Logan Goes Back to School
People are NOT objects. You can NOT own them. I am no different, I don't own anyone, especially not the X-men. Promise.
It was a normal day, sun was shining, trees were waving in the breeze, and all the children were out having a marvellous time. It was a happy day. Everyone was happy.
"Holy mother of CRAP!"
Everybody looked wide eyed at Logan, he had a letter in his right hand, his left was getting ready to carve it to bits.
"Logan, we don't need any of that BLOODY language in this institute!" Shouted the Professor. The students all looked as the professor wheeled his way towards Logan.
"Now, what seems to be the problem?" Xavier asked, putting his hands together.
"Well, you see, my IQ isn't the highest it could be Professor and…." Logan looked around, everyone was listening.
"Go on, Logan, I promise I won't laugh" The Professor nodded. Logan leaned forward and whispered a figure into the Professor's ear. A slight grin appeared on Xavier's face. He bit his lip.
"So, you can see the embarrassing situation I'm in" Logan pleaded, holding the letter.
"Yes, I need time to think on this" Professor looked thoughtfully into the distance.
"You won't tell anyone about…y'know?" Logan rubbed the back of his neck.
'No of course not" Logan left the room. As soon as he was gone, the professor called a meeting.
At the meeting!
"We're all here to discuss Logan's ridiculously low IQ!" The Professor said.
"Great….." There was a dead silence; it lasted almost five minutes, maybe more.
"What is there, like, to discuss?" Kitty asked, getting up. The Professor drew a gun and shot Kitty dead. She fell to the floor with a thud. Everyone looked wide-eyed down at her body.
"Professor…. You…you shot her" Storm stuttered out, still looking down at her body.
"Relax, they're duds" The Professor said, holding up his gun.
"No they're not" Scott said simply.
"Oh" The Professor said, slightly startled.
"You killed mein Katzchen…" Kurt stuttered out.
"Well, let's not sit around playing the blame game" The Professor said innocently
"I'm calling zhe police" Kurt got up and was just about to Tele-port, but with The Professor's quick ass thinking….
BANG
Another body fell to the floor…Everyone looked down on it, wide-eyed still.
"Professor? Vhy did you shoot Evan?" Kurt asked, confused.
"He looked at me funny" The Professor looked around "Oh…and he left the toilet seat up"
"No, that was me" Ray said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Really?" The Professor asked, scowling.
"Yeah, ya see…."
BANG
A third body fell to the floor.
"Anyone else leave the toilet seat up?" The Professor asked pointing the gun at the crowd of people. Who all shook their heads in unison.
"Great, now, let's all sit down" All the x-men went back to their places. "Oh, Amara you don't have to"
BANG
"Now on with the meeting".
Everyone continued talking very excitedly, for long hours they discussed different combinations, and after hours and hours of debating….
"So, we're decided then?" The Professor asked.
"Yeah, I think so," Scott said looking down the long thin table at everybody.
"Alright then" The Professor picked up the phone and dialled a number "Hello? Yes, we want a three cheese and pepperoni pizza, three garlic breads and a family sized coke" The Professor put down the phone. "Now that the food is on its way, lets talk about Logan"
"When will it get here?" Scott asked.
"Well it's six o'clock now, so six-fifteen"
Long hours of discussion took place, hours and hours of long dreary discussion, hours and hours, hours hours, hour upon hour went by, long hours hours, always hours. Never a stop! NO! The HOURS always are here, always with the hours, and the discussion and the discussion and the hours! THE HOURS!
"What's the time?" Scott asked.
"Two minutes past six" The Professor answered, looking at his pocket watch.
"So, Logan is going back to Kindergarten?" Storm asked, holding the letter in one hand.
"That's a great idea!" Scott shouted.
"Where do you get your ideas?" Kurt asked in astonishment.
"Well, it says he is in the letter" Storm said pointing at the letter.
Then there was knock at the door.
"I'll get it," The Professor said, wheeling to the front door. Everyone listened closely.
"Hey here's your pizza, dude" They could hear from the hallway.
"Yes how much is it?" The professor asked politely.
"$9.50, dude" The delivery guy answered.
"Let me just get my…" BANG!
