This story is the sequel to "Need" so please read that one first. :)
xxx
"Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you"
xxx
It has been one month, three weeks, and five days since it had happened.
Not that Olivia has been keeping count or anything.
Almost two months have passed since that humiliating, heartbreaking, and distinctly final night in the hallway outside of Amanda's apartment, after Olivia's confession of love and Amanda's subsequent rejection, and Olivia likes to tell herself that she is moving on just fine; that the ensuing days in between have passed in a busy, happy blur of work and friendships and spending cherished time with her son, and she doesn't know precisely what day and time it was when the blonde detective had ripped her heart right from her chest, seemingly without much thought or care at all. Or at least that is how Olivia chooses to remember it.
In her mind she sees Amanda as a cold and calculating woman with no regard whatsoever for Olivia's feelings; someone who only wanted to move on with her baby's father, to try to make a life with a man who has been gone much more than he has been here, someone who is a virtual stranger to Jesse, but she knows it is only in her mind and that the truth is actually quite different, whatever that truth may be. She had seen the look on Amanda's face, had watched the tears stream from her eyes, had felt the smaller woman's grip around her waist, hands in her hair and lips upon her own, but she will always be unsure of exactly what the small detective's feelings were at that precise moment; if Amanda had only been sad because she hadn't wanted to cause Olivia unnecessary hurt and pain, or if there had been a matching devastation there, if the younger woman had actually felt something much deeper but hadn't admitted to it.
These thoughts torment Olivia as she plods through the endless parade of monotony; the days and weeks and months passing by achingly slowly, both work and home irrevocably changed due to the shattering events of that one night, a crazy decision Olivia had chosen to make and now regrets more than anything she has ever done. Life at the precinct had been unbearable for the first little while; having to be confronted with the small blonde detective day after day, the knowledge and heartbreak of what had transpired amidst them weighing heavily on her mind and hanging in the air between them like a tangible object, and she had barely been able to look Amanda in the eye at first. Olivia is lieutenant for a reason, though, and she has been nothing but professional and mature in all of their dealings with one another at the station, not prolonging any contact more than it absolutely has to be, and she has slowly become used to the way things are now; their conversations short and clipped and to the point, no more passionate arguing or disagreements about cases, Amanda more obedient than she has ever been in all of her years with the Special Victims Unit, a curious quietness having overtaken the younger woman in the past several weeks.
Olivia has noticed the more ashen quality to the blonde detective's normally pale complexion, the purple smudges that have appeared beneath blue eyes cloudy with fatigue, and she has been curious and concerned, not sure if Amanda is still adjusting to Murphy being back in town and trying to make a family with a man who has been so deep undercover and playing the part of someone else in another life for such a long period of time, or if something else is going on. Her heart gives a quick leap when she wonders if Amanda's change in demeanor has something to do with what had occurred between the two of them; that they no longer have each other to lean on as a much-needed outlet from work and their personal lives, that Amanda actually misses her, but she doesn't ask, doesn't put a voice to her worries and questions, as this is not what they do. If Amanda is having some kind of problem that needs to be discussed, she will have to be the one to bring it up, will have to come to Olivia for help on her own, because for all intents and purposes Olivia is just done. They have not seen each other at all outside of the precinct, and only call or text when it is absolutely necessary, their interactions only having something to do with a case.
Part of trying to move on over these past torturous weeks has been doing what she thinks is best for her son and for herself, and instead of trying to continue forward with Tucker, like Amanda has been doing with Murphy; instead of trying to make a family with a man whom she knows loves Noah unconditionally and would make a wonderful father, she had cut him loose and set him free. Olivia had unexpectedly dumped Tucker the day after Amanda had broken her heart, realizing that this was not the right way to go about things; desperate to try to move on from her pain but aware of the fact that there was no use in forcing herself into something she knew was not real, that it wouldn't benefit Noah for his mother to be playing house with a man she didn't actually love. Although it had been difficult, yet another deeply emotional experience, back to back break-ups one right after the other, it was something that had needed to be done.
There is only one person she is supposed to be with, and if she can't be with her, then she will have to settle for being alone and ultimately content with raising her son on her own, as she has no choice to be anything but okay. Olivia is determined to keep pushing forward despite a devastation she has never known before, in spite of the intense desire to just let herself sink down into that deep, dark pit of despair and loneliness that continually calls to her; the heartbreak of Amanda's rejection shockingly surpassing anything else she has ever known before. It still surprises her that something that had started out as nothing more than sex, a way to blow off steam and forget about all the agony and torment that life has heaped upon them, something that was just supposed to be a means to an end and nothing more than a need fulfilled, has ended up this way.
xxx
After Olivia puts Noah to bed that night and settles onto the couch with a glass of red wine filled right to the brim, remote in hand to search for something that is actually watchable on TV, she can almost convince herself that everything is fine and life is just happily normal, and she is without a care or worry in the world. It is the weekend and she is not on call at the precinct, she gets to spend some much-needed time with her son over the next couple of days, and the weather promises to be nothing but beautiful for the duration of the weekend, despite it being the dead of winter. She is resolute in keeping any thoughts of a certain blonde detective from invading her brain as she searches determinedly through the channels for some mindless show or movie that she can lose herself in. The wine itself is beginning to do the intended job of wiping her brain clear of any lingering thoughts of Amanda, and Olivia starts to feel pleasantly buzzed as she flips through the stations, finally settling on a black and white rerun of "I Love Lucy", a show she had enjoyed several decades ago, a lighthearted comedy that had already been old, even in her youth.
