What Motivates Me
Anime/Manga used: Daiya no Ace/Ace of Diamond
Songs used: Perfect by Selena Gomez
Warnings: angst, swearing, bittersweet feelings, questionable one-sided relationship, inside Eijun's head, it's a fantasy, song use, and more. You HAVE been warned!
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING, everything belongs to its original owners
Alex: Okay, so I was inspired by a fic called Voluntary Apena by heartnoace (galaxyorbit) and I love it, plus this song was a great listen thinking about Eijun in a fantasy world in his head, but he knows it's fake but he doesn't care. Bold is Eijun talking and underline is Kazuya speaking. Enjoy, sorry for the angst!
"But then you make me feel crazy. You make me feel like it's my fault….I was in pain" -Selena Gomez
Miyuki…er- Kazuya is acting strange. Not that it's any different from the normal crap Sawamura Eijun has to put up with on a daily basis. It's so damn hard to get a read from that guy! Half of the bullshit he says is blunt remarks or teasing comments, no real substance. It's weird to seriously spend time with his…b-boyfriend, damn, why does that word make his heart do a million flips in his chest? Sure, he's been in love with the guy for a while now. Yeah, he honestly could have chosen a much better partner to be with, that's for sure. No one understands why Eijun would waste his time falling for Miyuki Kazuya of all people. The glasses wearing bastard doesn't really have any friends or talks about his family, he's secretive like that. Girls flock to him or scream his name whenever he struts down the halls at school, a long time ago Eijun would have wondered why they have such terrible taste in guys. Now, he can't exactly judge them for liking him since he's dating Miyuki himself. The other day they got into a banter about him using his upperclassmen's first name, but he just can't! It makes him feel about a thousand different emotions at once. The suggestion alone make him have a nervous breakdown! If he actually called his b-boyfriend by first name, he swears he'll have an aneurysm at the age of fifteen.
Different inflection when you say my name
Kiss me, but your kiss don't taste the same
"Why won't you talk to me?!"
"I am"
"No! You know everything about me, but I hardly know anything about you!"
It was stupid, they had an argument….again
Is it real or am I going out of my mind?
Curious 'bout the company that you keep
'Cause I hear you talking 'bout her in your sleep
And now you've got me talking 'bout her in mine
Miyuki has been unusually nice lately, not even a single sarcastic remark. Just the other day, they went to the arcade even though it wasn't really his upperclassman's thing. They played lots of games together, okay, Eijun was the one that went a little overboard on the games. He has been hanging out with Kuromochi, his roommate, a bit too much. Somehow, he successfully (with some whining, but he digresses) managed to convince Miyuki to go into the photo booth with him. The first one, he flashed a peace sign and a giant grin on his face. His senpai, on the other hand, gave an awkward upward lift of his lips as if he would rather be anywhere but in the photo booth. Eijun tries to get Miyuki to loosen up by making the dumbest face on the planet, cross eyes and everything. Hey, he always goes all out for pictures. The older boy smugly smirks while commenting at how dumb he looks which got him riled up and began ranting to his terrible senpai. That was what the third photo ended up being, them having a one-sided bickering session for what seems to be the hundredth time in a row. The last on caught him by surprise since Miyuki, the bastard, got so amused by his expression that he started laughing. Not the usual evil cackling or amused chuckles, but an actual genuine one. It was a bit deep, low and so fucking perfect. He almost hates it.
Ooh, and I bet she has it all
Bet she's beautiful like you, like you
And I bet she's got that touch
Makes you fall in love...like you, like you
"You have no idea how it felt when you fell like that! It felt like I couldn't even breathe! You kept it a secret from me, when I asked you about it, you lied to me and said it was fine. You always hide things from me! I'm always the last to know when something happens to you! It hurts, you know?"
I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest
I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips
Maybe I should be more like her
Maybe I should be more like her
His expression on the last photo was definitely the sign of someone who's deeply in love with a sense of wonder, awe and amazement on his face with bright golden eyes shining with affection. A light blush on his face and the look of breathlessness to top it all. Eijun almost hates how much he loves Miyuki Kazuya. It's not puppy love or a simple crush they talk about in movies and stuff. People look at him like he's crazy whenever he happily talking about the glasses wearing upperclassman. Maybe he is. They ask if he's stupid or blinded by love, maybe he's both. He's stupidly in love and he hates it.
