Chapter 1: Just thinking…

I was staring true the microscope in my lab and I was just thinking… about him. I shouldn't be thinking about him. I am trying really hard not to. So far it has worked… just a little… tiny bit. My thoughts of him actually are starting to fade away, but I know they will never disappear. Hell, I don't want them to disappear. I want them to stay close to me, I want him to be close to me. I shouldn't be wanting him and I will try very hard not to, not only for me, but also for the other guy.

Hurt? Off course I was hurt when I heard he had a (platonic) relationship with Lilah. Although I was extremely shocked and disappointed, I reacted kind of soft. Soft, because what I wanted to do was hit him, scratch him with my sharpest nails, yell at him… But I didn't. Good, old understanding Fred. I didn't want to be reliable, but I had to. My heart broke because of him. God when I think about it and I am living the moment now… If he would enter now, that wouldn't be wise for him.

"Fred!" someone shouted. Ugh, can't you be more quiet?!

"Fred!" , the voice shouted, a little softer. Oh, I recognized his voice, it was … "Knox, hi!

I am so sorry I didn't answer, I was just thinking…"

"Hey I am sure your thoughts were genius as always" Hmpf, if only you knew!

Knox is different. He isn't like Wes, he isn't one of "the gang", well at least what was left of it. But he's reliable, he has shown me respect and his feelings, in contary to other people! I think I like him enough to consider to go on a date with him.

"I wondered if our baby worked." He said, out of the blue.

"Excuse me?" I asked, a little surprised.

"Well, the grenade we made for the boss" he said. Oh yeah, the boss, Angel.

"Off course it did" I replied.

"You want to bet?" He asked, while he came closer to me.

"A bet ,if it worked?, come on how old are you Knox?"

"Afraid of the terms?" he asked.

"Off course not; name them" I said, God I was pretty sure of myself.

"Well," he said, coming closer to me, 'till we were only 3 inches apart ", I was thinking"

Oh my God, he is going to kiss me! Lean in Fred, lean in! Wait, do I really want this? Aw, come on! Look at the boy! He is hot and you like him and maybe you can start forgetting about him. As I was convinced we were going to kiss, a door suddenly slammed and I pulled away, fast, too fast. I saw him looking at me and he smiled and moved away from me.

God, I could hit myself with a hammer! I mean, it wasn't even the door of the lab and I just, I just… I just got scared? Oh my god, what if someone had walked in! What if he had walked in. Oh, there he is.. Wesley Wyndham Price.

He sets something on the table, the grenade, that means it didn't work.

"Was Angel mad?" I asked

"Shouldn't he be, we sent him out with a defective piece of weaponry." He replied, the smartass. I hated it, how he said "we".
"Which "we" are we talking about?" I said, sorry Wes, I need to canalize my frustration.

"Fred, these techno-mystical hybrids are a complicated affair." O, he said that so sweet, I just wanted to eat him like a cupcake!

Oh and there is Knox, he is so nice to me right now; probably side effects from before. Is it just me or is Wesley getting irritated. Don't image things that aren't there Fred, he is not in love with you. Did I said goodbye to Wesley. I don't remember and I pretend I don't care. But I do.

Are we doomed not to be together? Like Buffy and Angel? I hadn't seen them as a couple, but I've always thought they had been an amazing couple with a lot of drama off course and … passion, despite the way Spike mocks Angel and tells me how about their relationship. He doesn't know; he doesn't understand.

Buffy didn't like Angel at first, but then… Well we all know what happened. And her and Spike; I don't think is was the same love. Sure she cried and told him she loved him, but it was different. They also started out "not so friendly" but where did they end up?