She is curled up on the soft cushions underneath a fuzzy blue blanket and is hovering just at the edge of sleep, the voices of Lucy and Ricky on the screen fading into the background and becoming a low droning buzz in the distance, when a sudden knock at the door has her sitting bolt upright, hand swiping out to turn down the volume on the TV but knocking over the half-full glass of wine on the coffee table instead. The dark liquid splashes across several of Noah's drawings that he had completed earlier that evening, and Olivia curses loudly, knowing her son will be upset when he gets up in the morning and sees that his hard work has been completely ruined. She gets groggily to her feet and stumbles to the door, yawning and rubbing her eyes, overcome with confusion in her sleep-addled state and struggling to comprehend why someone is at her door without her having to buzz them in from downstairs first. It takes her a second to realize that whomever her mystery guest is had likely just waltzed right in after someone else who lives in the building and happened to be arriving at the same time.
Despite the fact that it could be important or maybe even an emergency, she is disgruntled and irritated at the interruption of her peaceful evening as she pads toward the door, her exhaustion seemingly causing her to move in slow-motion, the annoyance only ratcheting up another notch when the knocking becomes harder and more insistent.
"Just give me a half a second here, will you?" Olivia snaps out, unable to control the snarl in her tone as she swings the door open to reveal three figures huddled together in the hallway; a woman, a baby, and a dog.
She stares at the small group in disbelief for a moment, trying to clear the haze of sleep and alcohol from her muddled brain, bleary dark eyes taking in the motley crew in front of her with bewilderment and concern. Amanda is standing there on slightly trembling legs, looking rumpled and disheveled, like she had left her home in a hurry, long hair in windblown disarray, winter jacket hanging open and haphazardly thrown on over a wrinkled pair of jeans and a plaid shirt that isn't buttoned correctly. One arm is weighed down with precariously balanced baby items, and the baby herself, little Jesse, is perched in the other arm, head resting heavily on Amanda's shoulder, rubbing at her eyes and looking as sleepy as Olivia herself is. When the small child sees her framed there in the doorway, she raises her blonde head and fixes Olivia with a giant grin, the expression on her face in direct contrast to the one on her mother's, Amanda's delicate features frozen into a deep scowl. Frannie is dancing around their legs excitedly, an anxious yip escaping from her mouth, and Amanda quickly shushes her before abruptly handing Olivia whatever she is holding in her left hand, not uttering a single word while doing so.
Olivia takes the baby stuff into her arms while uttering a surprised grunt, knees buckling slightly under the weight, and wondering how Amanda had made it all the way up here with everything, opening her mouth to chastise the younger woman for not buzzing her down to the lobby to help out, but then thinking better of it when she watches the scowl fade away to be replaced by a look of sad depletion. She frowns at her colleague, wondering what is going on, and they lock eyes with one another, Amanda apparently mistaking her confusion and worry for possible rejection and anger.
"We had nowhere else to go," she says defensively. "It's not working out, okay?"
"Okay..." Olivia trails off, backing up to let everyone into the apartment. "Would you care to elaborate on that?"
"Nope," Amanda answers simply, and Olivia resists the urge to roll her eyes.
"So we've gone from not seeing or speaking to each other outside of work for almost two months now, to you showing up unexpectedly at my door at midnight?" she asks, one eyebrow arched in question. "And I don't deserve an explanation?"
"We can leave if we're not welcome," the younger woman mutters, her actions proving to be the complete opposite of her words as she troops inside, placing Jesse on the floor to toddle around on unsteady feet, Frannie leaping up onto the couch and flopping comfortably across the cushions, apparently choosing to make herself right at home, as if she belongs there.
Olivia observes the dog for a moment, thinking perhaps Frannie knows something that they don't, before her gaze swings back to Amanda, again taking in that look of sadness in her eyes, the purple circles ringing the blue, the mussed blonde hair and sloppy clothing, Amanda appearing nothing like the professional, put-together detective that she is at the precinct, hair and clothing and makeup normally flawless. There is a faint trace of mascara trailing down one cheek, and Olivia's heart clenches at the thought of Amanda crying, yet another thing that is so out of character for her subordinate.
"Of course you're welcome," Olivia assures her softly. "You're always welcome."
There is silence between them for a moment as their gazes meet again, and the corner of Amanda's lip turns up at the side. "Thank you, Liv," she whispers.
Olivia smiles back at the other woman, her heart giving a quick leap inside her chest, and she is aware of the nervousness creeping through her brain now; at the way her limbs are suddenly shaking, and she busies herself with setting all of the baby things down in the corner, something to distract from the way her body is betraying her and reacting to Amanda's presence in her home. Despite the younger woman's somewhat unkempt appearance, Olivia still thinks she looks stunningly beautiful, and fights to keep from staring, a mix of emotions curling together within, the anticipation of Amanda spending the night leaving her dizzy and flustered. She is both excited and worried about why the love of her life is unexpectedly standing here in her apartment after all this time, but the worry edges out the excitement as it is obvious that something is very wrong with this picture, and it looks for all the world like Amanda and her family had been forced to flee their home late at night, for unknown reasons.
Her reverie is broken by a sudden shriek of delight from the youngest member of the group, and her eyes immediately zero in on the mischief that the little one is currently getting into. Jesse has tottered over to the coffee table on her chubby little legs and is gleefully flinging magazines into the air and onto the floor, laughing uproariously at her own actions, like this is the funniest thing ever. When a tiny hand starts to reach for the spilled glass of wine, Amanda and Olivia both lunge for her at the same time, Amanda swinging her daughter up into her arms, chastising her gently while apologizing to Olivia for the mess.
