"Ryuzaki? Is something the matter?"
He closed the door, hand on the knob, his face in shadow.
"What is it?"
His fingers fell off the handle and he didn't look at Watari. He didn't look at the monitors behind him. Instead, he stared at the floor, not taking anything in.
"What's wrong?"
Some things are so clear in his mind that it's amazing they aren't in the real world. Light Yagami is Kira. Misa Amane is the Second Kira. In his questioning of the Shinigami, he has discovered that it is possible to give up the Death Note and all memories of it. The whole thing is a puzzle and this is just another piece, fitted perfectly into Yagami-kun's guilt. But it's a piece that condemns him. Some things are so clear that it's amazing no one else can see them.
But there's that piece. That one piece. It doesn't fit in.
If the user of the Death Note fails to consecutively write names within 13 days of each other, then the user will die.
If a person makes this notebook unusable by tearing it up or burning it, all the humans who have touched the Death Note will die.
They're too clunky, they don't fit in with the rest of the puzzle. Also, they are false. He knows this because he isn't an idiot. He knows this because when Light was imprisoned, Kira's killings stopped and Light is still here. He knows this because the killings stopped for fifty days and Higuchi was still alive. He doubts the rules because there is a tear on one of the pages, not enough to make the note unusable, but it is there.
But no one else would accept this, because they don't want Light-kun to be guilty. He sees this. They don't. They don't say it, either. But it's something their actions say for them, when Aizawa calls to Light across the room, when Matsuda throws his arm around him, when his father looks at him. Maybe Higuichi gave the notebook up for awhile, wouldn't that make the rule invalid? They'd make up excuses. For Light, they would. He knows this because he would, too. In fact, he did for awhile. But something shifted after Light touched the Death Note. L had thought he'd finished the puzzle.
Then Higuchi dies, and L is wrong.
He just has to prove the rule wrong. And he's going to. After all, this is the puzzle of Light-kun's guilt. He has to piece it together and to do that, he needs the right pieces. Yagami-kun cheated, by putting in that extra piece, and Yagami-kun knows it. That's the most unfair part. Games have rules, and Light disregards them.
He has not left Light's side in sixty seven days. He has been watching him for ten months. He has given Light many opportunities to prove his innocence. He has not taken any. In fact, he's even squandered some. Like with that miniature television. Did he truly believe he wouldn't find out about that? But L played along. He let Light think he was winning. Then Light started cheating.
So why hasn't he told anyone else? He has decided it was because he wanted a confession, and this is true. He needs to hear it in Light's own voice. He needs him to look him in the eye and say "I am Kira." He hasn't done this. Not even when confronted. Not even when shown evidence. Not even to save his own life.
If the puzzle weren't so clear, he would be doubting himself. And maybe he is.
But the reason he has to see Watari, the reason he needs to stand there and stare at the ground, is because he realized his logic for not sharing his deduction with anyone else is not just that demanding desire. It is because despite everything else, L has come to care for Light.
He has mistreated him. He has told him he's his friend (and his first one, at that), he has given him false evidence, he has left him imprisoned when Kira was on the loose. He has treated Light- not like a suspect, not like partner, not like a friend- he has treated him like a pawn. In spite of caring for him. In spite of Light's being an actual person. He has even lied to him. He has told him he's his friend. They are not friends. Not at all.
He just cares about him. That's all.
Watari can't comfort him. He wants Light to be innocent, too. But he wants it for entirely different reasons. He wants Light to be innocent for Ryuzaki's sake.
But Light isn't innocent!
His ears have been ringing all day. He has been thinking, about what he isn't always sure, but mostly about Light. He's been thinking about himself, too. People are dying, again. He's going to accuse Light, again. His hands are digging into his knees and his nails are probably leaving marks. But this time is going to be different. He has the weapon now. He has the final piece. He just needs one last test. He just needs to prove the puzzle piece is wrong! He's going to win, this time. The room is hot and tense and tight. He's been thinking. He's been remembering and planning. Light is going to be proven guilty, because Light isn't innocent, and he cannot stress this point enough! If Light were innocent then everything would be different and it wouldn't end like this and- and where is that sound coming from- the walls wouldn't feel like they're closing in on him! He wouldn't feel like a toy that had been wound up and held in place!
