We all know how Archie despises MIke's "freeloader" attitude of staying at the Bunkers without paying for room and board. Mike always counters that he promised Archie, that as soon as he'll graduate from college and get a job, he'll pay Archie back for everything, including interest.
Mike's payoff time finally comes through.
(Edith running in and out of the kitchen, setting up a very festive looking dining room table)
(Archie walking down the stairs, dressed in a suit and tie)
Archie (between cigar puffs)
Edith, how are your preparations coming along?
Edith Just fine Archie. Dinner's almost ready. And not a minute too soon. The children will be here any minute now.
Archie To tell you the truth Edith, I'd never thought I'd live to see this day. The day that the Meathead finally pays me off for the five years they stayed here.
Edith I'm so glad that Mike finally can stand on his own two feet.
Archie Knowing that this Polak eats like an animal, I'm surprised he's not standing on his own four feet.
Edith Oh Archie, please!
(There's a knock on the door, and Mike, Gloria and Joey walk in)
(Edith hugs Gloria and kisses Joey, and Archie and Mike shake hands)
(Now, everyone is seated at the table, and passing around the portions)
Archie (just as Mike chews off a large portion of meat)
So Meathead, you've finally earned enough to pay me back, huh?
Mike Arch, I'm a man of my word, and in my jacket pocket I have a check for every single penny I ever owed you, plus interest.
But Arch, please, let's enjoy the lavish dinner that Ma prepared.
Archie What a show off. He's working as a gas station attendant, and uses such words as "lavish".
Gloria (very upset)
Daddy, Mike is still studying to be a professor. Don't put him down. He works hard besides for studying so that he can support his own family, besides for paying you back everything he owes you.
Edith Archie, Gloria, please, let's enjoy our dinner without fighting.
(Dinner is cleared away, and everyone takes their regular seats in the living room)
Archie So Meathead, are we ready for the big moment?
Mike We sure are. Here we go.
(Mike pulls an envelope from his pocket and hands it to Archie)
(Archie feels the envelope as if it's sacred parchment)
(Archie now opens up the envelope, and examines its content)
Archie (reading the check)
$45.18 - to the electric company?
Mike (grabbing the check from Archie)
I'm terribly sorry Archie, I handed you the wrong envelope. Let me take out the other one.
(Mike fiddling through his pockets, but not finding anything else)
Mike (all nervous)
Gloria, I can't believe it. I don't have your father's envelope. Do you know where it could be?
Gloria (nervous too)
No Michael, I haven't seen it either. I'm sure you wrote out the check and put it in your pocket.
Michael Gloria, I better go home to look for it.
Archie (chuckling)
Hey atheist, maybe say a little prayer on the way home, to find the check.
Michael Very funny Arch, I'm going to completely ignore what you just said.
Archie Of course you'll ignore it. You'll be an atheist even in the foxhole.
Let me tell you something. When I was in Italy in World War II - the Big One - you couldn't have been an atheist even if you wanted to. The bombs were flying left and right. Every soldier know that his life was in God's hands. And here you are, living in peaceful America in the 1970's, and dare call yourself an atheist.
Michael Arch. we can discuss that when I return - with your check.
Archie I think I should say that prayer, if I ever want to see that money.
And by the way Meathead, how much did you figure you owe me, anyway?
Michael Well Archie, I figured it out this way. And I suggest you take an aspirin, as the math may be above your head.
(Archie giving Mike that angered look)
Michael The ads in the Times have it that rent of a three bedroom apartment is $300. But since we're only renting one room, that'd make it come out to $100 a month.
But since we have rights to use the kitchen, living room and bathroom, that will push it up to $150.
However, we do compromise on privacy since you and Ma are living with us, so I'd say that should bring it down to $125.
As far as food goes, Gloria and I consume about $2.50 worth of food daily, equaling to $75 a month.
So all together, room and board for us equals $200 a month, and that adds up to $2400 a year. Since we've been living here for five years, that totals $12,000.
And if interest is charged at the rate of 5%, that makes it $600, for a grand total of $12,600 that I owe you.
So once I go home and find that check, you'll be $12,600 richer.
(Michael leaves the house)
(Archie now showing a very guilty face)
Gloria Daddy, are you alright?
Edith Archie, maybe I should call Dr. Shapiro?
Archie No no Edith, I'm fine. I just didn't realize that Michael owes me so much money. I'm not sure that he can afford all of that. And I just can't take it from him.
Gloria (sounding very emphatic)
Daddy, we insist. We only decided to live here under the terms that we would pay you back everything after Mike got a job.
Archie Yea, but Gloria, $12,600, that's a lot of money. How can you afford it?
Gloria Mike and I have been saving up as much as we can over the years, so we can pay you back.
Archie Edith, what do you think? I'm starting to feel real guilty taking this money from the kids.
Edith Archie, I don't know what to tell you. But just like Mike's been saying all along that he's a man of his word, maybe you should be a man of your word too, and accept the money.
Archie Yea, but Edith, I never thought it would be this amount of money.
Edith, get me an aspirin, I'm starting to feel sick.
(Mike returns to the house, with a shocked face)
Gloria Michael, are you alright?
Michael (barely able to get the words out of his mouth)
Gloria, I've gone through the entire house, but the check is nowhere to be found. I'm afraid I've lost is somewhere, and someone besides your father will cash it.
Gloria Don't worry Michael, first thing tomorrow morning we'll call the bank to cancel the check.
But before we talk about that, I think you and Daddy need to have a little conversation.
Michael (still somewhat shocked)
Gloria, I'm in trauma now. Must you add insult to injury?
Gloria Michael, stop it. I"m serious. Daddy needs to speak to you, and I suggest both of you go to the kitchen for a man-to-man conversation.
Michael This doesn't sound too promising.
(Archie and Michael go to the kitchen, and sit at the table to have a talk)
Michael Arch, I know what you're going to tell me. You're going to say how much of a freeloader I was, and that when finally I'm ready to pay you off, I'm acting like a dumb Polak by losing your check.
So please Arch, spare the harsh words, and don't say anything. We'll cancel the check tomorrow, and get you a new one, okay?
Archie Michael, no, no, please, that's not what I wanted to discuss with you.
Michael (interrupting)
"Michael"? Archie, are you all right?
Archie (continuing, ignoring the interruption)
You know, you and I have our differences.
MIchael (cutting Archie off)
Really? I never realized that.
Archie (continuing his thought)
Your mother-in-law and I have been thinking about this lately. You know, the amount you said before - $12,600 - that's quite a big sum, and I don't feel comfortable taking it from you and Gloria.
I realized that you lived here for all these years, and I only allowed it because I trusted you to pay me back, despite the freeloader attitude.
But now I feel real guilty.
I know you and I almost never have a heart-to-heart conversation, but this is one of those times that Archie Bunker's feelings win over his thoughts.
Michael (looking very confused)
Gee Archie, I don't know what to say. On one hand I see where you're coming from. But on the other hand, feelings are not germane to money-matters.
Archie I thought you was Polish, not German.
Michael (totally ignoring Archie's statement)
May I suggest the following? I will pay you the full amount - $12,600 - but in ten installments. This way we will meet our budget better, and you won't feel guilty taking it all in one lump sum.
Archie Just like I said before that I never thought I'd see the day you'd pay me off, so too I never thought I'd ever say this:
(Archie hesitates for a moment, then continues)
Archie Meathead, you're not such a dumb Polak after all.