This morning while I was watching Stargate I thought it would be hilarious to have the Housos in the Pegasus Galaxy facing the Wraith and stuff. So I drabbled a bit and this is the result. It's very offensive so do not read if you are not mature and don't understand the term swearing.
Also, I couldn't find 'Housos' on any of the categories (probably because it's an Australian show) so it should be a Crossover. If you've never seen it or heard of it, Season 2 is on YouTube but I wouldn't recommend it because it's very adult. You probably won't understand much of this if you haven't seen the show or are unfamiliar with Aussie slang.
Hi! Well, it's been a hectic few days on the block. Just let me set the scene for you.
Vanessa is stuck home with the kids, trying to call Kev and wondering where he is. Kev is exploring a warehouse on the other side of the pipes. Dazza's stolen his mum's heart pills again and swallowed them all, leaving him delirious and giggling in the front yard while Shazza's inside watching TV. And Frankie? Well, he's running from the copper's again.
It's not going to be just another day on the block.
"Come on man!" Frankie yelled. He beckoned the policeman and the dumb guy followed. "You guys are, like, dumb as shit," Frankie giggled, darting away. He leapt over fences while the policeman panted behind him, getting further and further away.
"I've gotta cut down on the Macca's," he gasped, collapsing.
Grinning, Frankie ran on until he reached Dazza's house. The dipshit was lying outside on the ground, staring up at the sky.
"Look!" he cried as Frankie knelt beside him. "I can see a rainbow pony!"
"Nah mate," Frankie said, "that shit's Shrek." A moment later Frankie's phone rang and he answered it. "Hello. It is me."
"Ah, Frankie bro!" It was Kev, another Houso from the Housing Commission. "I found something pretty sweet in one of the warehouses on the other side of the pipes. Hehe. Get my missus and bring Dazza and Shaz. It's gonna be big. Hehe."
"Yeah, sure mate," Frankie replied before ending the call. "Look Daz, we're going on an adventure."
A moment later the door to his house crashed open and Shazza came barreling down the path. "What shit has that fuckwit smoked this time!" she shrieked.
"My mum's heart pills," Dazza giggled, rolling over. "Oh, come on Frankie, let's go meet Kev! Where's Vanessa! She's coming too!"
"What the fuck are you on about!" Shazza shrieked.
"Kev reckoned he found something pretty cool in one of the warehouses," Frankie explained. "You guys stay here. I'm gonna get us some transportation."
Shazza angrily kicked Dazza, her defacto, and he got up shakily. Moments later Frankie arrived on the road driving a huge firetruck.
"Oh yeah, real smart Frankie!" Shazza yelled, helping Dazza up into it. "A good way to get us in the shit's!"
"Look, we can pick up Vanessa on the way and then go see what Kev's all excited about," Frankie replied.
Soon, Vanessa was in the truck with them and they were pulling up at the warehouse where Kev was standing outside, looking pleased with himself. Vanessa marched up to him before the truck was turned off and the other three joined them.
"So what's this big surprise mate," Frankie said.
"Just follow me. Hehe," Kev said, grinning crazily. He led them into the warehouse, Dazza stumbling everywhere, and they stood in front of the most peculiar device. It was round and had lots of symbols in front of it. There was a second device with symbols on it too, but it had a red button thing in the middle.
"Uh, so how do we make this work?" Frankie asked.
"I know!" Dazza shrieked excitedly. "I can see the symbols in front of me. Wow, that shit mum takes is strong!" He ran up to the second device and pressed a sequence of numbers. The round device whirred and spun and Frankie jumped up and down with excitement. Where would this lead? As soon as Dazza pressed the red thingy in the middle a blue kawhoosh appeared and the circle rippled with water.
"Let's go!" Dazza exclaimed. "This is gonna be epic!"
He grabbed Shazza and dragged her through the puddle. Frankie shrugged and followed.
"Kev, if this is some kind of sick joke you're gonna pay," Vanessa snarled to her defacto before dragging him in behind her.
It was a most peculiar sensation. They felt like their bodies were being torn apart and put back together. Suddenly they were thrown forward onto hard stone.
"Ah, fuck!" Shazza screamed. "Dazza I am going to murder you!"
