I own Ellana, all else to Bioware and EA.
A/N:...
Super warning: This story features Depression and Thoughts of Suicide. There is a massive Trigger Warning on this and why it's rated M. As someone who is struggling with Depression, this was hard for me to write. And a lot of what Ellana says is whats going on in my head. So, yea.
The sound of knocking roused Cullen from his sleep. It was a light thing, a soft rapping of knuckles against wood. At first, he wasn't sure he heard it, but the light rapping again confirmed it for him. Throwing on a pair a breeches and a light tunic, he left his warm bed, went down the ladder, and towards the door. Opening the door, he finds the Inquisitor staring back at him. She leans against the stone archway of the door. Her fingers pull and pick at her outfit, subtly tugging the sleeves down further. The flickering of the torches inside cast shadows against her sun-kissed skin. Her tattoo twists around her face, like branches out of an ancient tree. Strange purple eyes stare deep into Cullen's hazel ones.
"Can I come in?" She asks hesitantly. She bites at her bottom lip and stands up straighter.
Nodding, Cullen steps to the side and ushers her in. He closes the door and leads her over to his desk. He takes several stacks of papers off the chair and sets them heavily down on the desk. "Sit, sit." He says as he takes the seat across from her. Their knees brush up against each other, sending little shivers of electricity down along Ellana's skin. "What do I owe the pleasure, Inquisitor?" Cullen asks, a hint of concern bubbling up in his tone.
Ellana drops her gaze, focusing on her fidgeting fingers. "I-I," She stops and sighs softly. "I just didn't want to be alone."
"May I ask why?" Cullen leans forward, resting his arms on the rests and interlacing his fingers together.
Ellana shrugs. She opens her mouth and closes it again. Her purple eyes close and she whispers, "There is something wrong in my head." She exhales a breath and begins to explain it to him. At first, it is measured and controlled, but soon the mask falls and it all comes out in a jumbled mess. "I have these thoughts, sometimes. Well, all the time, really. Like there is someone in the back of my head, who keeps telling me how worthless I am. How undesirable I am. How no one cares. How I am just a bother to everyone. How life would go on if I were to die."
She takes a shaky breath. She coughs to clear her throat from its tightness and wipes fruitlessly at her moist eyes. "And it really scares me, you know. It's like I'm in the battle all the time and I can't win. Like I try to hold on to me, but it just slips through my fingers like sand. Sometimes it's manageable. The voice is quiet and only whispers when I am not busy. But tonight, it was bad. I could feel it worm to life inside of me. I could feel everything it said with such intensity. I believed it all, every word. How I could have all of this on my mind and no one saw. Everyone thinks I have it together, like a ship in the tempest, standing strong against everything . Like a lighthouse, calling other ships to port and guiding them in the storm."
She looks up at Cullen, tears welling up in her eyes. She sniffs and her face contorts as an immense sadness washes over her. "But I'm not. I'm not, Cullen. I'm not strong. I'm weak. My ship crashed against the rocks a long time ago and I've been clinging to driftwood this whole time. And with each passing day, I can feel my grip weaken. And I know that one day, I'm going to slip beneath the waves." She presses shaky hand to her mouth to smother the moan that rises from her tight throat.
"And I'm scared. I'm so scared, that I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up, but it seems so tempting just to give in and silence this blasted voice for good." She shoulders shake as her emotions pours out of her. "I don't know what to do." She pitches forward and rests her head on her knees. "Oh, Maker, help me."
Moved by her emotion, Cullen reaches out and pulls Ellana against him. Her breath hitches and she hiccups. Her fingers dig into his tunic and her tear soaked face rests on his broad shoulders. With each pass of Cullen's hand on her back, she sobs harder, baring her soul to the Commander. Cullen says nothing and simply holds her tight in his arms.
After several minutes, Cullen pulls Ellana back. His hands slide from her back to cup her face. He hooks her long brown hair back behind her ears and his thumbs wipe away her fallen tears. "You are not weak." He stares into her eyes as he speaks. "You are not weak. You are strong. You are one of the strongest people I know. To deal with this in your head and continue to wear that beautiful smile; that makes you stronger than anyone.
"And that voice in your head is wrong. You are not a burden. You are not a mistake. You have people who care about you. You have people who love you. You have support in everyone here. Bull, Dorian, and Varric will cheer you up with their stories. Sera will make you laugh with her pranks. Solas will show you all the wonders of the Fade. Cole will root out your fears. Vivienne, Leliana, and Josephine will take you around the market, picking out shoes and Maker knows what else. Cassandra and Blackwall will train with you to keep your mind busy. And I will always have my door open for you. If you ever need to talk or just to vent, I'm here." Cullen presses his lips to her forehead.
Ellana sniffs again, calming down somewhat after Cullen's little speech. She places a hand over his and leans into his touch. "Thank you. I felt like I was screaming into the void; that no one would ever hear me." She looks down again. "You all are too good to me."
"No," Cullen says. He takes her chin and tilts her head up. "You're too good for us all." Ellana smiles slightly, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly.
Together they stay like this, throughout the night and early into the morning, talking, crying, wondering, fearing, and feeling. They are only discovered later when Leliana pokes her head in. She sees Ellana curled up on Cullen's lap, her head resting on his chest. Their chests rise and fall in an easy sleep. Smirking, Leliana closes the door quietly and directs all soldiers away from the office for the rest of the day.