From the meeting room everyone was wide-eyed again. The Professor wheeled back into the room.
"Pizza is here!"
"Professor…you can't just shoot your problems away," Scott said, patting the Professor's shoulder.
"Oh yeah!" The Professor pointed his gun at Scott's head. Scott quickly sat back down.
The pizza was quickly eaten, and then, they went on with the meeting.
"So it's agreed, Logan is going to Kindergarten, forever!" The Professor laughed diabolically.
"Are you alright?" Sam asked.
"Are you suggesting I'm crazy?" Asked the Professor.
"No, I just…"
BANG
"Well I am! I'm completely out of my tiny little mind" He looked around the room.
"Does anyone else think I'm not crazy?"
Jubilee raised her hand
BANG
"Be honest!" The Professor urged.
Bobby and Jamie raised their hands.
BANG BANG
'Excellent, well, back to the meeting' The Professor slotted his gun in a holster on his ankle, then wheeled to the table once more.
'Well, Professor, what else is there to discuss?' Jean asked, kind of nervously, considering.
'If I weren't such a lazy man' The professor started, narrowing his eyes 'I'd get my gun back out'
Jean quickly sat back down, and kept her mouth shut. The survivors of the Professor's rather sadistic outburst looked around the room nervously. They looked around the room with uncertain eyes, and a VERY awkward silence filled the room. Beast raised his hand.
'Yes, Hank?'
'Can I have the last piece of pizza?' He asked, his hand still in the air. There was another silence while the Professor contemplated. My, my, he enjoyed contemplating.
'Doctor McCoy, Beast, Henry, Harry, Hank' The Professor laughed 'I have just been contemplating, as I do, and, came across a slight epiphany' He smiled 'You see, if you have the last piece of pizza, which you so nicely asked for, then I cannot. So you see…'
BANG
Hank's now inanimate body fell to the floor, and the Professor helped himself to the pizza that remained in the box. He took a bite and chewed continually, slowly getting angrier as it went around his mouth.
'It's cold' He spoke through clenched teeth, and breathed heavily though his nose, everyone look wide eyed with anticipation, he was going to do something mean, they could tell, but, quite calmly, the professor placed the pizza on the table, breathed in and out, put his fingers together.
Everyone let out a sigh of relief, then, quite suddenly; the Professor drew his gun and shot the pizza.
BANG
The pizza exploded in a cloud of powdered cheese and tomato sauce. A piece of pepperoni landed on the Professor's head and his eyes swelled with uncontrollable rage.
'I'm so angry!' He yelled.
BANG: Down fell poor silent Roberto.
BANG: There goes Rahne.
BANG: And the team's new cat, Biggles, went up to kitty heaven.
The professor kept firing, but he, luckily, was out of ammunition. He placed the gun in his holster again, and continued with the meeting. The slice of pepperoni still on his head.
'Meeting' He breathed in heavily 'Adjourned' and out it came.
Everyone walked, or more precisely, slowly ran out of the room, looking behind them carefully. 'Well, there was only so much time before he cracked' Scott said, leaning on the fireplace.
'Vell, at least ve don't have to vorry about him ever again' Kurt said, also leaning on the mantle.
'Yep…what?' Scott asked, confused. 'Yes we do, this is HIS house, he could creep into our rooms and kill us all in our sleep'
'Oh, Scottie, don't be so negative' Jean said, smiling, leaning on the mantle piece. 'Don't you see that maybe the Professor has a perfect reason to kill the students'
Meanwhile, in the Professor's study…'Charles, why did you kill all the students?' Storm asked, quite aware of the dangers.
'No reason' The Professor said coolly, polishing his gun.
'Where did you even get that thing?' Storm asked again.
'I bought it, at Primart'
'Oh'
Meanwhile, at Primart…Irene Adler walked up to the counter, cane in hand and leant on it.
'I'd like a gun please' She said coolly, smiling heroically.
'Sorry, love, sold out' The shop assistant replied.
'Oh, dang!' And with that, Irene walked out of the shop.
Back in the foyer…By now, everyone was leaning on the mantle piece discussing things about the afternoon meeting.