"It's okay," she chuckles, reaching over to tickle Jesse's stomach lightly, eliciting another squeal of laughter from the little girl, and Amanda fixes her with an annoyed expression, lips pursing into a firm line and one eyebrow slightly raised.
"I'm trying to get her calmed down for the night, Liv," the younger woman says flatly, the bad mood she had walked in with only seeming to intensify. "And she's going to wake up Noah."
"It's fine," Olivia replies with a breezy wave of her hand, very aware that something is going on with Amanda and wanting to diffuse the situation before it explodes because of something as minor as a giggling child. "Noah wouldn't wake up if a bomb went off in here. He's a very heavy sleeper. Come on, we can get Jesse set up in his room for the night and then we can talk."
"I don't want to talk," Amanda replies firmly, and Olivia stifles a sigh of resentment and impatience as they make their way back to her son's bedroom, voices lowering to whispers while they unfold the playpen Amanda had brought with her and tuck Jesse in, Frannie trailing eagerly behind them, the dog apparently under the impression that she will missing out on all the fun if she remains alone in the living room. Noah is curled up into a tight little ball under the covers of his small bed, dark head buried in his pillow and snoring softly, not stirring whatsoever as they all gather in his room.
"Well, what do you want, then?" Olivia hisses as she watches the younger woman tuck a blanket around her daughter's wiggling form, Jesse apparently deciding that she is not quite ready for bed yet, and her heart melts as Amanda runs a comforting hand over the little girl's fine blonde hair, soothing her daughter into slumber.
"I want a drink," Amanda answers without hesitation, her voice cracking slightly, and Olivia nods slowly, dark eyes fixed intently on the blonde detective, and she has to stop herself from reaching out to place a hand on the other woman's shoulder, choosing to keep her distance, Amanda seeming to radiate 'don't touch me' vibes.
"Well, no problem there," Olivia says in a neutral tone. "You can help me finish off the bottle I was working on before you got here."
Amanda looks back at her, their eyes meeting over Jesse's now calm body, a hint of a smile playing on the smaller woman's lips now. "Sounds like a plan, Liv. Although I hope you have more than just the one bottle," she adds with a smirk.
xxx
They spend the next little while slumped side by side on the couch with Frannie sprawled out across the floor by their feet, polishing off one bottle of wine and starting another, the TV playing at a low volume in the background, making small talk and not delving into any deeper topics of conversation. The clock has ticked over from Friday night to Saturday morning, and Olivia's eyelids are drooping heavily with exhaustion, wanting nothing more than to just crawl into bed and sleep for several hours straight, but she doesn't move, remaining right where she is next to the smaller woman. Amanda's body language is still indicating that something is very wrong, but the blonde detective has been loosening up with each glass of wine consumed, and Olivia begins to feel quite drunk herself as they finish the second bottle.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" she finally asks, voice slurring somewhat as she speaks, and instead of answering, Amanda just leans forward with her elbows planted on her knees, wearily covering her face with hands.
There is an ache in Olivia's chest as she observes the other woman's actions, the dejection and unhappiness rolling off of Amanda in waves, and she shifts closer to her on the cushions, laying a tentative hand against her colleague's back, hesitant to touch the blonde detective if that is not what she wants, but unable to stop herself from trying to provide some sort of comfort. This is not their usual brand of comfort; they do not console each other with tender caresses and gentle words, choosing instead to just rip the clothing from one another's bodies and find the nearest piece of furniture to fling themselves down upon, roving hands and tongues doing the job to obliterate the pain. This has never been the way they do things, this particular kind of comfort completely foreign to them both, but everything is different now; their past relationship, if that's what it could be called, entirely shattered and leaving them wading confusedly through the wreckage. Olivia can feel the flutter of the smaller woman's heart beneath her palm and she begins to move her hand in slow circles around the material of the pink plaid shirt, tracing light designs with her fingertips.
"Talk to me," she whispers, a faint note of pleading in her tone, unable to stand seeing the woman she loves in this condition, her behavior in complete opposition to the way she usually acts, the sassy confidence one of Amanda's many irritating qualities that had rubbed Olivia the wrong way when the blonde detective had first transferred to New York, but that she has since come to reply on and actually enjoy. The other woman keeps her on her toes and challenges her repeatedly at the precinct, forcing her to look at each case in a way she wouldn't have on her own, to see things from a different point of view, and sometimes Olivia is surprised when she realizes that it has been less than five and a half years since Amanda had joined their squad, as it seems like she has been with them forever.
She is overcome with shock when Amanda suddenly turns toward her and buries herself into her chest, Olivia's arms instantly closing protectively around the smaller woman's trembling form and leaning them both back to rest against the soft couch cushions. "Are you alright?" she murmurs, lips pressed to the detective's silky blonde hair, feeling Amanda's arms tighten around her waist.
She tightens her own grip in response, that frustration blooming through her again when her colleague doesn't answer. "It's obvious that you're not okay," she continues, voice becoming more stern now. "Why won't you tell me what's going on?"
"Because I can handle it on my own," the younger woman replies, voice muffled against Olivia's chest, and so low that she has to strain to hear it. There is a prolonged pause before she speaks again. "And because I don't deserve your help after what I put you through."
