I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love
Labrinth - Jealous
...
Bae's first experience with flying had been anything but pleasant; it had been a nightmare that he couldn't wake up from no matter how hard he had tried. It had been nothing to how he had expected flying to be like when he was a young child. But, he had discovered most things he had believed in when he was a child were never true. This experience, on the other hand, seemed to be exhillerating. He didn't know whether it was because he was leaving Neverland for the first time in what seemed to be forever, or if it was because he felt like he had a massive weight lifted from his shoulders. He was free, he had finally did it. He was going home.
But where exactly was home? He hadn't been overly conscious about time passing on the island but he did know that it had been years since he had been taken. He may not have looked it, but Bae felt years older. Would the Darling's still even want him now? While he stayed the same, Wendy, John and Michael would have gotten on with their own lives.
They would've grown up, had children of their own and lived. And rightfully so. He couldn't have expected anything different, just because he hadn't been there. For all the knew, his own father could've re-married and had a handful of children by now. He cringed, barely noticing that the shadow was turning in a different direction - one that took him away from the world without magic.
Thinking about the Darling's moving on seemed to be a lot easier than believing that his father had. He had thought of his father a lot while on Neverland, more than he had ever truly believed that he would after his father had let go of his hand and let him fall into the portal on his own. He had let him fall in order to keep the power that he had claimed he had gained in order to save him. The image of his face that night had once haunted him, it had once caused resentment and even bitter hatred to sink it's way into his heart, but it didn't now. He didn't resent his father for what had happened, though he hadn't forgiven anything either. Throughout his time in Neverland, hope had replaced resentment when Bae thought of his father. He had spent years hoping that his father was going to rescue him, that he was going to defeat Pan and take him back home. Home. He had missed that place more than he could explain.
Which is why he didn't have the same fear and anxiety that he usually felt when he thought of returning to the Enchanted Forest when he saw that he and the shadow were flying over very familiar trees.
He could go home, he decided. After all, the Dark One seemed like a fairy compared to Peter Pan - and he had been forced to endure him for so long that the Dark One didn't seem so terrible. He just wanted to go home and be with his papa. His papa may not be the best person in the world, in fact he could come across as downright evil to the people who break his deals, but he would never hurt him. Bae would feel safe, finally, for the first time in years. He wouldn't be constantly looking over his shoulder; he would be in a home which is safe and they could be happy. Maybe his father would be more willing to let go of the Dark One now that he had experienced life with the two of them apart. Maybe, Bae thought hopefully, he already had. Had his father missed him as much as he had missed his father? He knew it was selfish for him to hope that he had, but Bae couldn't stop himself from praying to anyone who would hear that his father had never forgotten him, that he had spent all their time apart trying to find a way of getting back to him. He felt bad for hoping that he would 'waste' his life trying to search for him when there wasn't a way of moving throughout realms, except for the one which he was holding onto very tightly now. The one which, to Bae's confusion, was coming to a stop outside a castle.
He hovered there for a long moment, staring up at the dark castle in bewilderment. He continued to stare at it even when the shadow, getting rather impatient, had lowered them so that Bae's feet were on the ground and was now trying to tug it's leg from Bae's grip. Bae continued to hold onto it tightly. He didn't know why, but he had expected to see the old, rundown hut that had been his father's home since before he had been born. He had never expected his father to leave that hut, though considering the amount of wealth his father had begun to collect before the night that tore them apart, it was hardly surprising that his father had managed to get himself to this.
"Stop it." He ordered to the shadow weakly, when the tugging had finally broken him out of his stupor. The shadow, predictably, ignored him and continued to tug away, intent with breaking free and making it's way back to Neverland. While Bae would be more than happy to let the shadow go, something stopped him from releasing his grip. A niggling bit a doubt in the back of his mind.
What if this was a trick? What if his father wasn't here? After all, the father that he knew wasn't interested in this kind of lifestyle.
Keeping a tight grip on the shadow's ankle, Bae reached into his bag and pulled out the coconut. The shadow tugged even harder when it spotted the dreaded object, still shining from the lit candle inside. Despite his current situation, Bae couldn't believe how reckless he had been leaving the candle lit while it was in his bag. He had packed food rations for a a few weeks - perhaps a month if he was careful - and everything could have been ruined if the cocnut hadn't have held up as much as it had. Carefully, he pulled the top off the coconut and watched as the shadow's tugging stopped as it was dragged down into the small prison of Bae's making.
As soon as he closed the shadow's prison, he was left in complete darkness. He had once been afraid of the dark, his father had comforted him many night when he was panicking about the candles being put out, but now he felt more comfortable with the dark. Neverland was always dark at night unless you wanted to parade around the fire like some of Pan's closest allies; he had long since grown used to the dark, but had also learned ways of using it to his advantage. Pan, despite his arrogance, wasn't as good at finding people in the pitch black of certain areas of the forest as he was during the day. When Bae had finally escape the lost boys, years before he had actually found a way off the island, he had hid in the dark forest, only a few feet away from the parts of the forest which were lit up by moonlight. He had watched as Pan and his closest allies searched for him, they had walked right past him. While there seemed to be more light here, he still felt a lot safer than he would be if it was daytime - even with Pan in another realm and his shadow in Bae's pocket.
