A/N Hi Just a short tale taking a different path. The fateful birthday changes so Edward never left. No pregnancy to trigger a change. AU and OC, starts BxE but his controlling ways become too much... (I have done my best but I know even after re-reading I have left many grammatical errors that I don't even see. Sorry. Any offers of assistance gratefully received!)
Life moves on.
Life with Edward was not all I hoped for. I grew up, he didn't. His controlling ways became less acceptable. Life moves on.
They say hindsight is 20 20. I look back now and see things so differently than I did at the time.
I had so much to learn. Making mistakes and learning from them is the only way to grow. I just wish I had learned a bit sooner or a bit faster but I don't know where I would be today if I had. I like the me of today!
They always say the place to start a story is the beginning but most of you know the basics and who really wants yet another long winded rehash of events. I'll compromise and go for reminding you of the turning points.
To put it bluntly I was a oops baby. They married and tried to make it work as a family but it was not to be. They went with convention and I was taken by my Mother. Mother figure, she was not; flake, airhead, butterfly are more descriptive. She flitted from place to place, man to man, interest to interest, job to job without a care for the child she towed in her wake. I took responsibility, she let me, even encouraged me calling me her middle-aged child. She repeated it so much I believed her, more fool me.
She got a man that stuck and I became a drag. I cut myself free and headed to my Father.
He was a good solid man but he never learnt to be a Dad. I never had a parental figure so I went in doing what came naturally to me. I cooked and cleaned without asking, having utilities paid without my input was just a bonus. I never considered I didn't need to do those things for him until it was far too late.
I never had someone look after me so when I blundered into Edward's life it turned me upside down. The extremes of emotion that came with his entry to my life had me grasping at sand. As fast as I thought we had something the sand tickled away, the tighter I held on the fast it left me. Just think of a cat trying to catch the light from a laser pointer, you'd give the cat better odds of succeeding than you would me. The wallflower became a star, the heroine in an action movie. Yes, I was one of those pathetic heroines from the old films that faints at the whiff of blood. Running and being injured by nomads threw me in the deep-end. It felt like I was never enough, the more I tried to fit in the more I lost the things that make me who I am.
My 18th birthday was a milestone made more by events. Charlie hadn't had the chance to celebrate a birthday with me for many years. The miles between us and commitments of school and work took precedence. He wanted to make up for the lost years. Alice wanted to throw a party at their house but Charlie put his foot down. We went to the Lodge instead, the Cullen's joined us, but not all of them. Emmett gloated that he, Rosalie and Jasper didn't have to force nasty human food down.
The meal went well enough, me feeling guilty about the vampires pushing food around their plates and Charlie looking like he was in a dentist chair as Carlisle and Esme made small talk.
With the gifts came the problem. I cut my finger on the wrapping paper. Edward reacted strongly, pouncing to his feet. Carlisle caught his arm and Alice caught the table minimising the intensity of his response. Alice had a first aid kit in her handbag, she left it in Carlisle's expert hands. Edward went with Esme and Alice for a walk outside while Carlisle patched me up. His reaction they put down to panic for my welfare and a poor reaction to blood stemming from the loss of his parents. 'He didn't like to talk about it' ended the line questions pretty quickly, if only for courtesies sake. Charlie never quite forgave, he watched closely from then on.
The rest of the school was spent trying to reassure Edward and tolerating his ridiculous controlling mood swings. As the months became ever colder I spent more time at Edward's house. When the weather became warm again our outings were to his meadow and back. The only time we went out in public were Alice's tortuous shopping trips. Edward didn't like going to the cinema as other patrons were too noisy and distracted him from the film. The one visit to a restaurant on the night he rescued me was the first and last. Since he doesn't eat it he decided it made more sense to eat in private. Then I thought it was romantic that he want to spend all his time with me and keep me to himself.
After growing up living with the aftermath of my parents marriage and listening to the vitriol my mother spouted about 'marriage being an expensive piece of paper', that cost even more to get out of. My dreams of marriage, kids and the picket fence were only those made of nightmares. Before graduation he had given me the ultimatum, if I wanted to have sex with him before he changed me I had to marry him. I hated getting day by day older than him but I agreed to his conditions. He talked about university but I thought that would be after I was one of them.
