Thank you A Markov for betaing this fic. Reviews are greatly appreciated.
Lace leaned on the table as she looked out the window. It had been a year and a half, and yet, here she was. The blinds were open as she stared at the snow falling onto her lawn, a bitter smile twisting on her lips. Shoveling was always Sera's job. She turned away from the window only to find herself staring at the yellow wall. Also Sera's doing. She had insisted that they paint the walls something bright and colorful: something that would make them happy when they looked at it. Now, it was just a constant reminder that Sera was gone. The table she was leaning on was also picked out by Sera. Wood tables were always her favorite. This one was classic and practical; Lace just wanted to burn it. Same with the rest of her house. The kitchen behind her was dirty nowadays. Unwashed dishes always filled the sink, even when she managed to clean some of them. Cans and other pre-packaged food were always out. She never had the energy to put all of it away after a trip to the store and the counters hadn't been wiped down in maker knew how long.
Lace tipped her head back and downed a shot of whiskey. This was pathetic. She was pathetic and on days like today, she couldn't bring herself to care. What a joke Yule had become. She'd never really celebrated it before she met Sera, now the day was too painful to do anything but drink.
She dropped her head into her hands and sighed. Why couldn't she be over Sera's death already? Why was it still overwhelming and painful? Hadn't a year and half been enough time for the pain to heal?
Lace poured herself another shot. Her phone rang, but she didn't pick it up. Couldn't. She just couldn't face anyone. Not now. Not when the pain and the memories were too much to bear. She couldn't really even function, and they expected her to expend effort on something other than dealing with how much of a mess she was?
Downing the shot, she felt something loosen up in her chest. Alcohol was poison. It left her with a hangover in the morning and probably shaved years off of her life. But alcohol was also her savior. It was the one thing that gave her release. Gave her the peace of mind she craved.
Another shot. The world was spinning. Her phone rang again. She ignored it.
Again it rang. She hated that noise, and it didn't help that her head was so fuzzy. Without much thought, Lace turned off her phone and slammed it down on the table. A second passed, then two. She sat down then flicked it to the other side of the table. Lace stared at the phone across from her. Not good enough. Standing back up, she grabbed her phone then chucked it across the room. Good riddance.
Lace was the type of drunk that loved to be happy. On days like today, being drunk only made her feel numb.
Alcohol would be her only companion tonight. Sera was dead. And nothing could bring her back. If she didn't have alcohol, the overwhelming emptiness and the stifling anxiety would swallow her whole.
Couldn't have that.
She didn't make it back to her bedroom. Opting instead for the floor in the living room, her body immediately curling in on itself. She let out a hollow laugh. Yeah, she was pathetic. And the worst part of it all was that she knew Sera would never want her to be this way.
Oh well. She put it out of her mind, allowing the pleasantness of the alcohol to consume her. She'd deal with it in the morning.
The next day came too soon. She awoke to a hand on her forehead, and a very worried expression. What was going on? Where was she? Her mind sharpened seconds later. She was on the floor and the hand belonged to her best friend Verda. Though Lace hadn't been acting like her best friend lately. Spiraling left little time on the way down.
"I called you last night." Verda took her hand off of her forehead and stroked her hair. Verda was the only person since Sera who was allowed to touch her like this. Physical touch was a comfort that she enjoyed indulging in, and Lace didn't have to worry about Verda's touch being a come-on as she was as straight as a pole.
Though, in times like these, she felt like she didn't deserve it. Verda was too good to her. She wanted to move on and get better for Verda's sake, but the pain was too much to face. The idea of moving on made her throat close up, but the idea of not moving on made her chest ache. Even so, her grief was a hurricane that she tried to suppress, hopeful that it would just go away without her having to deal with it. Of course, that left an even bigger storm to deal with. The situation was weird. Lace remembered when she used to be the type of woman who dealt with things head on. But even if she did go about tackling the situation, where would she even begin?
"I didn't hear the phone ring."
Something in Verda's eye's made her want to run. Disappointment, fatigue. What if she gave up on her? What if she grew tired of this? Lace didn't want to think about that. Or even entertain the possibility. She didn't know how she would deal if her biggest supporter were to leave.
Verda sighed, her disappointment obvious. "I wanted to give you your present."
Present? Even after everything? Lace felt tears burn at the edge of her eyes, love for Verda building in her chest. Verda was always taking care of her, always there whenever she needed her. Even after a year and a half of this, Verda was still willing to check in on her and give her presents.