Bae, swallowing the lump in his throat, hesitantly walked towards the castle. The castle was intimidating. There were many windows, many rooms that Bae could hardly process what the rooms must be used for, but only a select few were lit up. He wondered which one held his father. Taking a deep breath, Bae walked towards the door and held his hand up to knock on it... but found that he couldn't. His fist, in the air really to knock, was stuck in it's position only inches before making contact with the grand wooden door. He could easily move it away, but the moment that he tried to knock again, the same thing happened. Bae frowned as he backed away, looking at the castle thoughtfully. He could always fly up there, find an open window and climb in. During his time in Neverland, he had found some pixie dust. He had hardly believed his luck at the time, but had kept it for Tinkabell. The exilled fairy didn't have many things to enjoy back in those days, still didn't in fact. He had hoped that the pixie dust may have given her a bit more light and encouraged her to believe in herself but she had refused to take it from him. He had been left holding onto it for her, never intending to use it as part of the escape plan in case she wanted it. In his excitement, he had forgotten to leave it for her. It was still in his small stash of belongings which he couldn't be parted from.
As he sprinkled the dust from above his head, he closed his eyes and thought hard for a happy thought. Those had been very hard to come by in Neverland. He was home, he was going to be with his papa. He was finally free and protected, he was safe from Pan and was never going to be alone again. He smiled to himself as he felt his feet leave the ground. He opened his eyes and searched for the nearest lit window. Many of them were empty rooms, and no matter how much Bae tried, he couldn't get the windows open. Fear began to sink into his heart. Pan had told many stories to the Lost Ones; he had believed that they were to scare the younger children into needing him, into wanting to stay. Could some actually be true? There were stories which Pan told where children who managed to leave Neverland but couldn't get home because no one had left a window open. The parents had given up hope, much like the children in Neverland, and had closed the window for good, blocking the child from entering. The child wouldn't be able to open the doors or windows, they wouldn't been seen or heard from outside the house. Either because the parents had moved on and the child was no longer wanted, or they were simply forgotten. Pan told them stories of children who had been to Neverland for no more than a day but, when they went home, they had met their great nieces and nephews, many of which had been telling stories of their own to their grandchildren.
The stories had to be made up, Bae reasoned. Pan would do anything to keep his precious Lost Ones from wanting to go home. He would tell them anything in order to scare them into staying. There was no way that his papa had forgotten about him.
When he came upto his fifth window, he stopped and his worries melted away in a second. There he was, his papa. He was still the Dark One; his skin grey and glittered with gold, his stance more like a noble than that of a peasant, his leg - which had always seemed to hurt him - perfectly healed as it had been when he first changed. Bae couldn't bring himself to care. His father was there, but hadn't noticed him. He was looking at something outside of Bae's eyesight, a soft expression on his face.
Bae knocked on the window, holding his breath as he waited for his father's eyes to meet his. He could barely contain his smile. His father's attention didn't switch. Bae tried again, but ended up with the same result.
"Papa!" He called, knocking harder. Rumplestiltskin didn't seem to hear and Bae began to panic. He knocked frantically on the window as his father bowed dramatically. Bae's knocking faltered when a woman finally appeared within his eye-line. The woman was a maid, that much could be deducted from her attire, but she was very beautiful. Her brown, curly hair, cascaded down her back, shifting slightly as she walked towards his papa. She curtsied gracefully, a soft smile on her face. Bae watched silently as they moved closer towards each other and began to dance to a tune which Bae couldn't hear.
His father was happy. He was never able to find someone after his mothers 'death' - many women in their village either believed him to be a coward, was a friend of his mother's and had clearly taken her side in the break-up of the marriage, or he had been too nervous to get to know other than exchanging pleasantries. He finally had someone who he loved, that much was clear on his face - everything almost seemed perfect, except Bae wasn't there.
"Papa!" He called again, feeling a tightening in his throat as tears began to sting his eyes. He knocked on the window, surprised that his arm hadn't gone through it at the force which he was using. "Papa! Please, open the window!" The couple danced on, oblivious to the sobbing boy hovering twenty feet from the ground. "Papa... Please don't forget me. Please." Bae cried.
He could feel himself begin to lower, unable to find any happy thoughts to think about in order to keep himself up. He held onto the window-sill tightly, knocking feebly on the window. He did, however, let himself lower until he was hanging from the sill, the pixie dust no longer having any effect what-so-ever. He felt like he was intruding on a private moment, and he feared that, if he continued watching, the couple would soon be joined by his half brothers or sister. Brothers or sisters who would have a home, they would have a mother who loved them and would never give them up, and they would have papa. His papa. But, more theirs since they were there with him. They got that time with him. He was stuck where he belonged, on the outside looking in. He couldn't watch that.
It was like Pan had said. Grown-ups, particularly parents, were self-ish. They had children, and when those children go away, they forget about them as if they had never existed. He had just never expected his papa to be one of those people.
Finally, Bae's tears subsided until finally his grief and heartache was replaced by his previous anger and resentment. Why was he running back to his father in the first place? It was his fault anyway, all of it. Why would he want to go back? His father was a monster, and his new family were welcome to have him. Carefully, knowing that if he would fall he would be extremely unlikely to survive, Bae pulled the coconut containing the shadow out of his pocket.
As he was leaving with the shadow, he didn't looking back. It was for that reason that he didn't see Rumplestiltskin - who had seen a shadow pass over - looking at the window, only to return to his maid upon seeing nothing there.
...
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me