I went though the 'she must have a bun in the oven' attitude from everyone that learnt I was marrying so young. Charlie wasn't happy but I was 18, if he kick off I would just leave and do it anyway. Renee was still in honeymoon mode so she didn't react as I expected, she was pleased for me.
Alice went all out organising an event of the decade which I had no input in. I was just the pose-able dummy that never rocked the boat. Picture perfect might be one description of the production that was my wedding but it was all a veneer, looked pretty on the outside but it was all fake if you scratched the surface.
As with everything Edward did, the honeymoon was a big secret. The fact I hate surprises was totally ignored, along with any other opinion I may have held.
The journey was long and tiring. He consummated the marriage but against his wishes and he made it known. Mister Belt and Braces double bagged, he got his. I got plenty of bruises and a return of 'I'm a monster' for the rest of the time away. He never touched me again, 'too dangerous' a line I heard until I was sick of it. I tried the response, 'so change me' but that got a strong 'no' and even more days of scowling. So yes Isle Esme was beautiful, I saw all of it rather than a more traditional honeymoon. Sightsee until I drop was the distraction he employed to avoid intimacy with me.
The seed of dissent were sown in those early days. It took me years to full acknowledge the problems but by then they had grown to unmanageable proportions.
We went back. We lived with the Cullen's. I got chaste kisses as I endured hearing the exuberant bedroom activities of especially Emmett and Rosalie.
Keeping a theme with everything a surprise, we moved. I expected a remote location so he could change me but no, Harvard instead.
I worked hard getting in a full load, thinking it was short term. I wanted to go to study groups but Edward said he could teach me everything. Parties were acceptable as long as they were Edward and Alice approved. Alice dressed us all. Edward never let go of my arm unless Alice escorted me to the bathroom.
As the months passed I started to recognise how much I missed Charlie's influence. With him, I got to go shopping alone for food, cook meals and spend time with Charlie. Now it was Edward 24/7. I felt like I was suffocating.
I like a wide range of music but it's nice to choose what to listen to from time to time. You know put something on you are in the mood to listen to. Not a chance. All I heard was, 'It isn't suitable studying music, this would be better', 'Please don't touch my stereo, it's very delicate', 'I've put some new songs on your ipod', yeah, and all my favourites have gone, 'I'll play your song for you'. I love having a song written for me but listening to a lullaby all day, every day, gets really old after a while.
Reading, my favourite escape became another bone of contention. You have read that before, this is on you reading list for next term. You should expand your horizons, try this. You haven't read the book I suggested yet, why not?
During the summer, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice all went away for a couple of weeks. Edward became a neurotic limpet for the duration. I suffered from what I can only describe as cabin fever. He wouldn't let me leave the house apart from a few visits to a different meadow.
The second year of university I played the good little mannequin but inside was a different story. The resentment and anger built daily. I loved the sunny days having the freedom just to be me.
It was during the spring months that the puppet started rebelling, just little things to start with but I gleaned so much pleasure from petty things. I accidentally sat on the volume control and it came on full. I put the CD back in the wrong case. I looked at some cd's and put them back in the wrong order. I played chopsticks on the piano. Touching his beloved piano was an offence in it's own right but with bacon grease on my fingers, oh! the horror. The coffee spilt on the silk top. The skirt that accidentally got caught in the door, ripping it beyond repair. A leaky pen accidentally left in a pocket. The grass stains on the designer suit she forced me to wear, the bonus of breaking the heel on the stupid shoes when I fell was just a bonus. Even stubbing my toe so my tears messed up the make-up. Leaving a book in a classroom, making Edward late as he retrieved it for me. The list goes on each as petty as the next.
