If you're listening to this, then you have already heard the rumors. Maybe you've already heard the other 13 tapes. You probably have, Karina, god knows he couldn't keep a secret like that from you. But that's okay, I wanted you to hear them, even though you weren't on them. You were the exception. You deserved to know the truth too.
But you also deserved to be excused. You were never supposed to have a tape – you were the only person who actually tried. But my last day…the last time you saw me, you gave up on me too. That's why you're getting this tape. I didn't make a copy of it, I didn't send it with the others. No, your tape was for your ears only.
So, Karina, what do you have to say for yourself?
Karina Torres stared blankly ahead. She had received the little cassette tape in the mail that day, having stopped home before her father got off work, only to find him already there, passed out on the couch. She didn't need to stick around to see what came next, she knew he was drunk and as soon as he woke he would take his anger out of her. He always did. So instead, she started the long way down to Tony's house, the cassette playing in her ears. She recognized the handwriting on the package as soon as she saw it. Hannah had been her best friend since she moved there her Freshman year. While Karina was a year older than Hannah, the two grew very close, very quickly, mostly because Karina had begged the Baker's for a job at their pharmacy.
That was how Hannah met Tony. Tony had been Karina's best friend since they were kids. Karina was barely eight the first time they met and from there on out they were closer than ever. The three got somewhat close throughout the years, but Hannah never really considered Tony a close friend. They hung out every now and then or worked on projects together, but that was about it.
The day Hannah died, she left a package containing 7 tapes on Tony's doorstep. No note, no explanation, nothing. Karina remembered the day vividly, because she sat beside her best friend while they listened to the tapes, skipping over parts to see where they fit in.
But they didn't. Not until now.
"Kit, you look like you saw a ghost," Tony called from under the hood of his Mustang. "What's wrong?"
"Did you know Hannah left this?" She asked. Karina hated her name, so nearly everyone, including teachers, called her Kit.
"That's not one of the…no, I didn't," he said, eyes widening when he realized that this tape wasn't numbered. This tape had Kit's name written on it with purple nail polish instead of the blue the others had.
"It came in the mail today," she muttered, sitting down on the curb. Tony nodded and went back to tuning up his car, giving Kit a chance to listen to the tape some more.
Do you remember the last time you saw me? The last time you talked to me? Do you?
Of course she did, they were sitting in her room when Tony called her, telling her she needed to get over to his house fast. Tony's older brother, Jose, had gotten himself into some kind of trouble and Tony needed her help coming up with a way to keep him out of jail. Kit was always good at smooth talking the cops, mostly because they felt bad for her. They all knew what her old man did to her, but he was a lawyer, he was able to pull strings and keep any charges from coming up against him. Besides, Kit didn't have any other family, so until she turned 18, she was stuck.
I looked at you and begged you not to go. I said I needed your help. But you said Tony needed you too. That you would come back as soon as you could. That you owed Tony. You always owed Tony, isn't that how it worked, Karina? Tony gave you somewhere to lay low and you came whenever he called? Shitty friendship, huh?
It wasn't like that. That night…that night Tony really did need her help. Jose was running out of chances before he did hard time. Kit owed the Padilla family more than Hannah would ever understand.
I gave you the chance Karina. You knew everything, you knew more than anyone else, but you left anyway. You left and well, the rest is history. You left me. Just like everyone else.
The other tapes hadn't been so…so painful. They weren't pointing fingers like this one was. Kit felt her insides tighten, suddenly grateful she had skipped lunch that day. She hit pause, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.
She must have looked as awful as she felt, because when Tony turned around, his eyes catching her face, he swiftly threw the wrench aside, his arms pulling her into a tight hug.
"We need to drive, somewhere, anywhere," she managed to choke out. Tony nodded and closed the hood of his car, motioning for her to get in. She did, but she wasn't truly aware of doing so. Her heart was racing in her chest, her mind being pulled in a million different directions.
"Tony, it's all my fault," she whispered.
"It's not," Tony tried to reason, searching her eyes. He hadn't heard that tape. He didn't know what it contained. He wasn't sure he wanted to.
Kit needed him to hear it though. He had heard the others, she needed him to know why it hurt so much. She rewound the tape before popping it out of the cassette player she didn't even remember owning until a couple hours before. She tossed it in the back seat, before pushing the tape into the tape player of Tony's car.
If you're listening to this, then you have already heard the rumors. Maybe you've already heard the other 13 tapes. You probably have, Karina, god knows he couldn't keep a secret like that from you. But that's okay, I wanted you to hear them, even though you weren't on them. You were the exception. You deserved to know the truth too.
"What the hell?" Tony muttered. They pulled away from the curb as the tape kept playing. Kit ignored what she had already heard, she couldn't bring herself to listen to Hannah blame her all over again.
So, Karina, what do you have to say for yourself?