He just needs to get outside. He just needs air. So he walks out into the rain but his chest is still constricted.
He can hear them properly, now. Those bells. They've been echoing all day.
L stands on the edge of the roof and stares out at the city. Edges of roofs are not safe locations for him. The ground is always so far down and he always wants to jump. Ah, well. L'appel du vide, they say.
He doesn't speak to anyone. What are those bells? They've been there all day. At first he thought his ears were still ringing from Light's scream when he took the notebook from his hands. But then he stepped outside, and there were bells. What could those be?
There are other matters to attend to. What is he going to do? The rain is so loud. The bells are so loud. His breaths are so loud. Everything is so loud. He still feels like a wind up toy. He can't even hear his heartbeat. He turns up to the sky. He has to stop looking at the ground. Coming out here was a stupid decision.
He senses someone else and he turns and, of course, it's Light. He isn't sure how long he's been watching him. He doesn't really care.
Light says something. L doesn't hear him. He puts a hand to his ear. Speak louder, Light. There are no wires out here.
Light cups his hands over his mouth and shouts, and L hears his voice off in the distance. He probably wants to know what he's doing. L smiles. How long has it been since he had a proper conversation with Light? Hmm.
He keeps his hand by his ear and leans closer. He continues to play along.
Looking annoyed, Light puts a hand over his head and trudges out to him. L likes it when Light looks annoyed.
"What are you doing, Ryuzaki?"
Thank you, Light, I really needed that condescending tone. I'm in the process of debating whether or not your life is worth saving.
He stares at the ground. "Oh, I'm not doing anything in particular, it's just…" He trails off and looks up again, out at the city. Where is that coming from?! "I hear the bell."
"The bell?" Light repeats, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes." So he doesn't hear them? "The sound of the bell's been unusually loud today." He's heard this sound before, hasn't he? Yes. He's sure he has. But when?
"Hmm." Light frowns with thought. "I don't hear anything."
"Really, you can't hear it?" He has to be joking. It's so loud. It's so loud. "It's been ringing nonstop all day. I find it very distracting. I wonder if it's a church, maybe a wedding…" He trails off again, meeting Light's gaze for a moment. He'd like him to latch onto that. "Or perhaps a…" He should latch onto that, too. Light should latch onto everything he says and confess to him.
"What are you getting at, Ryuzaki?" He says sharply. "Come on, cut it out- let's get back inside."
So now he thinks he's a liar. Of course he does, because L's lied to him. Light makes one final deduction. Light Yagami is a despicable human being. When people care about him, he uses them. Exhibit A, Miss Misa Amane. L cares about him. What's to happen to L? Where's Light's exhibit B? No, wait, Misa dotes on Light, whereas L-
"I'm sorry," L apologizes. "Everything I say is… made up on the spot, so if I were you, I wouldn't believe any of it."
I'm sorry, Yagami-kun. I am. I'm sorry for lying to you and calling you my friend, and for making you suffer, but if you would just confess-
-I don't know what to do!
"You know, you're right," Light smiled. His voice was oddly comforting. It's almost as if he's joking. But this isn't a joke, Light. "Most of the things you say sound like complete nonsense, there'd be no end to my trouble if I actually took you seriously all the time."
Oh. Thank you.
"I probably know that better than anyone."
Sixty seven days.
"Yes, I would say that's a fair assessment." Sixty. Seven. "But, I could say the same about you."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Light likes to take offense.
"Tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, has there actually been a point when you told the truth?"
This has happened before. L says something, and it's like the sound cuts out, it's like the frame freezes, and suddenly there are only two people in the world, and he and Light stare at each other for an infinity and something happens and something clicks before something else starts spinning again, and the world comes back. Loud, tense, claustrophobic. And L is a wind up toy with misfit puzzle pieces.
Light stares at him. He and L snap together like building blocks and everything around them stops existing.
Come on, Light. Latch onto that. There are no wires out here.
Why does he want him to confess?! Why does he want an explanation?
And then something clicks for Ryuzaki. He wants Light to get down on his knees and tell him everything. He wants to him to be sorry. He wants him to feel guilty. Because feeling that way would not only mean Light has feelings- no, no, no, it has nothing to do with that at all, does it? L wants him to feel that way because that would mean Light cares about him, too.
Why won't you just confess?!
