She comes by again.
Josie knew it would happen, the window open and awaiting Toni's lithe body to slide through it, into her room, her bed, her arms. She lies there waiting, unable to sleep, memories flooding her mind, tears prickling behind closed eyelids.
It had been years since Toni had first broken in, unaware the mayor's daughter stayed at home while her mother had the Town Hall meeting. Josie had stumbled across an eleven year-old Toni rummaging through her fridge, surprised at the sight of the small girl grabbing food from inside. Not much, not anything that would have been noticed, but the girl seems so happy, humming softly to herself.
She had jumped when she saw Josie, the apple in her hand slipping to the floor. And Josie had bent down, picking up the rolling fruit, holding it out to her. It is a hesitant response, Toni taking it slowly, watching her warily. Josie doesn't remember exactly what she said, and every time she thinks of the moment it is always slightly different. But she remembers with clarity the pounding inside her chest when she asks the strange girl in her kitchen if she wanted to come upstairs with her. To talk, to eat the snacks she knew was hidden around the kitchen. To be her friend.
She follows Josie with a smile on her face.
The first night forges a friendship. She shows the new girl her music room, her collection of CD's. She turns, a toothy grin on her face as she whispers in hushed tones that her name is Josie, Josie McCoy and she was going to become a famous singer.
The other girl had watched her with wide-eyed wonder, responding that she was Toni, and she didn't know what she wanted to be. But apparently her name was enough, Josie tugging Toni to her little CD player, telling her solemnly - or as solemn as a ten year old can - that that was fine and that Toni would simply have to sing with her.
That night had changed their lives and it was with great reluctance Toni left, hesitant to go back home. But Josie had promised her they would be best friends forever and that if she ever wanted to come back she was always welcome.
And two days later she does.
Josie had startled at the soft tapping on her window, the girl afraid until she saw Toni through the glass, her smile wide, hand waving. It is quickly opened, Josie pulling her in, afraid that she would get injured somehow. And they talk all night, hushed whispers and giggling, until Josie's head starts to droop, her eyelids heavy. And with a sad smile Toni gets up, pushing Josie toward her bed, preparing to sneak out of her room.
As the years go by their friendship strengthens. There had been many nights where she had crashed overnight, a haunted look on Toni's face as she hoarsely whispers that she can't go home, not tonight, not when he's like that. She never expands and Josie doesn't want to push, brows pinched as the pang in her chest hits her hard.
She realises a few months after her fourteenth birthday that she had fallen for Toni, her heart leaping in her chest at the sight of a smile, a need rising up inside her to see it again, to cause it to become a permanent fixture in her life. The feelings she had for Toni was different to that of the one's she had for Valerie and Melody.
It all makes sense when Toni leans forward one night, the pair of them watching the stars through Josie's window. She turns her head to face her friend and finds their lips touching, finds her stomach flipping inside her, finds that something slips into place. And oh, she thinks, this is what all those love ballads referred to, this is what they described in their lyrics, this is what she needed in life.
Toni pulls away, a hesitant look on her face as she scans Josie's face for her reaction. "Are - are you okay with that?" Her voice shakes and Josie wants to pull her back, wants to make her smile again, her smile.
Josie nods slowly, a bashful smile on her face as she looks at Toni through her lashes. "You were my first kiss you know?" A sly grin crosses Toni's face, the girl offering to give Josie practice. There is no hesitation in the acceptance, the pair feeling out the relationship, laughing into each other's mouths as they enjoy the feeling of young love, of the euphoria bubbling up inside them, the knowledge that the other feels the same way.
Toni ends up being Josie's first everything.
First kiss, first time, first love.
(First heartbreak.)
Life has a way of changing things, the girls no longer the naive people they were before. They become hardened to the trials of the world, the cruelties of the society they lived in.
Life had changed, and so had their love. It was like the ocean, so beautiful and serene when calm, so destructive when it wasn't.
It had started with snide comments about Josie's mother, of how she treated the Southside unfairly. Josie had defended her, the trials they endured when Mayor McCoy was first elected to office scars they would carry around. But it escalates, Toni attacking the system and those that were complicit in its operation and discrimination against those from the other side of town, Josie protecting her mother and everything she had fought to get to her position. They lash out at each other viciously, protecting the things they love, Josie her biological family, and Toni her adopted one - the Serpents.