Olivia sighs quietly, the emotions coursing through her becoming stronger instead of being tamped down by the excessive alcohol consumption, which had not been her intention at all; the intense feelings piercing stubbornly through the fuzziness that has taken up residence in her brain. "I don't think you would be here right now if you could handle it on your own," she says as gently as she can. "And as for what you put me through..." Olivia trails off briefly, swallowing back a sudden swell of tears. "Well, let's not go there right now, okay? You can't force yourself to feel something that you don't, so there's not much point in getting into it, is there?"
She feels Amanda stiffen briefly against her body before pulling away, and Olivia is immediately aware of the loss, reaching over to pull the smaller woman back into her embrace, but the blonde detective scoots farther away from her on the couch. "I'm really sorry, Liv," she says sincerely, hazy blue eyes focused upon her now and boring into her own with a surprising vehemence, considering the amount of booze she has imbibed in.
Olivia shrugs slightly, feeling a blush creeping across her cheeks at the other woman's very intent stare, a matching flush staining Amanda's own face now, likely due to a combination of alcohol and emotion. "It's okay," she mutters, shrugging again, suddenly feeling put on the spot and unprepared for the very conversation she has been hoping to have since that terrible night.
"No, it's not okay," Amanda replies fiercely. "It's not okay at all."
Olivia raises her eyebrows in wonder at the smaller woman's tone, extending a somewhat hesitant hand to place on the blonde detective's knee. "Look, Amanda, maybe this isn't the best time to talk about this. There is obviously something else going on here that needs to take precedence right now, so we should probably deal with that first."
"No," Amanda replies flatly, rejecting Olivia's touch once again and standing up on alarmingly shaky legs. "I'm going to bed." She gives a flippant wave of her hand as she walks away, the discussion over before it has even really begun, apparently deciding that she will be spending the night in Olivia's room instead of right there on the couch, and she scrambles to her feet to follow the younger woman down the hallway.
"Amanda, wait- " Olivia presses a hand to her mouth as is overcome with a sudden wave of nausea and the walls whirl dizzily in her peripheral vision, cursing herself for drinking so much.
She quickly ducks into Noah's room to check on everyone before confronting Amanda, and her heart melts when she sees that her son had gotten out of his bed and set up a little nest for himself on the floor right next to Jesse's playpen. Frannie had wandered in there at some point over the past while, and is curled up right beside Noah, the little boy's hand clutching onto the dog's fur, all three of them sound asleep. Olivia watches them for a moment, swallowing hard against a tidal wave of emotion when her thoughts start to wander, straying into territory that she refuses to let them go, and she quickly backs away and continues on into her own bedroom. When she reaches her room, she notices that Amanda has already sprawled face-first in an ungraceful manner across the length of her bed, arms and legs flung out to the sides, long blonde hair tumbling down her back.
"Okay, I'm just going to change into my pajamas and then I'll spend the night on the couch," she says with a sigh, about to turn away to begin digging through her dresser for some nightwear, deciding to find something for Amanda to wear as well so she doesn't have to sleep in her jeans, when the smaller woman sits up on the bed and squints blearily at her in the dim lighting.
"No, Liv, stay here," she protests, motioning with a trembling arm for Olivia to join her on the bed, before flopping onto her stomach again and curling up into the fetal position on the mattress. "Please don't leave me alone."
Olivia is surprised by this request, her heart aching at the younger woman's obvious vulnerability, a side of herself that Amanda usually keeps hidden around her, and walks over to the bed to lay a warm hand on the detective's back. "Okay, I'll stay in here with you," she assures her gently, grasping onto her colleague's arms and turning her over on the mattress so they are looking at each other again. "But let's get changed first, alright? You don't want to sleep in your jeans, do you?"
"I want to sleep naked," Amanda slurs in response, eyebrows waggling up and down suggestively, and Olivia snickers in spite of herself, heart rate picking up speed at the thought of being wrapped skin to skin around the smaller woman's body, but she pushes down any feelings of arousal that are blooming beneath the surface, aware that this is not the time to be engaging in any kind of sexual activity, as neither one of them are in their right minds at the moment, and Amanda is clearly upset about something. Whatever it is seems to have been buried beneath a layer of booze, though, and Olivia doesn't think she will receive any kind of explanation until the morning, if at all.
"No sleeping naked tonight," Olivia replies lightly, trying to ignore the way Amanda is looking at her, that seductive gleam in her eye now, and she clears her throat loudly, determined to keep things entirely platonic between them. "Alright, here, put these on," she says briskly, tossing the other woman a pair of flannel pajamas she had dug out of her dresser drawers, and rolling her eyes as Amanda makes no move to grab them, continuing to lay there splayed out across the bed in an undignified heap of inebriation.
"I don't want to wear those," the blonde detective pouts, lower lip protruding like an indignant toddler being punished for misbehaving, and crossing her arms over her chest in an incensed fashion.
"Well, what do you want to wear, then?" Olivia asks with a sigh, beginning to lose her patience now, as she wants nothing more than to just crawl under the covers and be sucked down into that sweet oblivion of unconsciousness for the rest of the night.
"I already told you that I don't want to wear anything," Amanda grumbles. "It's too warm in here. Alcohol makes me hot. Very hot," she adds, tongue poking out of her mouth to lick slowly around her lips before smirking slightly at Olivia.
"And I already told you that you're not sleeping naked tonight, especially if we're sharing a bed," she replies firmly, trying to ignore that ever-increasing arousal that is begging to make itself known. "You can at least wear a T-shirt."