Edward never allowed me time to spend with the rest of his family without throwing a tantrum. Alice was the only exception. Emmett wormed his way in by acting like a clown and ignoring all the rules and regulations that Edward and Alice deemed necessary for me living in the same house as them. Emmett became the big brother I idolised. His 'pranks' on me became the hair, make-up and clothes defacing variety much to my amusement and their horror. The pranks on Edward involved his music, his school books or his car, giving me anything from a few minutes to a few hours of Edward free time. Emmett got so much grief from them over his actions but that just caused him to ramp up his game.
Alice had entire wardrobes of coats and jackets for me but there was one particular white designer jacket she loved and I hated. Rosalie, the ice queen, made her distaste for me evident. She had been softening for a while. Rosalie came in from the garage one day and apologised for mistaking the jacket for a towel. It was ruined, covered in oil and grease. That was the day the tide turned between her and I. She was still icy but things went in my favour.
By early summer things had spiralled out of control.
Alice and Edward were never apart. Alice spent all her time forcing her visions so she could tell Edward what he needed to do to get me to behave. Carlisle spent most of his time either at work or out with Esme. Esme spent most of her time doing charity work, the rest of the time she spent in the house cooking and cleaning but never a cross word said. Emmett and Rosalie became my allies. Jasper was still an enigma to me.
Edward stood with Alice at his arm lecturing me on how a lady should act and dress. Now I had become very good at tuning him out and not reacting to the garbage he likes to spew. His biggest mistake was not taking into account that I was still human and had very human PMS. So, this day I let spew back at him. I'm proud to say I didn't yell, heated dialogue but no actual yelling. I didn't throw anything, I thought about it but didn't actually follow through!
I ranted about everything from him not acting like a husband, he hasn't touched me since the first night of the honeymoon. Even his chaste kisses have been replaced by a peck on my forehead when he puts me to bed. You better believe I gave him hell about that too. The rest of the complaints revolved around he and Alice acted more like my parents than my actual parents had ever done. I ran Renee's house from a young age and I took over my fair share with Charlie. Yet my husband and so called best friend treated me like a toddler. Yes, I talked about actually being capable of dressing myself and a whole host of other stuff. Their final straw came when I asked if I could expect them to try and wipe my backside since they didn't seem to think I was capable of looking after myself in any capacity.
Charlie had the vein on his temple that reflected his level of anger, Edward just looks even more constipated than normal. Alice managed to head him off with a vision. I'm guessing they didn't like my reaction if he had responded.
He and Alice went to hunt, probably to get visions on their next course of action for me.
Morning dawned with breakfast in bed, a nice healthy muesli, a glass of prune juice and a single red rose on a tray. Yeah cardboard and rat droppings would be more palatable than that muesli, the taste of prune juice makes me shudder in disgust and a stick covered in thorns ready to cut my finger in a house full of vampires. Such a well thought out intelligent apology, not! The verbal apology went as far as he was sorry I got upset. He even gave me some advil to help with 'my problems'. He claims to have gone through medical school twice but still he calls refers to it as 'my problems'.
Alice still left me clothes out, I'm glad she listened so closely. A flouncy flowery summer dress which was barely long enough for me to consider as a tunic.
I walked past the offering, I went into my wardrobe and found a pair of jeans and a t-shirt buried at the back. I dressed for comfort.
Edward stared then opened his mouth. I cut him off, "If you say a word about how I'm dressed we will be having a re-hash of yesterday".
He didn't speak but he stood still straighter, yup that stick up his ass had pushed in even further!
Alice got to Esme. I had a lecture from her about my unsuitable attire. I had no classes that day, so I had no chance at being allowed out of the house, so what did it matter. I did tell her that but in friendlier terms, she disagreed.
I had just over a week of insults trying to get me to wear Alice's choice of clothes, let Alice do my hair and make-up but I stuck to my guns.
Watching the weather report to hear of sunny skies for the next few days plastered a smile on my face. At least until morning, when Edward and Alice both decreed it was too dangerous for me to go to university without a chaperone. The fact I had gone alone in the past was completely disregarded.
The reasoning was made up as they went along, some student asked me out, wouldn't take no for an answer so he attacked me. Jasper strode downstairs wearing jeans and a t-shirt proclaiming them to be lying.