Lace knew she was a burden. Her inability to move on was draining both of them. She knew she should try harder, try something other than getting drunk whenever the pain was too much. But she just couldn't find the energy. Trying harder was the least she could do.
"I really appreciate you, I want you to know that." Tears were still welling up in her eyes, and she tried to hold them back. It took everything within her not to cry.
Verda pulled a medium sized box out of her bag and handed it to her. It was white with a green bow on top. Lace couldn't help but smile as she opened it. Inside she found two tickets to Orlais. To Val Royeaux.
"Merry Christmas Lace." A warm smile. "I know you've always wanted to go and I know this house has too many memories."
It's becoming too much for you to bear, was left unspoken.
Verda wasn't wrong. The house held memories of her and Sera everywhere she looked. Even walking down the streets of Denerim flashes of Sera and her shenanigans bombarded her. Denerim had been their playground. It was the largest city in Ferelden and also the city she and Sera had decided to call home. They had chosen Denerim mostly on a whim. The city was beautiful, especially the outer regions, and it wasn't too big. Skyscrapers and other large buildings were at the heart of the city. The outer neighborhoods had more trees than one would expect a large city to have, and held most of the residential housing and the quirky shops the Ferelden Capitol was known for.
She and Sera had also briefly considered living in Orlais. She had no idea why Sera even suggested it as she hated wealthy and pretentious people. In the end, they decided Orlais would be great for visiting, and that was about it.
Some part of her wanted to refuse the gift, but she couldn't do that. Not to Verda. Not now. "Thanks." Lace smiled her best smile, not even caring that it probably wasn't reaching her eyes. "You're coming with, right?"
"Of course. It'll be us and the city. And you won't even have to pay for anything."
"But - "
"No buts. This is your present. It's fine. I've got this." Verda reached for her hand and squeezed. Lace taught survivalist skills to children, mostly getting them excited about nature, but she hadn't been teaching the classes as much now that Sera was gone. Her bank account was nearly as empty as the hole Sera left. They had been business partners and taught the classes together. Her absence was most painful when the kids talked about how much they missed Sera. She always said the same thing: that she did too.
Lace sat up. Maybe she needed to get away. Her head hurt more than it had in a while. Yeah, maybe she needed this badly. "When do we leave?" she asked.
"Two days before New Year's Eve. Should give us plenty of time to get settled in before everyone starts partying."
Lace didn't feel like partying. But then again, she didn't feel like doing anything other than forgetting and getting drunk. Maybe she needed to party, maybe that would fill the void a little.
"I'll make sure to pack all of my festive clothes."
While she had a bit of hope, she wasn't going to hold her breath.
Verda seldom left her alone in the days leading up to their trip but her presence wasn't unwelcome. Lace found her company soothing and her panic attacks were far fewer.
Their time together allowed Lace to reclaim some semblance of order and balance in her life. They both pitched in to make the house clean. The kitchen was spotless: empty sink, and no food containers on the counters. Her bedroom and living room didn't have clothing strewn everywhere and not one thing was out of place. Her emotional stability was still on the edge though. Not as wild and unpredictable as it had been on Yule, but still ready to be pushed off the edge at any moment.
The day of their flight came and she felt her excitement building. The plane ride wasn't as long as she expected, but still too long for her tastes. She just wanted to be in Orlais already. Verda felt the same judging by the way she danced around in her seat and pointed at things outside the window.
Anxiety didn't hit her until near the end of the ride. Uncertainty for the trip crept into her mind. This was unknown territory. A place that Lace had no idea how to navigate physically and mentally. Would she have an anxiety attack? A breakdown? Stop functioning?
When they finally made it to the gate, she didn't want to leave the plane. Swallowing hard, she wiped her palms on her pants as she watched the gate move slowly closer through the tiny window of the plane. The uncertainty terrified her. Fed into the want to stay put. Everything was so unknown and she hated it. Hated feeling so helplessly unsure.
Verda grabbed one of her hands and squeezed. "It'll be okay. I'm here."