But it was more than family, more than being on the wrong side of Riverdale. Because being a woman, being a black woman, in a white man's world was difficult, it broke her down, the struggle and obstacles she faces every day in order to keep her head above water, to break down the barriers before her, the opposition against her.
And Josie didn't know how she would be able to do it while out.
The atmosphere shifts and she knows,
she simply knows.
"You shouldn't be here," she says as though she weren't waiting for Toni to show up, as though her heart both sunk and soared when she did.
She hears a scoff from behind her, feels the bed sink down as Toni sits in the corner. "Oh please." Josie can hear Toni rolling her eyes. "You left the window open for me."
And Josie can't deny those words. She sits up, turning to her girlfriend. "I'm sorry."
Toni blinks twice, surprised. But then she narrows her eyes at Josie, the other girl uncharacteristically nervous, fiddling with her fingers. "Sorry about what exactly?" Josie flinches as though she had been slapped. "Sorry about the fact you won't acknowledge our relationship at school? Or the fact you won't acknowledge me?" Her face betrays her answer. "I mean, damn Josie, you could at least pretend to want to talk to the Southside, pretend to want to know me at school." The acidity in her voice burns and Josie can't stand to meet her eyes, instead picking at her blanket. "Why do you hate us so much?" A shaky breath leaves her, energy seeping out of Toni. "Do you hate me?"
That elicits a reaction, Josie's head jerking up, meeting her gaze, eyes wide in surprise. "I don't hate you guys. And I definitely don't hate you."
"But you're ashamed of me, aren't you?" The laugh that leaves Toni's mouth is bitter and empty, Josie shaking her head in response, fiercely and earnestly, words of denial stuck in her throat. "Our relationship has only ever been in this room Josie." She doesn't stop shaking her head, denying it to Toni, denying it to herself, Josie squashing down the bile she could feel threatening to rise up. But the seed was planted, and grows, grows until it is the only thing in her mind. And the shaking slows, it slows and it stops and her heart is shattering inside her. She's surprised by how much the truth hurts. "It started in this room - and it'll end here too."
"Toni no -" Her hand is outstretched to the girl, but Josie pulls it back, cradling it against her chest, clutching at her heart, fisting the material of her pyjamas above the area.
The other girl looks broken as she struggles to find her words. "Just answer this Jos. Are you embarrassed to be with me because I'm a female? A Southsider? Does your reputation really mean so much?" A beat, then "am I worth so little?"
"Toni," Josie gets up at that, crawling toward her. "You're worth the world to me. But you know I can't say anything."
Her eyes are bright, shining with hope she just can't quell. "Yes you can Josie. We can, together." She takes Josie's hand in hers, squeezing it softly. "Just do it, say your my girlfriend at school, hold my hand when we walk to class, kiss me softly against my locker." And the image she was painting with her words was breaking Josie apart. Because she wanted it, oh god how much she wanted that to happen.
She pulls her hands out of Toni's, the light in her eyes dimming at the action. "You know I can't. You know I'm not ready."
"And you don't deserve to be forced out Josie, you shouldn't feel like you need to. But I can't live like this." Her voice is harder, it's more broken. And there is nothing Josie can do to fix it. There is nothing she can say, and so she says nothing, quiet and still as Toni pours her heart out, bleeding from a wound that Josie had left in her heart. "I can't live and be your dirty little secret, hidden in your bedroom. I deserve to be loved, to go on dates and kiss whoever I'm dating at school and I want it to be you Josie, but I can't wait until you're ready to show the world the beautiful, gorgeous person you are. I can't wait until you're comfortable in yourself or established in your career, I can't wait -" She cuts herself off, Toni pressing a fist against her mouth, face turned away from Josie.
The sound of her shaky breath fills the air and Josie knows Toni is biting back her tears. The knowledge of that alone has her eyes misting up. "Talk to me Toni," she asks, she pleads.