The world starts up again. And Light begins fumbling over excuses and explanations that he probably feels justify his overabundant lies. Oh, come on. If you feel a need to make excuses, then I'll have to justify my lies, too. Oh, come on. We both know we're both liars.
Light gets closer to him, and they're very close. L can feel heat radiating off of him. He must be very warm. Their eyes lock and Light is still talking, still explaining.
What really digs at him is that he says he won't tell lies that hurts those he loves. That is what ruins him. Because he has lied to L.
He can't help but glare at him. That was probably his last opportunity to prove L wrong, to prove that Light was a good person, to prove he wasn't a despicable human being.
"I thought you'd say something like that." L doesn't try to hide his disappointment. He feels a twinge. They're very close. Close enough to- "I guess that's why you're popular." I guess that's why people like you.
"Let's head back."
"We're soaking wet."
"Yeah."
L is coming apart and melting and dripping onto the floor but Light is too preoccupied with his hair to notice. L hangs a towel over his head. Light is still concerned with his hair. L can see his skin through his jacket.
"What a terrible rainstorm," L comments, walking towards him. It's much too easy to forget how well built Light-kun is. He should have paid closer attention to things like that while they were handcuffed.
"It's your own fault, you were the one outside," Light replies. He's still drying his hair off. L has given up on his hair and the towel on top of it will probably do more than a thousand hot winds ever could.
"That's true." I'm going to arrest you, Light. I am going to prove your guilt and you will be arrested. If you're lucky you will be in jail for the rest of your life. If you're lucky. "I'm sorry."
He stares at Light, who is still fixated on his hair. He keeps moving towards him. L can't help it. He has spent sixty seven days next to Light. He is naturally drawn to him.
He kneels in front of him and- Hello, Light, you aren't having any effect whatsoever on your hair- looks up at him.
The undeniable truth, Light Yagami, is that I care about you. Also undeniable is the fact that you are Kira. And from the moment Kira came into existence, I knew I was going to have to kill him. Kira has been given the chance to confess, he has been given a second chance, but you have failed to take it. So, you are going to die.
He takes his foot in his hands, Light starts. Oh, so now he notices him. "What are you doing, Ryuzaki?!"
He sounds horrified.
"I thought I'd give you a hand," he answers quietly, looking up at him. You must like this, Kira. You must like this picture of L at your feet. Pay close attention. Your throne is going to tip soon. "I'll help you dry off."
"No thanks." Light shakes his head. "You don't need to do that."
He's so scared. What's he afraid of? Is there something you're not telling me, Light? Is there something you're not telling yourself?
"I'll give you a massage, too," L offers. "It's the least I can do to atone for my sins."
Light looks as if L has just told him he's in love with him. Maybe he has.
"I'm actually pretty good at it," L finishes, and Light doesn't break eye contact. Perhaps he wants to say something back. Confess, Light. What does L want him to confess again?
"Do what you want." Light looks away, nervous and exasperated, annoyance seeping into his voice. Despite that, he remains unreadable.
"Alright."
I am going to prove you are Kira and you are going to die. Die. You are going to be executed and Kira will stop existing, and because you, Light Yagami, are Kira, you're going to go away-
"Ow."
L blinks. You'll get used to it. You'll get used to hurt. You're going to get used to-
"I'm almost done," he says, hoarse, and continues. Light reaches forward with his towel and touches his hair. L shivers.
"You're still wet."
L looks up at him and then looks away. He can't look at Light. He's like the ground. He's like the edge. He's going to want to jump and he isn't sure how much restraint he has left. You are Kira and you're going to- I am going to-
"I'm sorry," he murmurs, but it wasn't supposed to slip out. He doesn't look back up. He stares, unseeing. He is going to do something horrible. He is going to do something he isn't sure he wants to. He is going to do something he will, without a shadow of a doubt, regret. But he is still going to do it. He has to. He's supposed to. He has a duty. Understand, Light. You have to understand. 'I'm sad.' He forms the words but doesn't say them, then he rephrases them and raises his voice. "It's sad. Isn't it?"
"Huh?"
Light has such an amazing ability, to act surprised and confused and befuddled when he knows exactly what's going on.
You'll understand, soon enough. "We'll be parting ways, soon." And the bells are so loud. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-
His phone goes off, and he doesn't have time to look at the shock in Light's face. He stands and answers. "Hello? Yes."