All hell broke loose, well Alice started screaming at Jasper for speaking out of turn and dressing like a hick, claiming he would be starting to sound like one next.
Edward started telling me it wasn't right for me to go without him, Rosalie stepped up to Edward and accused him of being worse than Royce. Emmett gently tapped my arm and lead me out of the house. He gave me the keys for the beast of a car Edward bought for me and sent me on my way.
The only thing that did happen is a project to work with partners. I was paired with a mousey girl by the name of Lynn.
We went for lunch to talk about the project, sad thing is she was the first human I had spent time with in all my time at university. She had a great sense of humour, she just wanted to get the best education she could and head back home. She learnt early that if she dressed down she got less attention so she could concentrate on getting her studies done.
The project was only a short one and we got the work done in those sweet sunny days. The contrast between the days so light and happy and the nights so empty and full of isolation, highlighted the problems in my life.
Looking back I can see why they tried to stop me from meeting Lynn. She was the trigger that opened my eyes. I respected her for her choices, I was embarrassed I had allowed myself to get led so far from who I was. Talking to her made me stop to consider what I wanted and what I didn't.
That weekend they decide to make their next move. I went into my wardrobe to find it empty of my comfortable clothes. Only silk and satin dresses remained, with a few designer suits. I turned and looked at Edward and shook my head. I told him to get out and stay out.
I would have moved out of the room we shared since we married but I need a bed to sleep on. He has his precious music room which was nearly an exact replica of his old room at Forks, just with the addition of a piano.
Arguments ensued. Carlisle put his foot down and agreed it might be better to have a bit of distance so tempers could cool. Esme stood reassuring poor little Edward that he would be happy soon and I would realise what I was missing with his absence.
Rose took me shopping to replace all my wardrobe. Rose, yes, she let me call her Rose by that point. All it took was kicking Edward to the curb to fully befriend Rose!
I loved my new clothes. I had lots of jeans and t-shirts but nice ones. Plenty of smart-casual clothes even some dressy stuff but in my comfort zone.
Rose pointed out she couldn't respect me if I didn't respect myself. She had told me about her human life and her dreams at the time. She talked about the change freezing you. Change as a vampire is possible but not easy. She still struggled to overcome her baggage at her reason for entry into this life.
I spent quite a bit of time, after that talk with Rose, questioning if I still wanted to be a vampire. It was a whole other set of questions when I thought about my future with Edward, if I even had a future with him.
When I considered becoming a vampire I looked at my life at the time.
I emailed both Renee and Charlie. Charlie replied to everything I sent him and sent me stuff now and then. Renee was hit and miss. Friends, Alice claimed to be my best friend but I wasn't sure how much of a friend she ever was to me. Rose was the nearest thing I had to a real friend. She talks to me and listens when I speak. I trust her to be honest with me even if she doesn't think I will like what she has to say.
If I become a vampire the blood lust and the pain of the change were my biggest fears. Charlie, I don't want to lose him. Children aren't something I ever wanted, I wanted the chance to be a child not have one. If I got older and my biological clock kicked in, well I would reconsider then. As for the isolation from humans and moving, that's virtually the life I had with Renee, it's all I know, so I don't see that as a down side.
Eternity with Edward sounds pretty torturous at that moment but I can hope he can find the boy I fell in love with, I think. I'm started to wonder if he was showing his true colours and I had grown up too much to fall in line with his expectations. I felt like a traitor just thinking that.
Did I want eternity without a partner, eternally the third wheel or worse, alone? That was my hardest question.
That summer I spent travelling. I visited Renee and Charlie, they questioned why I was alone but I told them Edward was visiting his distant family and we agreed to split so we could each spend more time with them. I could see in their eyes they knew there was more to it but they allowed me my lie.
Rose invited me to spend a few weeks travelling with them, Emmett bounced in excitement at the idea. I did double check a few times that I wouldn't get in the way or be inflicted to their couple time. I took Rose's word over Emmett's innuendo.