Lace looked up, and met her eyes. Right. Verda was with her. She was not alone here, and Verda would be there if she did end up having a breakdown. Feeling relief while she was sober was refreshing. It always amazed her how good a friend Verda was. What had she done to deserve her? Maybe it was time to return the favor: give Verda as much as she had given her. That thought was put on hold as the flight attendant announced that they could disembark. Everyone was in a hurry as they got off of the plane, pushing and walking as fast as they could. Verda held her hand as they watched people leave. When they were the last ones in their section, they grabbed their carry-on bags and left.
"What should we do first?" Verda asked, smile impossibly bright.
Lace shrugged. "I want you to pick the first place." Lace tried to mimic the peppy attitude and bright smile, but it ended up weaker than she had intended.
All misgivings aside, Lace was glad that she was here. Even if Sera was a lingering ghost that haunted her at every step, being here meant new possibilities. Maybe this trip could be the closure that she needed. The thing that inspired her to do better, for everyone's sake.
More effort - that's what she needed. "Smile and then you'll mean it." Yes, that was it. Dwarven proverbs were something that her parents had quoted with fervor before they died.
Maybe they were onto something.
She willed herself to smile genuinely. It felt weird on her face but it would do.
Verda didn't notice her smile was strained or if she did, nothing was said.
"Let's drop our stuff off at the hotel, get dressed up and go to one of those fancy Orlesian restaurants we always hear about."
Lace nodded. That did sound good and she was hungry. "Yeah that sounds great." She thought her voice sounded more chipper than before. Good.
The hotel was grand. Though, she wondered how Verda could afford all of this. It was a medium sized room with two beds with matching ivory, baby blue and gold accented sheets and comforters. There was one bathroom with a marble tub and sink. On the wall across from the beds hung a large flatscreen TV. The simple design accentuated the expensive materials. The rest of the room had the same colors as the comforter. Not bad. Not bad at all. They only spent about twenty minutes in the room before leaving.
Orlais was beautiful. A combination of new and old that made something within her get genuinely excited and happy. People were everywhere and it was easy to tell the locals from the tourists. Everyone from Orlais wore silks and bright colors with perfectly tailored clothes.
"So I was wondering if you wanted to go to a seminar with me tomorrow," Verda said after a long bout of silence as they walked around.
"What's it on?" She hoped it wasn't another seminar about folk art.
Verda poked her cheek. "I know what you're thinking and no it's not another seminar about folk art."
Good. Another one would have surely sucked the life out of her. "I don't think I could have stomached another 2 hour seminar about ancient sewing techniques."
"Oh yeah, I did make you go to that one."
"You're always forgetting the horrible things you drag me to. The things none of your other friends want to go to."
"You got a free medieval garment. I say that's a win."
Lace stuck out her tongue. "For you."
"And anyone else with a lick of sense. Anyone else would have been excited."
"Mmhmm." A pause, and then, "But seriously, what's the seminar about?"
"You'll really like it! Well, I hope - It's about magic and enchanting from a Dwarva researcher named Dagna."
"Dwarva? Incredible."
This Dagna was researching magic and enchanting and was the same race as her? While she didn't think she could do it, the fact that someone like her was doing it was incredible. It was inspiring. Beautiful. And she really wanted to meet this person.
"Isn't it though? I've read some of her work and she's brilliant. The best in the field no doubt."
"What time are we going tomorrow?"
"Four."
Lace nodded. She would be there.
Noticing that they were going in a circle around the same block, they cut onto another street, and chose a place to eat soon after. The rest of the night was a blur of Verda's laughter and the lights of the city.
When they got back from dancing at a club that night, Lace found herself staring up at the ceiling in the dark, alcohol making her head buzz.
She'd had fun today. Things had gone great and not once did she have a break down. It was weird. The anxiety was still there, but she didn't have their things and memories of the places they had gone together everywhere she looked.
Luckily no one had tried to dance with her, except for Verda. But what would have happened if they had?
Could she move on? Ever?
Sera would want her to. But was now the right time? And would she ever want to be with anyone else? Would anyone ever be as vibrant as Sera? Sweep her off her feet like Sera? The thought of someone replacing Sera left a bad taste in her mouth. No one would ever replace her. Maybe she'd start dating, sure. But Sera was a separate person and whoever she'd be interested in next was a separate person as well. Replacement would never be her goal. Ever.
That thought was a great comfort. She'd move on, but would never replace or give up Sera's memory.
Yes, Lace thought as she closed her eyes. That would do. That would do.
