(Chapter 1)

Sam Puckett is lying under a blanket on the living room couch. Her hair is a mess, her nose is all red, and there is crumpled tissue paper all over the couch and the floor. Sam is sick with the flu.

SAM: "Uuuuuunnnnnggghhhhh..."

CAT (smiling, carrying a steaming bowl in from the kitchen): "Sam? I made you a little chicken soup. I know it's not much, but maybe this will help you feel better."

SAM (carefully tasting a spoonful): "Uggh. What did you put in this?"

CAT: "Well, a little bit of parsley, a pinch of salt, a tablespoon of Buttersock, a..."

"PPPPFFFFFHHHTTTHH!" Sam spits out the soup.

CAT: (gasps) "Huh? What's wrong with it?"

SAM (looking a little angry, sarcastically): "... It needs more Buttersock."

(laugh track)

CAT: "Wow. This week, you've had an ingrown toenail, a debilitating love potion hangover, then two embarassing photos of you leaked on the internet (Sam smiles wryly), and now the flu. ... Sucks to be you."

SAM: "I know, I know." (Sam lies her head back down with a groan.) The TV suddenly turns on, and Sam, with a pained face, pulls the remote control from under her head.

On the television screen, a dark haired woman with a sword clad in brown leather is talking to some dark haired guy with a sword clad in brown leather.

TV: Xena: "Where are they?!"

Other Guy: "Yo no hablo Inglés."

SAM (sickly): "Unnnggghh... what's this?"

CAT: "Oh, that's Xena, The Warrior Princess. I don't like her. She doesn't look like any of the princesses that I know. Always fighting and screaming and breaking things like some cowboy. I mean, come on, what kind of a princess wears leather?!"

SAM: "Hold on. Fighting and screaming you say?"

CAT: "And breaking things."

Cat points the remote control towards the TV. Sam quickly puts her hand over Cat's hand.

SAM: "Well, now, wait a minute. Let's just see where this is going."

CAT: "Oh, I know where it's going, Sam. It's going to fill your head with all sorts of violent and aggressive ideas, probably fused with a mildly suggestive homoerotic subtext.

SAM: "Look at you getting all analytical."

CAT (gasps): "Language!"

TV: Xena knees the dark-haired Other Guy in the groin

Other Guy (in pain): "Oooh... Castor y Pollux."

CAT: (gasps) "That poor man."

SAM: "I'm sure he had it coming."

CAT: (gasps) "Language!"

Sam makes a curious face.

Cat points the remote control towards the TV and turns it off.

CAT: "Well it's too violent for my home and I don't want you watching this filth! You got it?"

Cat gets up and leaves the living room, taking the remote control with her.

When Cat leaves the scene, Sam just casually clears away a pile of crumpled tissue paper and picks up her PearBook Air from underneath the mess.

SAM: "Thankfully...we live in the future."

Sam turns on the television set from her PearBook Air laptop.

SAM (looking upwards): "Thanks, Zeus."

(laugh track)

Sam leans forward, entranced by the TV show.

TV: Xena, surrounded by thugs, cracks a smile, with determination in her eyes.

Sam leans in towards the edge of her seat, cracks a smile, her eyes widening. SAM: "Ooh man, she is one wazzed-off Mama."

TV: Xena starts kicking thugs in the face, flips guys to the ground, and then sets a wagon on fire with a torch as she runs by screaming "AyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiYI!"

SAM (point of view from the ceiling, Sam rises from the couch, with her warrior face on, her fists in the air): "AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIII!"

(laugh track)

(Clap clap, 'I'm never that far, no matter where you are...')