'So, Logan's gone crazy, and, the Professor's going back to Kindergarten?' Asked Forge, who turned up a little late.
'No…No, that's completely wrong, Just go home, you dumbass' Scott said, rudely.
'Oh' Forge wiped away a tear, got off the mantle piece and solemnly and slowly walked away to the front door.
'Moron' Scott said under his breath.
'Soooooo' Said Jean 'Logan's going back to Kindergarten then?'
Just as Jean said that, Logan walked past, eating processed burger cheese slices, and overheard her.
'Where did you hear that? Who told you? It's all vicious lies! Vicious I tells ya! Vicious! AHHH!' Logan fell to his knees hitting the floor and squeezing his cheese into liquefied goo.
'Logan it's okay, we don't care that you're stupid' Rogue sympathetically patted Logan's shoulder.
'Hey, Rogue' Scott said 'Where the hell have you been all through this fic?'
'What?' She asked, raising an eyebrow.
Scott stood their, looking around at everyone 'I don't know' He put his hand to his head 'I think my mind got in touch with this alternate universe for a second, it was weird, people had concepts of '3D' objects. And with strange powers wrote long, sometimes really sad, stories about our lives'
'Scott, we all know that the third dimension is a complete myth' Jean said smugly.
'I know'
'Weird'
There was a long silence.
'I squished my cheese' Logan said sadly.
'Never mind' Jean said nicely 'We'll get you some more'
'Logan, it says in the letter you're going back tomorrow' Scott said, reading the letter.
'Yep' Logan sighed 'It might be fun'
'But it probably von't be' Kurt crossed his arms and nodded.
Logan looked to the floor sadly and sniffed.
'Logan, I know something that might cheer you up' Scott smiled.
'Yeah?'
'The Professor's gone crazy' Scott started 'He killed all the new students, Kitty, Hank, this pizza guy, Evan'
'Evan?'
'Yeah Evan, and Biggles' Scott said.
'Not Biggles?' Logan looked sad again.
'I'm afraid so'
'Oh'
'You better not be discussing things!' The professor shouted from the top of the stairs.
'We're not Professor'
Outside the School, the next day…'Be careful now, don't get into fights, don't swear at the teachers, and cut down on the smoking and drinking' Storm said in a motherly tone, before ruffling his hair and pinching his cheek.
'You don't need to patronise me, 'Ro' He said straightening his hair out.
'Hey, Mr. Logan, I made you a packed lunch' Jean said, passing him a brown paper bag.
'Yay!' He took the bag and looked inside it 'Processed cheese, how did you know, red?'
'I had a feeling' Jean also ruffled his hair and joined Storm.
'Hey, Logan, I got you this' Scott passed a yellow book to him 'I thought you might need it'
''How to stop wreaking damage for dummies' Thanks Cyke' Logan hugged the book. And Scott joined the two gals.
'Is the Professor not coming?' Logan asked, looking sad once again.
'He was busy' Scott smiled 'Sorry, man'
'Oh' Logan sighed and walked into class.
'Poor guy' Scott said 'The Professor should be here, Logan's really disappointed'
'Yeah, he's being very neglectful' Jean agreed.
Logan's Fist day….
'Okay class, let's give our new classmate a huge, warm welcome, come in Logan' Mrs Rivers said, calling out the door. Logan walked in embarrassingly a cigar in his mouth, keeping his head down. The little kids just stared at him; jaws dropped and eyes wide.
'Come on Logan, say hello' Mrs Rivers Urged.
'Yo, bubs' He nodded to the kids 'Toots' He nodded to the teacher.
'Come on kids, give him a big welcome'
The kids just stared at him.
'What the hell is it?' He asked.
'Oh yes, Logey'
'What? What a bad pet name'
'Logey, just spit' Mrs Rivers held out her hand.
Logan looked around in confusion 'Uh, miss'
'Logan, just do it'
'Okay…but'
'LOGAN!'
Logan spat his cigar out, along with some gum he was chewing. The teacher smiled.
'Thank you' She looked down at the smouldering cigar on her hand 'AHHHHHHH!' She pushed the door open and ran to the teacher's lounge quickly, Leaving Logan standing awkwardly in front of gaping faces.