Frankie stumbled to his feet just in time to see Shazza kick Dazza. Kev and Vanessa landed beside him and stood quickly. Kev stared around at their surroundings.
"This is fully sick bro. Hehe," he laughed. "I mean, look at them alien things! It's like something out of TV!"
They all looked to where he was pointing and saw a group of aliens with long white hair pointing guns at them.
"Ah excuse me," Frankie began, "we were wondering-"
Whatever he was going to say was cut off when they were all hit by blue beams at exactly the same time and were knocked out.
They woke up in a chamber, lying on the ground.
"Ow, shit! I think I did my back in!" Shazza groaned. Dazza helped her up and punched Kev.
"Now you did it!" he yelled. "We have no idea where the fuck we are and how we're gonna get back! Those pills wore off man and I can't see things in rainbow anymore! We're fucked! Thanks for getting us into this mess you asshole!"
"Oy!" Vanessa yelled. "Don't you say that shit to Kev! I'm the only one who can say that! I've got the bestest ass in all of Sunnyvale!"
"Nah, nah Vanessa," Shazza said calmingly, "I don't think we're in Sunnyvale anymore. Did you see those things? They're definitely aliens."
"First Ned Kelly and now aliens," Dazza whimpered. "Ah fuck!"
A door that they hadn't noticed before opened and two of the white-haired aliens entered. They pointed at Frankie.
"You, come with us," one said in a multi-layered voice. Frankie shrugged and followed them. The others panicked when he was taken.
"They're gonna probe ya!" Dazza yelled fearfully to Frankie's retreating pack. The aliens led him through several corridors and into a room where another alien - a female alien - stood. She gestured to them and the two aliens left them alone.
"Where do you come from?" she asked silkily.
"Uh, the housing commission in Sunnyvale," Frankie said. "Hey, look, I know you're like, an alien and everything, but d'you want a root?"
She stared at him. "Root?"
"You know. Fuck."
"I am not familiar with that term."
"Let me show you."
He rooted her on the floor and was done in a minute. She stood, brushing off her clothes and stared at him.
"I may keep you yet," she hissed. "Do the others... root too?"
"Oh, nah mate. Dazza and Kev have defactos who would kill them if you rooted them. You're stuck with me."
She hissed and the two other aliens took him from the room, tossing him back with the others.
"What did they want?" Dazza asked. "Did they probe you? Did they take you to their leader?"
"Nah. I think she wanted a root."
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah. Like, imagine saying that one back home: I rooted an alien."
"She better not touch you Kev," Vanessa growled, "or I'll do one of those other aliens for revenge!"
"Hey, d'you reckon they've got any drugs here?" Shazza asked. "I'm dyin' for a smoke right now."
Before anyone could reply the door opened and one of the aliens came through. It reached for Dazza, who stared at it stupidly. He screamed when it slammed a hand to his chest.
"MUM!" he cried. Then, to everyone's surprise, the alien grunted and fell to the ground unmoving.
"You think it's dead?" Frankie asked. He took off his thong and nudged the alien. It was dead. "Fuck, man. You killed it!"
"But how?"
"It was trying to suck your blood and, like, you've got so much shit in your system it probably died of, like, a drug overdose. Good on ya mate!"
"Sweet bro!" Kev grinned.
"I killed an alien I killed an alien!"
"That's nice babe," Shazza said, "but I still haven't got my smoke yet!"
Hours later they heard explosions and the door opened suddenly.
"Reckon we should make a run for it?" Shazza asked.
"Yeah. Come on!" Frankie hissed. They wandered up the corridors for a few minutes and one of the aliens appeared in front of them, raising its gun. "Oh no you don't! I'll thong you!" Frankie yelled, ripping off one of his thongs and smashing the alien in the head. It groaned and crumpled. "Yeah, you like that? You like that thonging? Stupid fucker."
"Do you know where we're going bro?" Kev asked.
They continued on and Frankie suddenly raised a hand. "I hear something," he hissed. The five of them crouched down and saw a group of people coming this way. Frankie stood and ran towards them. "Hey! Are you guys aliens?"
"Who the hell are you?" one of them asked, raising his gun. Frankie stopped dead in his tracks.
"I am Frankie, this is Kev, Vanessa, Dazza and Shazza. We came through the circle thing," Frankie said stupidly.
