Asshole. Yes, Dolls is such an asshole. Strolling over to my desk and dropping THAT on top of my paperwork and walking away. Especially after the day we just had yesterday. And what gives him the right to even poke around in my business like that. I left all of that behind four years ago for a good reason. I promised myself that I wouldn't even think of that place again, and if I did then it would be 100 years too early. The file itself is worrying enough, but the post-it note that he has set on top of the Manilla file has my heart beating faster than when Waverly decided to go all Cheerleader on me.
'Come See Me.'
His handwriting is perfect; in a straight line, all letters the exact same size and uniform. Just like everything he tries so hard to show on the outside.
There is no use hiding from it. I already know what is inside of it before I open it. The same thing has haunted me ever since I heard it spoken again yesterday.
Bulshar.
The name is the stuff of nightmares, the nightmares that I have all too often. They creep up, leaving me stuffing my face in to the pillow to hide my screams from Waverly, who sleeps beside me most nights. Sometimes the screams last a few seconds before I realize that I am awake and beside the love of my life. Other times, they just keep coming and coming, not letting up for hours on end, the pillow soaked with tears by the time I have exhausted myself and fallen back asleep again just as the sun starts to creep in through the windows.
There isn't much contained within the file, a few pictures here and there, as well as a general description, but it is undeniable that it is the Cult.
I sit there staring at the pictures in silence, looking to see if two people are contained within them. I don't know when they were taken, they could have been taken 20 years ago for all I know, but all I can do is hope that they are more recent, from within the past four years. There are no faces that I can see in the picture, everyone is either face down or facing away from the person with the camera, making it very hard to find them. It isn't even in colour, which makes it near impossible to find the very distinctive flash of red that would give me some sort of clue as to if they are alright. That they are alive.
The cop shop is almost silent. There is only the slight hum emitting from my work computer, the tick of the clock on the wall which hasn't shown the right time since I got here seven months ago, and the low melody creeping under the door of the Black Badge Division door. No one else is here, just me and Dolls. Waverly is back at the Homestead with Wynonna, Jeremy is probably off playing some sort of video game and I can only assume that Doc is keeping a watchful eye over a certain well. I break the silence with the scraping of my wheeled office chair across the linoleum floor, snapping the file closed as I go. I don't even bother knocking on the door.
"What the hell are you up to Dolls? Is this some kind of sick joke?" I slam the door open and throw the file on the table in front of him. I am really hoping this is a joke after everything that happened yesterday.
"I wouldn't joke about something like this, Haught." Dolls rubs his temples, tiredness evident in his eyes.
"How did you find out? All the records of me being there were destroyed, not that they even keep what you and I call records. How long have you known?" I sit down on the edge of the table. Too many memories were brought up by just the one picture. I was doing so well at keeping all of it just under the surface. That one damn picture has shattered the thin glass barrier and it all comes crashing down on me.
"I had BBD run a search on you when you moved here. I had to know who I was working with. Their search was," he starts, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Extensive. It threw up red flags when we couldn't find any records from before 2013. There was nothing. No birth certificate, no medical or school records. You didn't exist, and then all of a sudden you did."
"I am fully aware of that. The work I had to do, the strings I had to pull, just to be able to get in the system. They wanted to make me in to a huge news story you know- 'The girl who got away from the world's most dangerous cult'. It made me feel sick. All I wanted to do was to leave it all behind me and move on." My palms start to shake just thinking about what I had to do to get away from that place; a literal hell on earth, and that was for probably the luckiest out of all of them.
"I get that Nicole, I really do. But you have something just now that we all could use: insight. Anything that you could tell us might help." Dolls perks up a little, must be because I haven't stormed out of here yet or that I haven't completely broken down yet. "There's something else that you have that is invaluable. You have connections in there; you could go in and see what they are planning."
"Are you insane? You've obviously read the file, you know what they do. What they did to me!" I get the words out before my mind catches up to what I am actually saying.
"I don't know what they did to you Nicole. All the file has is basic information. We know very little about the cult, and that's why we really need your help. We can' go up against this blind. I need a plan. We all need a plan. And I need you to be able to do that."
I could strangle him. I honestly could. He really believes that I would go back there. I'd do almost anything, but I will never go back there. I'd rather die than go back there. No-one knows what goes on there, and if I have any say then no one ever will.
"Think about it Nicole, you could be responsible for saving us all. You could be the one to finally take it down. How is that for justice?" Dolls is trying to appeal to the heroine in me. And I am surprised to realise that it's working, maybe just a little. He did make my mind pause for a minute, and switch from killing him to taking HIM down.
"You really don't know what they do to you there do you?" I whisper. I can imagine that my face is sheet white just now, making my red hair seem brighter than usual. I take a seat and hold my head between my hands, as if that will keep the tears at bay.