"I saw Reggie flirting with you." Her voice is distant, empty. "I wanted to run up to you, I wanted to take you in my arms and kiss you and mark my territory. To show him, to show them all that you're mine. But I couldn't. Because you're not mine, not really. And it's breaking me up inside. It just hurts so damn much."
"What do you want me to say? What can I possibly say that would make this any different?" There is earnestness in her voice, a vicious need to make it right, an urgency to not lose the one good thing in her life.
"That you love me!" Toni takes a breath, chest heaving and Josie can see her emotions shining through her eyes, the desperation, the need. "Because I love you Josie."
The love.
It was the first time any of them had spoken those words to each other and it takes her breath away.
"I love you," she whispers, the tears already welling up in her eyes. They fall, trailing down her cheek, and she wipes them away quickly. "I love you so god-damn much Toni. But that doesn't change anything."
Hurt flashes through Toni's eyes and she flinches at the words. "You really know how to cut a girl up." There is a weak smile on her face, and she tries to maintain it even as the tears fall, as they stream down her face. "So," she forces out. "Is this goodbye?"
Josie leans forward, her hand sliding up Toni's neck, carding through her locks as she cups the back of her forehead. And she tugs her forward, Toni moving easily.
Her lips are salty, and the kiss is desperate, teeth crashing into each other from the force, from their need to get closer. Josie loses herself in the kiss, in Toni, in everything about her, everything that made her fall in love. There is no hesitation in their kiss, no coyness, no taking it slow. They breath each other in, kissing as though it would be the last chance they would have. And, deep down inside, they know it is. This is a goodbye that neither want to give, and neither want this to end, not when the end means Toni sliding out the window, not when the end means no more touching and kissing and talking. They would be strangers, and that would be the cruellest end of all.
And Josie lies back down in her bed, Toni leaning forward, crawling over her bed until she was hovering over the other girl, straddling her waist. Her lips move away from Josie's lips, trailing everywhere she could, across her cheek and jaw. They are light and gentle, Toni so delicate in her actions that Josie felt her heart swell, felt it press against her ribcage, felt it threaten to burst. The ache was growing as Toni pressed her lips against her forehead, against each eyelid, against the tip of her nose. Josie's breath hitches, soft moans leaving her lips as Toni moves to her neck, the smaller girl kissing and biting and sucking at her skin, the sensation having Josie's toes curl in pleasure.
Josie doesn't think of the consequences, doesn't think to tell Toni not to give her a hickey, not to mark her as she had done every time before. She just opens her mouth and moans, fears silenced as she stops trying to repress the feelings and noises Toni was pulling from her.
A whimper tears from her lungs as Toni pulls away, her heart twisting at the idea she would leave, that she would walk out of her life. But she doesn't, Toni sitting up, her hands on the corner of her shirt, pulling it up. And in that moment, Toni bathed in the moonlight, a old, ratty bra on, looking down at her with eyes shining and mouth swollen - Josie had never seen anything more beautiful, more perfect in her life. She can only watch as Toni reaches back, unbuckling the bra and throwing it to the side.
The thought of Toni being a goddess flutters through Josie's mind as she leans up, meeting Toni half way. Her eyelids close, and something snaps inside of her. Because if this was the last time she would have, she would enjoy it. There is experience behind Josie's touches, the girl knowing just what to do to have Toni moaning against her mouth, she knew just where to touch to have Toni's hips jerk toward, grounding herself against Josie's thigh. It is a delicious feeling, and she nips at her bottom lip, tongue sweeping in eagerly into Toni's mouth, tasting her again, melting at the familiarity of her girlfriend, the sweetness she would never tire of.
There are no more tears, but they still cling to each other that much tighter, and she almost feels guilty about the bruises that would be scattered across Toni's body for the next few days. But in that moment all Josie needs is more, she needs to be closer, she needs her girlfriend. They scream themselves raw, the confidence that Mayor McCoy wouldn't be returning for the rest of the night removing the inhibitions from both of the girls. And Toni moves down her body, her head between Josie's legs. She pulls off the bottoms and underwear slowly, taunting and teasing and it has Josie pleading for more, for her, for Toni.