Before the seminar, they grabbed a late lunch about halfway between their hotel and the venue. The lecture was being held at a local university. The campus was beautiful. Vegetation was plentiful - trees and flowers were everywhere, the grass a bright green. The buildings were older, reminiscent of ancient architecture: high arches, vibrant colors, and an old timey elegance that only Val Royeaux had. Verda never gave her the name of the university and Lace didn't ask. It didn't really matter anyways. What mattered was the seminar.
The lecture hall was huge with nice seating - not the small uncomfortable seats with the one-size-too-small desks attached. Instead, the chairs were larger, and cushioned with velvet. Everything looked comfortable and approachable even if it was more elegant than she was used to. The colors of the room were rich purples and blues, with ivory floors.
They had arrived 5 minutes before the seminar was supposed to begin. People poured in, and the seats were filling up quickly. They grabbed seats close to the front before anyone else could nab them. A Dwarva was at the front setting up a bunch of unfamiliar items and artifacts on a desk–Dagna, she presumed. Some were pieces of stones with symbols or decaying weapons that shimmered with magic.
The seminar started. Lace was captivated not long after. Dagna was an excellent speaker and clearly passionate about the subject. It didn't take long for her to realize that she was cute too. Dagna was adorable and bubbly and Lace wanted to talk to her and become friends.
When the seminar was done, most of the audience filed out. Lace dragged Verda to join the small circle of admirers surrounding Dagna. The hand full of people who stayed trickled out, and soon, she and Verda were able to talk to Dagna alone.
"Your presentation was fantastic," Lace said when Dagna turned her attention on them..
Dagna blinked, a look of surprise on her face before a smile made its way on her lips. Lace had no idea why she would be surprised by her statement as her presentation was obviously amazing.
"Thanks. I'm glad you two liked it. Are you interested in magic?"
They both nodded. Before Verda could say anything, Lace cut in, "I am now. Are you working on anything else?" She wanted to know everything. It had been a long time since anything or anyone made her feel so inspired.
Dagna looked excited now. Eyes twinkling, smile large, almost fidgety in the way she held her body. "Yes, so many things planned! I don't even know where to begin. Well, I guess my seminar was kind of the beginning, but still. There's so much to learn. Some of which I don't even know anything about. We just uncovered some artifacts from an ancient elven ruin and…"
Dagna went on and on about the topic, excited to gush about her findings to Verda and Lace. While it felt odd as they had each just met the other and she probably gave a lot of these seminars and probably talked to many people about the same things, Lace got the feeling that she just loved talking about the subject. Even if it was to strangers.
"Wow - you're studying so much. I didn't think there was much more to study about magic," Lace said.
"I didn't either, until I got into the field."
"How did you get into the field if you don't mind me asking? Are you from Orzammar?" While Orzammar had officially abolished their caste system, it was still in place unofficially.
"Yes, I'm from Orzammar and I, surprisingly, started becoming interested in magic there too. I started reading books and it just went from there."
It surprised Lace that Dagna had left and then became a magic researcher. Not many left Orzammar and even fewer left to pursue academia.
Verda touched Lace's arm and gave her a look that said "we need to leave soon."
"It's been nice talking to you, but we have to leave." Lace frowned. She knew how these things went. She wouldn't be surprised if she never saw Dagna again. But that was not what she wanted at all. Would it be weird if she gave her her number? Probably. While this conversation had been engaging and almost like she was talking to a friend, they weren't actually friends. Dagna was an inspiration, an interesting and amazing Dwarva that Lace felt was on a different level than her. She was merely someone who taught naturalist skills to children. That wasn't as inspirational or as cool as what Dagna did. She was probably just being polite.
"Already?" Dagna looked genuinely disappointed.
"Yeah, unfortunately we have reservations at a restaurant in a half an hour."
The disappointment didn't leave her face, even when she smiled at them. "Well, I guess this is goodbye. Hope you have a great New Years!"
Lace smiled genuinely. She had really liked talking with Dagna. It would be sad to see her go. "Thanks. I hope you do too."
"So you have a crush on her?"
Lace paused, fork full of food clattering on the plate. Crush? Lace eyes widened. Was that what this was?
Lace had agreed to move on, but wasn't already having a crush on someone else a little too soon?
As she stared at her food, the answer became clear.
It really was a crush. Maker preserve her.
Not even a week ago she had been getting drunk to numb the pain. It had been a year and a half - not even two. It was too soon. Way too soon.