"Ugh, fine," Amanda concedes with a dramatic sigh of her own. "But you're going to have to help me out here, Liv. I don't think I can even manage the buttons on my shirt at this point. Damn, I drank a lot tonight."
"Yes, you did," Olivia murmurs in agreement, crawling onto the bed beside her. "And so did I." She gazes down at the younger woman, Amanda's hair spread out in a golden halo around her head, the smaller woman somehow managing to look angelic even while in her current state of inebriation and teasing, exuding a lustful desire that is hard to ignore. Olivia is determined to do just that, though, and her voice is stern again when she continues speaking. "I'll help you get changed as long as you promise to behave yourself, alright?"
"Alright," Amanda agrees, tone dead serious now as she places her fingers over her chest, motioning with them against the material of her shirt. "I promise, Liv. Cross my heart and hope to die."
Olivia rolls her eyes again, biting down on the inside of her cheek to stop the sudden smile that is threatening to break loose and spread across her face, the blonde detective looking ridiculously adorable in her earnest and drunken state, and she realizes, not for the first time, how much she has missed her colleague over the past while, even though they don't usually share moments like this together.
True to her word, Amanda does indeed behave, laying there passively on the mattress as Olivia fumbles with the buttons on the younger woman's shirt, thinking it might just be better at this point if they both go to sleep in their clothes, as her own clumsiness is likely about as bad as Amanda's. It takes her so long to undo the buttons with her inept movements that the younger woman is starting to drift off to sleep when Olivia lets the plaid shirt fall open, surprised to see that Amanda is not wearing a bra. The arousal that has been simmering steadily below the surface only heightens as she takes in the creamy expanse of skin before her, struggling to pull the shirt out from underneath Amanda's prone body, the smaller woman absolutely no help at all, yanking on it with a grunt and tossing it to the floor before grasping onto the zipper of her jeans.
Something dark catches Olivia's eye, and she halts in her drunk, clumsy movements, frowning as her gaze comes to rest on a small purple bruise just beneath Amanda's right breast. It looks to be roughly the size of a thumbprint and stands out starkly against the pale skin, and when her eyes trail lower, she sees a few more tiny bruises dotting the other woman's torso, including what appears to be hand prints on her colleague's slim hips, like someone had grabbed her hard. There is an uneasy feeling coursing through her system now as she grips onto the sides of Amanda's jeans and begins to tug them down, Olivia's frown becoming deeper when she notices that Amanda isn't wearing underwear either.
She is beginning to get a better picture of the evening's events in her mind now, struggling to put the pieces together through the haze of alcohol and tiredness, and it is looking like the younger woman had possibly been asleep and was then forced to make a quick exit from her home with Jesse and Frannie in tow, unable to even dress properly before fleeing into the night and seeking shelter at Olivia's place. She is becoming more suspicious and concerned as she continues removing Amanda's pants, and her heart seems to completely cease beating when she spots the dark bruise on her colleague's pubic bone.
"Amanda," she says urgently, crawling back up the bed so she is leaning over the smaller woman's silent form, her hands braced against the mattress on either side of Amanda's head, dark hair hanging down into the blonde detective's face.
"Hmm? What?" Amanda murmurs, cracking an eye open to gaze up at her. "Hey, I thought you said I wasn't allowed to sleep naked, Liv. I appear to be naked, though," she adds, craning her neck to look down at herself. "Did you change your mind?"
"I was helping you get dressed for bed, remember?" Olivia replies, smoothing the rumpled hair back from Amanda's forehead and trying to catch her eye again. "Look, I know you've had a lot to drink and you're really tired, but I need you to listen to me right now because this is very important." She waits until Amanda has locked gazes with her again before she continues speaking. "What's going on here? Are you and Jesse not safe at home? Is Murphy hurting you? Is that why you came here tonight?"
"That's a lot of questions," Amanda mumbles in response, turning her head away, and Olivia grasps onto her chin firmly, guiding the other woman's head back around so she can maintain eye contact with her, but instead of answering, Amanda reaches up to grasp lightly onto Olivia's hair that is still hanging down over her face. "You're so pretty, Liv," she sighs, fingers tangling into the thick tresses and pulling Olivia's face down to her own so that their lips meet in a kiss.
"Hey, hey, stop that," Olivia chastises gently, backing away slightly and removing the smaller woman's hands from her hair. "We're not doing this right now."
"But I want to," Amanda whines. "I need to feel better. This is what we do, Liv."
"Not anymore, remember?" Olivia reminds her softly, stroking a tender hand over the younger woman's cheekbone as that ache inside her chest spreads out to encompass her entire being, quite afraid for Amanda and her daughter, and she wants nothing more than to bring her colleague some comfort, the kind of care they should have been providing for each other all along, instead of the way they had chosen to comfort one another . "Can you talk to me, please? Can you answer my questions?"
"Jesse is okay, I promise," Amanda whispers, and her eyelids flutter closed with fatigue. "I would never let anyone hurt her."
"What about you?" Olivia prods intently, fingertips tracing across the smaller woman's puckered forehead, smoothing against the lines of stress that she finds there. "Are you okay?"
"I will be," Amanda replies, voice somewhat more firm now, and Olivia takes this to mean that the discussion is over, but she is not backing down so easily.
