Challenge: Unrequited Love challenge from hpliterotica
Anactoria
Algernon Charles Swinburne
Alas, that neither moon nor snow nor dew
Nor all cold things can purge me wholly through,
Assuage me nor allay me nor appease,
Till supreme sleep shall bring me bloodless ease;
Till time wax faint in all his periods;
Till fate undo the bondage of the gods,
And lay, to slake and satiate me all through,
Lotus and Lethe on my lips like dew,
And shed around and over and under me
Thick darkness and the insuperable sea.
I lean my forehead against the thick hard glass and stare down at the snowy scene below. I breathe in carefully through my nose and heavily out my mouth. Fog blooms across the glass and slowly disappears in reverse as I inhale. The figures outside blur as I focus on the hazy wetness appearing and disappearing with my breath. After a moment, I pull my robe over my mouth and nose, wipe away the frosty blur, and focus on the students below. The day is crisp and bright and almost every student is outside; some sip hot chocolate in a warmed spot under trees as if enjoying a summer's picnic. Others engage in The Snow Fight to End All Snow Fights currently taking place, each student for himself. The snow falls gently, even in the warmed area monitored by two bored professors.
I watch the four of them, skirting the edge of Forbidden Forest, build up their fort, and dominate the snow fight. Three times already, I see Sirius called back from pushing the boundaries. Little groups of students huddle behind snow forts all over, throwing snowballs that explode in house colours upon contact. Sirius has a blast of Slytherin green on his side and I grin watching him unconsciously paw at it. James is dotted in Ravenclaw and Gryffindor colours and Peter is covered nearly head to toe in Hufflepuff and one splotch of Gryffindor. Remus, however, is untouched. I smile proudly at that, until I see Sirius turn, obviously in response to something Remus says, and threaten him with both hands, a snowball in each. I tense, but Remus crosses his arms and looks up to the sky. My shoulders relax once I see his casual response to Sirius's threat.
Sirius backs down and turns to pelt the snowballs across the air. They arch perfectly because everything Sirius does looks perfect, even when it isn't. One misses, but the second pelts an unsuspecting girl and the snowball shimmers apart leaving her a walking glowing Gryffindor poster girl. Sirius looks triumphantly at Remus. Remus shrugs and turns away.
I look away from them, from him, for a moment.
Students wander all over, running, climbing, and flying. Some take part sporadically in the snow fight; some are simply innocent bystanders. A few play a lazy game of Quidditch without a snitch. I see one unlucky student covered in icy glittering snow in every colour but his own house's. A girl for whom perfection is everything is gesturing wildly to one of the professors complaining about and pointing at her now blue and green hair. I can fathom the professor's thoughts as if they were a bubble above his head. He holds a hand up limply and waves her across the field. She stomps away, her group of friends following a safe distance behind.
I let my gaze wander back to them, to him.
The midday sun makes sharp gold highlights on his hair. It's some shade between blonde and brown that should be unremarkable, but draws my eyes like a flare. There is a desultory nature to his movements and I get the feeling he doesn't really want to be out there. James and Sirius pelt and plot with abandon; even from here, it is obvious they lead the group. Remus and Peter keep up the rear, though as close as they are to the Forbidden Forest, that's an easy job. Peter excitedly tries to break into the duo, but Remus sits back, eyeing the forest or gazing up at the sky. It's not my imagination that he wants to escape. My mouth forms his two syllables, silently fogging the glass, blurring his form. I sigh, touching my lips against the cold window. Frowning and shaking my head slightly I pull back, wipe the fog away, the cold glass chilling my fingers. Once again, I pull my robe back over my mouth.
Remus is leaning back, arms folded, eyes closed, yet facing the sky. A snowball bounces toward him. It falls lightly onto his chin and explodes, covering his jumper in Gryffindor red and gold. Remus's eyes snap open and he looks down, open-mouthed, in shock. Sirius, the guilty, laughs. Remus tackles him, stuffs snow down his jumper, on his forehead, finally pulls him over, and smacks a snowball against his arse. I can't help but smile at the playfulness of it.
James bounces a snowball in his hand speculatively and finally pierces the air with it, the target an unaware Slytherin. Victory in hand, they soon abandon their fort and head toward the warmed area for cocoa. Remus wraps both hands around his mug as a child would and drinks deeply. I can't see from here but I wonder if there is chocolate left in the corners of his mouth.
I see him look up, toward my window. The sun is arcing across the sky like their snowballs, hitting them at angles. He raises his hand to shield his eyes. He calls out; I can see his mouth move and then he raises his other hand to gesture. My heart jumps in my chest and it almost hurts. I raise my hand to the window, stupidly waving it even though I know he can't see from here. James and Sirius join him and then run off toward something I can't see, Pettigrew trailing behind them, like always.
I'm worse than Peter. I'm not even a tag-a-long. I could never be a part of them. Anywhere I come across them, Sirius turns from me, and they follow, walking away. Remus always turns last, a small sympathetic smile on his face. My wave falters and my fingertips and palm fall on the ice-cold glass.