Verda sighed and grabbed Lace's hand from across the table. "You deserve to be happy and you're entitled to feel anyway that you want."
Lace looked up, tears burning in her eyes. "Are you sure?"
The anxiety poured into her. Filled her up to the brim and wouldn't let go. Even if she knew it was logical to believe Verda, everything in her said that she shouldn't. But she couldn't deal with Verda or herself or anything really. Everything was too overwhelming and they were around people. So many people. She just wanted to cry.
Verda squeezed her hand harder. "Yes. Everything will be alright."
The anxiety made everything feel dire. It didn't feel like anything would ever be alright. Again, the logical side of her knew that that wasn't true. But she still couldn't stop the anxiety.
"Can we go?" Her voice came out more faint and pathetic than she would have liked.
"Of course." Verda let go of her hand and went to go find the waiter while Lace tried to calm herself down. Lace hated when her thoughts started spiraling like this. The only thing she could think of to stop her from thinking was alcohol and sleep. But sleep wouldn't come to her if her anxiety kept up like this, and she couldn't keep relying on alcohol to make everything feel better.
Verda came back to the table and helped her up. How Verda knew she felt too anxious to even stand, she had no clue, but she appreciated the help.
"Let's go back to the hotel for a bit."
Lace just nodded.
While her anxiety never went away fully, it always eventually receded with the right kind of care. Verda continuously stroked her hair as the TV played in the background. Being physically close without having to function or talk always calmed her down and it was something Verda had no qualms with doing.
"It's 10:50," Lace eventually said when her anxiety had subsided.
"Yeah, I guess it is."
Silence. And Lace frowned. Verda deserved to have a good time. It wasn't her fault that her anxiety was out of control.
"You can go have a good time if you want. You have an hour until midnight. I'm sure you could find something fun to do."
"I'm not going to leave you here."
Lace sighed. "You don't have to. I'll come." She didn't know if it was a good idea or something that she should do when she just had an anxiety attack, but she'd promised herself that she was going to be a better friend to Verda and this was her chance to actually step-up.
"You sure? We can stay in tonight."
"No, no. We came on this trip to celebrate the New Year. I don't want to start the New Year the same way it was last year. I can handle going out."
Lace didn't know if that was the truth, but if push came to shove, there was always alcohol. She just wanted Verda to have a good time. That was the least she could do.
Verda smiled and Lace knew she made the right decision.
"We better get ready then! If we want to make it to one of the clubs before midnight that is."
Lace nodded. They then separately got ready, the room silent except for the TV.
"You ready?" Verda asked twenty minutes later.
"As ready as I'll ever be."
Verda checked her makeup one more time, screwed on the cap to her lipgloss and smacked her lips. "Good."
And they were off.
The nightclub that they ended up at wasn't the grandest or most exquisite that Val Royeaux had to offer, but it was still nice. It was a one-story white building. There were no windows, but several doors and grand arches created an illusion of openness. The dance floor was packed, but there were still some areas where the crowd was thin enough for Lace to feel like she could breathe easily. The crowd was a lot to take in. Everyone - or just about everyone - was drunk and rowdy. Every race was present, but the majority were humans. She put on a brave face for Verda.
"Let's dance!" Verda yelled and she almost didn't hear her. The music was loud: she could feel the bass in her chest.
"Let's go to the bar first!"
Verda nodded and they pushed their way to the bar.
"4 shots of vodka," Lace told the bartender. While she couldn't speak for Verda, she would need those shots if she wanted to have a good time tonight.
As soon as the bartender gave them the shots, Lace downed two of them and then handed the other two to Verda.
"I only want one," Verda said close to her ear.
Lace nodded. More for her then. She took out a couple of bills to pay for the drinks before downing another shot. The familiar buzz took a hold of her and she smiled. Oh yeah, this was exactly what she needed.
"You ready to dance?" Lace asked.
Verda's eyes lit and she nodded enthusiastically before pulling her out onto the dance floor. Everyone was so packed together that they couldn't move an inch without bumping into someone.
Even so, dancing with Verda was fun. The alcohol had sufficiently numbed Lace's anxiety and lowered her inhibitions. She let loose. While she didn't claim to have rhythm, the beat engulfed her and she found herself dancing wildly to the songs that were playing.