So he had permission. He was going to have his confirmation. He was going to get his puzzle piece. And Light Yagami is going to-
Everything inside of him was twisted. L is a wretched person. L is a toy that has been wound up and pressed down and now and now and now he's going to start moving at full speed and I am going to fall over but so are you, Light, so are you, and one of us is going to fall farther-
"I understand. I'll be there soon."
And Light doesn't know about L's little deal with the death note but when L lowers the phone, it is very clear that Light knows exactly what is going through L's head.
"Let's go, Light. Everything's falling into place."
He can no longer look at him.
-and Light Yagami… you… are going... to... die.
Everyone is mad at L but then everyone is always mad at L. He crosses over and sits down. Matsuda yells something. L doesn't listen. "Watari, has it all been worked out?"
There's a response and Light starts toward him. "Ryuzaki, what's going on?"
L likes that he's the first one he asks. He likes that Light turns to him when he's blind and deaf. He picks up a spoon and taps it against the pages of the note.
"I'm going to test the notebook out for real." He is incapable of looking at him. He does not want to see Light's eyes. Oh. Is that the Task Force shouting? Right, they exist, don't they. He'd forgotten. When Light is in the room, he has a tendency to focus on him. Mass murderer and all that. Brilliant charmer and all that. Likable and handsome and friendly and good at tennis and shares his cake and dries his hair and whole life ahead of him- and all that.
What I am going to do-
L provides the necessary explanations.
The things I am willing to do-
"I'm very close to solving this case!" L snaps, staring at the monitor. Who is he talking to? It isn't them. It isn't anyone! Two black eyes stare back at him, dimly reflected in the compute screen. He looks so tired. So much time… Sixty seven… ten… months… "If this condition is cleared, the case will be solved in one step!"
He doesn't have time to finish because there's a loud noise and red lights are flashing. Matsuda starts panicking. Of course he does.
L narrows his eyes. This wasn't a part of the game. This wasn't a part of the plan. He is still steeling himself. What I am going to-
Wait a minute.
"Watari," L says. There's no response. His eyes widen. "Watari!"
All data deletion.
He goes numb. The task force clamors for explanation. L can no longer feel his skin. His chest is ice around his beating heart.
"I instructed Watari to delete all data if something unexpected happened to him…" Watari… Watari… Something clicks again. He turns, and meets someone's eyes, not registering who. "The Shinigami!"
Where- where- Watari-
Gone.
"She disappeared!"
"She's not here!"
No- Not possible… No… What… have… you… done…
No!
What. Have. You.
"Everyone, the Shinigami-"
He hears his own heartbeat. His eyes go wide.
The spoon slips from his hands.
He doesn't realize he's falling until he's halfway out of the chair, he's slipped, he's coming apart, he's melting and dripping all over the floor, he's a wind up toy and he's caught up with himself-
The windows were stained-glass, and the little boy was all alone. All alone. All alone. There is a bell, somewhere, and someone's crying. He was always alone. He'll always be alone. He looked up at the man next to him. Maybe not always? Alone. Crying. Cold. Dong. Dong. Getting louder. Closer. It's coming for him. Dong. Dong. Dong.
"Snap out of it, Ryuzaki!"
"Ryuzaki, what is it? Is something the matter? What's wrong?"
"Ryuzaki!"
He comes crashing down and Light is right there, arms around him. He sits up and cradles him. Their eyes lock and the sound cuts out.
Bells. Warning. Warning bells. Tu es tres belle... Warning.
A thousand thoughts collide in L's head and he sees something in Light's face that shouldn't be there. His eyes are red in the alarm-light. He looks surprised. He looks afraid. He looks like L has just confessed his love.
And if L is dying- and the data's all gone- then Watari- Watari- Wammy-
And if Light is smiling- if his mouth is twisting up and his eyes are narrowed and his face is hidden in shadow then-
Kira.
What he could've done… What he didn't do… I should've been quicker…
Light… Kira… Too late… to… Light-
I can't… believe… you… killed… me…
There is one thought louder than the rest.
I can't believe… you killed me…
The world has stopped and it isn't going to start moving again. Some things are so sharp and clear but no one else can see.
I can't believe you actually killed me-
You're going to fall farther.
I can't believe you actually