I push the window open and a blast of icy air rushes in through the small frame. I close my eyes and let it blow through my hair and cool my flushed face. Now I can hear them. The sound is a blur with occasional words and sentences clear enough to understand. I strain to hear as I look toward them, hoping I can hear him yell at Sirius, laugh with Peter, or conspire with James. I'm not so high and far away that I couldn't hear that, but with most of the entire school out there, it's nearly a lost cause.
Not that I give up easily.
Eventually the sun makes its way to the far side of the lake and the shadows stretch further across the snow. I'm shivering from the cold; my muffler wrapped twice around my neck and covering my ears. I pull my arms out of my robe and wrap it closer around me.
They have taken to the sky now, flying in lazy circles and dips over the lake and along the border to the forest. Again, a professor has called Sirius down three times for going beyond the boundaries.
Remus stays low to the ground. I don't think he likes flying much. He isn't bad, but it's like he does it because he should, not because he wants to. I wouldn't make him fly if he didn't want to fly. He sits almost primly on his broom, an old cast-off of Sirius's, eating an apple. I don't think he has a broom of his own.
They land as the professors' clap their hands and call everyone in. Remus is last, trailing behind them, taking a last look to the sky. I lean further, hoping he can see me, but he pulls his robe around him and runs when Sirius yells for him. Then they are gone. The field is quiet.
Sighing, I pull the window closed, shrug back into my robe, and set my shoulders. I untangle my muffler and drape it properly. Rubbing my hands together, I leave the small unobtrusive room. The door disappears behind me as soon as the lock clicks into place.
I walk slowly back to the Slytherin dungeons, trailing my fingers along the wall and across paintings.
"Regulus? You shouldn't be here." Remus cocked an eyebrow as he tilted his head. "How did you get in here?" he asked, a small smile playing about his lips.
I stared at him for a moment, unable to speak. Wetting my lips, I answered him, my voice shaking. "I… heard the, er, the passw…." My voice trailed off. I couldn't think straight. My heart was beating so fast I felt light-headed. He said my name. He spoke to me, for the first time ever, and now he's looking at me, waiting for me to respond. Remus stepped toward me, arm out. "Regulus? Are you all right?" The trepidation in his voice and on his face was too much. I couldn't help it. I took a step back. His voice was soft and tinted with concern. No one had ever spoken to me like that, asking if I was all right and then wanting to know the answer. It was unknown to me. Sirius came in and came at me, a blank look of disgust on his face, but Remus ran him off and put a hand on my shoulder. "Are you sure you're all right?" I shrugged, not trusting myself to speak and he walked me back to the Slytherin dungeons. I was silent. His hand stayed on my shoulder the entire time. He spoke conversationally and meaninglessly. Just calm pleasantries, though I don't recall a word he said that night, other than my name. He smiled at me before leaving me. "Be careful, Regulus." Three times is a charm, right? I watched him walk away and stood there for a long time before entering.
Ending my reverie, I enter the Commons Room. It's empty save for one; Severus looks up from the desk furthest from the fire. He frowns when he sees my cold red cheeks. I stand still for a moment by the fire, arms around myself, hunched in, shivering. I look down as he approaches. He reaches a hand out and touches the back of it to my cheek.
"Regulus, you are chilled to the bone, what have you been doing?" He pauses, staring at me. "Please don't tell me you were spying on those ridiculous Gryffindors."
I shake my head but don't look him in the eye.
"Regulus?"
I look up. His shrewd glance somehow feels awkward, unsure, but his mouth opens with realisation and he shakes his head. His expression is torn between pity and disgust. He knows. He can see that far in and I certainly don't hide it.
"I can do whatever I want," I mumble. He isn't quite like the rest of them, demanding this and that of me, telling me who to follow, what to wear, whom to hate. Most of the time, I do it simply because I don't care. He doesn't understand it, but mostly he only shakes his head at me and pushes me low on the back to goad me when no else can see. "You don't understand." I tear my robe off and hurry off to my room, leaving Severus staring after me bemusedly.
If I could only talk to him alone, I'm ready now. I know what I'll say this time; I won't get scared. I know he will understand. I know he won't demand of me, command me, and direct me like everyone else does. I know he won't deny me. He will only open his arms and hold me; part my lips and possess me. His teeth and fingerprints could score and mark me as his. He could peel back the secrets and layers of my mind until the emptiness at my core lay before him, ready to disappear inside of him, never to be seen again.
I pull the duvet over me and curl into myself on the bed, angry tears in my eyes, arms wrapped around my knees.
He would be quiet in moments like this, just listening to my breathing, nothing else. His hand barely touching my shoulder, body close and warm next to mine.
He will mould me with his hands, pull me apart and rebuild me, rearrange me until I fit. He'll smooth my edges and fill my empty spaces. He'll remind me how to smile at someone and give me a reason to wake up. He'll listen to the desert inside and show me where the sound is. I know he will.
Remus understands me. I know he does.
He's the only one.
end
Standard Disclaimer: These are not my characters. All rights belong to JK Rowling. I use them solely for the purpose of fandom and intend nothing more than that.