'So, I'm Logan' he looked at his time table and leant over to a little boy who had his hair combed neatly into a side parting, polished shoes and very definite resentment toward the other kids of the class.
'Uh, where do I sit?' Logan asked quietly.
'Oh, over there, all the new students sit on that table for the first few days' He smiled smugly and placed his hands in his lap.
'Oh?' Logan raised an eyebrow.
'My name's Chester by the way. My dad's rich and he's sending me to private school as soon as possible'
'Oh…Great'
'I used to have braces, but my new dentist said that I looked after them so well that I could take them off' He smiled smugly again 'He offered me a lollypop but I declined. I said to him 'What kind of dentist gives away lollypops?''
'Right'
'I raise both my hands in class, just so there's more of a probability she'd pick me. I know all the answers to every question. I should be moved ahead, but there's no room in the forward class. So I have ton keep 'Learning' with these deadbeats'
'How old are you?'
'Four and three eighths' He smiled the annoying smile. 'My father said just because I'm young is no excuse for ignorance…What's your excuse?'
'Grrr' Logan growled and walked over to his seat, it stood barely one foot off the floor. Logan sighed and sat down on it. He put his packed lunch on the desk in front of him and placed his book right in the middle of it.
'I tend to read more imaginative pieces' said a little lispy voice from behind him. Logan turned around. It was Chester, smiling his smile.
'Oh, god' Logan said under his breath, and turned to face the chalkboard again.
'I've read every book by Hardy, I especially liked 'Tess of the Durbivilles', I thought he put across the mayoralty and maturity of Tess's Character very well'
'I've read every book in the Harry Potty series'
'Pfft, have you read Treasure Island?'
'No'
'I didn't like it, to short for one thing, and the fights were drawn out and there were too many pirates'
'Do you like Harry Potter?'
'Tut, pfft, What about The Catcher in the Rye? I though it was very well written, such a perceptive and understandable imagination'
'Not a fan of Harry Potter then?'
'No'
'Is there something wrong with you?'
'I did come out with a very bad rash on my stomach some years ago, it turned out I was allergic to nuts'
'Yes then.'
Chester sat down on chair next to him, and placed his hands in his lap. Logan looked across slowly, wide eyed.
'Don't you sit…over there' Logan pointed to Chester's old seat.
'I have a special privilege. As long as a chair free I am, as the most mature student, to sit in it if I please'
'Great' Logan murmured.
'We're doing colouring in today, matching numbers to colours'
'Really? That sounds fun' Logan sat up, perking up a bit.
'I find it dreadfully dull. It only goes up to five and there are only five colours. After you colour in the balloon, the present, the cat, the tree and the post-box, it's learning capabilities sort of dwindle'
'Oh'
'Though for your, obviously challenged mind, it might be a bit of a rush, I'll help you if you want me to' He smiled.
Logan closed his eyes and breathed calmly.
'Only if the Teacher says it's okay of course. Otherwise it's cheating'
'Could you, just, give me a little space?' Logan shifted away from his slightly.
'Tomorrow we-' Chester shifted his desk towards Logan, now even closer than before 'Tomorrow we're doing the alphabet, I leant it before I even came here mind. It was oh so simple. I decided after that to read up on grammar and punctuation. Learnt that in a jiffy. And. By the end of the week, I could construct complicated paragraphs'
He smiled.
'Uh-huh' Logan mumbled and banged his head on the desk and kept it there.
Mrs. Rivers entered the classroom, a bandage wrapped around her hand and a rather impatient look on her face.
'Okay class, now I want you to fix yourselves up with study partners' She looked over at Logan 'Logan, why don't you go with Chester. He's a very smart boy and he'll get you settled in' She sat down on her wheely-chair, looked around the room and took a swig of an unidentified drink'
Logan looked at it and sighed.
'Why don't I come round your house after school, I'm sure I could assist you with the colour-by-numbers'
Logan buried his face in his hands and whimpered.
I will write more, if give the right insentive. So review if you want to, and you'll get some more of my rather witty writings. If not then, don't dis my work, I have very little self-confidence. I may have a nervous break down Looks from side to side