"We need to talk," she says sternly, and is overwhelmed by an intense wave of protectiveness as she looks down at her colleague, the woman she loves huddled up stark naked on her bed, wasted and exhausted and vulnerable, small body peppered with ugly wounds. "These bruises didn't just appear by themselves. Someone put them there. Was it Murphy?"
"Liv, I need to go to sleep," Amanda states, without opening her eyes. "I'm too tired to talk about this right now. I'll probably drift off in mid-sentence anyway."
Olivia huffs out a sigh, realizing that the younger woman is right; that she is in no condition to have a possibly intense, prolonged conversation at this point, and that it will have to wait until the morning, no matter how important the matter is. She reminds herself that all three of them, Amanda, Jesse, and Frannie, are safe and sound here in her home with she and Noah, and that no one else will ever be getting in there to harm them; that they have Olivia to look after and protect them now.
Olivia leans forward to place a light kiss on Amanda's cheek, the other woman's lip quirking up at the side in response, before pulling the detective's jeans the rest of the way off, the pants having pooled at her ankles and causing her small feet to tangle together. She remembers that Amanda had complained about being too hot from the alcohol, so she retrieves an oversize T-shirt from her dresser, gritting her teeth together when she turns back toward the bed and gets another look at the younger woman. Amanda's eyes are still closed, her breathing evening out, but one of her legs is now bent at the knee and cocked to the side, and Olivia can see another dark bruise high up on her inner thigh.
She rubs a weary hand over her face, heart pounding in a sickening rhythm inside her chest, and there is a gnawing sensation in the pit of her stomach now. Instead of asking anymore questions and trying to make conversation again when she knows that Amanda is incapable of answering, Olivia very carefully maneuvers the large shirt over the smaller woman's head, gently guiding her arms through the sleeves, before wrapping her own arms around the prone form and dragging Amanda up the mattress to lay her down softly against the pillows, tucking the blankets around her so that she can rest properly throughout the remainder of the night.
Once Olivia has changed into her own pajamas, she climbs under the covers next to the blonde detective and doesn't even hesitate before pulling the other woman into her embrace, careful not to aggravate any of her injuries. Amanda immediately snuggles into her as if they have always done this, like it is not a strange and new sensation for them both, and the smaller woman's hands are clinging onto the back of Olivia's pajama shirt with a surprisingly strong grip, like she is afraid Olivia might abandon her there and return to living room to sleep on the couch.
"It's okay, sweetheart, I've got you, you're safe. Just go to sleep now," Olivia whispers in her ear. "We'll talk about everything when you wake up."
"You called me sweetheart," Amanda observes groggily. "And we're cuddling." There is a pause so long that Olivia thinks the other woman has fallen back to sleep, but she suddenly speaks again. "This isn't the way we do things, Liv."
"Well, we're doing things differently tonight," she responds softly, blinking back tears as she feels overcome with emotion again; so glad that Amanda is safe here in her arms, but the thought of the woman she loves being hurt in any way causing an actual physical pain in her heart. "But I won't call you sweetheart, if you don't want me to," she adds.
"No, I want you to," Amanda murmurs, her rambling words indicating just how much alcohol she has consumed that night. "It's just a little weird because you've never called me that before...but I want to be your sweetheart."
"Okay," Olivia whispers, her throat almost too tight to speak, and she presses a kiss against the crown of the smaller woman's head, Amanda's face buried against her chest as they lay tangled up in each other's limbs underneath the covers. "You can be my sweetheart."
"Good," Amanda replies quietly, and Olivia can hear the smile in her voice as she speaks. "And I'm sorry for lying to you, Liv."
"What are you talking about?" she asks with a frown. "Lying about what?"
Amanda's voice is so slurred and soft now that Olivia can barely hear her when she responds. "About my feelings for you."
She feels like her heart has stopped once more, and leans down to press her ear against the other woman's lips so she can hear her more clearly when she speaks again. "I should have just told you that I loved you back."
There is a heavy sigh, the blonde detective's next words dragging out on the edge of slumber, apparently a drunken and exhausted confession."I've always loved you, Olivia. I loved you before we met, even before I moved to New York."
Olivia is stuck mute for a moment, entirely stunned by the other woman's words, and she doesn't move a muscle, trying to take in what Amanda has just told her, desperate to grasp onto this shocking revelation, the detective more open with her feelings than she has ever been before, and she jostles Amanda lightly in her arms, craning her neck to see if she is still awake. The movement is met with a light snore from her colleague, and Olivia blows out a breath she didn't know she had been holding, settling back down against the pillows and holding Amanda tightly against her body, determined that things will be different between them in the morning; that they will be honest with each other about their feelings and that they will get this issue with Murphy sorted out and rectified. She will be damned if anyone ever lays a hand on the woman she loves again, and is willing to protect her at all costs.
There are so many thoughts and emotions coursing through Olivia's system now, mixing in unpleasantly with the large amount of alcohol she has consumed, her stomach roiling viciously, and she is certain that she will not be able to wind down for the night; that she will lay awake staring at the ceiling for the few remaining hours until the sun comes up, but she is sucked down into the soothing dark depths of sleep almost immediately.
xxx
When she awakens again, it is to a weak light filtering in through the curtains and a soft whimpering coming from under the covers beside her, and for a brief moment Olivia thinks that Noah has crawled into bed with her because of a nightmare, and she reaches out blindly to comfort him before remembering the events of the night. Her eyes fly open in alarm to see Amanda huddled at the edge of the bed, turned away from her and shivering violently, her small body swimming in the too-large T-shirt.
