RACHEL MASON – EPISODE 4.20

"I don't know why we all hang onto something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we don't really have. Some of us say we'd rather have that something than nothing, but the truth is to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all."

...

It was on the ground. Literally. My school. The school I had worked so hard to pick up.

Everything I cared about seemed to be ruined. I glanced between the group of kids, my kids, and Eddie. The love of my life. I could barely even see him through the tears. I had to try and keep them in though, couldn't show a weakness, not in front of everyone. I just wished they would all go away, leave me to break down.

The day had started so perfect, how did it end up like this? It was supposed to be the best summer break I had ever had. Just me and Eddie, together, away from the prying eyes of the staff and pupils. Things never work how I want them to though, she had to turn up. Melissa. I know she's my sister and I shouldn't feel the hatred I do for her. Put yourself in my shoes though, then you would understand.

Pregnant. She was bloody pregnant! Steph and Grantley loved it, the drama, they always enjoyed drama.

Me and Eddie talked it over. I listened, but deep inside I guess I always knew my decision, even then. I knew Eddie couldn't cope with not seeing another child and I couldn't be the cause of that. Resentment. You can't build a relationship on that. Eventually that would be all he felt towards me. Then he wrapped his arms around me. Why did he have to do that? Make me think all over again. My decision was the right one. It was for the best, for everyone involved, except me. All I wanted was him. Just standing there in his arms, there was no where I would rather be. What a cliché. Very true though. I forgot every worry I had when he put his arms around me.

The last place I felt like being was around everyone. I had to though; we had the choir competition to attend. The kids were all excited, Matt was nervous. I felt numb. I gave Eddie a kiss before getting onto the coach. The same butterflies in my stomach emerged as they did the first time we kissed. He had such an effect on me.

I sat all through the competition just wanting to run outside. Being around people, surrounded, it was the last thing I wanted. Then my phone. I was embarrassed, started fumbling around for my phone before quickly answering the call.

Ralph. Last person I wanted to hear from. Waffling on about some crap. I didn't pay much attention. Even if I had been, he wasn't exactly making much sense. I listened to him rambling on, up until he messaged me the picture. Him. Him and the JCB. Right at that moment I knew I had to go. My school was in danger. I had to be there. Not thinking of anything else, I ran out of the room and quickly found a taxi back to Waterloo Road.

Running towards the school, so much was flying through my head. It was being destroyed before my eyes and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. I had to try though. So I did. Maybe it was stupid, with hindsight, very stupid. In situations like that though, you just don't think. I put myself in front of the JCB, protecting my school. It felt like a life time I was stood there, staring at this mammoth object towering over me, Ralph grinning wildly at me. This was what he wanted, he always had.

I saw the JCB move ever so slightly in my direction. Ralph wasn't going to stop, what had I been thinking. It felt like I was glued to the floor. Even if I had wanted to jump out of the way I couldn't have. I just stood, frozen to the spot, stunned. This couldn't be happening. I shut my eyes, just wishing it would be over with. Then there was an odd silence. The engine had stopped. I reopened my eyes and saw Eddie in the JCB, keys in his hand, about to jump back out.

It was over.

Two things were over. One thing I was very glad about, one I wasn't. I had to admit it though.

Watching his face as I told him tore me apart inside. I couldn't bear to even see him again. I couldn't work with him and was quietly pleased he had come to the same conclusion. I had to cut him out of my life, completely. I didn't know how I was going to cope without him as my second in command, though I knew I would have to find a way.

I couldn't have him in my life at all if he wasn't mine. That was no longer an option.

...

"The truth is to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all."