I loved those few weeks. I loved my freedom, the choice of what to wear, where to go, what to do. It made me realise I wouldn't go back to being controlled even if it cost me the rest of the family. I hoped it wouldn't but I had to hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
My last year of school. The autumn months I spent trying to rebuild a relationship with my husband but each and every time the pieces fell further and further apart. Each time he dazzled me I became more and more resentful, once I recovered. He destroyed any remnants of trust.
Ours wasn't the only relationship that was falling apart. Jasper stopped letting Alice dictate his every move. Alice got angry trying to force his hand by claiming he would hurt me or someone else. Jasper proved Alice wrong each day. Each time she lied or withheld the truth their distance grew.
Jasper started spending more time with Emmett and that led to spending time with Rose and I.
I stood up for Jasper when Alice was claiming he would try to attack me, I told her I trusted Jasper without reservation.
I think that was a huge turning point for Jasper and I. He started to spend time with me without running out of the room the second we were left alone. Turns out we have quite a lot in common. We spent many hours just sat in the same room reading or discussing a book. I found those hours the most restful I can remember.
It was after Christmas that I noticed I had stopped trying to work things out with Edward. He had stopped trying with me as well. I thought I knew it was coming but it was a shock to find it truly over. It took me a couple more weeks before I pulled up the courage to end things properly. I went to Carlisle first and asked him his advice on getting a divorce. Carlisle was disappointed but he didn't think there was another way for us. He assumed I would part ways with the rest of the family but I disagreed vehemently with that idea.
It seems Alice had seen my decision and Jasper's so Carlisle got divorce papers for us, a two for one type deal. Edward threw them at me and told me he would never change me, he never intended changing me. I got more angry that he tricked me into marrying him without ever intending to follow through with all his promises. Things between us were broken but he was determined to shatter me with his spiteful barbs.
The divorces were finalised as we graduated. Edward and Alice started their demands that Jasper and I be thrown out, they told us in no uncertain terms we were no longer welcome in the same house as them.
Carlisle put up a token resistance but Alice came up with, "I can see..." and with a stream of visions, Carlisle folded.
Emmett and Rose on the other hand made it clear they were sticking by us. Carlisle fluctuated but Edward was his first companion and he sided with him.
It had been planned we would return to Forks so Charlie could throw us a graduation party. I hoped it would be my goodbye but life moved in a different direction.
Edward wouldn't go claiming it too hard for him, Alice claimed she couldn't see herself there.
Carlisle and Esme agreed to come. More for Esme to say goodbye to her favourite house for another century rather than me but I'll take what I can get!
The trip home was very bitter sweet. I graduated and divorced.
Rose is the one to give me hope and direction. She stormed into the room the day before we left, "I've had enough of all your moping, if the two of you think you are escaping us so easy you have another think coming. I have arranged for Emmett's favourite house to be opened for us and you two are coming with us whether you like it or not".
Jasper and I just sat and watched her glare at us until we nodded at her then she turned around and walked out. We looked at each other a sighed in relief.
I had no idea what to do or where to go after Forks, it weighed on me ever since the divorce. The loss of Rose, Emmett and Jasper would be an impact too great to deal with. I let my emotions free as I came to terms with Rose's ultimatum. The gratitude and love I felt for Rose in that moment bought tears to my eyes. She gave us both a gift that I will never know how to repay. Her name suits her, a whole heap of nasty cruel thorns protect a delicate, beautiful, sweet smelling flower. Her ice bitch persona hides how gentle and caring she is, of those she loves. A true she-bear to match her bear of a husband.
Jasper just whispered, "Me too".
On the journey to Forks I found out that Jasper had cornered Rose, just as I had, to thank her. I had thrown my arms around her and sobbed until she pushed me off and told me to pull myself together, while dabbing my tears I saw her chin shuddered with unshed emotion. Jasper had a similar tale, he exposed his emotions and she told him to get over himself, that's what you do for family. Her emotions were the only tell that she felt just as strongly as we did. Telling her how much we appreciated her, helped her heal just a little more. She may never be able to carry a child but she had chosen a family that loved her unconditionally.