"Hey, it's okay, sweetheart, its okay," she soothes, swallowing down an intense wave of nausea as she scrambles over to the other side of the bed and pulls Amanda back into her embrace, spooning her from behind and tucking the covers up around them once again.
"Don't hurt me," the blonde detective pleads, scrabbling frantically at Olivia's hands, which are banded tightly around her middle. "Please stop!"
"No one is hurting you, Amanda," Olivia assures her softly, her heart breaking as she listens to the other woman's tortured cries, and she caresses a hand through the unruly long hair in front of her. "You're at my apartment, in my bed, remember? Jesse and Frannie are right in the next room with Noah. Everyone is safe and sound, I promise."
Amanda continues to struggle in her arms for a moment, kicking out with her legs and trying to pry Olivia's fingers from around her stomach, when she suddenly settles right back down again, sagging against Olivia's body in depletion, a whoosh of air escaping from her lungs. "Yeah, I know," she finally murmurs, and Olivia can feel her take a shuddering breath, the smaller woman still shaking in her arms, and she gathers the detective impossibly closer to her, Amanda's pain seeming to transfer itself into her own body as she finds herself overcome with agony and rage on her colleague's behalf, at the thought of anyone harming her physically or otherwise. "Sorry, Liv, I was just having a bad dream."
"Don't be sorry," Olivia whispers, resting her chin on the smaller woman's shoulder, her lips right next to Amanda's ear. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I think someone else does, though." She pauses briefly before continuing on, plunging right into what needs to be said despite how exhausted they both are, the remnants of the alcohol clinging stubbornly onto them and causing the nausea to become even more pronounced. "How long has Murphy been hurting you, sweetheart?"
"He didn't mean to," Amanda replies immediately, and Olivia's stomach muscles clench tightly at this unanticipated response, opening her mouth to answer, but the other woman cuts her off. "I'm being serious, Liv. He really didn't. I know what this sounds like, and I wouldn't be protecting him if he was doing this on purpose."
"What? I don't understand," Olivia replies in confusion. "He doesn't know that he's hurting you?"
The blonde detective clears her throat. "There's something wrong with him, Liv," she says softly. "He hasn't been the same since he got back from his undercover work. His physical injuries have healed just fine, but there are others...mental injuries, if you want to call them that. He has these night terrors, where the dreams are so real to him, he believes they are actually happening. He thinks someone is hurting him so he's defending himself." She hears the break in Amanda's voice and strokes a soft hand up and down her arm. "I don't know everything that happened to him because he doesn't like to talk about it, but it's obviously more than what he's told me. He's traumatized."
"I'm so sorry to hear that," Olivia says sincerely, but her main concern is still for Amanda and Jesse, and she doesn't try to hide it. "Has he been hurting you since he got back?"
"No," Amanda responds quickly. "This just started in the last couple of days...the physical stuff. Before that, he was waking up screaming and would sometimes carry on these bizarre conversations in his sleep, but it never went beyond that. I could always talk him down from the bad dreams and soothe him back to sleep. I wanted to help him, Olivia. I've been through this kind of stuff myself...after Patton...and I could see a part myself in Declan; I had empathy for what he was going through, and we have a connection because of Jesse. But I started to realize that I couldn't do it alone, that his issues were much worse than I had originally thought, and I urged him seek professional help; I mean more than just the mandatory counseling sessions he has to attend right now, because they don't seem to work for him. I honestly think he just sits here and says nothing for the entire hour. I don't know what else to do."
"You don't have to do anything else," Olivia replies gently, that protective instinct kicking in once again. "I'll find a way to get him the help that he needs, okay? We're not going to leave him to suffer alone after what he's been through, but it is obvious that you and Jesse aren't safe with him, even if he doesn't have control over his actions and is not doing them willingly. You need to take a step back from the situation and let someone else help him now. You don't want him to escalate to the point that he hurts Jesse."
"He loves his daughter," Amanda answers in a hushed tone, and when Olivia peers over the smaller woman's shoulder to get a look at her face, she can see that the detective's eyes are bright with unshed tears. "Of that I have no doubt. He's so good with her and she loves him back. They've bonded so much in such a short period of time, but I couldn't risk it. I couldn't take the chance that he would do something during a nightmare, something that he had no control over."
"You made the right decision," Olivia assures her softly. "We'll get him the help that he needs, sweetheart. I realize that you may have some guilt for taking Jesse away from her father, but they can still have a relationship with each other. Living together is definitely not a good idea right now, though."
"I woke up to him pinning me to the bed last night," Amanda says abruptly. "That's why I left. He was having a nightmare and holding me down, thinking I was someone else. It reminded me of Patton, how he wouldn't let me back up, and just for a split second I thought..." She trails off and sucks in a deep breath. "I know Declan would never do anything like that, but it scared me, Liv. Between that and being terrified that he would unknowingly hurt Jesse, I couldn't stay there anymore."
Olivia sits up in the bed and does something she has never done before, as she and Amanda have never shared an emotionally intimate relationship in the past. She pulls the other woman into a sitting position beside her and then hooks one arm beneath her knees and wraps the other around her back, lifting the blonde detective into her lap and rocking her back and forth like a baby, lowering her face to press her cheek against Amanda's. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, sweetheart," she whispers emphatically, tears pooling in her eyes as Amanda begins to sob in her embrace.