I could taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her too
She's perfect
She's perfect...
Eijun can't believe how much his life changed when he fell for that tanuki bastard. He wasn't really going to go to Seido, he thought he was going to stay in Nagano until he drops dead. To be honest, he never really thought about love or sex or anything like that despite praising shoujo manga like it's his holy grail. Ever since he could remember, everyone in his country hometown paired him up with Wakana. It made sense, in Nagano, the residents settle down very young to have time to build big families. By the time he was in his last year in middle school, he was unofficially engaged to a girl he only sees as a sister. Eijun thought they both deserve better than that.
How does she touch you? Can I try it, too?
I know you're twisted, but baby, I'm twisted too
I wanna know how she could make a man lose his mind
"You make me feel crazy, Miyuki Kazuya! Newsflash, it takes more than one person to be in a relationship 'cause I sure as hell am not dating myself here. It feels like I'm working my ass off to make it work, but you're not even trying!"
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying that you need to talk to me, to try with me! Otherwise, it won't work out between us!"
Ooh, with the smell of her perfume
I could love her too...like you, like you
And I can almost hear her laugh
Curving on her back for you, for you
"If I could, I would follow you wherever you lead me even if I was blindfolded and I don't know where I'm going because I trust you that much!"
"Isn't that extreme? You don't have to be dramatic…"
"That's not the point! I'm trying to say that I always have faith in you! Why can't you trust me with your secrets? Why won't you open up to me? You don't talk to me because you just don't trust me!"
"I do trust you Eijun"
"Don't tell me! Show me!"
I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest
I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips
Maybe I should be more like her
Maybe I should be more like her
"Look...what I'm trying to say is that you don't trust me, end of story. When something happens to you, you hide it. Then, someone figures it out and soon…everyone knows! Everyone knows, but Eijun! And, I feel like the idiot for not knowing anything! You pretended that the injury was nothing, but I could tell it was hurting you! Seeing you in pain breaks my heart. It's not funny seeing someone you care about get hurt. But, I look like the crazy one for saying that! It hurts, it really really hurts for feeling like the only one who's in love!"
I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her too
She's perfect
She's perfect...
Everything changed when he met the most aggravating person he's ever known. Wakana, Nagano, summers spent by the river and everything regarding his hometown was almost forgotten in such a short amount of time. It's insane how much Miyuki Kazuya matters to him. Hell, there's something going wrong here, he knows it. He doesn't know, somehow, deep inside….it doesn't feel real. Being in a relationship with his beloved senpai, living this rose colored high school life he reads about in his romance manga. Eijun for some reason can tell that none of what he's seeing is reality, it's all fantasy. Maybe that's why he's more open here. Maybe that's why he can love Miyuki without any fears or worries about getting judged for dating another boy. He's somewhat okay with this even though he knows it may sound strange. Now, he feels kind of stupid for heatedly arguing against a Miyuki that's not actually real. But…..whoever this person is…looks like him, acts like him, talks like he does and everything just screams his senpai's name in a never ending song. It's good enough, he doesn't care if it might be fake.
Nothing mattered, he doesn't care anymore. Eijun can freely love this version of Miyuki Kazuya, but in a way, it felt wrong. Why is he still hung up on this guy? He's young, he can move on and there's plenty of fish in the sea. Why is he still hopelessly in love with fucking Miyuki of all people? Somewhere out there in the world is someone he can love who can return his affections, he has plenty of time. But, for some reason, his mind always goes back to that bastard. He knows that his heart will always chose his precious senpai every time. That guy was the real reason why he left his safe little bubble in Nagano to go to Tokyo. Not that he would ever admit it to his stupid pretty face. Well, he kind of already said it. But, this Miyuki is fake, so it's fine. It's close enough, to have some outlet to release his true feelings without any restraints. Eijun hates how everything changed when he met the glasses bastard, almost.
I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest
I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips
Maybe I should be more like her
Maybe I should be more like her
"You won't understand what I felt at all…"
"My heart almost broke that day you got hurt…"
"I'm in pain"
I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her too
She's perfect...
"What's so great about the real Kazuya? I can love you more than he ever will..."
But, you're what motivates me
The End
Alex: hahah! At the end, it was the fake Kazuya speaking that final line! What do you peeps think? Thanks for reading!