Whenever Lace looked up, Verda caught her gaze, amusement swirling in her eyes. There was also something else, something she couldn't quite decipher. It took a second for her to focus on her, but when she figured it out, she thanked sober her for coming to this place tonight and ordering those drinks. Relief. Joy. All of the things she wanted Verda to feel. And she started feeling that too.
"May I cut in?" a human man asked Verda.
Verda replied in his ear, but Lace couldn't hear it. She took it as a yes, because they started dancing not long after. Lace didn't bother trying to dance with anyone else. Instead she headed towards the bar and ordered a rum and coke. She sipped on the drink, eyes scanning the crowd.
That was when she spotted Dagna.
She felt her pulse jump. Downing the rest of her drink, she made her way to Dagna. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, but her brain was too fuzzy to think properly and she really liked Dagna.
"Hey!" she shouted, hopeful to get her attention.
Dagna turned around and her face lit as soon as she saw her. "Wow - hey! I didn't expect to see you here."
"Me either." Lace smiled as large as she could. "I'm so happy I've run into you. I thought I would never see you again."
Dagna returned the smile. "Me too. I didn't realize this until afterwards, but I didn't get your name."
"Lace. My name's Lace."
"What a pretty name."
"Thanks."
"Did you want something to drink?" Lace asked, already leading the way to the bar before the other could answer.
"I mean, you're already leading the way."
Lace looked back and smirked and then continued pushing her way to the bar. When they got there, Lace opted to not order another drink for herself when Dagna ordered herself a drink.
The bartender said something to Dagna that Lace couldn't catch as she handed her a drink. Dagna giggled and shook her head.
Damn. Dagna was so cute it hurt. "You're so cute," Lace said as she returned with a drink.
Dagna's eyes widened before a blush spread across her cheeks. Lace couldn't take it. How could someone be this cute?
"Thank you. I think you're cute too."
The music stopped suddenly and the DJ started speaking, "It's about to be midnight in 5."
"Do you want to be my midnight kiss?" Dagna asked.
"4!"
Should she? Something in the back of her mind told her no, but she couldn't think of any reasons. Or really think much about anything that wasn't right here, right now. That was all that mattered.
"3!"
"Yes," Lace said and Dagna looked so happy.
"...2, 1!"
And then they kissed. It was soft and sweet and over way too soon.
Lace put her arms around Dagna's neck and pecked her lips once more. "That was better than what I imagined," Lace said.
Dagna hmmed. "So you've been thinking of kissing me?"
Lace didn't answer. Instead, she draped her arms around Dagna's neck and began dancing. They moved out onto the dance floor and everything else faded away.
Lace had no idea how long they'd been dancing when Verda found them. She tapped Lace on the shoulder and yelled: "I want to go."
Lace nodded.
"I gotta go again." Lace giggled after she said it.
"What - no! At least give me your number."
"Alright. I will, but you must give me your number too. It's only fair!"
Dagna laughed. "Give me your phone."
They put each of their numbers into the other's phone and Lace wondered what sober her would do with it.
Verda looked a little worried at their exchange. Lace didn't understand, so she put it out of her mind.
"It's been fun. Call me," Lace said as Verda dragged her from the club.
The change in volumes from inside to outside made her ears feel weird.
"Was that a good idea?" Verda asked as they walked back to the hotel.
She wasn't in the best mindset to figure that one out, so she shrugged. Sober Lace would deal with it in the morning.
Though she liked the effect of alcohol, she hated the mornings after.
"Whhyy?" Lace moaned into her pillow as Verda got ready for the day.
"You're the one that drank too much."
"Don't remind me." The previous night rushed back to her. They'd kissed. Lace had kissed Dagna. She hated that she didn't regret the kiss. She hated that she wanted Dagna to call her today and for them to hangout before she and Verda went back to Ferelden. That wasn't going to happen. It wouldn't be fair to either of them if she started anything with her right now.
Even with her hangover, she felt her resolve strengthen. She would call Dagna when her hangover subsided and explain things to her. Lace hoped she would understand.
"Hey, Dagna." Lace bit her lip, anxiety in her gut.
"Lace! It's so good to hear from you so soon. I was going to call you later today too. I was wondering if you wanted to do something before you go back to Ferelden."
Lace took a deep breath. "Look, I wanted to talk to you about that. I just - I can't right now."
"Can't what? Hang out?"
"Yeah. I'm not in the right headspace for anything else right now."
"Are you just getting over a breakup?"