Tony hit pause, his eyes tearing over. Kit stole a glance at him, long enough to see him swerve ever so slightly. She placed a hand on his arm before nodding towards the hill they often climbed when they needed to blow off steam. He nodded and turned, getting them there in record time. They normally parked at the bottom of the cliff, but that day, Tony drove right up the path in the back, parking the mustang as soon as they reached the top.
Kit hit play, letting Hannah's voice fill the car again.
I honestly hope you keep this tape to yourself, Karina. God knows Tony doesn't need to hear it. He probably blames himself enough as it is. Then again, you both suck at keeping secrets from one another.
But you kept mine. Maybe if you didn't, maybe if you broke your promise to me and told him, well maybe you wouldn't be listening to me on this stupid tape, huh? Maybe, just maybe you two could have stopped me.
Kit suddenly felt sick. She pushed the car door open with so much force, she was almost certain it would snap off. She reeled away just in time for what little was in her stomach to empty itself on the dirt. She heaved again and again until there was nothing left to expel from her body. Shaking, she wiped her mouth, pushing a stray strand of hair out of her face.
"Breathe, Tony's shaky voice came from behind her. She felt his hand on her shoulder as her own fell to her knees in a weak attempt to steady herself. "We don't have to listen to it, you know."
"I owe it to her, Tony," she whispered, her voice breaking. It hurt Tony to see her like that. Kit was one of the strongest people he knew. She put up with everything life threw at her and never seemed to lose that spark. But in that moment, standing there, her entire body trembling, he knew Hannah had finally hit her where it hurt.
Keeping the door open just in case, Kit sat back down, her knees to her chest as she hit play.
I'm not the first of your friends to kill theirself, am I, Karina? You told me the story, not long after we first became friends. Maybe you just had a bad taste in friends, or maybe you're just a shitty friend after all.
"That's not fair," she moaned. Hannah was referring to Jayson, a friend she had lost a long time ago. He was a friend from her childhood, who killed himself when she was 12. That was why she always protected Tony so much. She couldn't lose another person that way. Yet here she was.
Tony tensed. He knew that Hannah was hitting low blow after low blow. It wasn't fair. She hadn't done that to the others, she hadn't blamed them straight out like this. He couldn't understand why she had to do this to Kit. Kit of all people. He wanted to take the tape and destroy it, but he also knew Kit would hate him if he did. Kit was stubborn, but she always sought out the truth. She didn't believe rumors or lies. Lying to Kit was the worst crime you could commit.
That wasn't fair, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm just so…so hurt right now. I knew everyone on my list would let me down, but you? Do you know I didn't even want to come to you? Because I knew you could talk me down? I knew you could force me to get help and find a reason to live? Did you know that?
No. You didn't or you wouldn't have left.
Your loyalty is amazing, Karina, it really is. It's something to be reckoned with. Tony's lucky to have someone like you in his life. Especially now. I just wish you would have been that person for me. If you had been…well you know.
Karina, I didn't want to make this tape. I didn't want to make you feel any worse than I'm sure you already do. But you needed to know. Just like the others, you needed to know how you fit into this sad, twisted tale.
You were my one reason to live, but you blew your chance to save me. That's why your tape isn't with the others. Because if anyone knew…if anyone knew you left me that day, they would hate you. They would ruin you. And that's not what I intend to do. No, I just need you to know. I need you to know the truth.
This is the last tape. Cherish it – you have my voice, you can listen to it any time. Weren't you the one who said you would have done anything to hear Jayson's voice one last time? Well, unlike him, I'm giving you that. I'm giving you my voice.
This is Hannah Baker, signing out. For good this time.
Kit couldn't breathe. The car suddenly felt too small. She stepped out, letting the cool air wrap around her in a feeble attempt to ease the ache that burned in her chest. She caught sight of Tony, who looked both broken and sick. She thought he was going to puke, his hands gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were white.
She took a deep breath then did what she always did. She went to the drivers side of the car, opened the door and forced Tony's hands from the wheel, pulling him out, her arms wrapped protectively around him. He collapsed into her embrace, tears falling silently from his eyes. Together they sank to the ground, tears falling freely now, both lost in their own thoughts.
"She…I didn't know, you…you could have…" Tony stammered. Kit had only ever seen Tony that broken up one other time in their entire friendship, and it was for an entirely different reason. "If you told me you were with her…"
"I didn't think she was going to kill herself," Kit croaked. "I should have seen the signs…I was right there…I…"
Suddenly the world began to slip in and out of view. Kit felt her heart racing all too fast, her body going numb. Even after losing Jayson, she hadn't lost her grip that badly. She tried to breathe, tried to bring herself back to reality, but she couldn't. Tony sensed that and tried to coax her back, like they had done with Clay only days before.
"Hey, hey, c'mon, come back to me," Tony whispered, his face almost touching hers. "Karina, come on."
Kit blinked, unable to shake the sinking feeling from her mind. She tensed, suddenly overly aware of everything. Then nothing. Everything went black.