "I will not replace the wall with one from an alternate dimension, cause said wall to begin to boil, and set myself on fire," he switched back to his normal speaking voice, "five hundred times, are we?"

"Aw... I don't like that kind of assignment. It's so boring, with the writing and the sitting..." protested the Cavalier.

"It could be worse," the Enigma said standing up from behind the couch. "At least it won't be some pointless fetch quest. It won't be a pointless fetch quest will it? I honestly think you three wouldn't set us up on something as potentially damaging as one of those."

The Judge frowned. "A what quest? Nevermind. I don't want to know. No. We have something of great importance for you to do. We need you to deliver this package to the Doctor. Seeing as you are even more insane that he is, tracking him should be...easy...for you."

The Inquisitor cleared his throat. "Well, by 'great importance', we mean that it's minor enough that even you three couldn't mess it up too badly." He shot a glare at the Pilot, who looked like he was taking the statement as a challenge. "Don't even think about it."

"I think it's a bit late for that. Either way, here is the box holding what ever we want you to deliver to a Time Lord named The Doctor." The Detective spoke, reaching back through the door they had entered the room and pulled a large boring looking brown paper wrapped box. "There is one final thing you need to know about this package. Never! Ever open it! or we'll know, and you will be on one of those fetch quests you speak of."

The Cavalier stepped forward, and carefully took the package from the Detective. "On my word of honor, I will not try to open this box." he said, stepping back.

The Pilot placed a hand on the Cavalier's shoulder. "I swear on his honor too. No opening of the boring box of unknown contents."

The Enigma went with a more traditional method of lying to your superiors, he crossed his fingers behind his back and responded with a simple, "Yes sirs."

The three senior Time Lords walked out of the room. The Cavalier shot the Pilot a smile, and began tearing at the box's wrapping. The Judge stuck his head through the door.

"Knock that off." he said. The Cavalier looked up in panic. The Judge frowned. The Cavalier smiled, and shrugged. The Judge shook his head, and disappeared again.

"Right then." said the Cavalier. "To the TARDIS?"

"To the TARDIS!" echoed the Enigma.

"For adventure!" imitated the Pilot.