"It's not a cult that you join, and if you do then you must be really sick in the head to do it. You used to be able to join; my great grandparents did for whatever reason though I never asked why. I never wanted to know why. It's definitely not a place for a child, even though we are all born in to it." The words start pouring from me before I have a chance to stop them. "Those widows, what the widow Beth wanted to do to Wynonna's baby, that happened. Not every day, but on important 'holidays'." I look up to see his face soften and feel a hand on my back. "I can't go back there Dolls." I half sob. There isn't much that can turn me in to a blubbering mess, well except perhaps Waverly, but this is something that I refuse to face. "I was one of the lucky ones, my parents were the leaders, but you don't get there with painting rainbows and unicorns, and I had to see everything that they did."
"Nicole, I won't force you. I just want you to consider it, please. This could be the thing that helps Wynonna break the curse. I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do, but please think about it." Dolls' hand still rests on my back, and I let him leave it there a while longer.
"I want to help, I really do. I'd do anything for Waverly and Wynonna, you know that. I'll think about it, but I won't promise that you'll like my answer. I don't know if I'll even like my answer." I sit back, placing a stray red lock behind my ear, wiping under my eyes in case any tears had broken free.
"That's all I can ask for." Dolls straightens up and goes over to grab his coat. "I'm going to go over and check on Wynonna. Do you want me to send Waverly your way?" he pauses at the door. I glance at the clock. Of course the one in BBD actually works. It's much later than I expected.
"Please do. Tell Wynonna I say hi will you." I tuck my chair under the table, grab the file and follow Dolls out. He locks the door after me and follows me over to my desk to grab my things. Four texts from Waverly await me on the way out. I grab my keys to lock up the cop shop and almost drop my phone.
"Careful there baby." I hear from behind me. "Late night?" I turn around and see Waverly laughing to herself. I have my coat half on, a file in my mouth, keys in one and my phone in the other. I'd laugh too if I wasn't so drained. I drop the file from my mouth and catch it in the crook of my arm before it can fall to the wet ground where it would no doubt fall open for Waverly to see.
"It felt like it was never going to end." I smile half-heartedly at Waverly and pull her in for a hug. "I missed you today." I mumble, my chin resting on top of her head.
"I missed you too baby." I hear faintly from inside my open coat. "How about we go back to yours, feed Calamity Jane and watch a movie. You can tell me all about your day." Waverly pulls away from the hug and grabs my hand with a smile on her face. That's just one of the things that I love about her, she has this insane ability to make me feel instantly whole, instead of having a big gaping hole inside of me where my childhood lives.
"I'd love that. You can catch me up on all that's going on at the homestead as well." I smile genuinely this time and guide Waverly over to my car. Her jeep is here, but as usual we take my squad car back to mine. It makes sense to use the one car, and with how early I usually start, I can always just drop Waverly back off in the morning to get it on my way in to the office.
Waverly chats the whole way back, which isn't that far. That's what I love about living in a small town, my commute is always short and I get to sleep in, which seems to happen more often than not whenever a certain someone stays over. I pull up in front of my porch steps and kill the engine. Waverly is up the steps and opening the door before I can even get my seatbelt undone. I swear she spends more time with my cat than I do, and it's only gotten worse since I gave her a key last month. Her leopard print coat is already hung on its hook and her boots nearly in the boot tray by the door. It isn't long before I let mine join hers and leave her to feed the cat, smiling at the scene for a moment before going to get changed in to my sweatpants and shirt and settling on the couch with the TV remote to try and find a movie.
I feel my weight shift on the couch, signalling Waverly joining me, and I move my arm to let her snuggle in.
"What are we watching tonight then?" her chocolate eyes staring in to mine.
"Something Pixar?" I smile. Waverly knows all too well my fixation with Pixar movies, and it is something she is more than willing to indulge seeing as she loves them too. "What about Brave?"
"You just love that movie because of her hair." Waverly teases, hitting my arm playfully. "I won't complain if you put it on though." She finishes and snuggles back in, giving me the opportunity to play Brave for what feels like the millionth time.
It isn't long before I lose interest in the movie and my mind goes back to what Dolls was saying back in the office. This is an opportunity for me to face it all, something that I've been preaching but not practising, and what better way than to face it and help these amazing people around me, to face it and help my family.
I am so lost in thought that I don't even realise that the movie has finished and that Waverly has fallen asleep curled up next to me. I know from experience that the two of us sleeping on this couch usually ends up with both of us in a terrible mood the next morning, so I do the only thing that I can. I scoop Waverly up in my arms and carry her upstairs to the bedroom, covering miss 'Three duvets plus a bonus blanket in the winter' in the thick assortment I keep on the bed just for her, and climb in beside her. My weight change on the bed when I finally settle in causing her to roll over and fit herself around my body.