"I'm Sheppard, this is McKay, Ronon and Teyla," said Sheppard lowering his gun. "Teyla, McKay, take these guys to the Gate and wait for us. Hold it as long as you can."
"Yes Colonel," Teyla said. The five Housos followed Teyla and McKay outside and into the light.
"Where were we?" Shazza asked.
"You were in a Wraith facility on M87-529," McKay explained.
"Uh..."
"Never mind."
They stood in Weir's office and she scrutinised them.
"So they were just, there?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am," Sheppard replied. "They were just there."
"Where are you from?" Weir asked Shazza.
"We're from the housing commission in Sydney, Australia," she replied. "Look, have you got anything to smoke here? I'm dying for a bong or something."
Weir raised her eyebrow. "Colonel, we should probably send these people back to Earth ASAP. Take them to a holding cell, but I want to talk to you." She pointed at Kev.
Sheppard, Ronon and Teyla took the other four and Kev stared at Weir.
"You were the one who found the Gate?" she asked.
"Yeah. Hey, you wanna do a little something-something. Hehe." He grinned crazily.
"Excuse me?"
Kev pushed her back on the desk and began to screw her, causing her to gasp and forget herself.
On the way to the holding cell Vanessa glared at Sheppard.
"I bet he's screwing her right now," she said angrily. "You wanna root me? I've got the bestest ass in all of Sunnyvale!"
"Uh, yeah, sure," Sheppard shrugged. The group was so far ahead of them that no one had heard a thing. He opened the door to an empty room, pushed her inside and did her against the wall as fast as possible, in case his teammates missed him. He had no idea why he agreed to this, but he didn't care.
They rejoined the others soon after and Frankie and Teyla had mysteriously disappeared, only to come into view with Teyla looking distinctly disheveled. The Atlantis team put the four strangers in a holding cell and left them there. Kev joined them soon after.
"Did you root her!" Vanessa shrieked. He shifted. "You did! I knew you did! Well I've got my revenge and screwed that Sheppard guy!"
"I did Teyla," Frankie smirked. "Look Vanessa, this is awesome. We've met aliens and everything. All that's missing is the bong."
"Nah bro," Kev grinned. "I swiped a little something from her drawer while she had her eyes closed." He held up a bottle of bourbon and a pack of cigarettes he'd smuggled under his shirt.
The five Housos drank and smoked happily until everything was finished and they were all pissed. Ronon, Sheppard and a group of soldiers came in to get them and rolled their eyes at how drunk the five of them were. Kev swung at Ronon drunkenly but missed. Ronon set his gun to stun and shot him, but Kev appeared unfazed.
"That tickles bro. Hehe," he giggled.
Eventually the five of them were dragged to the Gateroom and pushed through the Stargate.
"Well, I'm certainly glad they're gone," Ronon growled. Sheppard shrugged, wondering if he would meet Vanessa again. Weir joined them.
"You're not the only one," she told Ronon.
"Didn't you-" he broke off at a look from her and a flush appeared on her face.
"Yes. Never mention this again."
"Yes ma'am."
The five Housos appeared in the warehouse again. Kev giggled and slung an arm around Vanessa, who didn't know any better now that she was smashed. Dazza stared at the device with the button but couldn't remember what he dialled before.
"Look man, just forget about it," Frankie said. "It was a one-night stand alright?"
Kev and Vanessa disappeared and Shazza pulled at Dazza.
"Come on babe," she said. "Let's go. When we get back we can go to the room straight away okay?"
"Ah yes! Now you're talkin'!" Dazza whooped and ran off with Shazza, leaving Frankie standing and staring at the device.
"What the fuck is that thing," he wondered to himself. Feeling a little giddy, he stumbled outside, squeezing his eyes shut at the harsh light. There was a shout from behind him.
"Falzoni! You are so dead!"
He spun around and saw a cop racing after him. Groaning, Frankie turned tail and did what he did best: ran.
Like I said, it was a hectic few days. See you around, next time you're on the block.
I don't like Weir, so I was mean and tried to discredit her as much as I could (who could tell?!) and I did my best to work with the characters' personalities as to how they react.
But I hope you got a laugh out of it. I sure had fun writing it!