"Something like that," Lace said. "I just haven't been feeling good and I can't give you anything because all I have the energy for is picking up my own pieces. I hope you understand." Please understand.
"No I understand. I'm sorry you're going through that, but yeah it sounds like you don't have energy for much else," Dagna said, disappointment obvious in her tone.
Lace body relaxed, a smile playing on her lips. Dagna did understand. Her relief was palpable.
"Thank you so much. I really appreciate it."
A pause. Then, "You're welcome. It was great to meet you."
"It was great meeting you too. I'm sorry it had to be this way. But if I ever feel better and you want to keep in touch, I'll message you."
"Okay. I would love to keep in touch. Maybe…" Dagna trailed off. "Sorry, that isn't really fair to you." The silence was awkward and stretched on for too long. "I hope you feel better soon."
"Thank you... Take care," Lace said, unsure of what to say next.
"Yeah, take care."
Click.
Lace's therapist had recommended taking walks around the city when being at her house became too much. That was what she was doing now. She couldn't tell how long she'd been walking.
The city was beautiful that night. Autumn was always her favorite season: The trees changed colors and the weather was never too hot or cold. The sun was setting, orange and pink hues colored the city and the fluorescent lighting mixed for a picturesque view. It was windy, but luckily the breeze was warm. The city was bustling: noisy and people everywhere she looked.
A lot had changed since she returned from Val Royeaux. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Therapy helped Lace cut out unhealthy coping mechanisms and allowed her to find a bit of closure. Sometimes her thoughts were too much, but she hadn't had as many anxiety attacks as before. A win in her book.
As she turned a corner, someone ran into her, sending her to the ground. Lace grimmaced, sharp pain traveling up her body when her butt hit the ground.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't - Wait, is that you Lace?"
Lace looked up. Dagna. Her appearance hadn't changed much at all. Briefly, she wondered if she had changed in other ways.
"Funny seeing you here," Lace said. Dagna offered her a hand and she took it and hefted herself up. "Thanks."
"You're welcome." Dagna paused, eyes darting to the side as if searching for something to say. When their eyes met again, she finally said, "So how have you been?"
"Better than the last time we saw each other, that's for sure. What about you? How are you?"
What else was there to say? Everything felt either too personal or too insignificant to talk about.
"The last eight months have been fantastic. A lot of interesting research and a lot of traveling."
Lace smiled. "Good, good. I'm glad things have been so great."
"I'm glad things have been better for you too. Do you feel better as well?"
Lace knew what Dagna was really asking. While her mental health had gotten better and her grief for Sera had lessened, was she able to give energy to anyone else romantically?
"Yeah, I think I do feel better." It wasn't a lie. But she wasn't quite convinced that she had moved on enough to start dating other people. Not that anything was promised or that Dagna would want anything with her. But still. She said she was interested in keeping in contact the last time they talked. That had to mean something, right?
But the question was: could she give anyone that kind of energy right now?
"I'm late to a meeting, but I was wondering if you would be around in an hour or so. We could grab dinner," Dagna said.
That did sound nice.
"Sure. I'd love to grab dinner. Do you still have my number? You can text me whenever you're done and we can go from there."
Dagna smiled. "I do still have it. And that sounds good. I'll let you know when I'm done."
"Alright. See you then."
After they parted, Lace continued her walk, Dagna on her mind. Even if she didn't have a ton of energy to spend on a romantic relationship, maybe it wouldn't need a ton of energy. They hadn't even gone on a date yet. Neither of them had told each other what they wanted or if a serious relationship would even be in the future. Maybe she was overthinking things. Lace was emotionally stable enough for a relationship, so shouldn't that be the only thing that mattered?
Lace shook her head and shoved her hands into her pockets. She needed to take things one day at a time. The future wasn't here yet and it was no use trying to figure these things out when nothing had happened yet. She'd wait and figure it out when more things happened. Whatever both of them decided, she'd accept it. She was hopeful things would work out between them though.
Deciding to stop at a park, she sat on a bench and looked appreciatively at the trees and the city. A couple passed by her and she suddenly remembered that this was the park Sera had taken her during their 5 year anniversary celebration. Her chest tightened, but the memory wasn't as painful as she thought it would be. She smiled. She'd never stop loving Sera, but that didn't mean she couldn't love someone else.
Yeah, she was ready for the next chapter of her life.