Surprisingly, my usual nightmares do not wake me from my sleep, and instead it is my alarm and the sunlight streaming in through the window that does. The obnoxious ringing will not shut off, no matter how many times I try to swat at the snooze button.
"Can you just shut that thing off already?" Waverly moans beside me, grabbing her pillow to block out the early spring sunshine.
"I got it." I mumble, extracting myself from the warm bed and unplug the alarm clock. I carry it over to the window, open it and toss it out in to the half melted snow. "There we go."
"Nicole! Seriously?" Waverly laughs, throwing her pillow at me.
"I always hated that thing." I laugh, tossing it back at her, and grab my phone. I send a quick text to Dolls, telling him to meet us at Shorty's for coffee in an hour. "Come on, We're meeting Dolls for coffee." I pull the covers back off her, exposing her to the cold.
"But I'm comfortable. Don't make me!" she scrambles to grab the covers back, but I keep them away from her.
"Nope. Didn't you hear the word coffee." I throw myself next to her. "I have to get to work as well, so I'm going to jump in the shower." I purposely climb over the top of her, kissing her softly as I go despite morning breath.
"Well if there is coffee involved, then I suppose I could get up and join you." Waverly stretched out like a cat on the bed, twisting her back before getting out of bed and following me to the bathroom.
Closing the car door quickly behind me to start up the engine and get some heat in the car, Waverly locks up the house and runs over. We are running late as usual because Waverly couldn't decide what to wear, and couldn't leave the house without giving Calamity Jane one thousand kisses so she wouldn't forget her in the short period of time that we will be gone.
Waverly jumps out the squad car the second I pull in to the station car lot. I need to see if there is any mail before we grab coffee, and Waverly wants to make sure Wynonna was ok without her overnight. She knows that Wynonna needs her space, but Waverly seems to be hovering near her like a satellite just in case she needs her, but apparently Wynonna has taken her bike out on a drive. Good for her, she needs a distraction just now and a bike ride seems like a good idea to me. The mail has just been delivered for today, and the receptionist, bless her heart, has already put mine on my desk. Just the one piece today. I grab it and open the top drawer, pulling it out slowly to reveal the one thing I hate most in the world right now.
When Widow Mercedes was blasted by the split bullet, everything disappeared apart from her ring. Bulshar's ring. I had only seen paintings of what it could look like. No one's seen it in over a century, but the cult was always looking for it. I pick it up and slide it in to my pocket, closing the drawer behind me.
"Waves, I'll go on ahead to Shorty's with the car. I have to go on patrol soon. Get you guys over there?" I call in to the open office, careful not to open the door any further.
"Sure, we won't be long." I hear her angelic voice sing over the noise of Jeremy's radio. "Jeremy's coming too."
I climb back in to my squad car and turn my police scanner on out of habit. I don't start my shift for another hour, but this is Purgatory, and the closer it gets to midday, the more drunks there are out on the street trying to shake off their night before. When I shut my engine off in front of Shorty's after taking the long way round, Waverly and Jeremy are already sitting there. She smiles and waves at me, and I smile back at her, pulling out my mail from today.
Once it's open, my heart skips a beat; a grin spreads across my face. She finally signed them. I'd only been asking for a year. Shae and I have been good friends since we separated, but I wanted to move on and she didn't. Maybe she finally realized that I had moved on when she was in the hospital last week when I was bitten my Widow Mercedes. The divorce papers are finally signed, and the biggest mistake I've made since I left is finally behind me. Looking at Waverly now makes my heart swell. She is laughing and joking with Jeremy.
I pick up the other file I kept stashed in the car last night, the Bulshar file. I stare once more at the picture, trying again to see if they are in it, but I still can't make anyone out. The ring in my pocket feels heavy. I reach in and lift it out, setting it next to the open file, my eyes catching the signed divorce papers again.
If I do this, then it means that we could have a future together. I see Dolls finally appear with the coffee and look in my direction. I still have the file and the ring in my hand. His eyes stare, an unasked question spread across them. I feel my face harden slightly, and nod once. His nod back is barely there, but I can see the relief spread across his face. Somehow the relief spreads to me, and I close the file, place it on the seat next to me and sit the ring on top.
It's only a short walk over to Waverly who holds my coffee in her hand. I kiss her, finally happy that I can do it guilt free, and lift my coffee out of her hands. She smiles at me with that smile of hers that could melt anyone's heart. I think I'll give her today. She has had enough upheaval in the past seven months. I can hold on just a little more before I tell her just exactly where I come from, and what I have to do to build a future for the two of us.