Their eyes meet as her fingers swipe up Josie's slit and she isn't embarrassed about how wet she was, not when Toni's eyes become impossibly dark, and not when she leans in, her mouth pressed against her. Josie's mewls and moans fill the air, Toni drawing them out with incredible dexterity, tongue licking and mouth sucking and fingers teasing.
Josie isn't aware that Toni writes I-love-you with her tongue over and over, isn't aware that she hums the words against her skin, determined to have it marked on her skin one way or another. All she knows is the bliss of having Toni touch her, the joy of feeling her lover so close by, the heights of her orgasm as she comes around Toni's fingers, voice raw as she cries out, as she screams when Toni doesn't relent, continuing to suck against her clit and move her fingers. Josie reaches blindly for her, pulling Toni up her body, kissing her, whimpering at the taste of herself on her tongue. Josie had intended to take this slow, to draw out every moan and mewl from Toni's lips, to show her the extent of her love through actions and words. But having Toni here, she can't comprehend the idea of slow, not when her need overwhelms her, not when it would be torturous to even consider delaying touching her, kissing her.
She slips her hand into Toni's panties, Josie's mouth biting her shoulder as she feels the heat of Toni's centre around her fingers, muscles clenching around her, pulling her deeper inside as she continues to move inside her. Her mouth moves across Toni's collarbone and down her chest, Toni arching into Josie's mouth as it trails to her breasts, the girl sucking them, swirling her tongue around Toni's nipples, teasing them until they are stiff peaks. And she moves to the other side, the vibrations of her voice against Toni's skin leaving the other girl gasping. They are muffled pleas from Josie's mouth asking her to stay with her, for the night, forever. But they aren't heard above Toni's own cries, Toni pleading for Josie to not stop, babbling on about how close she was, how she needs Josie, how she loves her.
It doesn't take much for Toni to come; she had been teetering near the brink for a while, and Josie knew her so well, knew where to touch her, where to apply pressure for her to come flying apart in her arms. There was a roughness, a desperation in her touch, her thumb pressing down on her clit hard. There was a need to satisfy Toni, to show her just how much she cared. To have her fall apart because of her.
Toni collapses beside Josie, utterly exhausted, the emotion of it so draining on her body as well as her heart. It is the first time she lingers, it is new and thrilling and it has Josie turning on her side, biting down the tears that were threatening to reemerge. She almost straightens out when she feels Toni's hand on her naked waist, slipping under the loose shirt she was still wearing and resting on her stomach. With shaky hands she covers Toni's, a small part of her hoping she could hold the hand, hold Toni beside her forever. But she can't say a thing and so she cherishes the moment, forcing herself to remember every brushstroke of Toni's fingers against her skin, the way her breath feels against her neck. She doesn't know what Toni was tracing on her skin, more focussed on the sensation she would never feel again. It was all the reasons why Toni loved her, the girl determined to brand Josie with each of them, whether she knew they would be always against her skin or not.
It is only then they allow themselves to cry, mourning a relationship that was forced to live in the shadows, mourning the could-have-been's and the what-if's of their life. They don't face each other, they don't have the strength.
But when Toni leans forward, pressing a gentle kiss against Josie's shoulder, she can feel the wetness of her tears against her skin. It is instinctual, to tug the hand that was resting on her stomach to go higher, Josie pressing a kiss against Toni's knuckles, against the inside of her palm and wrist. And she allows herself to linger, to let Toni feel her own tears.
They lie there and Josie can't help but imagine what it would be life if this was her life, can't help but fantasise about having it all, her music, her lover, her everything. She pretends that it wasn't a goodbye, that the 'I-love-you's' shared weren't tainted by the bitterness of heartbreak, that she could wake up tomorrow with Toni beside her, face buried in her neck as she tries to convince Josie to skip their morning classes.
The idea of it brings a smile to her lips, her imagination teasing her with visions of a future that wouldn't happen. And she falls asleep to the thought of Toni coming into her room by the door and not the window.
Her eyes open, the brightness of sunlight flooding her room. She wakes up slowly, then immediately.
Because when she wakes up tomorrow,
she wakes up alone.