They hold each onto each other for several minutes, hands clutching tightly onto pajamas and faces buried into shoulders, soaking the other's skin with their tears, until finally they quiet down and are completely silent. There is no noise whatsoever from the next bedroom, neither of the kids or the dog stirring just yet, and Olivia savors this moment between them, holding onto Amanda like she never wants to let go, and the thought of being separated from her again, at having to watch Amanda walk out her door is utterly agonizing to her, and she pulls back slightly to meet the smaller woman's tear-stained gaze with her own.
They stare at each other in silence for a long moment, seemingly getting lost in one another's eyes, before Amanda makes the first move and leans forward to press her lips gently against Olivia's. She responds instantly, her heart swelling with love for the small detective, and they kiss slowly and tenderly, Olivia's hands winding into the other woman's long hair, fingers slipping through the silky blonde strands. When the lack of air starts becoming an issue, they rest their forehead against one another, breathing into each other's mouths, tears still streaking both of their faces.
"Liv, I'm so sorry," Amanda whispers heatedly, leaning away to grip onto the sides of Olivia's face, watery blue eyes boring into her damp brown ones. "I'm so sorry that I pushed you away. I was just scared."
"Why, sweetheart?" Olivia asks softly, mirroring Amanda's position as her own hands grasp lightly onto the sides of the smaller woman's face in return. "Why were you scared?"
"Because I've loved you since before we met," the blonde detective says, repeating what she had said in her drunken haze during the night. "You were the first and only woman I will ever love. When I was following along with your career from Atlanta, I fell in love with you. You were this amazing, compassionate, kind, gorgoeus woman that I admired from afar, and those feelings only intensified when I got here, when I saw you in person and got to know you...even though you didn't like me," she adds with a chuckle, lip turning up at the corner, and Olivia chuckles with her, in disbelief that there had actually been a time where she hadn't been head over heels in love with Amanda Rollins, as it seems utterly impossible to comprehend now.
"But I could tell right from the start that you didn't feel the same way, and that you likely never would," the smaller woman continues in a quiet voice, Olivia frowning and stroking a hand over her cheekbone. "I was thrilled when you became interested in me in a sexual way, but even then, I knew that it was only sex for you and nothing else, so I pretended it was the same for me, that I didn't want more, that I didn't care so much. I learned to be content with the parts of you that you chose to share with me, even if I could never have everything. I knew you had been so hurt by the things that had happened to you, and it was the same for me, and I tried to convince myself that it was better this way; that it was easier if we weren't emotionally involved as well because maybe it just would have been too much, two such damaged people trying to forge a relationship with each other."
Olivia feels the tears welling up in her eyes again and blinks rapidly to keep them at bay, the flood of emotions threatening to drown her in their intensity, but she urges the younger woman to keep talking.
"When you showed up at my place that night, I knew immediately why you were there, and it scared the shit out of me, Olivia," Amanda admits softly. "It terrified me instead of making me happy; that you finally felt for me what I had been feeling for you for all of these years, and the only thing I could think to do was to try to talk you out of it, to pretend that I didn't still feel the same way, because I felt like I had to protect myself from a broken heart, that eventually you would fall out of love with me and things would revert back to the way they've always been, but I wouldn't fall out of love with you. I was afraid of getting a taste of the life I had wanted for so long, and then having it taken away from me. I thought the only choice I had was to try to move on with someone else, and who better than the father of my child?" She pauses for a moment, their eyes locked intently onto one another. "I'll always love you, Olivia Benson."
The damn breaks and the tears are rolling down her cheeks again, unable to be contained now, and Olivia pulls Amanda swiftly against her, their lips meeting in a fierce kiss, the gesture escalating quickly to a passion that promises not to be diffused anytime soon, and they pull away reluctantly as a cry sounds from the next room, followed by a bark.
"That's Jesse," Amanda says softly, swinging her legs over the side of the mattress and making a move to get up, but Olivia quickly grabs her arm and turns her back around, hands clutching tightly onto her shoulders and squeezing urgently.
"I love you too," she says, voice so choked with emotion, she can barely speak. "And I'll always love you, Amanda Rollins."
They sit there for a moment, staring tenderly at one another, smiles spreading across both of their faces as it fully begins to sink in that their timing has not been off after all; that they have finally connected with each other in the way they had always been meant to. Noah's high-pitched voice suddenly pierces the air, calling for Olivia, and Amanda reaches over to grip her hand, lacing their fingers together.
"Come on, Liv, let's go get our kids."
xxx
Later on that morning, Olivia is relaxing in bed, feet crossed comfortably in front of her, cup of coffee in one hand and the newspaper in the other, content in a way she has never been before. It is quite crowded in here and the noise level has reached a deafening peak, but she wouldn't have it any other way.
Amanda is beside her on the mattress, tickling Jesse's stomach repeatedly and causing the little girl to burst into delighted shrieks, Noah is pelting everyone with pillows and Olivia has to warn him to calm down before the mug of piping hot liquid is knocked out of her hand to splatter across the sheets, and Frannie is bouncing from the bed to the floor, barking in a frenzy of excitement at the happy chaos contained within the small bedroom.
She looks over at the love of her life and catches Amanda's eye, smiling softly at one another as their gazes lock and linger. Olivia knows that there is a lot to sort out, that things are unlikely to be easy as they move forward with each other and finally begin building a life together, that there are still many obstacles to overcome, but she is full of determination and love, secure and ecstatic in the knowledge that two mothers, two kids, and a dog are going to make a home.
xxx
*Song lyrics are from Melissa Etheridge's "Breathe"